Happy National Cat Day

October 29th is National Cat Day, a day to celebrate your furry friends and shower them with fishy food and snuggles.  In this house, it’s a very big deal since there are 8 of them to celebrate.  It is rare that I watch a movie without at least one of them camped out on my lap.  So, in their honor I watched a movie, Cat’s Eye.  The cats, as they sometimes can be, were unimpressed by this effort and instead chose to beg for food.  I think Cat’s Eye was a great choice, so maybe you guys will have more luck celebrating your cats with Cat’s Eye but even if your cats aren’t into it, you will be.

The Movie

Cat’s Eye is a horror anthology featuring three stories, all witnessed by a cat who will come to be named General.  In Quitter’s Inc., Richard Morrison(James Woods) is a smoker who turns to a doctor for help quitting.  Richard gets a sense that perhaps this isn’t the right path for him as he witnesses a man crying in the waiting room.  Before long the man’s wife comes out of the office limping and she is mad.  She beats the man with her purse to the amusement of the receptionist.  As Richard prepares to leave the doctor comes out and ushers him into his office for a consultation.  In the office of Dr. Donatti(Alan King), Richard is given a verbal and visual explanation of the company’s techniques which are unique, effective and painful to say the least.  The pain will not be Richard’s though.  Should he slip and have a cigarette his wife and daughter will be subjected  to electric shock and appendage amputations.  Richard refuses the treatment plan, thinking Dr. Donatti has accepted that he won’t be treating Richard.  The problem is Dr. Donatti has no intention of letting this client walk.  Quitter’s Inc. is watching him at all hours of the day, waiting for him to light up.  Now Richard must quit for the sake of his family.

In the next segment, The Ledge, we have a gambling crime boss named Cressner(Kenneth McMillan).  He will bet on anything including whether the cat can cross a busy Atlantic City street without getting hit.  His latest bet is with Johnny Norris(Robert Hays).  Johnny had been planning to run off with Cressner’s wife but as he was making his final preparations, Cressner’s goons kidnap him.  Johnny is brought to the penthouse apartment of Cressner and presented with a bet.  Should he win this bet, Cressner will spare his life, give him his wife and get rid of the drugs he has planted on Johnny.  All Johnny has to do is successfully walk the 5 inch wide ledge around the building.  If he doesn’t take the bet he’s dead anyway so Johnny reluctantly accepts and within seconds almost falls from the ledge.  There are more layers to this challenge than we initially realize.  Johnny encounters an angry pigeon and Cressner will attempt to win by any means including cheating.  Johnny just needs to complete the bet one shuffle step at a time.

In the final segment, General, our cat friend finally finds a home and a name.  He has hopped a train south and met a little girl named Amanda(Drew Barrymore) who is immediately in love and begs her mom to let him stay.  Mom begrudgingly agrees but she doesn’t trust or like General.  Mom is not happy though and threatens to take General to the shelter at the slightest slip up especially in regards to Amanda’s pet bird.  Dad is more accepting but it’s clear mom runs the house.  Amanda is having nightmares but the one night she snuck General into her room, the nightmares did not occur.  The following night we learn it is not nightmares that she suffers from but a troll living in her wall is attempting to do her harm.  General manages to get in the house and rescue Amanda but the troll has already eaten the pet bird and then vanishes just in time for mom and dad to get in the room.  Mom is certain that General ate the bird.  She launches into a tirade of I told you so’s and the next morning she scoops up General and takes him to the shelter.  Mom is kind of a bitch who hates cats.  Now Amanda not only has a troll problem but she also no longer has General to protect her from that ugly little fucker.

My Favorite Horror Anthologies

1. Creepshow

2. VHS

3. ABCs of Death

4. Trick R Treat

5. Tales From the Darkside: The Movie

Lessons

1. Smoking is bad for those around you.  It seems like I’m harping on the dangers of smoking.  Last time, it was what could happen to you and this time it is the dangers to those around you.  Smoking can cause illness in those around you.  In addition to illness, your loved ones could be forced to endure electric shock and the amputation of appendages as a lesson to you.  

2. Don’t run off with the boss’s wife.  Really don’t run off with anyone’s wife but especially a crime boss.  They are mean and vengeful and will make you walk around a building on a 5 inch ledge.

3. Pigeons are dicks.  Not only are they not afraid of you and shit everywhere but they will also peck your ankle as you try to circumnavigate the ledge of a skyscraper.

