Happy National Hairball Awareness Day!

 April 29 is National Hairball Awareness Day.  If you have 8 cats like I do, you accept hairballs to be a normal part of your daily existence.  An understated, much less acceptable hazard is discovering the hairball at 3 AM on the way to the bathroom, barefoot.  That’s where the awareness comes into play.  You really need to pay attention and do the things to help prevent hairballs like a regular grooming routine.  Cats aren’t the only thing impacted by hairballs.  Who would have worse hairball issues than a werewolf?  Lou Garou is a mediocre police officer at best.  He drinks his way through his shifts and has meaningless sexual adventures at night. (Wait. That doesn’t sound too bad).  One night Lou has a strange experience that alters his life forever.  Lou is attacked by a werewolf and becomes Wolfcop!  From there his life gets really strange.  So brush your cat and then watch Wolfcop.

Questions

Jon: Is an alarm clock the worst sound ever?

Sandy:  I used to have my alarm clock set to what can only be described as “nuclear power plant meltdown” sound, but after years of waking up in full panic mode, I decided “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” was a better choice for my own mental health. Maybe we should ask Dicktoria and her bagpipes what they think. What more could you ask for than Liquor Donuts, Jon? What types of liquor would you want in your donuts? Top 3. GO!

Jon: I can only think of 2 that might work in a donut - rum or beer in the batter.  A vodka filled donut actually sounds vomit-inducing.    Maybe a maple whiskey, but we’d both vomit that up.  Should you go to work if you’re still so fucked up that you puke in the driveway?

Sandy:  Only if your job involves carrying a firearm. TITS!

Jon:  Boobs always raise the rating of a movie by a half point, so a 5 automatically is a 5.5.  Should you always skip the hot dogs?

Sandy:  Probably. If you value your own life, then definitely. But I believe the term you’re looking for is “pork swords”. Is there anything more terrifying than Willie being in charge of a gun store??

Jon: Willie being a surgeon.  Is Tina good at her job or is the competition for employee of the month not very good?

Sandy:  There is zero competition for employee of the month. Was there a single character with any redeeming characteristics in this movie? I legit can’t remember actually liking anyone’s personality.

Jon: I liked Lou and Tina a lot.  Lou was just sort of a hapless dope and Tina was a good cop.  If you open a pill bottle and see it’s empty, do you still turn it over?

Sandy:  This motherfucker does not have his shit together well enough to understand how reality works. What do you think was in that pill bottle before he emptied it? Zoloft? Adderall? Thorazine?

Jon: Dewormer.  If you can only do the 1st task at your job without going to the bar, is it time to get a new job, or are things working perfectly?

Sandy:  Things would be working perfectly if you were a bartender and your first task was getting ready to go to the bar, but as a cop that’s a big fat fucking no. Have you ever been drunk/high during work at any point since your first gainful employment experience? Did you know that I have “work weed”? Are you jealous?

Jon: Absolutely not.  I used to get drunk before working overnights at Caldor on a semi-regular basis and I have to tell you -  Being drunk at work SUCKS!  You still have to work which really minimizes the fun of being drunk.  Would you vote for Terry Wallace?

Sandy:  There is nobody in this movie I would willingly vote for, for anything. Ever. Is it normal for political candidates to go rile people up at the local dive bars during a campaign? 

Jon: You go where the people are and in that town the people are in bars.  Is Lou the hairiest motherfucker alive before he becomes a werewolf?

Sandy:  Haha, I was thinking they specifically picked that actor to save money and time on special effects makeup. Can you find some velvet nudie art for me for my birthday this year? I really want velvet nudie art. I DON’T WANT IT MADE OUT OF YOUR (OR ANYONE ELSE’S) PUBES.

Jon: Wait, are you finally admitting that my pubes are velvety?  It’s too late though.  I already started a velvet pube portrait for you.  Did you know his name is Lou Garou which is a play on loup garou, which is French for werewolf?

Sandy:  I did not know that, but I am impressed. Know what the German word for Werewolf is? It’s Werwolf. 

Bet you didn’t see that coming. 

Jon: Go figure.  What would you do if you woke up with a pentagram carved into your abdomen?

Sandy:  I would be far more concerned and surprised than Lou seemed to be, but I’m not living that life, so maybe it’s not that unusual a thing for him. What could someone carve into your abdomen that might make you giggle when you saw it? Asking for a friend.

