Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas. Every year we gather with family and friends to celebrate the holiday by giving extravagant gifts most of us can’t afford, drinking eggnog which most of you don’t really like, listen to hideously treacly pop songs, murder trees and, to borrow from Deathklok, decorate their corpses and put enough lights on our houses to be seen from space and rack up an electric bill that would rival the GNP of Japan. One tradition I do love is watching as many Christmas themed horror movies as possible. Every year there are new ones and I also have to fit in the classics. The subject of this blog though is one of the newer classics… 2010’s Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale. So grab a Christmas ale, a candy cane and the heads of some gingerbread men and enjoy.

The Movie
Rare Exports opens on Korvatunturi, a mountain in Finland near the Russian border said to be home to Santa Claus, where the SubZero Company has drilled into the mountain. Deep in this mountain they have struck a layer which excites the owner of the company. The layer? Saw dust. Not only does he want the drill team to go deeper, he also distributes a new set of safety instructions which include no cursing and no smoking. It turns out the mining company may be grave robbers. Two young local kids. Pietari and Juosso, have snuck onto the drilling site by cutting a whole in a fence and are watching the proceedings. Pietari thinks Santa is buried in the mountain but Juosso thinks he’s just a baby but Pietari goes home and reads up on Santa lore just in case. What he finds is not the kindly, benevolent, gift-giving fat guy we know but an evil child killing monster. He is not Krampus but he is surely not Saint Nick either. In the morning, Pietari’s father, Rauno, yells for him to wake up after he has finished digging a trap in the yard. Rauno then goes into his slaughterhouse to butcher a pig while his son runs around outside in the middle of a Fnnish winter in his underwear and pisses in the yard. Rauno is more concerned with his son seeing the dead pig than with him getting pneumonia.

The pair then dress and head out for the big, local reindeer roundup. Piiparinen has built an electrified pen to herd the reindeer into but only two small reindeer show up. Concerned the trio, joined by Juosso and his father Aimo, head out to find the reindeer and discover them slaughtered right outside the SubZero fence. The reindeer were the primary income source for the village and Aimo, the apparent math wizard, determines they have lost a lot of money and they all face financial ruin. Pietari is particularly worried. He thinks he and Juosso may have unleashed the reindeer killer by cutting through the fence and that the killer is Santa. The group goes inside the fence to find the site abandoned. SubZero has moved their headquarters but the new safety protocols seem to be ineffective.

Christmas morning arrives and the town is thrown into weirdness. Pietari again goes outside in his underwear to pee and notice the trap has been sprung, Rauno goes to investigate and finds a man in the trap. He ushers Pietari back inside and Piiparinen comes over to help him move the body into the slaughterhouse. The old man is not wearing many clothes and has an American passport which says he is much younger than he appears to be. He is also not dead. Elsewhere in the town, radiators have been stolen and someone has stolen all of Aimo’s potato sacks- not the potatoes just the sacks. Also Juosso has been replaced by a creepy straw doll but the sheriff thinks he’s just out chasing girls. Pietari does some investigating for himself and finds all his friends are missing and implores Rauno to whip him for his sins so Santa doesn’t take him. Things only get weirder from there but to tell anymore would spoil the fun. Who is the naked not dead guy? What did SubZero think they were digging up? Why is the old guy obsessed with Pietari? Is Piiparinen the Finnish Corey Hart? Does anyone in Finland wear pants?

Why Did I Choose This Movie
Rare Exports was the choice over 11 other Christmas movies this year because it’s just a really good, fun movie. It’s a different take on the holiday with moments of humor, horror and what the fuck did I just see. The Christmas horror genre grows every year. Many of these do not hold up over time but Rare Exports will. Don’t believe me? It’s on Amazon Prime. Go watch it. If you are horror averse, it’s not overly scary nor is it very gory. The one warning I will give is if you are uncomfortable seeing old man dicks, you will be very uncomfortable with Rare Exports. There’s a lot of old man dick like an inordinate, fetishistic amount of old man dick.

Lessons

• Grave robbing is bad and dangerous. No matter what safety precautions you put in place, something will always go wrong. The grave you’re robbing will contain something more than the cheap trinkets you'll steal. Also, it’s a pretty sleazy thing to do and you probably have no morals.
• Taping the last day of your advent calendar closed will not stop Christmas from coming. Time does not go by a calendar. Days will pass regardless of whether you follow one or not so eat the chocolate and prepare for Santa.
• Don’t put bear traps in the chimney. It is a very dangerous practice. Someone might lose a hand trying to start a fire. Also, I’m betting it isn’t good for the chimney itself. I’m no chimney expert but the chimney sweep is coming in a couple weeks so I'll ask him. I’m sure he gets the question all the time so I’m sure it won’t be weird or lead to him refusing to clean my chimney.
• Finland is a badass place filled with badass people. They can take down anything. Soviets in World War II- yep. Crazed Santas- Sure. Not only can they take them down, they can monetize them. They don’t need pants outside in the middle of winter. Hell even their Santa is a badass with fifteen foot horns. Don’t fuck with Finland.