4. Cats are the first and best line of defense against a troll infestation.  Cats have a unique ability to sense the presence of trolls and are ferocious in their attacks on said trolls.  If you believe you have trolls, contact your local pet rescue and adopt a cat or 8.  I guarantee your troll problem will be no more and you will always have a cat to snuggle with.

National Farmer's Day

 For many years, I have had an incredible fondness for movies that were filmed near where I live.  I think it began with 1981’s Ragtime.  The “Ragtime house” was about 5 miles from my own as a child so when I saw the movie and the house I was excited.  Something of cinematic note had happened near me and I knew exactly where.  Turns out. I hated that fucking movie.  It was scary or gory or any of the things that drew me to movies then and now.  Ever since, though, I have had that same sense when I see a familiar location on screen.  Generally, it’s New York City but occasionally the locations are closer.  Recently, I have felt that surge of excitement again as I discovered 2 movies written by Ed Adlum.  Shriek of the Mutilated was the first at a horror movie event that shall remain nameless.  It was fantastic to see the locations in and around Yorktown Heights, NY and I wanted more so when Severin released Invasion of the Blood Farmers shortly after I snatched it up immediately.  Adlum not only wrote but also directed this one.  The locations were again familiar, roads I’ve driven, buildings I’ve been in.  I knew I had to find an opportunity to include it in the blog.  I just needed the right day.

October 12th is National Farmer’s Day, a day to celebrate the contributions of the men and women who feed the nation.  Invasion of the Blood Farmers is not exactly a traditional farmer movie.  Some may not even consider it a farm movie at all but they would be wrong.  Just because the Blood Farmers don’t grow corn or have an actual farm or may not even be farmers is irrelevant.  They are harvesting a crop so in my book that makes them farmers.  So run down to the farmer’s market, grab some apples, cor and jam and sit back and enjoy Invasion of the Blood Farmers.

The Movie

The movie opens with good old Jim Carrey(not that one) bloody and staggering down a very familiar stretch of road.  You can tell this is 1972 because there is far less traffic on the road than today.  Inside a bar up the street, almost the entire male population of the town, is sitting around getting hammered.  Cliff is upset because his wife is gone while the deputy is bombed and powerless.  It seems that in Jefferson Valley only the police chief has any ability to investigate anything and he’s in Capital City for a trial.  They all miss old Jim Carrey(still not that one) so there is some excitement when they see him shambling, seemingly already drunk towards the bar.  He isn’t drunk and collapses and dies on the floor.   

From there we meet John and his fiance Jenny who are finally enjoying some quality time by the water.  John has been very busy working, trying to build a career in pathology.  He works for Jenny’s dad Dr. Roy Anderson.  Jenny feels like all John’s time is occupied by her father which is confirmed when Dr. Anderson bursts outside to drag John to his pathology lab in the basement of his house.  They need to autopsy Jim Carrey.  Turns out old Jim had one hell of a blood illness.  

Meanwhile, the blood farmers are really some kind of Druid-y cult that is looking for the perfect blood to resurrect their queen.  They are draining the blood from locals, newlyweds,dogs and seemingly anything else they come in contact with.  One of the Egon has boundless zeal for his job that actually seems to border on bloodlust.  Dr. Anderson’s work brings him to the attention of the blood farmers who kill the family dog.  The great pathologist believes the blood they find where the dog was killed is actually evidence of a woodchuck fight.  Dr. Anderson has also learned that his blood sample from Jim is growing at a rapid rate.  This discovery only draws further attention from the blood farming Druids and endangers his daughter.  Invasion of the Blood Farmers is a marvelous 1970s B movie and you should definitely watch it for National Farmer’s Day.

Other Favorite Movies With Cults

1. The Endless

2. Cut And Run

3. Mandy

4. We Summon The Darkness

5. The Ritual

Lessons

Nothing happens in Jefferson Valley.  While this is not necessarily accurate in Invasion of the Blood Farmers, despite one character’s complaint, it is absolutely true.  NOTHING!  Even the mall is a bust.

Use clean rags to wipe up blood.  Dirty rags are only going to smear the blood around and add an additional layer of grime especially if it is mutated expanding blood.

Always report strange health anomalies.  If you happen to stumble upon some weird medical condition, even if you are a pathologist, you need to report your findings.  It is always a bad idea to conceal your findings for any reason even if you just want time to understand what you found better.   You are only giving blood farming Druids or a virus more time to operate.

