Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas. Every year we gather with family and friends to celebrate the holiday by giving extravagant gifts most of us can’t afford, drinking eggnog which most of you don’t really like, listen to hideously treacly pop songs, murder trees and, to borrow from Deathklok, decorate their corpses and put enough lights on our houses to be seen from space and rack up an electric bill that would rival the GNP of Japan. One tradition I do love is watching as many Christmas themed horror movies as possible. Every year there are new ones and I also have to fit in the classics. The subject of this blog though is one of the newer classics… 2010’s Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale. So grab a Christmas ale, a candy cane and the heads of some gingerbread men and enjoy.

The Movie
Rare Exports opens on Korvatunturi, a mountain in Finland near the Russian border said to be home to Santa Claus, where the SubZero Company has drilled into the mountain. Deep in this mountain they have struck a layer which excites the owner of the company. The layer? Saw dust. Not only does he want the drill team to go deeper, he also distributes a new set of safety instructions which include no cursing and no smoking. It turns out the mining company may be grave robbers. Two young local kids. Pietari and Juosso, have snuck onto the drilling site by cutting a whole in a fence and are watching the proceedings. Pietari thinks Santa is buried in the mountain but Juosso thinks he’s just a baby but Pietari goes home and reads up on Santa lore just in case. What he finds is not the kindly, benevolent, gift-giving fat guy we know but an evil child killing monster. He is not Krampus but he is surely not Saint Nick either. In the morning, Pietari’s father, Rauno, yells for him to wake up after he has finished digging a trap in the yard. Rauno then goes into his slaughterhouse to butcher a pig while his son runs around outside in the middle of a Fnnish winter in his underwear and pisses in the yard. Rauno is more concerned with his son seeing the dead pig than with him getting pneumonia.

The pair then dress and head out for the big, local reindeer roundup. Piiparinen has built an electrified pen to herd the reindeer into but only two small reindeer show up. Concerned the trio, joined by Juosso and his father Aimo, head out to find the reindeer and discover them slaughtered right outside the SubZero fence. The reindeer were the primary income source for the village and Aimo, the apparent math wizard, determines they have lost a lot of money and they all face financial ruin. Pietari is particularly worried. He thinks he and Juosso may have unleashed the reindeer killer by cutting through the fence and that the killer is Santa. The group goes inside the fence to find the site abandoned. SubZero has moved their headquarters but the new safety protocols seem to be ineffective.

Christmas morning arrives and the town is thrown into weirdness. Pietari again goes outside in his underwear to pee and notice the trap has been sprung, Rauno goes to investigate and finds a man in the trap. He ushers Pietari back inside and Piiparinen comes over to help him move the body into the slaughterhouse. The old man is not wearing many clothes and has an American passport which says he is much younger than he appears to be. He is also not dead. Elsewhere in the town, radiators have been stolen and someone has stolen all of Aimo’s potato sacks- not the potatoes just the sacks. Also Juosso has been replaced by a creepy straw doll but the sheriff thinks he’s just out chasing girls. Pietari does some investigating for himself and finds all his friends are missing and implores Rauno to whip him for his sins so Santa doesn’t take him. Things only get weirder from there but to tell anymore would spoil the fun. Who is the naked not dead guy? What did SubZero think they were digging up? Why is the old guy obsessed with Pietari? Is Piiparinen the Finnish Corey Hart? Does anyone in Finland wear pants?

Why Did I Choose This Movie
Rare Exports was the choice over 11 other Christmas movies this year because it’s just a really good, fun movie. It’s a different take on the holiday with moments of humor, horror and what the fuck did I just see. The Christmas horror genre grows every year. Many of these do not hold up over time but Rare Exports will. Don’t believe me? It’s on Amazon Prime. Go watch it. If you are horror averse, it’s not overly scary nor is it very gory. The one warning I will give is if you are uncomfortable seeing old man dicks, you will be very uncomfortable with Rare Exports. There’s a lot of old man dick like an inordinate, fetishistic amount of old man dick.

Lessons

• Grave robbing is bad and dangerous. No matter what safety precautions you put in place, something will always go wrong. The grave you’re robbing will contain something more than the cheap trinkets you'll steal. Also, it’s a pretty sleazy thing to do and you probably have no morals.
• Taping the last day of your advent calendar closed will not stop Christmas from coming. Time does not go by a calendar. Days will pass regardless of whether you follow one or not so eat the chocolate and prepare for Santa.
• Don’t put bear traps in the chimney. It is a very dangerous practice. Someone might lose a hand trying to start a fire. Also, I’m betting it isn’t good for the chimney itself. I’m no chimney expert but the chimney sweep is coming in a couple weeks so I'll ask him. I’m sure he gets the question all the time so I’m sure it won’t be weird or lead to him refusing to clean my chimney.
• Finland is a badass place filled with badass people. They can take down anything. Soviets in World War II- yep. Crazed Santas- Sure. Not only can they take them down, they can monetize them. They don’t need pants outside in the middle of winter. Hell even their Santa is a badass with fifteen foot horns. Don’t fuck with Finland.