A Warm National Microwave Oven Day

December 6th is National Microwave Oven Day, a day to celebrate that most essential kitchen appliance. Where would we be without it? No popcorn in 3 minutes? No tasty cardboard box diet dinners? Would life be worth living without a microwave in your kitchen? Well, yes it probably would be but the inconvenience would be… well fairly tolerable. But it’s a national day and I have an amazing movie to tell you about with an unbelievable star. To celebrate National Microwave Oven Day I watched Microwave Massacre starring Jackie Vernon, the voice of one of our Christmas favorites… Frosty the Snowman.

The Movie
Jackie Vernon is Donald, a poor downtrodden construction worker, forced to subsist on a diet of exotic, healthy, microwaved meals prepared by his not so loving wife, May. While his buddies at the site eat traditional lunches like bologna and cheese, which is all Donald craves, poor Donald has a crab sandwich which might not be too bad if May had taken it out of its shell first. Donald cannot even enjoy the beautiful, barely dressed woman who frequents the job site. Meanwhile, May is at home reveling in the amazing new Q-sine her gigantic wall-sized 1980s microwave has exposed her to and cannot imagine why Donald could possibly be dissatisfied. After their shift, Donald and his buddies Roosevelt(Rosie) and Philip go to the strip club and while the guys enjoy traditional strip club activities, Donald merely sits at the bar drinking and complaining to the bartender who only wants to tell Donald about his hemorrhoids. When Donald gets home we see just how bad his marriage is as they argue and Donald stands on her freshly vacuumed sofa and fantasizes about killing May. ON this night, the budding gourmand May sets dinner on fire and tries to seduce Donald for the first time since 1962 but Donald wants none of the “walking contraceptive” he married.

After work the next day, Donald returns home and the blissful marital situation continues to spiral. All Donald wants for dinner is a bologna sandwich in the garage but May has slaved over the microwave all day. The ensuing fight is particularly bad. Donald dumps the vacuum bag all over the couch, trashes the pretentious decorations and pisses in the flower pot. May, being very observant, realizes something is bothering him but it’s too late and he turns his fantasies into reality. Donald goes to bed, drunk and wakes in the morning not even able to remember what he had done until he finds May in the microwave. His response is classic Donald… he sets her to slow broil and happily heads to work able to eat anything he wants. He stuffs May into the freezer and goes about his business until one night, he wakes hungry and grabs something from said freezer and finds it to be the most delicious thing he’s ever eaten but it’s May. Donald undertakes an all new diet like some cannibalistic Atkins fad diet adherent. Hand kabobs? Donald is down and, unknowingly, so are Rosie and Philip. Donald has a tremendous appetite for his new food and picks up a hooker but with no super crack, he must do things the old fashioned way. Donald’s appetite grows and grows. Can he be stopped? Do you really want him to be? Will anything quench his appetite? What condiments go best with a human calf? Are fingers finger food? Watch Microwave Massacre for the exciting answers to these and many other pressing questions.

Why Did I Pick This Movie
Microwave Massacre is an easy choice to celebrate this day because it’s about a guy who microwaves people and eats them. Also Jackie Vernon gives the movie a curious Christmas connection. The movie is also funny as hell. The one liners will have you laughing and even the most gore averse will not be overwhelmed. Or watch Gremlins. That microwave scene is great too.

Lessons

• Pull the shades down if you plan to engage in crazy, crossdressing threesomes unless you’re into that too. 
• A microwave is just a deranged toaster. The toaster was a much saner invention. No weird technology just put the food in, turn it on and wait 2 hours for it to heat or burn. A microwave though? Don’t stick a fork in it. Don’t expect your food to have any moisture left. And be ready to burn your mouth on the first bite and have cold food by the fourth.
• Don’t piss in the living room flower pot. It’s a sure sign your marriage is in trouble. It will also stink up the room. Use the bushes outside like a normal guy.
• Don’t fuck with Frosty and make sure you feed him good food. No crazy, experimental gourmet cuisine for this snowman. No, Frosty want bologna and cheese. Maybe some ribs and a beer. Frosty doesn’t even care much about sex just good wholesome food.
• Anybody can make a mistake. Donald made mistakes but he overcame them to live a deliciously fruitful life. The key is overcoming your mistakes like Donald and right now the biggest mistake you could make is to not watch Microwave Massacre. Don’t make that one.

Happy Black Friday?

It’s back!! The most horrifying horror blog in the world returns today after an extended mental break, Thanksgiving weekend has brought it back. Thanksgiving, though, is not the day I’m celebrating. Sure there are plenty of great horror movies set on Thanksgiving like Blood Rage and Thankskilling 1 and 3(there isn’t a 2, watch 3 and it might make sense). There’s even a bunch of monster movies I could have watched. When I was a kid, one of the local stations ran King Kong and Mighty Joe Young on Thanksgiving so I always watch something with giant monsters on the holiday.