When you get married, you no longer have to watch the late show.  It turns out that you were only watching the late show because you did not want to have premarital sex.  Once you get married, it’s no more Jimmy Fallon only fucking.

Boundless zeal outweighs one’s faults.  You may not be good at what you do but limitless enthusiasm will look good in the eyes of others and can help disguise how bad you actually are.

Hire subordinates who you trust and are capable of doing the job in your absence.  It will do your business or police department no good if it can’t function while you are away.  That’s how you get blood farmers.

National Name Your Car Day

 One of the best things about doing this blog is finding obscure National Days and matching them to movies.  It is also fairly challenging, especially trying to find a movie that fits.  October 2nd is National Produce Misting Day.  I’m not sure if I could find a movie that fits that day.  Fortunately, October 2nd is also National Name Your Car Day, a day to give your automobile a name besides car or Explorer or Jeep. It’s a day to really name your car.  It’s also a day for a movie about a car with a name.  So to celebrate I suggest watching John Carpenter’s adaptation of the Stephen King novel Christine.  Buckle up, it’s going to be a wild ride.

The Movie

Christine, a 1958 Plymouth Fury was born in Detroit in 1957 on an assembly line.  The nurse advised that this one be left alone because that nurse could tell immediately that she was bad to the bone.  The nurse was right.  Christine’s first victim almost seems accidental as her hood falls on the hand of an inspector.  Her 2nd victim removes any doubt of her intentions though.  When he carelessly drops cigar ash on her brand new seat Christine kills him.  Fast forward a few years and we meet Arnie Cunningham(Keith Gordon) and his best friend Dennis Guilder(John Stockwell).  Arnie is a nerd who is easily pushed around while Dennis is a football player and ladies man.  They are now seniors with very different goals.  Arnie wants to study and loves shop even though his parents hate that he takes it.  Dennis, on the other hand, wants to get Arnie laid which, given Arnie’s confidence, is quite a task.  Arnie is not optimistic.  He thinks that even though he “carries his life savings between his legs” he will wind up self-pleasuring.  In school, they see the new girl Leigh(Alexandra Paul) and all the guys are in love at first sight.  Classes aren’t going well for Arnie either.  When he is late for lunch, Dennis finds him still in shop class being terrorized by the school bullies, led by Buddy Repperton(William Ostrander) and his sidekick Moochie(Malcolm Danare).  They have his lunch and before Dennis can help him Repperton stabs the lunch to death with his switchblade.  Blows are exchanged and the teacher breaks it up.  Repperton is expelled but it will not be the last time he tortures Arnie.  

On the way home from school, Arnie falls in love.  Christine is a dilapidated shadow of her former self but Arnie sees through it to the beauty that she could be with a little TLC.  He immediately forks over the $250 asking price and drives off in his new love.  Arnie’s parents disapprove of his new lady, however.  They blame Dennis for allowing him to buy it and they refuse to allow Arnie to keep his car at home.  It turns out Arnie’s mom is a bitch.  Arnie is forced to keep his love in a low rent garage.  Christine brings out a new side to Arnie.  He is more confident and assertive.  She is the answer to all his problems even as Dennis begins to question Christine and her true personality.  Arnie chooses to unveil his fully restored Christine and his new girlfriend Leigh at an important football game.  The game ends poorly for Dennis as he suffers a horrible injury as Arnie and Leigh play tonsil hockey.  From there, Arnie’s obsession with Christine deepens and Christine’s dark side truly emerges and we get a weird love triangle between a boy, a girl and a Plymouth.

Christine is a wild ride.  John Carpenter movies always have distinctive scores and this is no different.  Between classic rock songs and 1950s pop songs, he slips in his own compositions that add to the mood of growing dread.  Christine is more than a killer car.  She takes over the lives of her owners.  She drives them as much as they drive her.  Arnie is an ideal owner for Christine.  Being meek and so easily pushed around, the power he feels from Christine is intoxicating and he will do anything for his beloved.  

My 5 Favorite Stephen King Adaptations

1. The Mist (2007)

2. It

3. Creepshow

4. Maximum Overdrive

5. Stand By Me

Lessons

1. Smoking is bad for you.  I like a good cigar from time to time but it certainly isn’t healthy especially in a car that is possessed by an evil entity.

2. You can’t polish a turd.  You can try but no matter how much you rub that turd it’s still going to be a piece of shit.  Also if you aren’t careful yo will get shit all over yourself.