Jon: Nothing!  There is nothing remotely funny about waking up with something carved into your abdomen or any other part of your body!  Does super hearing seem like an awful super power?

Sandy:  Yes. I’m already listening to a sound machine on full blast at night to block out the street noises and it is barely working. I’d lose my fugging mind if I could hear it all even more clearly. WANNA HELP ME FIND THE GUY THAT KICKED THAT DOG AND RIP HIS THROAT OUT WITH OUR BARE HANDS?

Jon: Sure, but I suspect Lou will have eaten him before we find him.  

Look! Another eating coroner.  Why?

Sandy:  It’s just a thing I guess. In every movie that ever has a coroner. Ever. Like, have you ever taken a snack back to your desk at work? That’s what that shit is.

Coroner: 

~Sees some crusted old dead toenails~

…. “I want Fritos.” 

 

Jon: But that’s not his desk.  He certainly has an office with a desk in it.  When someone says, “let’s keep this one quiet,” how quickly does it get out?

Sandy:  In general, or for this movie specifically? Immediately for both, in either case. IT’S SO MUCH MORE EXCITING WHEN NO ONE IS SUPPOSED TO KNOW, JON. Are cops allowed to wear buttons for specific political candidates on their work uniforms?

Jon: Probably not but if that’s the part of this movie you had to suspend belief for, you might need to get help.  How bad an idea is a drink and shoot?

Sandy:  It’s incredibly stupid but also seems somehow fitting. How classy is the chief’s attitude towards the candidate murder victim? Is it surprising that Lou is how he is about his behavior at work once you see the chief’s attitude at that murder scene?

Jon: I don’t know.  I wrote it off as some cross between jaded and gallows humor.  That dude has seen a lot of death.  Granted he probably caused much of it.   Have you ever been to a bar with a jar of eggs?  If so, did you eat one?  Would you?

Sandy:  I have been to a bar with a jar of eggs but I haven’t eaten one. And I would not eat one unless it was the apocalypse and that was all that was left. Even then, I might start severing and eating my own toes and chunks of my thighs before I went for one of those jar eggs. Do you like to put your platform stilettos on when you go to take the trash out?

Jon: Not as much as I like to wear them to mow the lawn.  How disappointing is it to get sick right as you’re about to get laid?

Sandy:  UUUGGGHJHHHHHHH. I feel like turning into a werewolf and raging just thinking about it. Is this the messiest werewolf transition you’ve ever witnessed in a movie?

Jon: I think the one in An American Werewolf in London is worse.  It’s gooier and slimier.  Wolf Cock?

Sandy:  Nahhh, I’m good. Was this also your first time witnessing a man transform into a werewolf dick-first?

Jon: I believe it is.  Should we all have a friend like Willie?

Sandy:  Yes and no. He seems rad right up until the end. Almost fooled me. Do you think Werewolf Lou fucked that dog?

Jon: You saw that wolfcock.  There’s no way he could have.  If wolfsbane tastes bad to you, does it mean you’re a werewolf or that it just tastes awful?

Sandy:  I’ve never tasted it, so I feel ill-equipped to answer this question properly. How good do you think that bathroom smells when the cops finally get in there to investigate?

Jon: Very good actually.  Little known fact- wolf piss is used to make incense because of the rich aroma and slow burn qualities. Does Tina deserve employee of the month if she doesn’t stop whatever Willie and Lou are doing?

Sandy:  I mean, she’s only one somewhat arguably reasonable person against two wild fucking morons, so it doesn’t seem fair to take away her streak for not stopping them. Who’s going to tell Lou there’s no yelling in the fucking library?

Jon: Not me.  I don’t want my face ripped off.  Did you expect the transformation scene to be so good?

Sandy:  It was surprisingly well done actually. Definitely the grossest fucking werewolf transformation I’ve ever seen. What the fuck is a “gitch”?

Jon: Gitch is apparently underwear in Manitoba, Alberta and Saskatchewan.  Some regional slang I guess.  If you were infected with werewolf-ism, wouldn’t you expect some sort of chemical to be released so it doesn’t hurt so much?

Sandy:  I mean, it would be courteous, but it does always seem uncomfortable for them. In all fairness, there’s no pain relief chemical released naturally for women giving birth either, and that occurs far more often than werewolfism. So he completely sheds his skin every time he changes? How does his skin come back? Does he shed his hair all over the house like a golden retriever losing their winter coat & a fresh coat of Lou skin is just there underneath again?