No the day I chose to celebrate in the blog is… BLACK FRIDAY!!! The day after being thankful for what we have, Americans cram themselves into retail stores and beat each other up for a deal on a shitty television that you don’t even need while the 30 pounds of turkey you stuffed into your face the day before causes you to let loose some noxious tryptophan farts. In fact, we are no longer able to wait until Friday. We have become so desperate for $100 laptops that we will ditch our families and go wait on line at WalMart. It’s so crazy we’ve even extended it to Saturday and Monday but I digress. Let’s celebrate Black Friday and our insane consumerist blood lust with the classic… Chopping Mall.

The Movie
Chopping Mall opens with Dr. Stan Simon introducing a group of skeptical mall store owners to their new security force- robots that look like Johnny 5 from Short Circuit if he hung out at the Mobil all you can eat buffet. The robots, called Protectors, are cutting edge security controlled by technicians and a high tech box on the roof of the mall. The demonstration is very impressive though a couple sarcastic pricks talk through the whole thing. The robots ill recognize mall employees by their ID badges and will not kill them, making the Park Plaza Mall the safest in the nation- as long as lightning doesn’t strike the control box on the highest point of the mall.

Alison and Suzie are waitresses at the high class mall eatery. Suzie is very excited for the after hours, mall party her boyfriend Greg and his pals Mike and Ferdy are planning to throw in the furniture store. Mike is bringing his girlfriend Leslie. Mike is not a tender lover nor is he particularly subtle about it. He is caught pawing Leslie in her father’s store but daddy seems to barely notice. Ferdy and Suzie are going to meet for the first time, a blind date at a mall party- how romantic. Rick and Linda, newlyweds, are also coming to the mall furniture store party. Apparently, mall parties are very exciting for 1980s twentysomethings. The party quickly devolves into a sex club with everyone bumping uglies except Ferdy and Suzie who are sitting on the couch watching horror movies. Did I mention how much I like these two? Of course, lightning strikes the control panel and the laser shooting, non-ID recognizing fat Protectors are no longer controllable and go on a killing spree. Our heroic twentysomething, mall partiers are left to stop them, an effort that includes breaking into Peckinpah”s Sporting Goods for guns none of them can shoot and crawling around in air ducts. Can the twentysomethings survive a night trapped with the Protectors? Why would you arm mall security guard robots with lasers? Why are adults having a party in a mall furniture store?

Why I Chose This Movie
There are dozens of horror movies set in malls and stores some of which I like even more than Chopping Mall. The original Dawn of the Dead is right at the top of that list but most of you know that movie. Instead, I wanted to highlight something a little less well known and Chopping Mall fits. The movie is so 1980s, hairstyles, fashion, attitudes and that makes it amazing.

Lessons

• Do not replace people with robots especially mall security guards. If they malfunction, the robots will kill everyone. Malfunctioning human security guards will just harass teenagers and maybe fall off their Segways.
• Do not have parties at the mall. Get a hotel room, a friend’s house or a campground like normal people. Being drunk at a mall is no fun trust me. The lighting sucks and the people are annoying. Also it’s a little weird if you have sex on the display furniture and beds. The only exception is if it’s a little kid party and you want to.. No even that is not right.
• Do not be a fucking savage at the mall. If you drop garbage, pick it up. Mall custodians should not have to clean up the crap your lazy ass dropped. Bend at the knees and pick it up. Seriously, people who leave their messes behind piss me off.
• Do not smoke. Smoking will kill you and the people around you. Not just secondhand smoke either but they’ll get killed by laser-shooting, fat mall security guard robots when they go to buy you a pack.

Night of the Living Dead

The world changed 50 years ago- October 1, 1968. On that date, Night of the Living Dead was unleashed on an unsuspecting public launching a new American nightmare- the zombie, even though George Romero called them ghouls in their first appearance. Sure there were voodoo zombie movies before but Night of the Living Dead redefined the monster as undead and cannibalistic. In honor of the 50th anniversary and to kick off the October horror madness, I watched the classic.

The Movie
If you’re reading this blog, you probably know the story. Siblings Johnny and Barbra have driven three hours to lay a wreath on the grave of their father. This is an annual tradition, apparently forced upon Johnny by their mother, that he absolutely loathes. In fact, most of his time is spent complaining about the task. The drive is too long. He doesn't even remember what he looks like. Why doesn’t mom drive out herself? Do the cemetery workers steal the wreaths, clean them and resell them? Johnny does find one thing to amuse himself- Barbra is still as afraid of the cemetery as she was as a child. When he see a man staggering toward them, Johnny takes the opportunity to exploit this fear telling Barbra “They’re coming to get you Barbra.” If you’ve seen the movie, you can hear his voice saying it. Turns out, the joke is all to real and the man attacks Barbra. Johnny jumps in to rescue her but in the scuffle, his head hits a tombstone and Johnny is dead, for now. Barbra runs to the car but realizes that Johnny has the keys. As the man is about to get into the car, she pulls the brake and the car rolls down the hill- straight into a tree. Barbra flees on foot now and finds an isolated farmhouse.