3. If your car tries to kill your girlfriend, it’s probably time to get rid of one of them.  When the hatred between the two reaches this level, you really need to step in.  You should probably take the word of your girlfriend.  

4. Don’t vandalize someone’s car.  It doesn’t make you look tough,  It just makes you look like an asshole and a coward.  Besides, you never know if the car is evil and will take its own revenge.

      5. Don’t name your cars.  I know.  It’s name your car day and I’m telling you not to celebrate the          holiday.  I also know many of you already have.  Cars don’t need names.  They won’t answer            when you call them by it.  They don’t need one for legal documents.  They have real names               anyway.  Christine’s was 1958 Plymouth Fury. 

National VFW Day

 It’s been a long time since I posted one of these.  To vastly oversimply, life got in the way.  Doesn’t mean I stopped watching and loving movies.  Nor did I stop celebrating obscure and common National Days with movies and learning important life lessons from them.  I just stopped writing about them but I’m back for as long as I’m inspired.  To that end, I am changing things up a bit.  There’s a new title for the blog.  I’m changing up the format- adding recommendations for similarly themed movies and sometimes the movies won’t be related to a specific day just something I watched that I want to share.  That’s still the number one priority- share fun movies.

National Day

September 29th is VFW Day.  The Veterans of Foreign Wars(VFW) is an organization made up of veterans and active service men and women.  Not only have VFW members served the nation  in the military but via the VFW organization, they serve their communities in voluntary capacities.  VFW halls provide members with a sense of community as well as other assistance including health, jobs and financial.  Many of the halls struggle financially especially during the pandemic.  In honor of VFW Day, I watched 2019’s VFW directed by Joe Begos.

The Movie

 VFW tells the story of a group of army veterans spending the night at their local VFW Hall, a regular activity, reliving past glory, Miss 1963 and celebrating the birthday of Fred(Stephen Lang).  Oh and watching old exercise videos- think Jane Fonda.They are grizz;ed old guys played by a veritable who’s who of movie legends.  There’s Walter(William Sadler), Abe(Fred Williamson), Lou(Martin Kove), Doug(David Patrick Kelly) and Tom(George Wendt).  They are later joined by Shaun(Tom Williamson) who has just returned from combat.  The VFW has the misfortune of being across the street from an abandoned movie theater that has been taken over by a drug dealing gang and the addicts that they serve.  The new drug is called HYPE and users fall into a crazed, zombie-like state.The gang has a deal in place to sell a large quantity of HYPE the following day.  They just need to make it through the night incident free.  Incident free seems to be something that gang leader Boz(Travis Hammer) Is incapable of and he inexplicably murders an addict.  He then leaves the body out to be discovered by Lizard, the dead woman’s sister.  Lizard is not pleased to say the least and steals the HYPE narrowly escaping Boz.  With the gang and the addicts in pursuit, Lizard flees to the nearest building, the VFW.  The vets reluctantly rally behind Lizard and the battle is on.

VFW is a dark gritty throwback.  It feels as though it could have come from the 80s.  There is also a definite nod to John Carpenter's Assault On Precinct 13.  The fights and violence are inventive and there is plenty to satisfy.  The cast is fantastic- a collection of actors who you’ll recognize from somewhere.  Their careers have spanned eras and genres.  It is great to see all these actors I grew up on kick ass.  The movie flows through it’s 92 minute run time.  Pair this with Assault on Precinct 13  for a wild night of sieges.

Other Movies With Antlers Used As Weapons

Get Out

Friday the 13th (2009)

Silent Night Deadly Night

Life Lessons

1. If your friends want you to close down early, do it.  Whether it’s because it’s slow or they want to take you to a strip club to see Miss 1963’s daughter dance, they have your best interests in mind and you might have a much needed good time.

2. Don’t mess with older people.  This probably goes without saying but besides respecting your elders, they’re wily and can still mess you up if they needed to.

3. Take care of veterans.  Again this should go without saying.  They have fought for the country and in many instances experienced terrible things.  There should be no question about funding anything they need.  Whether it be medical, psychological, housing, education or as simple as VFW halls, there should be no issue in paying for it.

