As we prepare to ring in a new year, we have one final Christmas movie. In Christmas Evil, Harry Stadling is obsessed with Christmas and Santa. So obsessed that Harry keeps his own naughty and nice lists of the neighborhood kids, works in a toy factory and is making his own Santa suit. Things spiral out of control on Christmas Eve when Harry sets out to be Santa and delivers toys that he steals. His initially altruistic night devolves into chaos as he is rejected and sets out to settle scores. Is there any stopping Harry? Read the blog and then watch Christmas Evil and hold onto the holiday season a little longer.
Jon: Why did they leave bread and butter out for Santa? Is that like a prison Santa tradition?
Sandy: Is that what that was? I thought it was whole sandwich fixins. Also a strange snack for Santa.
Alison: Mmmmm carbs.
Jon: If you caught your mom with Santa’s face in her crotch, would it cause you to grow up to be a murderous Santa? Even if you knew it was actually your dad?
Sandy: Yes.
Alison: I would definitely grow up altered in some way.
Jon: Brandon Maggart is Fiona Apple’s father. What other musician’s father would you like to see cast as a murderous Santa?
Sandy: Mozart. Wait… do they have to be alive?
Alison: Taylor Swift.
Jon: Did you ever realize how easily you can change the words to Walking in a Winter Wonderland to Walking in Our Mother’s Underwear?
Sandy: No, but I am singing it in my head now.
Alison: Yes, because you sing it to me every Christmas haha.
Jon: Should “negative body hygiene” get you on the naughty list or is Harry just a creepy, peeping Tom obsessing over every little flaw Moss Garcia has?
Sandy: Yoooooo… seriously… that whole spying on kids and running back to his big ass books to write about their behaviors thing made me super uncomfortable.
Alison: I remember there was a hygiene section on my uncle’s report card. So I think it's part of an old-timey ranking system for worthiness.
Jon: Is this toy company the least joyful work environment ever? Sandy: I feel like divorce mediator would be worse.
Alison: It's such a sad work environment. Want that weird carousel alarm clock for Christmas Jon?
Sandy: I speak on behalf of all Jons when I say yes.
Jon: Nope that’s a hard pass for this Jon and all Jons. As a Jon, I have the authority to speak on our behalf.
Alison: Does his apartment look like this year round?
Sandy: Right?! And yes, presumably.
Jon: Absolutely just like ours looks like Halloween year round.
Alison: How freaking creepy is it to keep a log of all the kids in the neighborhood?
Sandy: E X A C T L Y.
Jon: I don’t see anyone else in that neighborhood attempting to hold that little shit Moss Garcia accountable for his hygiene and illicit magazine collection.
Alison: How shitty and unfun do those toys on the assembly line look?
Sandy: I mean… when was this movie made? It doesn’t matter, they looked pretty assy.
Jon: Those are the kind of toys that your distant relative who only comes to Christmas once a decade gets for you when you’re 14.
Alison: How freaking creepy is it to spy on your little brother and his family?
Sandy: It’s somehow marginally less creepy than spying on the neighborhood kids.
Jon: Someone has to keep an eye on the kids while the parents are banging on the couch.
Alison: Is Moss Garcia's mom the lady from Home Improvement?
Sandy: I don’t even remember what she looked like, but maybe?
Jon: For as much as we saw her she might as well have been Wilson.
Alison: Wait a second… .this motherfucker is SMELTING?
Sandy: Haha, a man of many talents.
Jon: If you’re going to be Santa you have to learn some things. Smelting is probably one.
Sandy: Anyone else barf in their mouth a little bit when they saw how much food was getting caught in that fucking gross dangly mustache? Alison: Ugh yes.
Jon: He’s saving it for later. That’s why you have that mustache.
Sandy: Can we go caroling and just growl-hum the songs at people?
Alison: I think Fiona learned how to sing from her dad. And yes, yes we can.
Jon: Sure but not at Christmas time. I want to do it in the middle of April.
Sandy: What’s with the mud face/handprints on the side of the house???
Alison: Wondering the same! Not sure what that was about but it was definitely on brand for creepiness.
Jon: He’s marking the houses of the naughty and that Moss Garcia is the naughtiest and his hygiene sucks.
Sandy: I was getting some serious Joaquin Phoenix’s Joker vibes from this movie. I’d be curious to see if it was an inspiration to him at all while he was working on that movie. Anyone else catch that feeling?
Alison: Fiona's dad was super great at being a super creep, just like Joaquin . Or Joaquin is like Bart, rather.
Jon: I did not pick up on that but Joaquin would have been wise to study this role.
Sandy: What’s with all of these people not making sure the kids are in bed before fucking around?!
Alison: It was the 70s. It was weird. 80s? Whatever, it was weird.
Jon: Not having kids, I don’t know the difficulties of trying to fool around with kids in the house. Melatonin maybe?
Sandy: Where is Harry’s sister?? Wasn’t there a sister?
Alison: Was there? In the beginning? I don't remember. Maybe she decided she'd had enough creepy brother time at some point and just left.
Jon: There was not. Just the 2 boys.
Lessons
Leave being Santa to the real Santa. It’s too much for a regular guy to handle.
Don’t trick co-workers into covering shifts for you so you can go drinking.
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