Soon Barbra is joined in the house by Ben who has barely escaped his own encounter with the ghouls. The creatures are never once referred to as zombies and the origin is never clearly stated. Ben quickly takes charge while a traumatized Barbra struggles to cope with the tragedy. Ben kills some ghouls and boards the house. Ben get Barbra to calm down a little as they exchange stories but soon she is hysterical again and hits Ben. Ben hits her back. He may be a hero but he is flawed. Ben also finds a radio and the news is bad. This is not an isolated incident and people are eating other people. As Ben finishes boarding the house, people emerge from the basement- the Coopers, Harry, Helen and their sick daughter Karen and Tom and Judy. Harry Cooper is a colossal douchebag and he and Ben soon butt heads over the best way for them to stay safe. Harry prefers staying in the basement but Ben sees the that as a last resort because there would be no escape. The outlook is bleak as the house is now surrounded by ghouls. Can the group come together to survive? FUCK just watch it if you haven’t already and if you have watch it again.

How It Fits I With the Day/ Why Did I Choose This Movie
IT”S THE 50th ANNIVERSARY!!! Night of the Living Dead is one of the greatest horror films ever made. NO DOUBT. NO QUESTION! You can watch it just for the scares and the horror. It’s plenty gory. But Night of the Living Dead is so much more. Ben is among the first African American heroes in horror at the height of the Civil Rights Movement. George Romero said many times he cast the best actor and was not making a political, racial statement but the movie made it powerfully clear that an African American could be a hero. There are just so many levels on which this is a significant movie. And I love George Romero. And I bonded with my wife before we ever met over Romero and zombies.

Lessons

• If your loved one gets bit/ killed by a ghoul you have to burn them. It may seem harsh. It may be sad but if they bite you, you’ll wish you had.
• Do not shoot gas pumps or use gas near open flames even if ghouls are afraid of fire. You need to control the flames. Otherwise you’re human barbecue.
• Sometimes locking yourself in the basement ALONE is a good idea. Not just in case of zombies but anytime the world is too crazy. As long as there’s no mold but that’s a different movie.
• If you find someone who loves Romero like you do, marry them. Shared love of zombies is vital to a successful horror marriage. And really Romero is a God and if she doesn’t like him, keep searching.

Double Farm Weeks!!!

Happy National Farm Animals Awareness Week! Oh, wait and Happy National Farm and Ranch Safety and Health Awareness Week! Seems as though they should have spread these weeks out a little so as to maximize the celebration of farming. How do you celebrate these weeks anyway? Buy the pigs some new slop and fix that broken piece of fence around their sty? If only there was a movie that could honor both of these occasions. Of course there is and that movie is Black Sheep! No not the Chris Farley/ David Spade sort of sequel to Tommy Boy. That’s not a true horror movie but New Zealand’s Black Sheep? That’s horror. So to celebrate, I watched a movie with farm animals run amuck and so should you.

The Movie

Angus and Henry Oldfield grew up on one of the largest sheep farms in all of New Zealand but Angus is something of an asshole. He kills Henry’s sheep, Dudley, and as if that was not enough, torments him by wearing the skin and scaring him. As if this is not traumatic enough, Angus only stops when they are given the news that their father has died. Fast forward many years and a still shaken Henry is returning to the farm to sell his share to Angus. Needless to say, Henry has tremendous, sheep related anxiety that borders on phobia. In the years since, Angus has grown into an especially charming human being who may or may not be banging his herd. Angus is attempting to elevate the family name into the upper echelons of sheep herding by introducing a new, genetically modified sheep- the Oldfield. While the brothers enjoy a tense reunion, two eco/social justice warriors sneak onto the farm to expose the genetic laboratory on the farm. Grant and Experience sneak into the lab and Grant steals a sheep fetus in a jar. They are seen and flee with Oldfield scientist in hot pursuit. Grant is an idiot and he trips and breaks the jar. Not only has he lost his evidence of the genetic crimes of the Oldfield lab but it turns out the sheep fetus is not dead. The fetus latches onto Grant’s ear in a most Mike Tyson-esque fashion and crawls its way towards the main herd, spreading its odd genetic traits by biting other sheep.

Despite Henry’s phobia, he has agreed to spend a little time with farmhand Tucker. Their drive through the property is disrupted by a sheep in the road. Tucker gets out to try to move it while Henry panics and calls his therapist when they are waylaid by Experience who apparently has none with a rifle. She doesn’t know how to take the safety off and gives Tucker the gun so he can show her. Tucker is smart enough to keep the rifle. As Experience lectures them on the evil of the farm and the world, the trio notice smoke on the horizon and rush to the scene. Turns out Mike left has left the stove on and does not appear to be anywhere. They search the house and find bad feng shui, dead Mike and a really pissed off sheep- like head rammed through a door pissed. Tucker shoots it and they run for the truck only to find it surrounded by sheep and Henry freezes. Experience helps Henry ground himself by telling him he’s a tree and other new agey crap about chakras and branches which seems to work and they get to the truck but there’s already an sheep in the cab with Tucker but they speed off anyway. From here things devolve into mammoth woolly mayhem. Will Angus continue to be a baaastard? Can his genetically modified sheep shear the competition? Why does Tucker have a sheep foot? Will Grant be able to hold to his vegetarian principles? Can Experience pay off to save Henry and his new love? Watch Black Sheep and find out!