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas. Every year we gather with family and friends to celebrate the holiday by giving extravagant gifts most of us can’t afford, drinking eggnog which most of you don’t really like, listen to hideously treacly pop songs, murder trees and, to borrow from Deathklok, decorate their corpses and put enough lights on our houses to be seen from space and rack up an electric bill that would rival the GNP of Japan. One tradition I do love is watching as many Christmas themed horror movies as possible. Every year there are new ones and I also have to fit in the classics. The subject of this blog though is one of the newer classics… 2010’s Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale. So grab a Christmas ale, a candy cane and the heads of some gingerbread men and enjoy.

The Movie
Rare Exports opens on Korvatunturi, a mountain in Finland near the Russian border said to be home to Santa Claus, where the SubZero Company has drilled into the mountain. Deep in this mountain they have struck a layer which excites the owner of the company. The layer? Saw dust. Not only does he want the drill team to go deeper, he also distributes a new set of safety instructions which include no cursing and no smoking. It turns out the mining company may be grave robbers. Two young local kids. Pietari and Juosso, have snuck onto the drilling site by cutting a whole in a fence and are watching the proceedings. Pietari thinks Santa is buried in the mountain but Juosso thinks he’s just a baby but Pietari goes home and reads up on Santa lore just in case. What he finds is not the kindly, benevolent, gift-giving fat guy we know but an evil child killing monster. He is not Krampus but he is surely not Saint Nick either. In the morning, Pietari’s father, Rauno, yells for him to wake up after he has finished digging a trap in the yard. Rauno then goes into his slaughterhouse to butcher a pig while his son runs around outside in the middle of a Fnnish winter in his underwear and pisses in the yard. Rauno is more concerned with his son seeing the dead pig than with him getting pneumonia.

The pair then dress and head out for the big, local reindeer roundup. Piiparinen has built an electrified pen to herd the reindeer into but only two small reindeer show up. Concerned the trio, joined by Juosso and his father Aimo, head out to find the reindeer and discover them slaughtered right outside the SubZero fence. The reindeer were the primary income source for the village and Aimo, the apparent math wizard, determines they have lost a lot of money and they all face financial ruin. Pietari is particularly worried. He thinks he and Juosso may have unleashed the reindeer killer by cutting through the fence and that the killer is Santa. The group goes inside the fence to find the site abandoned. SubZero has moved their headquarters but the new safety protocols seem to be ineffective.

Christmas morning arrives and the town is thrown into weirdness. Pietari again goes outside in his underwear to pee and notice the trap has been sprung, Rauno goes to investigate and finds a man in the trap. He ushers Pietari back inside and Piiparinen comes over to help him move the body into the slaughterhouse. The old man is not wearing many clothes and has an American passport which says he is much younger than he appears to be. He is also not dead. Elsewhere in the town, radiators have been stolen and someone has stolen all of Aimo’s potato sacks- not the potatoes just the sacks. Also Juosso has been replaced by a creepy straw doll but the sheriff thinks he’s just out chasing girls. Pietari does some investigating for himself and finds all his friends are missing and implores Rauno to whip him for his sins so Santa doesn’t take him. Things only get weirder from there but to tell anymore would spoil the fun. Who is the naked not dead guy? What did SubZero think they were digging up? Why is the old guy obsessed with Pietari? Is Piiparinen the Finnish Corey Hart? Does anyone in Finland wear pants?

Why Did I Choose This Movie
Rare Exports was the choice over 11 other Christmas movies this year because it’s just a really good, fun movie. It’s a different take on the holiday with moments of humor, horror and what the fuck did I just see. The Christmas horror genre grows every year. Many of these do not hold up over time but Rare Exports will. Don’t believe me? It’s on Amazon Prime. Go watch it. If you are horror averse, it’s not overly scary nor is it very gory. The one warning I will give is if you are uncomfortable seeing old man dicks, you will be very uncomfortable with Rare Exports. There’s a lot of old man dick like an inordinate, fetishistic amount of old man dick.

Lessons

• Grave robbing is bad and dangerous. No matter what safety precautions you put in place, something will always go wrong. The grave you’re robbing will contain something more than the cheap trinkets you'll steal. Also, it’s a pretty sleazy thing to do and you probably have no morals.
• Taping the last day of your advent calendar closed will not stop Christmas from coming. Time does not go by a calendar. Days will pass regardless of whether you follow one or not so eat the chocolate and prepare for Santa.
• Don’t put bear traps in the chimney. It is a very dangerous practice. Someone might lose a hand trying to start a fire. Also, I’m betting it isn’t good for the chimney itself. I’m no chimney expert but the chimney sweep is coming in a couple weeks so I'll ask him. I’m sure he gets the question all the time so I’m sure it won’t be weird or lead to him refusing to clean my chimney.
• Finland is a badass place filled with badass people. They can take down anything. Soviets in World War II- yep. Crazed Santas- Sure. Not only can they take them down, they can monetize them. They don’t need pants outside in the middle of winter. Hell even their Santa is a badass with fifteen foot horns. Don’t fuck with Finland.

