Happy National Utah Day!

 May 31st is National Utah Day!  It’s a day to celebrate the 45th state and all its beauty.  In that spirit here is a semi-comprehensive list of things I know about Utah:

1. The Utah Jazz

2. The Great Salt Lake

3. Salt Lake City

4. Mormons

I’ve never been to Utah either but I sure as shit can find a movie set in Utah.  In The Wolf Of Snow Hollow, something, possibly a werewolf, is terrorizing the town.  As the vicious murders mount, the pressure to bring the killer to justice falls on police officer John Marshall.  John is a ball of stress.  Aside from the murders, he is navigating a poor relationship with his ex-wife, a rapidly deteriorating one with his daughter, the declining health of his father, his sobriety and less than stellar relationships with his coworkers.  Each murder brings John closer to the brink.  Can John solve the murders before he snaps?  Is it a werewolf?  Can anyone stop the killings?  For the answers to these and many other hard-hitting questions read on and then watch The Wolf Of Snow Hollow.

Questions

Jon: How fucking beautiful is the opening?

Sandy:  Pretty fucking beautiful. At one point it reminded me of the opening in Beetlejuice when they switch from the aerial of the town to an aerial of the model Adam had built.

Jon: Ever been to Utah?

Sandy:  I have not, but I wouldn’t be opposed. I like anywhere that has less people than NY. Was this actually filmed in Utah? I didn’t check.

Jon: It was but IMDB is not specific as to where.  How annoying would that blonde girl be on a trip to a secluded cabin?

Sandy:  “It’s like I’m dating a pinball machine”… first great quote of the movie almost immediately. She’d be annoying, but would she be as annoying as you, you fuck? I’m guessing she wouldn’t be putting her dick in anyone’s water glass.

Jon: Allegedly putting my dick in a water glass.  I’m actually really cool to spend a weekend at a secluded cabin with- as long as it has cable, hot water and an indoor toilet.  Ever try to start a fight in a bar in an unfamiliar town?

Sandy:  The guy asked him if it was going to be a rude question and he said no but then it was a super fucking rude question. I have not tried to start a fight in any bar, I believe. How about you? Have you started and/or been in any bar fights?

Jon: I was in one once but I didn’t start it.  The alcohol started that fight.  Is he checking for a bomb under the car?

Sandy:  Yeah, I don’t get that. Looking to see if the brake lines were cut?? I don’t know. That was a weird scene. Were you expecting him to stab straight through his hand with that fucking chopstick he was using to open the bottle of wine??

Jon: I was half expecting that but I’m glad he didn’t.  That was some cool MacGyver shit to overcome not having a corkscrew.  Do you find hot tubs to be as gross as I find them?

Sandy: Oh my fucking god, YES. It’s just hot stagnant body fluid water that everyone seeps more body fluid into. So fucking disgusting. Did that metro-meathead guy’s voice make you feel uncomfortable too? I kept thinking he either needed to clear his throat and sinuses, or that he had sucked down some Sulfer Hexaflouride. Steroids?

Jon: That’s Jimmy Tatro!  I really like that actor.  He was great in the 1st season of American Vandal.  How many times would someone have to say “Oh my God” for it to be more times than you ever heard someone say it?

Sandy:  I’ve never counted how many times I’ve heard it said in a row so I can’t really answer that. A lot though. I feel like I’ve frequently heard it repeated a bunch of times in rapid succession. How about the psychological aspects of this movie?!?! Like when we’re introduced to John at his meeting and he’s talking about wanting to backhoe his ex wife’s house not to hurt anyone, but just so someone acknowledges his existence?!?! And then casually mentions that someone made oatmeal raisin cookies, as if that fantasy were totally normal and no big deal?!?! Kind of fucking brilliant, and also the moment I knew I’d Love him for the whole movie.

Jon: John's descent from that AA meeting through the end is amazing.  Every stressor just ratchets up his anxiety until he’s just a screaming mess.  Should no one in Snow Hollow be worried about this?

Sandy:  Eh. I’d be pretty worried no matter what the Sheriff said. How about that foreshadowing when John couldn’t even get through his speech about the program working when you concentrate on the steps, without getting distracted? Right in that moment, I thought “oh nooooooooo John! Focus!”

Jon: John definitely has attention span issues to go with his anxiety and anger issues.  Has anyone seen a body look like that if Sheriff Hadley hasn’t?

Sandy:  Well, he is old. He’s probably seen a lot. Can we talk about how casually John mentions maybe the killer took her parts to eat them OR MAKE A FLESH LIGHT OUT OF THEM?!?!? Would you make a flesh light out of somebody’s dead and somehow severed twat?