How It Fits I With the Day/ Why Did I Choose This Movie
With all the farm-based horror to choose from, why Black Sheep? Black Sheep is animal mayhem at its finest. It balances a sense of humor with the gore and scares that any good animal attack movie needs. Cheesy? Sure but also so much fun and it advances the cause of farm animal awareness and farm safety like no other movie could.

Lessons

• Do not sneak onto farms and steal genetic material even if it is for the most noble causes. Forget the criminal aspect. That’s likely the least of your worries. You never know the kind of humanity destroying shit you’ll unleash.
• Always make sure your weapons and tools are ready to use. Take the safety off the rifle, turn the chainsaw on and prime it. The seconds you waste doing it in a sheep crisis could be the difference between life and becoming a human sweater.
• Do not let sheep drive. They can’t. Even if they have been infected by a genetically modified sheep fetus. They did not slip driving ability into the genetic code.
• Pearl Jam album art is an accurate depiction of a sheep apocalypse. Get your copy of Vs. and watch Black Sheep. It will become very clear.
• Do not let crazy scientists conduct genetic experiments. I’m not sure how to feel about the whole GMO thing but if the scientists doing the experimentation are absolutely, sheep shit crazy, they should not be involved.

National Video Games Day

September 12th is National Video Games Day a day to celebrate sitting on your ass, eating snacks and mashing buttons on a game controller for hours and hours. I’m not much of a button mashing kind of guy but the rest of it sounds spectacular so I needed to celebrate the day with a movie. There is definitely no shortage of horror movies based on games. Hell there’s like a thousand Resident Evil movies. There’s even a bunch where games are a major plot point but none of those are Brainscan. And none of them have a villain like the Trickster.

The Movie
Brainscan is the story of Michael a teen obsessed with horror (weren’t we all?), video games, and his next door neighbor Kimberly. We know this very quickly because stares longingly at her from his window as she changes in her room. He also takes pictures of her- not ones she knows he’s taking. Michael is also very tech savvy and has a whole early 90s video call system and a computer that dials for him. When his best friend Kyle reads him a review of a new game called… Brainscan, Michael has to have it. He calls to order it since it will satisfy his sickest desires. The game interacts with his subconscious and he’s all in. The next day at school, Michael shows his horror movie club a particularly gross film called Death Death Death Part 2 which causes the principal to ban the club. Michael is mad but things get better when he gets home to find his Brainscan CD Rom in the mail. Oh and there’s also been a murder in his neighborhood and he meets Detective Hayden played by Frank Langella in an award worthy performance in which he shows off a wide range of emotions… well not so wide a range, really just kind of pissed.

Michael loads the game and the instructions are intense. He is ordered to hide clues and act as though he is a murderer. Michael hesitates but not for long and soon he is in a stranger’s room, killing the man and slicing off his foot. After the game, Michael is exhilarated, celebrating with milk and suddenly he has the courage to talk to Kimberly. He heads over to talk to her but while waiting in her living room (he didn’t break in, her parents let him in), he sees a news report on the murder of a local man- the same man he just killed in the game. He runs off and winds up at the crime scene and another run in with Detective Personality sorry Hayden who shoos him off again. Some twisted logic leads Michael to go play the game again but this time the game sends him an ambassador, The Trickster. The Trickster, a red mohawked man in standard 90s goth clothing, dances for an unimpressed Michael. He also gouges his own eyes, tells Michael there is a witness to the murder he committed and that he is also a witness. Don’t worry Michael, the Trickster won’t tell unless they play country music then he’ll tell everything. As the movie progresses, Michael’s interactions with the Trickster become increasingly strange- Trickster settles in to watch TV- and more violent as he tries to convince Michael to kill Kyle and Kimberly so they can’t rat him out. Michael is pretty fucked but you’ll have to watch Brainscan to see if he extricate himself from his technological nightmare. Will the Trickster eat all of Michael’s food and take over the house like some ginger mohawked, pale Kato Kaelin?- Hey it was a timely reference when the movie was released. WIll Frank Langella’s Detective Hayden portrayal continue to be Oscar-worthy? Will Michael kill the only two people in the world who seem to like him? What the fuck were we wearing in the 90s? Come to think of it, I don’t know the answers either.

How It Fits In With the Day/ Why Did I Choose This Movie
Obviously it’s a movie about the dangers of video games and how they can make you do bad things- nope that’s bullshit. Brainscan was the choice because of the Trickster and Frank Langella. The Trickster is one of the strangest villains of the 90s. He is as much unwanted houseguest as killer and the look is, well, very 90s. Some might say Frank Langella seems uninspired but the range of seriousness he portrays is stunningly small. Brainscan is definitely a product of its era and that’s not always a bad thing.

Lessons

• Don’t bring back 90s fashion. What the fuck was wrong with us? Who thought these looks were cool? Cut off flannel shirts? Those jeans? Just say no to 90s clothes.
• If a strange man comes through your TV and dances for you, let him but make him leave afterwards. Before long, he’ll be watching your TV, eating your food and trying to kill your girl.
• If a CD Rom game promises to fulfill your sickest desires and is delivered to you even when you chicken out and don’t order it, don’t play it. This probably holds true for video cassettes, CDs, 8 tracks or any other outdated media.
• Frank Langella=Legend.

