A Warm National Microwave Oven Day

December 6th is National Microwave Oven Day, a day to celebrate that most essential kitchen appliance. Where would we be without it? No popcorn in 3 minutes? No tasty cardboard box diet dinners? Would life be worth living without a microwave in your kitchen? Well, yes it probably would be but the inconvenience would be… well fairly tolerable. But it’s a national day and I have an amazing movie to tell you about with an unbelievable star. To celebrate National Microwave Oven Day I watched Microwave Massacre starring Jackie Vernon, the voice of one of our Christmas favorites… Frosty the Snowman.

The Movie
Jackie Vernon is Donald, a poor downtrodden construction worker, forced to subsist on a diet of exotic, healthy, microwaved meals prepared by his not so loving wife, May. While his buddies at the site eat traditional lunches like bologna and cheese, which is all Donald craves, poor Donald has a crab sandwich which might not be too bad if May had taken it out of its shell first. Donald cannot even enjoy the beautiful, barely dressed woman who frequents the job site. Meanwhile, May is at home reveling in the amazing new Q-sine her gigantic wall-sized 1980s microwave has exposed her to and cannot imagine why Donald could possibly be dissatisfied. After their shift, Donald and his buddies Roosevelt(Rosie) and Philip go to the strip club and while the guys enjoy traditional strip club activities, Donald merely sits at the bar drinking and complaining to the bartender who only wants to tell Donald about his hemorrhoids. When Donald gets home we see just how bad his marriage is as they argue and Donald stands on her freshly vacuumed sofa and fantasizes about killing May. ON this night, the budding gourmand May sets dinner on fire and tries to seduce Donald for the first time since 1962 but Donald wants none of the “walking contraceptive” he married.

After work the next day, Donald returns home and the blissful marital situation continues to spiral. All Donald wants for dinner is a bologna sandwich in the garage but May has slaved over the microwave all day. The ensuing fight is particularly bad. Donald dumps the vacuum bag all over the couch, trashes the pretentious decorations and pisses in the flower pot. May, being very observant, realizes something is bothering him but it’s too late and he turns his fantasies into reality. Donald goes to bed, drunk and wakes in the morning not even able to remember what he had done until he finds May in the microwave. His response is classic Donald… he sets her to slow broil and happily heads to work able to eat anything he wants. He stuffs May into the freezer and goes about his business until one night, he wakes hungry and grabs something from said freezer and finds it to be the most delicious thing he’s ever eaten but it’s May. Donald undertakes an all new diet like some cannibalistic Atkins fad diet adherent. Hand kabobs? Donald is down and, unknowingly, so are Rosie and Philip. Donald has a tremendous appetite for his new food and picks up a hooker but with no super crack, he must do things the old fashioned way. Donald’s appetite grows and grows. Can he be stopped? Do you really want him to be? Will anything quench his appetite? What condiments go best with a human calf? Are fingers finger food? Watch Microwave Massacre for the exciting answers to these and many other pressing questions.

Why Did I Pick This Movie
Microwave Massacre is an easy choice to celebrate this day because it’s about a guy who microwaves people and eats them. Also Jackie Vernon gives the movie a curious Christmas connection. The movie is also funny as hell. The one liners will have you laughing and even the most gore averse will not be overwhelmed. Or watch Gremlins. That microwave scene is great too.

Lessons

• Pull the shades down if you plan to engage in crazy, crossdressing threesomes unless you’re into that too. 
• A microwave is just a deranged toaster. The toaster was a much saner invention. No weird technology just put the food in, turn it on and wait 2 hours for it to heat or burn. A microwave though? Don’t stick a fork in it. Don’t expect your food to have any moisture left. And be ready to burn your mouth on the first bite and have cold food by the fourth.
• Don’t piss in the living room flower pot. It’s a sure sign your marriage is in trouble. It will also stink up the room. Use the bushes outside like a normal guy.
• Don’t fuck with Frosty and make sure you feed him good food. No crazy, experimental gourmet cuisine for this snowman. No, Frosty want bologna and cheese. Maybe some ribs and a beer. Frosty doesn’t even care much about sex just good wholesome food.
• Anybody can make a mistake. Donald made mistakes but he overcame them to live a deliciously fruitful life. The key is overcoming your mistakes like Donald and right now the biggest mistake you could make is to not watch Microwave Massacre. Don’t make that one.