Jon: The better question is: Would I make another one?  The answer is a resounding… maybe.  “Why did you let me get married?“

Sandy:  They told him not to! Did you happen to notice what the snowboard instructor saw that wiped that smile off of her face when they were all eating together? I didn’t see anything and thought maybe it was just more foreshadowing like she’d gotten a bad feeling she couldn’t place, but I’m curious about your theory?

Jon: I just thought she saw either her sort of ex Josh or a big creepy dude like the woman in the coffee shop does.  Does “somebody will handle it” always mean nobody will?

Sandy:  Yeah, I kind of agree with John on that one. If everyone takes that attitude, no one does anything.

Jon: Can we not do this at Bonanza?

Sandy:  Haha, seriously though. No fighting in public, it ruins everyone else’s time. Didn’t his ex Brittany seem possibly the same age as their daughter, only less mature?

Jon: She seemed young which was probably intentional to convey how immature she was supposed to be seen as.  Was Abu Ghraib more fun?

Sandy:  You know, I can’t really speak to that since I was never in Abu Ghraib. Also though, he said he had a “nicer” time at Abu Ghraib. Which maybe could be true. His ex wife seemed pretty unpleasant.

Jon: Does John seem equipped to handle this situation?

Sandy:  Hahaha, nooooooooooo. Poor John. When does he get to be right?

Jon: John is really only shown to be right at the end and even then briefly and barely.  “Cut it out with that Roswell shit Chavez”?

Sandy:  John is totally unraveling at that point. I feel so badly for him. He’s clearly clinically depressed & unable to handle his own feels. I love that he asked the other officer to speak up and then lost his mind when the dude yelled that they thought it was a wolf. How fucking awesome are his slaps throughout the movie?! Slapped the hat right off that officer’s head. 

Jon: I would love to be able to do that throughout the day.  Just slap anyone who annoyed me.  The day would be so much nicer.  Can you refuse to pay taxes over an unsolved murder?

Sandy:  I don’t know, but I say let’s try it.

Jon: Is John the only one who can’t handle this situation?

Sandy:  Definitely not. The only one who does seem equipped to handle it is Officer Julia Robson. Of course. How about the Wikileaks comment as he fired Officer Screamingwolf?

Jon: Absolutely justified.  If you’re leaking details about an investigation you should get fired and have to go work for WikiLeaks.  I think there was a time when Sheriff Hadley could have when he wasn’t dying.  Should Julia be heading this investigation?

Sandy:  Yes. And the whole department actually. Also, it’s Detective Robson, you twat. Her method for getting that dude to change the sign he was putting up was brilliant and basically non-confrontational, which is excellent and not something John seemed capable of.

Jon: She seemed competent but at the end of the day she didn’t accomplish much either and John solved the case.  Julia was all calm and skilled at talking to people with no results.  Can John do anything right like even talk to his child?

Sandy:  John does not seem totally engaged in being part of the living. He’s very detached from reality. I relate to this guy hard, without the alcoholism. How about when his daughter starts psychoanalyzing him? She seems pretty spot on with her evaluation. When you’ve got two emotionally unavailable or emotionally immature parents as a child, it forces you to act more mature at a younger age, but you’re still SUPER fucked up inside. What do you think will happen in her life as an adult?!

Jon: It all depends on how she handles her PTSD after being attacked by a werewolf.  Maybe she could be a therapist but she could wind up working the pole too.  Wait, Men in Black isn’t a documentary?

Sandy:  Who knew??

Jon: Certainly not me.  I think that’s Hollywood bullshit.  Could that guy at the diner have been any creepier?

Sandy:  Maybe if he had immediately taken off his pants or rubbed his crotch, but he was pretty fucking creepy. “Who would want to throw a beer bottle at a cop car?”

Jon: Who wouldn’t?  Are the interviews actually going great?

Sandy:  Oh boy, no. Not even remotely. “It was a big woman.” 

Jon: Is John really not a child?

Sandy:  I get what he’s saying. He’s definitely having trouble dealing with some kind of unresolved childhood trauma around his Dad. He’s acting like a child because he’s feeling those same feels again and he’s being transported back to when they first happened. 

Jon: If you live in a town where there have been unsolved murders and had an encounter with a creepy guy that day, would you get out of your car for road kill?

Sandy:  I was so fucking mad at that twat for doing that. Darwin, man. Her genes made her stupid and she got herself and her daughter killed. The universe was like “NOPE. No more of you.” Two gunshots and she just throws the gun??

