May 9th is National Sleepover Day. The sleepover is a rite of passage for children. They reach an age, probably randomly determined by a parent, at which they are able to spend the night at a friend’s house. These aren’t the nights you spend at a grandparent’s or some other relative or family friend so your parents can go out for the night and then come home to a quiet house and make you a sibling. No, these are the nights you get to spend at a friend’s house staying up late, watching movies and talking, sleeping in an air mattress on the floor. Bonding experiences. Nights that strengthen friendships and leave you tired for days. I hated sleepovers. I have a hard enough time sleeping in my own bed, in my own house. Put me in a new place and forget it. All the unfamiliar sounds and light. The air mattress, if I was lucky, wasn’t any more comfortable than a sleeping bag on the floor. Plus someone always snores- loudly, Did you just fart in your sleep? Your cat is biting my toes. Your baby sister is screeching. Oh shit, you did fart in your sleep. No thanks, I’ll just sleep at home and watch movies. It just so happens that there is a perfect movie to go with National Sleepover Day- 1982’s The Slumber Party Massacre. So call a friend and have them spend the night and watch but I’m sleeping in my own bed.
The Movie
High schooler Trish wakes to her clock radio and news that mass murderer Russ Thorn has escaped but Trish has no time for the news even if it is foreshadowing news. It’s a big day. Her parents are going away and she’s having a slumber party with her 3 best girlfriends- Diane, Kim and Jackie. As her parents are getting into the car to leave they tell her that the neighbor, Mr. Contant will be keeping an eye on things. Mr Contant is not what you would call intimidating but he does seem awfully eager to help out. Trish heads for school after throwing out the garbage including her Barbie doll. Seems like an odd time to kick Barbie to the curb but Trish has had it with her.
At school, we meet the rest of Trish’s crew. Jeff and Neil are typical horny teenage boys and as if this needs proving, Jeff hits on the phone repairwoman. She is unimpressed though flattered but even if she had said yes the date never would have happened. She is killed in her van by a killer with a drill. This sets a precedent for this movie, No one can hear anything. She screams and the drill is definitely not quiet but no one in the parking lot seems to hear. The girls are playing basketball in PE, which seems to be the only class they have all day, and as Coach Jana tells them “Larry Bird they ain’t.” Valerie, the new girl who lives across the street from Trish has some skill but Jackie is trash. The defense is porous, no one can take a charge and the referees, if there even are any, won’t call even the most blatant travel. After PE the girls shower and change. Trish wants to invite Valerie but the other girls aren’t into the idea and they make jokes about Valerie who is changing nearby and hears everything. Trish invites her anyway but having heard the girls’ opinions of her, she declines and heads home for a night of babysitting her inappropriately oversexualized younger sister Courtney. Diane walks home and her boyfriend John Minor, who is called by his full name for almost the entire movie, tries to sneak up on her but she flips him over. Coach Jana goes home to the handywoman drilling a peephole in her door and it’s the shittiest peephole you’ll ever see. If Coach Jana ever has the chance to use it she’ll surely get splinters in her eye.
Trish goes home and prepares for the big night and is apparently so excited that she forgets to close the door. Open doors are an invitation to Mr. Contant who lets himself in and scares Trish. Soon the other girls show up with a bag of Maui Wowie and Mr. Contant catches them but promises not to tell about the weed if the girls don’t tell on him for sneaking into the house. The night is now in full swing- weed, chips, pizza, creepy neighbor, peeping toms and a drill wielding maniac. These girls are fucked as a bloody night awaits in The Slumber Party Massacre.
Lessons
Radio station giveaways generally suck. Be the 93rd caller and you win a radio station T-shirt and an entry into the big contest and a chance to win a trip that you’ll never win. Just skip it. You’ll only ever wear the shirt to mow the lawn anyway.
Brian Sipe is a doll who needed to take his helmet off more often. I had never thought about the Browns quarterback as anything but a quarterback but upon further review he is a doll.
Don’t go back into the building alone. Especially when there’s a killer on the loose. Especially when it’s late and the building will be locked up soon. And especially not alone.
Jim Jones did NOT give his followers Kool Aid. He used the knock off, Flavor Aid.
French kissing is gross. You don’t know where that tongue has been or what germs are on it. It’s also really slimy and feels like a rubber octopus tentacle. Tongues are for tasting and electric sockets.
Never, and I mean NEVER, drop your machete. Even if you think the maniac with the drill is dead.
5 More Movies With Power Tools as Weapons
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre- Um a chainsaw
The Evil Dead Trilogy- Chainsaw Hand
Driller Killer- Another drill
Nail Gun Massacre- Yep a nail gun
Hatchet- Power Sander