A Warm National Microwave Oven Day

December 6th is National Microwave Oven Day, a day to celebrate that most essential kitchen appliance. Where would we be without it? No popcorn in 3 minutes? No tasty cardboard box diet dinners? Would life be worth living without a microwave in your kitchen? Well, yes it probably would be but the inconvenience would be… well fairly tolerable. But it’s a national day and I have an amazing movie to tell you about with an unbelievable star. To celebrate National Microwave Oven Day I watched Microwave Massacre starring Jackie Vernon, the voice of one of our Christmas favorites… Frosty the Snowman.

The Movie
Jackie Vernon is Donald, a poor downtrodden construction worker, forced to subsist on a diet of exotic, healthy, microwaved meals prepared by his not so loving wife, May. While his buddies at the site eat traditional lunches like bologna and cheese, which is all Donald craves, poor Donald has a crab sandwich which might not be too bad if May had taken it out of its shell first. Donald cannot even enjoy the beautiful, barely dressed woman who frequents the job site. Meanwhile, May is at home reveling in the amazing new Q-sine her gigantic wall-sized 1980s microwave has exposed her to and cannot imagine why Donald could possibly be dissatisfied. After their shift, Donald and his buddies Roosevelt(Rosie) and Philip go to the strip club and while the guys enjoy traditional strip club activities, Donald merely sits at the bar drinking and complaining to the bartender who only wants to tell Donald about his hemorrhoids. When Donald gets home we see just how bad his marriage is as they argue and Donald stands on her freshly vacuumed sofa and fantasizes about killing May. ON this night, the budding gourmand May sets dinner on fire and tries to seduce Donald for the first time since 1962 but Donald wants none of the “walking contraceptive” he married.

After work the next day, Donald returns home and the blissful marital situation continues to spiral. All Donald wants for dinner is a bologna sandwich in the garage but May has slaved over the microwave all day. The ensuing fight is particularly bad. Donald dumps the vacuum bag all over the couch, trashes the pretentious decorations and pisses in the flower pot. May, being very observant, realizes something is bothering him but it’s too late and he turns his fantasies into reality. Donald goes to bed, drunk and wakes in the morning not even able to remember what he had done until he finds May in the microwave. His response is classic Donald… he sets her to slow broil and happily heads to work able to eat anything he wants. He stuffs May into the freezer and goes about his business until one night, he wakes hungry and grabs something from said freezer and finds it to be the most delicious thing he’s ever eaten but it’s May. Donald undertakes an all new diet like some cannibalistic Atkins fad diet adherent. Hand kabobs? Donald is down and, unknowingly, so are Rosie and Philip. Donald has a tremendous appetite for his new food and picks up a hooker but with no super crack, he must do things the old fashioned way. Donald’s appetite grows and grows. Can he be stopped? Do you really want him to be? Will anything quench his appetite? What condiments go best with a human calf? Are fingers finger food? Watch Microwave Massacre for the exciting answers to these and many other pressing questions.

Why Did I Pick This Movie
Microwave Massacre is an easy choice to celebrate this day because it’s about a guy who microwaves people and eats them. Also Jackie Vernon gives the movie a curious Christmas connection. The movie is also funny as hell. The one liners will have you laughing and even the most gore averse will not be overwhelmed. Or watch Gremlins. That microwave scene is great too.

Lessons

• Pull the shades down if you plan to engage in crazy, crossdressing threesomes unless you’re into that too. 
• A microwave is just a deranged toaster. The toaster was a much saner invention. No weird technology just put the food in, turn it on and wait 2 hours for it to heat or burn. A microwave though? Don’t stick a fork in it. Don’t expect your food to have any moisture left. And be ready to burn your mouth on the first bite and have cold food by the fourth.
• Don’t piss in the living room flower pot. It’s a sure sign your marriage is in trouble. It will also stink up the room. Use the bushes outside like a normal guy.
• Don’t fuck with Frosty and make sure you feed him good food. No crazy, experimental gourmet cuisine for this snowman. No, Frosty want bologna and cheese. Maybe some ribs and a beer. Frosty doesn’t even care much about sex just good wholesome food.
• Anybody can make a mistake. Donald made mistakes but he overcame them to live a deliciously fruitful life. The key is overcoming your mistakes like Donald and right now the biggest mistake you could make is to not watch Microwave Massacre. Don’t make that one.