Jon: Maybe she only had 2 bullets or she figured out she was too scared to shoot straight.  Either way, at that point the gun may as well be a projectile.  How inappropriate is drinking an Arizona at a funeral?

Sandy:  Well, swigging directly from a bottle of whisky would have been worse, but it’s still pretty bad.

Jon: But if the whisky were in a flask it’s acceptable.  Is the guy with the wolf tattoo a good suspect if you’re looking for a werewolf?

Sandy:  I think that’s a reasonably good choice for someone to look into. And he DID kill someone, so….

Jon:Do you think women have had to deal with this specific kind of shit since the Middle Ages?

Sandy:  Longer, Jon. Way longer. I love the look Detective Robson gives him when he says that. What the fuck was with him pulling his own tooth out?

Jon: I would imagine it hurt and was maybe a little loose and the alcohol made it seem like a good idea.  Should you sneak up on a police officer who has all the spooky books out?

Sandy:  You shouldn’t sneak up on any police officer. As John alluded, those motherfuckers are jumpy and carry loaded weapons. How about when John passed out onto the oven door? I thought that was a great scene. Hilariously funny and heartbreaking simultaneously.

Jon: His devolution is spectacular.  Every scene he declines even further.  Could this be the office lady’s fault?

Sandy:  No, though I get what he was saying in reference to not leaking information about the investigation to anyone anywhere. If the phone call guy knew they were looking into him, he might run. 

Jon: Would you have sex with the offspring of a small town cop when you live in that small town?

Sandy:  No. Well, maybe as a woman if I were having sex with the male offspring of a small town cop it wouldn’t be looked at the same way. “I’m bleeding from the skull, take me to the fucking hospital.” I get why she was so upset with him, but maybe her rebellious act of fucking some dude in his car outside of a random lady’s house in a residential neighborhood during a mandated curfew put in place to curb the horrifically violent murders that kept happening was not the brightest maneuver?

Jon: It wasn’t the smartest plan but it was a rebellious cry for attention for a father who was way more obsessed with the investigation than the safety of his daughter.  Even after she’s attacked, John is ready to go after the werewolf and leave her bleeding on the curb.  Is John going to survive this investigation?

Sandy:  John? Yes. His career? I can’t really imagine that’ll do well after all of this.

Jon: Is John really an asshole or is he just completely overwhelmed?

Sandy:  I think he’s completely overwhelmed and emotionally unstable to begin with. Not necessarily an asshole though. Have you ever chugged mouthwash or something comparable when regular grownup alcohol wasn’t immediately available?

Jon: Nope.  Not even during my hardest drinking periods.  Can John even fire the coroner?

Sandy:  Haha, I don’t think so?? And why would his daughter lose all her friends at school if he got fired as the coroner anyway?? How hilarious and simultaneously satisfying was it when John slapped the coroner after his little clap-punctuated “your job is to find the suspects”?!

Jon: It was expected.  That’s how John handles any form of disrespect or questioning but the coroner was right.  Who is the werewolf?

Sandy:  It’s Buffalo Bill!  There were so many scenes in this that reminded me of Silence of the Lambs. Like when John knocks on that creep’s door to return evidence vs when Clarice knocks on Buffalo Bill’s door looking for the previous owner of the home to ask questions. And when both killers suddenly realized they’d been discovered and take off running. How did you feel about the concept of the werewolf being a psychotic man in a costume? I thought it was interesting and steeped in symbolism. I’d like to have a more in depth conversation about that. Maybe we can use this movie for a podcast episode.

Jon: I liked the twist of it being a man and not a werewolf.  It sort of makes that same statement that George Romero liked to make about people being more dangerous than the monsters.   Did you expect the werewolf would be a cop or a character we knew well?

Sandy:  I didn’t think it was a cop, but I did think it would be someone more obvious. I watched the movie twice this week though, and the second time I watched it, seeing that dude earlier on made sense. “I won’t ask you to pray for me because of the goddam lawyers.” How great was Robert Forster as John’s dad, Sheriff Hadley?! I think he might have died during the period of time while this movie was being filmed… can you confirm or deny that?

Jon: He did not die during filming.  This was filmed in March of 2019 and he was diagnosed with cancer in June and died in October.  This movie did come out after he died.  He was so perfectly cast for that role.  How awesome is John’s face when he knows he’s about to do something crazy?

Sandy:  It’s the fucking BEST. That actor makes the best facial expressions. Has he been in other stuff? I want to see more of him.