Jon: Yeah that’s how it works.  The bigger issue is how much he spends in hairball treatments each month.  “What the fuck are you?  The fuzz!” Top 3 line ever?

Sandy:  Are you asking if that one is in my top three, or what are my top 3? “I’d avoid those pork swords”, “I should do this sober” right before he downs a flask of booze, and “Hey Lou, why don’t you murder another person on your way back to the car?” Are my top 3. That one is good too though. Also “Cheers. Bitch.” Was that dude snorting red pixie stix sugar?

Jon: Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it.  Do you think werewolf piss really burns?

Sandy:  I think Lou doesn’t drink anywhere near as much water as he does liquor, and having your bladder be filled with alcohol can’t be good for peeing. Lots of face ripping and shedding in this movie… name 3 other movies with good face-ripping-off scenes.

Jon: I don’t have a list but anytime it happens I stand up and cheer.  “What the fuck are you sniffing?”

Sandy:  Glue.

Jon: How much do you think it hurts to have your face torn off?

Sandy:  Hmmm… I feel like you might be out of it enough to not remember the pain if you survive, but I’m guessing it’s reasonably uncomfortable. Let’s try an experiment! We’ll have to use your face though, mine was too expensive. Would you punch a werewolf? 

Jon: Only if he wanted me too.  I like my face attached to my head.  Is a werewolf using a gun to kill bad guys kind of cheating? 

Sandy:  It is! Or at the very least, it’s super wasteful. Why the fuck are so many people trying to fight werewolf Lou, despite watching him tear apart person after person??

Jon: At that point you have to try.  It didn’t look like Lou would have spared anyone.  Will no one question the missing door on the car?

Sandy:  Apparently not. Taking the doors off the cruiser is like cutting the sleeves off of a button down shirt. Hella classy. 

Jon: And really bad ass!  Do you think werewolves have Little Red Riding Hood fetishes?

Sandy:  Oh, definitely. How do you make out with a werewolf? Which scene is more gross, the zombie make out in Shed of the Dead, or the werewolf make out in this movie?

Jon: You don’t make out with werewolves.  That’s how your face gets ripped off by accident in a fit of lupine passion.  And the zombies making out was much grosser.  Do sunglasses protect your eyes from an eclipse?  

Sandy:  You don’t need sunglasses to stare directly into an eclipse! Just ask the bloated orange moron. “It was a big fuckin’ Wolf cop.” In your top 3 lines?

Jon: That one.  The fuzz line and the pork swords probably.  Liquor Donuts?

Sandy:  Yes. I’d want a vanilla and rum flavored donut. Actually, I kind of wish I had one now. Maybe I’ll get a donut tomorrow and dip it into my Irish cream liquor and let you know how it tasted when I finish puking.  

Jon: OHHHHH more truck nuts???

Sandy:  Hahahaha, I want nuts for my car. How long do you think it would take for Alison to notice car balls on her car if we snuck them on there? I smell another experiment!

Jon: As long as we didn’t hint at anything, it might be weeks before she noticed.  Are they ambitious?

Sandy:  Who? The Shapeshifters or Tina and Lou?

Jon: Really all of them but specifically the Shapeshifters.  All that power and all they want to do is take over this podunk, western Canadian dump of a town.  Seems like with all that power they’d be able to do more.  Do you think Tina understands?

Sandy:  I don’t. Would you taunt a werewolf?

Jon: Again, I like my face attached to my head.  It ain’t much to look at but it’s the only one I have.  OHHHHH Lizard people?

Sandy:  Must be part of the Illuminati. Did you catch “a hairy menace with a badge and a gun” in the end credits song?

Jon: Sure did.  Can’t wait until we watch the sequel!

 

Lessons

Make a friend like Tina. 

Don’t fuck with werewolves.

Happy National Kindergarten Day!

 April 21st is National Kindergarten Day.  I don’t know why Kindergarten Day is in April as the school year is winding down.  I also don’t know the excitement a parent could feel when their child isn’t in the house all day.  I do know that if your child’s day goes anything like the kids’ in Cooties, you’re going to need tissues, bandaids and a whole lot of money for therapy.  When a horribly defective chicken nugget supply makes it into the school lunch program, every pre-pubescent child is transformed into man-eating zombies.  Can the teachers and the few uninfected children survive a school day?  Probably not but watch Cooties and read the blog to find out.