A Warm National Microwave Oven Day

December 6th is National Microwave Oven Day, a day to celebrate that most essential kitchen appliance. Where would we be without it? No popcorn in 3 minutes? No tasty cardboard box diet dinners? Would life be worth living without a microwave in your kitchen? Well, yes it probably would be but the inconvenience would be… well fairly tolerable. But it’s a national day and I have an amazing movie to tell you about with an unbelievable star. To celebrate National Microwave Oven Day I watched Microwave Massacre starring Jackie Vernon, the voice of one of our Christmas favorites… Frosty the Snowman.

The Movie
Jackie Vernon is Donald, a poor downtrodden construction worker, forced to subsist on a diet of exotic, healthy, microwaved meals prepared by his not so loving wife, May. While his buddies at the site eat traditional lunches like bologna and cheese, which is all Donald craves, poor Donald has a crab sandwich which might not be too bad if May had taken it out of its shell first. Donald cannot even enjoy the beautiful, barely dressed woman who frequents the job site. Meanwhile, May is at home reveling in the amazing new Q-sine her gigantic wall-sized 1980s microwave has exposed her to and cannot imagine why Donald could possibly be dissatisfied. After their shift, Donald and his buddies Roosevelt(Rosie) and Philip go to the strip club and while the guys enjoy traditional strip club activities, Donald merely sits at the bar drinking and complaining to the bartender who only wants to tell Donald about his hemorrhoids. When Donald gets home we see just how bad his marriage is as they argue and Donald stands on her freshly vacuumed sofa and fantasizes about killing May. ON this night, the budding gourmand May sets dinner on fire and tries to seduce Donald for the first time since 1962 but Donald wants none of the “walking contraceptive” he married.

After work the next day, Donald returns home and the blissful marital situation continues to spiral. All Donald wants for dinner is a bologna sandwich in the garage but May has slaved over the microwave all day. The ensuing fight is particularly bad. Donald dumps the vacuum bag all over the couch, trashes the pretentious decorations and pisses in the flower pot. May, being very observant, realizes something is bothering him but it’s too late and he turns his fantasies into reality. Donald goes to bed, drunk and wakes in the morning not even able to remember what he had done until he finds May in the microwave. His response is classic Donald… he sets her to slow broil and happily heads to work able to eat anything he wants. He stuffs May into the freezer and goes about his business until one night, he wakes hungry and grabs something from said freezer and finds it to be the most delicious thing he’s ever eaten but it’s May. Donald undertakes an all new diet like some cannibalistic Atkins fad diet adherent. Hand kabobs? Donald is down and, unknowingly, so are Rosie and Philip. Donald has a tremendous appetite for his new food and picks up a hooker but with no super crack, he must do things the old fashioned way. Donald’s appetite grows and grows. Can he be stopped? Do you really want him to be? Will anything quench his appetite? What condiments go best with a human calf? Are fingers finger food? Watch Microwave Massacre for the exciting answers to these and many other pressing questions.

Why Did I Pick This Movie
Microwave Massacre is an easy choice to celebrate this day because it’s about a guy who microwaves people and eats them. Also Jackie Vernon gives the movie a curious Christmas connection. The movie is also funny as hell. The one liners will have you laughing and even the most gore averse will not be overwhelmed. Or watch Gremlins. That microwave scene is great too.

Lessons

• Pull the shades down if you plan to engage in crazy, crossdressing threesomes unless you’re into that too. 
• A microwave is just a deranged toaster. The toaster was a much saner invention. No weird technology just put the food in, turn it on and wait 2 hours for it to heat or burn. A microwave though? Don’t stick a fork in it. Don’t expect your food to have any moisture left. And be ready to burn your mouth on the first bite and have cold food by the fourth.
• Don’t piss in the living room flower pot. It’s a sure sign your marriage is in trouble. It will also stink up the room. Use the bushes outside like a normal guy.
• Don’t fuck with Frosty and make sure you feed him good food. No crazy, experimental gourmet cuisine for this snowman. No, Frosty want bologna and cheese. Maybe some ribs and a beer. Frosty doesn’t even care much about sex just good wholesome food.
• Anybody can make a mistake. Donald made mistakes but he overcame them to live a deliciously fruitful life. The key is overcoming your mistakes like Donald and right now the biggest mistake you could make is to not watch Microwave Massacre. Don’t make that one.