Bowling League Day

September 3rd is Bowling League Day in the United States, a day to celebrate drinking beer and tossing your balls down a lane. Obviously, the preferred form of celebrating is to grab your buddies and your balls and go join a league. Equally obvious by now, I’m not going to go throw balls, I’m going to watch a horror movie and what better way to avoid a gutterball than Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama. Sorority Babes is the perfect game every bowler dreams of.

The Movie
Sorority Girls in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama is the story of college kids doing college kid things that get a bit out of hand. Jimmie, Keith and Calvin are nerdy guys just hanging out watching horror, looking at porno mags and drinking beers or in Calvin’s case- beer. They are craving excitement and girls. They know that tonight is the night the sorority house is initiating its latest pledges and that means naked girls so Jimmie and Keith drag Calvin to go peep on scantily clad sorority girls. Lisa and Taffy are going through their initiation at the hands of Babs, who loves to paddle the initaites, and two other sisters. Plastered Calvin and his buddies get an eyeful of the paddling but that’s not enough so they sneak in to get a better look. Needless to say, they are caught by Babs who alters the initiation to include these three clowns. She orders Lisa, Taffy and the guys to break into the local bowling alley and steal a trophy. Lisa and Taffy will complete their initiation and the guys will not be reported under the Babs Plan so they all comply and head for the bowling alley with Calvin now suffering the nasty effects of one beer- vomit! Babs follows to scare them when the time is right.

This seems like an easy mission for this quintet especially when the bowling alley doors are unlocked. They split up to find a trophy but Calvin finds the real trophy in Spider (Linnea Quigley) who is robbing the place. She does not like Calvin’s friends and she tells them stealing is wrong but these fools do not listen and find a trophy which they then drop. The trophy opens, releasing...Uncle Impy, a fucking imp. Impy offers them a reward for freeing them- wishes granted. Clearly, he is a benevolent imp so there is no way these wishes could sour on them, right? Wrong. Impy is a dick and everything the kids wish for goes awry. And the wishes??? Gold, sex and being prom queen??? Fuck, some of these kids are dumb. But not Spider and Calvin who wisely resist the temptation. As the wishes blow up in their faces, the bowling alley devolves into chaos seen only during midnight bowling. Demon sorority girls and a fucking imp? Nothing could possibly go wrong now. Who can survive the wrath of Uncle Impy? What the fuck is an imp anyway? Can you even stop Impy? Can these fools escape the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama? Why is there not more Spider in this movie? Watch Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama for the answers to these questions.


How It Fits I With the Day/ Why Did I Choose This Movie
Most of the movie is set in a bowling alley so I think it fits. Besides, I make the rules for this blog and I really wanted to add a movie with Linnea Quigley. In Sorority Babes. Linnea Quigley is the bad-ass Spider, a role she is well accustomed to. Linnea Quigley is also one of the longest lasting celebrity crushes I’ve had, starting with her role as Trash in Return of the Living Dead. She is also one of the best B-movie actresses ever so Bowling League Day is hers.

Lessons

• Beer puts hair on your chest and it will make you want to go peep on the local sorority. Drink responsibly. Hairy chests are not that cool and peeping on women is even less cool.

• If you find an imp/genie/demon in a bowling trophy who wants to grant you a wish, it should be a hard pass. There is no way it’s not a trick. He’ll grant your wish but it will definitely have some weird twist to it.

• Do not break and enter. I don’t think you should get your legal advice from this blog but there it is. Nothing good will come from B & E.

• Linnea Quigley is amazing. Did I say that before? Watch anything she’s in. Seriously.

Happy Labor Day

It’s Labor Day!!! Time for us to unofficially say farewell to the summer, kids to go back to school and I to go back to work. It’s also a day to celebrate the working men and women with one final barbecue, fireworks display or beach trip, all in a drunken haze. And so, to celebrate this Labor Day, I watched The Belko Experiment.

The Movie
The Belko Experiment is set in the Bogota offies of a not for profit organization that facilitates some shit for American corporations looking to exploit South American markets. This day, however, is very different. Office hero Mike arrives for work and is met by increased security, including bomb sniffing dogs and heavily armed guards. Then he learns that all the Colombian staff has the day off. None of this worries him enough for him to go home because he is that dedicated to his job. We also meet new employee Dany, who is wondering about the microchip the company implanted in her, Wendell, the office sexual harasser, Leandra, Mike’s office romance and Wendell’s target and Keith who has an ant farm at his desk and has named the ants. Just the kind of guy I want to sit next to for 8 hours a day. Mike is curious enough to call his buddy Evan, the in-building security guy but he knows nothing. As things seem to be normalizing, a voice comes over the intercom with a stunning announcement. The voice tells them that most of them will be dead by the end of the day. They are instructed to kill two people. Before they can escape, the building is sealed by shutters and the wifi and phone lines are dead.