Questions

Jon:How many times did you have cooties as a child?  Don’t lie.  All girls had them at least once.

Sandy: Not me, I had my Cooties shot early on. He’s just going to kill that chicken in front of all of its friends and family and then carry its corpse through their chicken house like a fucking dick serial killer?

Jon:  I said don’t lie.  I know you had cooties at least twice.  As for killing chickens in front of other chickens, you have to.  It keeps the other chickens in line.  Why isn’t there a cure for cooties?

Sandy: It’s a virus, Jon. You have to get the vaccine to help your body fight it off. Duh. One of the most disgusting opening sequences of all the movies we’ve watched so far??

Jon: No worse than anything that happened in Brain Damage.  How bad were your schools’ lunches?

Sandy: Probably not great, but never lobster guts shit green goo bad. How fucking adorable is Elijah Wood with his planet sized eyeballs and his adorable goddamn horror loving childlike wonder face? I want to pinch his cheeks and give him a severed finger lollipop.

Jon: I only see hairy-footed hobbit.  I think it’s the only thing I will ever see when I see Elijah Wood.  Full day or half day kindergarten?

Sandy: Full day for me. I was one of the “strong men” for the student circus we did. Possibly also a Lion? Do you remember any fun little shows your class put on in kindergarten and what your part was in said show???

Jon: I don’t remember for certain but knowing my advanced level of social awkwardness and painful shyness I was probably nose-picking 3rd tree from the left.  Is a chicken nugget spoiled when green shit oozes out of it?

Sandy: I puked in my own mouth just thinking about it now. The only time a goo that color and consistency is acceptable inside of food is, as I mentioned earlier, deep inside the guts of a lobster. Even then it grosses me out, and it’s natural. What’s the most disgusting food you ever ate in school? One time or multiple times if it was a repeat lunch menu item?

Jon: Again I don’t remember specifically but I have a bonus school lunch lesson.  Don’t eat any “ethnic” food school lunches.  That’s a diarrhea factory waiting to be ingested.  Also, taco Tuesday isn’t a bad day to go home early.  Your nose will thank you.  Should you have family members review your manuscript?

Sandy: No way. They have all sorts of preconceived ideas about who you are and saw your naked poopy ass as a baby. Also though, probably don’t try to have your students review your manuscript either. How cute was his mom trying to be supportive though? And then devolving into shredding it to bits, and then trying to be supportive again? Does Alison do that to you or does she just tell you when you do something that she thinks sucks?

Jon: Alison doesn’t really say much.  She just sort of shakes her head, sighs and fixes it.  Ever have to go to summer school?

Sandy: Nope. I did get put into pre-first though. That’s in between kindergarten and first grade. They had a year with 5 year old me and were like “this bitch is crazy, she needs another year to cook in social settings before we move her on to the more important stuff. Did you ever have to go to summer school? If so, tell us a story about it!!

Jon: Almost.  Senior year I was in jeopardy of having to go to summer school because of gym.  They were on a deficient learning time kick meaning if you weren’t in class and participating you didn’t get credit and if it reached like 10 days in a quarter you failed unless you came to school early and walked the track to make it up.  Between skipping school and not changing, I racked up way more than 10 and for a good chunk of June of my senior year I was walking the track at 7AM.  Is a guy with a rooster and/or nuts on the back of his truck an asshole? 

Sandy: Hahaha, yes for sure if it’s not ironic and maybe also if it is, but I’d still find it wildly entertaining to observe him for a bit, like a National Geographic documentary. The boat was evil, but was it an acceptable level of evil? I feel like a lot of my “questions” are actually going to just be lines from the movie because this shit was pure GOLD with quotable lines.

Jon: There were a lot of good lines.  What if it were a woman?

Sandy: If it’s a woman she’s either ironically hilarious or even more terrifying potentially than the man. What if it’s a kid on their tricycle?

Jon: One of my favorites- push him off the tricycle and steal it.  Do you think anyone respects this assistant principal?

Sandy: While the principal is away, he is the ACTING PRINCIPAL Jon, let’s be accurate about this. And no. If my butthole had a butthole, that’s what you would look like. What’s your favorite line from this movie? That’s not my number one favorite, but it’s pretty excellent.

Jon: “Naptime motherfuckers.”  Is he really talking about his tennis partner’s balls? 