Jon: He hasn’t been in a lot of other stuff.  He seems to be mostly in movies he wrote and directed like The Wolf of Snow Hollow although he was in Halloween Kills.  Was John really an asshole or just misguided and well intentioned?

Sandy:  I still say he’s not an asshole, just deeply lost in depression and anxiety.

Lessons

Don’t sneak up on a cop who is reading the spooky books.

Stay in your car even if the road kill is intriguing.

As much as I hate to say it, don’t slap your coworkers and subordinates.

National Road Trip Day!

 May 27th is National Road Trip Day.  It’s not a holiday I would normally celebrate on Memorial Day weekend with its increased traffic and annual long weekend gas price gouging.  I’ll take my road trips at a different time, so instead we celebrate with a movie.  In Splinter, Polly and Seth head out for a camping trip that is destined to be a disaster because Seth is about as skilled an outdoorsman as I am, which is to say, poor.  As they head back to civilization, their car is stopped by Dennis and Lacey who take them hostage.  As if being taken hostage by an interstate fugitive and his methy partner isn’t bad enough, at an isolated gas station they encounter a killer mutated porcupine-type monster.  Can they survive?  Is there anything redemptive in Dennis and Lacey?  Can you amputate an arm with a boxcutter?  Read the blog and watch Splinter for the answers to these and many other burning questions.

Questions

Jon: Does anything good ever happen at an out of the way gas station? 

Alison: It’s a stop on the way in many horror movies. This is one of the few I can think of that takes place entirely at a gas station. 

Jon: Or to a guy wearing an I Heart Bikinis hat?

Alison: Deciding to put that shirt on in the morning is a vote for disaster.  What does this guy think is in the woods? He’s “shoo-ing” it?

Jon: Probably any one of a number of small forest creatures or a stray cat.  Definitely not a mutated porcupine thing.  Does that guy look like he was made for camping? 

Alison: Ha! No. He looks like exactly what he says he’s doing - his doctorate. Sex in the woods, yea or nay?

Jon: I have very little interest in getting pine needles in my ass crack so no probably not.  How soon is too soon to complain about the bugs? 

Alison: It’s never too soon to start complaining, you know that about me.

Jon: Is she sure that SHE got the right pole?

Alison: News flash: it doesn't take two people to set up that tent. Have you ever been camping? I realized I may not know this.

Jon: I have been camping and I hated it mainly because of the toilet situation.  I have a hard enough time pooping in an unfamiliar toilet.  Imagine how bad that is in an outhouse or a hole.  Is it wise to throw all your stuff away?

Alison: We’ll get new stuff, Jon. And please do not ever tell me I’m your cowgirl. 

Jon: The glow of free cable TV or the stars?

Alison: The stars, for sure. Are these two remotely believable as a couple?

Jon: I think they are.  They’re just opposites but they work.  Does Seth suffer from CDS or do you think he’s cool with it?

Alison: He seems cool with the weird compendium of shit he does know how to do, so no likely not suffering.  

Jon: Does it seem like maybe Dennis has a touch of CDS himself? 

Alison: He is good at hijacking people, apparently. Is Dennis scary? He also reminds me of another more famous actor. WHO DOES HE REMIND ME OF?? It’s not Gary Sinise, but there’s another guy he looks like….

Jon: I would argue that he’s not very good at hijacking.  He gave a gun to a meth head.  He never really seemed to have any control over the situation.  How much more irresponsible does Dennis seem letting Lacey carry a gun? 

Alison: Pretty irresponsible. Is it just me or does everyone involved here immediately get Stockholm syndrome?

Jon: I don’t think they did.  Seth and Polly never really accepted anything.  They really only cooperated when they were under attack.  Do you believe luck actually changes? 

Alison: To me, luck means fate, so no. If you believe in fate.  Jon, is Ginger okay? Is Lacey okay? How weird is it that Lacey and Dennis are having this emotional experience in front of the people they just hijacked?

Jon: Considering she’s super methy it’s not that weird. If there is no employee at a gas station, do you leave and go to a different one? 

Alison: No. Actually, I was going to ask you, if you were in a store where there was clearly nobody around, would you take stuff?  Also, remember when gas was $3? How quaint.

Jon: Anything not nailed down and maybe a few things that were.  Would you be the one to taunt the guy with the gun?

Alison: Would, I Jon? Would I?

Jon: You would not.  If a Porcuman attacked and apparently killed me, would you leave the safety of a building to come cry over me?  The correct answer is no. 