Mike enlists help to escape including Bud the janitor but clearly there is no way out. Mike continues to look for peaceful, non-violent ideas but the situation worsens as the voice informs them that time is up and detonates the microchips of some employees to prove that this is a serious situation. Now they have to kill 30 people or the voice will kill 60. COO Barry Norris and his goon squad start to formulate a plan to achieve this goal while Mike still tries to explore alternatives and other factions form including the stoner conspiracy theorists who come to believe it’s all a poisoned water hallucination Barry and company start sorting the staff into groups to kill while a Spanish version of California Dreamin’ blares on the radio. Surely this plan can’t fail. Certainly the voice will be satisfied by this sacrifice. Death, violence and mayhem ensue. Can anyone survive The Belko Experiment? Shit just watch it and find out.

How It Fits I With the Day/ Why Did I Choose This Movie
The Belko Experiment definitely does not celebrate the American worker but it does highlight some of the charming coworkers you will have at any job. The callous, dickhead of a COO. The sycophantic, ass-kissing middle managers. The ineffective, whiny people who never do anything right. And you - the hero, the one who always gets more than his share of work done with no praise while standing up to the boss and respecting your coworkers. The Belko Experiment is a microcosm of the soulless, meaningless grind of your everyday existence. (Sorry, just a little bummed about having to go back to work).

Lessons

• If one of the requirements of your job is having a tracking microchip embedded in your neck, don’t take the job. You are not an employee, you are property. Your boss will know everywhere you go. No more strip clubs or late night trips to your dealer. And they might put an explosive in that chip and make your head explode.                                                                                           
• Do not let the retired special forces guys form the crisis response team. They could have flashbacks to their service and they will be very difficult to stop if need be.

• The life of migrant workers is not easy. Any employer could be their own personal Belko. Cut them some slack.

• WORK FROM HOME. There will be no chaos other than what you create. Unless you’re into conducting personalized psychological experiments. Don’t do that.

Happy Birthday Frank Henenlotter

August 29th is noted New York schlock horror director Frank Henenlotter’s birthday. Henenlotter films, like Basket Case and Brain Damage, are unique experiences from his gritty vision of New York City to the shocks and humor he fills them with. To celebrate, I watched Frankenhooker which is exactly what it sounds like- a version of Frankenstein with hookers.

The Movie

Frankenhooker opens with our hero Jeffrey Franken conducting experiments on a bodiless brain… in the kitchen… of his fiance’s parents home… during her father’s birthday party. Jeffery seems to be making progress in the area of bodiless brain science but the interruptions by his future mother-in-law are definitely not advancing his significant scientific work. Jeffrey’s fiance, Elizabeth, loves pretzels and her mother is worried by how much she eats, implying she is large though she is not. In fact, as she tells her friend, Elizabeth allowed Jeffery to staple her stomach although he is not a doctor. No, Jeffrey works for the electric company and has been thrown out of 3 medical schools which may explain why ELizabeth’s stomach stapling was not successful. The celebration continues and Jeffrey and Elizabeth present her father with his birthday gift- a remote controlled lawn mower because apparently he can’t push a mower like a normal person. Elizabeth starts the lawn mower but, despite Jeffrey’s warnings, she stands right in its path. Elizabeth dies in a horrific lawn mower accident.

Jeffrey is not taking Elizabeth’s death well. He has begun to work tirelessly on a plan to use electrical currents to reincarnate his shredded sweetheart. Jeffrey is a mess though. He kisses photographs which are all over his room and can’t hang pictures straight. He also keeps a video tape of the news report of Elizabeth’s accident hidden in a copy of Grey’s Anatomy. The reporter on the tape is filled with the typical honor and sensitivity reporters are known for. She tells of Elizabeth and “her personality raining down upon birthday revelers” and that she “was instantly reduced to a tossed human salad.” The big reveal of the report is that some of Elizabeth’s parts have gone missing, including her head- I wonder who has that? As the report ends Jeffrey’s mother lets herself into his room and attempts to console the distraught Jeffrey and offers to set him up with a new girl. Jeffrey bares his soul to his mother but all she can do is offer him a sandwich. After this heart to heart, Jeffrey goes outside to his car and grabs some tools he clearly stole from work and goes to his garage laboratory. Stored inside a cooler filled with a mysterious purple fluid is the missing head. Jeffrey takes the head on a romantic dinner date in the corner of the lab. Dinner is pizza and wine but Elizabeth, apparently still conscious of her weight, skips the pizza. Jeffrey shows the head pictures of it on the bodies of nude pin up girls showing it the many ideas he has to rebuild her. After reading her a love poem of Shakespearean skill, Jeffrey returns the head to the cooler and gets back to work because he only has two days to find new parts and reassemble Elizabeth before a major storm hits the area. Jeffrey needs ideas and he has developed a new method to encourage thought- drilling into his brain. On the second drill, he comes up with a plan. Jeffrey is going to New York City to find hookers to use for parts and he is going to fund it with his Christmas Club account.