Sandy: That dude ALWAYS plays someone who is vaguely gay. Like, he definitely seems like a gay man every time but then is either trying to hide it or is awkwardly dating a woman. Don’t ask me to explain further. It’s impossible to do without sounding even more like an asshole. How about Doug though? So delightfully awkward. And I want that organ vest that he’s wearing. Maybe I’ll make one for Halloween this year!!!!!!!

Jon: Doug is way creepier than the zombie kids.  Does Wade look like the kind of guy who has a nut hanging out of the bottom of his shorts?

Sandy: Hahaha, YES. Can you say “dual rear wheel” three times fast? It’s legitimately difficult.

Jon: Shit I have a hard time saying it once slowly.  How quickly would you have dropped out of elementary school if these had been your teachers?

Sandy: I don’t think the choice would have been left up to me, but I would have suggested it to my parents as soon as I learned how to read and make observations about my surroundings. Clint had supposedly already been teaching back in NY, but somehow wasn’t hyper aware of how writing his name out in all caps on the board might look like “CUNT”???

Jon: It’s not just the caps but also his lack of proper letter spacing.  CLINT!  What kind of douche names their kid Patriot?

Sandy: I’ll give you three guesses who they would have voted for in 2020. I’ve never wanted to murder a child more than that useless prick. When he got attacked, did you scream “HAHAHAHAHA FUCK YOU PATRIOT” like I did while sitting in my living room alone watching this?

Jon: I did but I also did it every time someone got killed.  Is Wade the worst teacher ever?

Sandy: He didn’t fuck any of the kids, so probably not the WORST one, but certainly not in the top 100 best either. Would you see kids tearing the literal guts out of a fellow teacher and try to brush them away or would you scream for help and get a fucking bat to smash their gross little heads in? 

Jon: Depends on which teacher and which student.  I might help the zombie kid.  Do you think there is symbolism in the assistant principal being torn apart in the center of a map of the US?

Sandy: Huh, I didn’t even notice that, but I’m sure there’s something bigger there. I was too busy laughing hysterically about him saying he had bursitis as if that would stop the tiny zombie horde. What did it mean to you? Let’s get political, Jon! 

Jon: I think it represents the conflicted voting tendencies of middle America.  So drawn to social issues that really have no impact on them while voting against politicians who have their best interests in mind.  Or it was just a cool visual.  Doesn’t it seem like they can eat the teachers?

Sandy: Seems like they’re muthafukkin doin’ it to me! I’m on this medication… I might be seeing some of your students possibly eating Mr Peterson…. How fucking great was that mushrooms dude?

Jon: That dude is always one of the best parts of everything he’s in.  Especially Lost.  If this is what cooties actually did, would we have a cure yet?

Sandy: Yeah, it’s called birth control. You get a vasectomy and YOU get a vasectomy and YOUUUU get a vasectomy! How about Doug and his casual “oh look, carnage” as everyone was just chillin in the teacher’s lounge?

Jon: Or you get your tubes tied!  And you get your tubes tied!  Doug has seen some shit.  Is the hobbit joke a nice touch?

Sandy: I did enjoy it, but was it too easy? I still liked it. How fucking great was Wade body checking and clotheslining kids as he made a run for the school?!

Jon: That’s what I do at lunch time and dismissal.  Is going for their cell phones really a bad idea?

Sandy: Was that before or after the rooftop scene? Because the worst idea was NOT CLOSING THE FUCKING DOORS when they ran back into the school. I hate that shit in movies, drives me fucking crazy. The cop?! Hahahaha, this movie is filled with so many great scenes and a pretty impressively star studded cast, in my opinion. Who was your favorite character, if you had one?

Jon: I was partial to the slimeball that was Wade.  How oblivious is that mom?

Sandy: Probably as oblivious as most real life moms like that. Have I mentioned how extraordinarily happy I am to not have kids? Like actual pure delight?

Jon: No but I know the feeling.  Is this the best time for Wade to be jealous?

Sandy: It’s not unfounded, but he should definitely curb that shit and address it later when everyone is safe and can relax. “You know how I beat the terrorists after 911? With a positive attitude.” Fucking GOLD.

Jon: How uncomfortable is the creepy teacher asking about your period?

Sandy: It would be way worse if he hadn’t been gay, but it’s still reasonably mortifying. Would you have joined Wade’s symphony of death?

Jon: I would follow Wade to the end of the world.  Is menses the grossest way to refer to a period?