Alison: PORCUMAN!! Genius. How amazing is Porcuman? Dennis clearly went into immediate shock in that scene. I have no idea what I would do in that situation but I might come cry over you. Sorry not sorry.

Jon: You can’t do that.  You have to be the heroine at that point and avenge my death.  Should they open the door?

Alison:No, no no. They actually need more doors.

Jon: Is Seth a complete idiot?

Alison: Absolutely have “how fucking stupid is Seth” right here in my notes.

Jon: Is this the 2nd best severed hand moment in a movie?

Alison: There’s no Bruce Campbell, so second at best. 

Jon: How would you react if my undead, parasite hosting body was bashing my head against a window relentlessly?

Alison: Wow, Lacey really wants  into that convenience store. Again, I really have no idea how I would react but SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS FOREVER comes to mind.

Jon: How fucked are you when the Porcuwoman tears the cop in half?

Alison: Quite fucked. Yeah that cop is not okay. Is “help can’t even help us” one of the best lines of all time? Is that a thing and I’ve just never heard it?

Jon: I love that line.  I can really relate to it.  Should Dennis chop his hand off?

Alison: Most definitely. We have watched enough horror movies to know that is exactly what you do in these situations. What was your most memorable trip to a convenience store, Jon? 

Jon: I used to spend a lot of time in convenience stores.  I had a friend who worked in one and I was trying to date a girl that worked in a different one.  There’s not one specific one that stands out but I definitely had fun.  Is this the time to mock Lacey?

Alison: That’s not Lacey, that was Lacey.

Jon: Would you get impatient enough to risk burning yourself alive that quickly?

Alison: Again, you know me, so probably.

Jon: Do you think Dennis and Polly just wanted to start a fire because they’re pyromaniacs?

Alison: I think Dennis has always wanted to set a forest fire. How fucked up is it that Polly just ignores and talks down to Seth in that moment? Also, how messed up is it that these two thought only a few hours ago that they’d be fucking in a tent right now?

Jon: Seth wasn’t offering any solutions in that moment.  He was only complaining about the only plan they had come up with so he kind of deserved it.  Fucking in tents is gross and only slightly better than being trapped in that convenience store.  Would you amputate your hand if it grew spikes?

Alison: I don’t know, are they fashion-forward  or parasitic? Is the diseased hand scampering across the floor just a liiiiiiittle bit adorable?

Jon: I guess it’s about as adorable as a parasitic, severed hand could be.  With a boxcutter? 

Alison: Given that whole scene it seems painful enough that you’d resort to that. “It’s okay, it’s okay we are cutting your arm off.” Oh good, that’s nice, thank you.

Jon: Did it hurt you when the boxcutter went into his arm? 

Alison: It was the cinder block that got me.

Jon: Nope it was the boxcutter that got me.  I felt that shit in my arm.  Could a boxcutter get through bone?

Alison: No.

Jon: Am I now obsessed with cutting arms off with boxcutters?

Alison: Gee, I hope so. How obviously tucked behind his back is Dennis’ actual arm?

Jon: Not at all since that actor, Shea Whigham, is so method that he actually let them cut his arm off for the movie.  Is lowering your body temperature like that really safe? 

Alison: Noooooooo. And where the hell are they that it’s 93 degrees out at night? Is that what I should do all summer? Tie bags of ice to myself?

Jon: It’s that hot here at night sometimes.  Please do not tie ice bags to your body.  I really don’t think I could take a whole summer of you alternating between complaining about how hot it is outside and how cold you are with the ice strapped to you.  Seriously, a boxcutter amputation?

Alison: Desperate times. 

Jon: Are all road trips this much fun or only when you encounter Meth Bonnie and Clyde?

Alison: Fun? I don’t think this is fun, but they certainly get attached to each other in a matter of hours.

Jon: How surprising is Dennis sacrificing himself? 

Alison: Not a lot. He is the cool badass in the movie, and that’s part of the trope. How badass is tossing and catching the rifle to continuously shoot as a modification when you have only one arm? 

Jon: It’s a pretty cool move but not as cool as replacing the arm with a chainsaw.  So their big escape plan involves walking?

Alison: Apparently. And fair enough on the chainsaw. How surprised are you that Seth survives? Maybe he’s not so stupid?

Jon: Seth was the smartest one of the bunch.  It was his plan that got them out of that convenience store.  He just wasn’t tough or much of an outdoorsman.  SEQUEL??????

Alison: Oh Ginger, you little scamp.

Lessons

Don’t stop for hitchhikers.

Listen to warnings.

Don’t hide wounds from your fellow survivors.