Happy Black Friday?

It’s back!! The most horrifying horror blog in the world returns today after an extended mental break, Thanksgiving weekend has brought it back. Thanksgiving, though, is not the day I’m celebrating. Sure there are plenty of great horror movies set on Thanksgiving like Blood Rage and Thankskilling 1 and 3(there isn’t a 2, watch 3 and it might make sense). There’s even a bunch of monster movies I could have watched. When I was a kid, one of the local stations ran King Kong and Mighty Joe Young on Thanksgiving so I always watch something with giant monsters on the holiday.

No the day I chose to celebrate in the blog is… BLACK FRIDAY!!! The day after being thankful for what we have, Americans cram themselves into retail stores and beat each other up for a deal on a shitty television that you don’t even need while the 30 pounds of turkey you stuffed into your face the day before causes you to let loose some noxious tryptophan farts. In fact, we are no longer able to wait until Friday. We have become so desperate for $100 laptops that we will ditch our families and go wait on line at WalMart. It’s so crazy we’ve even extended it to Saturday and Monday but I digress. Let’s celebrate Black Friday and our insane consumerist blood lust with the classic… Chopping Mall.

The Movie
Chopping Mall opens with Dr. Stan Simon introducing a group of skeptical mall store owners to their new security force- robots that look like Johnny 5 from Short Circuit if he hung out at the Mobil all you can eat buffet. The robots, called Protectors, are cutting edge security controlled by technicians and a high tech box on the roof of the mall. The demonstration is very impressive though a couple sarcastic pricks talk through the whole thing. The robots ill recognize mall employees by their ID badges and will not kill them, making the Park Plaza Mall the safest in the nation- as long as lightning doesn’t strike the control box on the highest point of the mall.

Alison and Suzie are waitresses at the high class mall eatery. Suzie is very excited for the after hours, mall party her boyfriend Greg and his pals Mike and Ferdy are planning to throw in the furniture store. Mike is bringing his girlfriend Leslie. Mike is not a tender lover nor is he particularly subtle about it. He is caught pawing Leslie in her father’s store but daddy seems to barely notice. Ferdy and Suzie are going to meet for the first time, a blind date at a mall party- how romantic. Rick and Linda, newlyweds, are also coming to the mall furniture store party. Apparently, mall parties are very exciting for 1980s twentysomethings. The party quickly devolves into a sex club with everyone bumping uglies except Ferdy and Suzie who are sitting on the couch watching horror movies. Did I mention how much I like these two? Of course, lightning strikes the control panel and the laser shooting, non-ID recognizing fat Protectors are no longer controllable and go on a killing spree. Our heroic twentysomething, mall partiers are left to stop them, an effort that includes breaking into Peckinpah”s Sporting Goods for guns none of them can shoot and crawling around in air ducts. Can the twentysomethings survive a night trapped with the Protectors? Why would you arm mall security guard robots with lasers? Why are adults having a party in a mall furniture store?

Why I Chose This Movie
There are dozens of horror movies set in malls and stores some of which I like even more than Chopping Mall. The original Dawn of the Dead is right at the top of that list but most of you know that movie. Instead, I wanted to highlight something a little less well known and Chopping Mall fits. The movie is so 1980s, hairstyles, fashion, attitudes and that makes it amazing.

Lessons

• Do not replace people with robots especially mall security guards. If they malfunction, the robots will kill everyone. Malfunctioning human security guards will just harass teenagers and maybe fall off their Segways.
• Do not have parties at the mall. Get a hotel room, a friend’s house or a campground like normal people. Being drunk at a mall is no fun trust me. The lighting sucks and the people are annoying. Also it’s a little weird if you have sex on the display furniture and beds. The only exception is if it’s a little kid party and you want to.. No even that is not right.
• Do not be a fucking savage at the mall. If you drop garbage, pick it up. Mall custodians should not have to clean up the crap your lazy ass dropped. Bend at the knees and pick it up. Seriously, people who leave their messes behind piss me off.
• Do not smoke. Smoking will kill you and the people around you. Not just secondhand smoke either but they’ll get killed by laser-shooting, fat mall security guard robots when they go to buy you a pack.