Sandy: Oh, I’m sure we can come up with some grosser ways to reference periods. How about “strawberry jam clam” or “meat cleavered beaver” or “mashed cherry pie surprise”. Okay, let’s hear some of yours please and thank you.

Jon: No. I think anything with menses is worse.  Meaty Menses,  Milky Menses.  Milky Meaty Menses.  Strawberry jam menses.  You see where this is going.  Is anything that kid says really any form of protection?

Sandy: It’s the symbolism of it, Jon. This is what she has to give him, it’s a protective energy. But no, it will not block teeth. I want to wear Elijah Wood as a backpack. Or at least have a backpack that looks like Elijah Wood like those little Yoda or Gizmo backpacks! Would you wear Elijah Wood as a backpack?

Jon: No thanks.  I don’t want to feel his little Hobbit dick on my back.  How awful would it be to be chased through an air duct by a zombie child?  How long could you survive?

Sandy:  It would be terrifying and I would die immediately because that kind of life is not for fatties. “Follow me, I do CrossFit”… would you follow him? Also… who the fuck was that lady that got locked in the cabinet with Patriot or whatever kid that was earlier in the movie?

Jon: Ray Bradbury?  I don’t remember actually.  Would you sacrifice Tracy?  How soon after this started?

Sandy: I’d probably want to protect Tracy like a little baby bird. Minus the chewing food and spitting it into his mouth though. How medically official was Doug’s method for extracting and examining the brain of that kid?! Do you think he actually had any real medical training?

Jon: Clearly Doug had many years of med school.  That’s exactly how you remove a brain.  Is that really the right time for a confession?

Sandy: No, the men in this movie are not very efficient. Not that the women are either though. How about that playground horror scene montage?? I love how creative they got with using body parts and whatnot for various games and equipment.

Jon: It’s a cornucopia of gore.  A vat of vile.  How fucked up are the teachers’ things they wished they’d done?

Sandy: I don’t remember the specifics of what they were saying, but I do remember thinking some of it was pretty fucking bizarre and ridiculous. Would the vending machines still work if the lights went out in a school?

Jon: A vending machine will always take your money but without power your snack will always get stuck before it falls.  Can you imagine anything besides Lucy that Wade and Clint would agree upon?

Sandy: Maybe how satisfying it is to make a good poop?

Jon: Not even.  I bet Wade has a hard time pooping. Hey Danielle Steele?

Sandy: Can’t remember this reference, please explainnnn.

Jon: It was one of Wade’s jabs at Clint.  When Wade says take care of her do you think he means Lucy or the truck?

Sandy: He definitely means the truck. It’s got DUAL REAR WHEELS, JON! What do you think the name of his truck was?

Jon: Precious.  Would you live in a town called Fort Chicken?

Sandy: Only against my will. Actually, it’s a pretty funny name so I might. But if the main point of the town was breeding and killing chickens, no thank you. What’s the weirdest-named town you’ve ever been to?

Jon: Not sure about a weird one but Lackawanna, PA is the one that I relate to most.  How annoying is a person who corrects your usage of “epidemic” when it should be “pandemic?”

Sandy: It depends on the scenario I think, but while I'm in the midst of chaos, it’s very annoying. Mild anal leakage. Do you remember when they came out with Wow chips and the warning on the back of the bag was “May cause anal leakage”?

Jon: I really should have read that warning label before the wedding.  Maybe pay some attention?

Sandy: Does anyone do that though? Like ever? Anywhere? I definitely think more attention needs to be paid in this movie but also out in the real world in general. How about the makeup on that kid that flew off the roof??? That jaw???!!!

Jon: Stellar.  Could they have stumbled into a worse building?

Sandy: That was a place I’d love to go to if there were no children in it, but yeah that was a fucking horror show. Have you ever been to Bounce or any of the other trampoline places? Did you know how fucking difficult it is to jump on a trampoline?!?!

Jon: You know I would break my neck on a trampoline.  Does Wade have a weird hero fetish?

Sandy: Is it a fetish or a complex? Can it be both? I feel like he desperately wants to be a hero, but I don’t know if it’s to prove himself or because he wants to be idolized. Probably the latter. How much did you love this fucking movie? Because I actually thought it was pretty damn good.

Jon: I really enjoyed it but I thought it was a different movie.  I had it confused with the similar Little Monsters.

 

Lessons

Skip the school lunch.

Don’t fight over a woman during the apocalypse.

Fucking pay attention during a zombie apocalypse.