Christmas is lurking just around the corner now. Hopefully, your shopping is done but I know many of you haven’t even started yet. Well maybe you should put it off a little longer and join us in watching a new holiday classic Christmas Bloody Christmas. What happens when you cross The Terminator with Santa? You get RoboSanta+, a robotic Santa built with military technology. Nothing could possibly go wrong with that right? Wrong, otherwise there wouldn’t be a movie. RoboSanta+’s programming malfunctions and Santa goes on a nearly unstoppable killing spree. Can Santa be stopped? Should we even develop RoboSantas? Read on and then watch Christmas Bloody Christmas.
Questions
Jon: Would you buy a RoboSanta+ to replace the degenerate mall Santas?
SANDY: Fuck no! Degenerate mall Santas are a very important part of the experience of Christmas.
Alison: I'd hang on to the degenerate mall Santas. Apparently they're safer.
Jon: Drink with Robbie or out with the Tinder tool Emmit Eyeliner? SANDY: Robbie! Robbie!
Alison: Neither! Go home and take a bubble bath.
Jon: Do all bands make shitty records immediately after they cut their hair?
SANDY: I have done zero research on this.
Alison: That's a fascinating theory I'd like to examine more closely.
Jon: I think it’s largely true. I’ll launch an official investigation. How intimidating is an evil robotic Santa?
SANDY: Evil? More like programmed to kill. But murderous yes. And terrifying.
Alison: Very. He/it seems incredibly tall.
Jon: Is Pet Sematary 2 better than the first one because Traci Lords has 3 songs on the soundtrack? Do you know who Traci Lords is? SANDY: Did you know that Traci Lords has been involved in lots of other movies that weren’t porn also?
Alison: I have no opinion on this.
Jon: Sure. She was in Sharkansas Women’s Prison Massacre for one. Could you kiss someone who thinks Book of Shadows is good? SANDY: I am unfamiliar with Book of Shadows, but I’m sure I have kissed multiple people with terrible taste. That’s not a self deprecating thing, I mean like in music and movies and books and whatnot.
Alison: What the fuck is Book of Shadows?
Jon: Book of Shadows is Blair Witch 2.
Alison: How gross is the guy she's thinking of banging?
SANDY: Again, I’ve definitely banged dudes who were way more gross than that. Fuck, I’ve lived with a couple of them.
Jon: It’s not so much that he’s gross. He’s just a gigantic tool.
Alison: If you were a murderous robo santa wouldn't you also like to murder these people?
SANDY: Awww, they were just trying to get their holiday fuck on.
Jon: No, I actually really like Tori and Robbie.
Alison: Is it just me or do you kinda want to kill these people? SANDY: I feel a little bit like this is very much the same question as the previous one and I’m just going to guess you didn’t like them?
Jon: It’s just you.
Alison: Seriously want them dead.
SANDY: Hahaha
Jon: That’s absolute madness.
Alison: Would you want to spend your Xmas Eve like this? I mean, pre-murder Santa?
SANDY: Eh. I could imagine something like that in my holidays of the future.
Jon: Hmmm… drinking, smoking, cool music, nachos and fucking? Sign me up.
Alison: Do you like these people better less when they're talking and more when they're being chased by a murderous robo santa? SANDY: I know you like them more when they’re dead. I wasn’t bothered by them at all for some reason. I kind of liked Robbie especially, but Tori too. Lots of alliteration in their names… Tori Tooms and Robbie Reynolds… very satisfying to my nerdy brain.
Jon: Rooted for them the whole movie. They kind of had the ideal 20 something lifestyle.
Alison: Lemmy is God.
SANDY: I will not argue.
Jon: Long live Lemmy.
Sandy: With a vocabulary of over 90,000 words, shouldn’t that muthafukka know what “no” and screams usually mean?
Alison: hahahha excellent point.
Jon: They used military technology so in that language no and screaming are merely incitements to cause further harm.
Sandy: Some of my favorite quotes from the movie were “I just want his little Christmas Eve shlong” and “I got a stinky dick”. Were there any other lines that stuck in your minds?
Alison: The dialogue was so natural I just zoned out and hated how chatty they were until they started dying.
Jon: The dialogue was great even without a wise-cracking villain.
Sandy: Soooo… the Santas were just military weapons that they “reprogrammed”, slapped a red suit on and sent out to toy stores across the world?
Alison: Apparently! What a neat idea.
Jon: It’s probably no worse than child-abducting elves.
Sandy: How did he chop that dude’s whole body in half with just a regular axe? I’m calling bullshit on that. As if everything else were believable…
Alison: Admit it, you've never tried so you don't REALLY know if it works that way or not.
Jon: He’s got military tech so he’s super strong too. If I got a good swing, I could do that.
Sandy: Okay, so… these cops are exceptionally terrible at their jobs and WHERE THE FUCK ARE ALL OF THE OTHER PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN THIS TOWN?
Alison: In bed, sleeping, like normal people.
Jon: It’s late at night. The kids are dreaming of sugar plums or some shit and the adults are all fucking.
***************SPOILERS*****************************
Sandy: Oh no! Not Robbie! He was so good at oral! Also, how hard is it going to be for her to flick her bean without the main bean flicking fingers?
Alison: I was so upset for her that she didn't escape unharmed. Although before I wanted her dead.
Jon: She’ll just have to improvise. She has another hand. Losing Robbie will be much harder to overcome.
Sandy: Terminator meets The Santa Clause? (I don’t remember what happens in The Santa Clause.)
Alison: Definitely Terminator Santa.
Jon: I’d be down for a Terminator meets A Christmas Story movie. Or RoboSanta+ and It’s a Wonderful LIfe.
Lessons
We do not need robotic Santas.
Skip the Tinder guy in the goofy hat who sings goofy songs that everyone calls Emmit Eyeliner. Find a Robbie instead.
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