Jeffrey drives into the city and cruises the hooker strip looking for the perfect parts. He finally settles on a block and finds a woman. The two negotiate a deal for a party with many women for Jeffrey to choose from but first her pimp, Zorro, has to approve the deal. They find Zorro hanging out in the men’s room of the seediest club in all of late 1980s New York, selling crack. Zorro approves of the deal and manages to sell Jeffrey some crack. Jeffrey does not have any interest in doing crack himself, however. Instead, Jeffrey takes the crack home and, through his genius, manages to turn it into an even greater quantity of supercrack. Jeffrey’s supercrack is extremely potent and causes his guinea pig to explode. The next night, Jeffrey takes his money and supercrack to his party at the upscale hooker motel. Jeffrey is dressed as a doctor and he begins an enthusiastic inspection of the assembled hooker. The women humor Jeffrey but are clearly becoming bored as Jeffrey struggles to find the perfect body. Eventually, Jeffrey begins to have second thoughts about the plan entirely and starts to leave. The hookers will not let him leave until he pays them and Jeffrey gives them his bag of money, forgetting that the supercrack is in it. The hookers find the supercrack and are more excited by that than the cash. The party is reignited but supercrack is not to be fucked with. In fairly short order, the hookers begin to overheat and explode. The gorgeous hotel room is transformed into a fireworks show of legs and boobs that would dwarf the local 4th of July displays. Zorro, waiting in the lobby, grows impatient and goes to find his stable only to be knocked cold by a flying head. Jeffrey bags up the hooker parts, promising to use his estrogen based serum to put them all back together but first Elizabeth.

Back home, Jeffrey is hurrying to reassemble Elizabeth as the storm approaches but his organization system is flawed. He just has buckets of parts all over the garage lab. He even gets distracted shaving bunions off of the feet he has picked. I guess if you’re going to rebuild your fiance, you might as well make sure she doesn’t have bunions. Jeffrey dumps the remaining parts in the cooler of estrogen based serum just in time to fire up his equipment. Lightning strikes and

Elizabeth lives!!!!

Sort of. Elizabeth has taken on the traits and language of the hookers and immediately asks Jeffrey if he wants a date. She knocks Jeffrey out and heads back to New York City to ply her trade. When Jeffrey comes to, he quickly realizes where Elizabeth went and tries to find her. Meanwhile, Elizabeth has found her first customer and takes him to the five star motel but she must have too much supercrack because he explodes when they kiss. She then heads to the bar where her pretzel addiction is reborn and she runs into an angry Zorro who recognizes the words, phrases and big Z tattoo on her arm. They scuffle and Zorro nearly punches her head off. In the ensuing chaos, Zorro slips into the background as Jeffrey finally finds Elizabeth and bring her home for repairs. Jeffrey’s problems are mounting. Can Jeffrey save his beloved from the urges of her body? Will he rebuild the hookers? How can he deal with Zorro? Watch Frankenhooker for the answers to these important questions.

How It Fits I With the Day/ Why Did I Choose This Movie
Frankenhooker was an easy choice to celebrate Frank Henenlotter. The movie was my first introduction to his work and one of the first schlock horror movies I ever saw. The movie caught my eye immediately on the shelf of a Blockbuster video in Mt. Kisco back in the days when you could wander around a rental store and discover movies. The cover image of Elizabeth, in full Frankenstein mode with her purple bra, emerging from a subway station was one of the more iconic of that time period. As much as I love Henenlotter’s other movies, Frankenhooker will always be my favorite.

Lessons

• Do not build or operate remote controlled lawn mowers. Think of how many times you crashed that little RC car and now imagine the damage you could do with a lawn mower. Just push the mower. If you can’t resist, don’t stand in front of it.
• Do not let your boyfriend/fiance/husband perform surgery on you if he’s not a doctor. Especially if he’s been kicked out of medical school.
• DO NOT try to bring your loved ones back from the dead. This is an important, recurring lesson. They never come back the same and always cause more problems. Let your mom set you up, go to a bar, sign up for an internet dating service. Do anything EXCEPT reanimation. Please.
• Say no to crack... but run from supercrack.

National Water Quality Month

August is National Water Quality Month. During August it is recommended that people be conscious of the amount of water that they use and how much of the world’s water is polluted and unsafe to drink. What is not thought of in this awareness campaign is the impact on wildlife, in particular, the beavers. So in their honor and for Water Quality Month, this week’s movie selection is...Zombeavers.

The Movie

Zombeavers opens with two half-witted truckers, Joseph and Luke, transporting a load of toxic chemicals. Instead of focusing on their load, the two are far more interested in discussing their sexual misadventures. Luke and Joseph are kind of perverted and the talk gets raunchy enough so that Luke attempts to change the subject. His alternative- nope still not the chemicals they are transporting- is to tell Joseph about how he is no longer allowed to shit at his friend’s house. You see the problem is not necessarily that Luke has a smelly ass as that Luke shit on his friend’s table. After that story, Joseph needs a distraction from his coworker and decides to start texting while driving. Completely distracted by his poor texting skills, Joseph is not watching the road, though he insists he is and slams into a deer. The collision frees a barrel of waste. The barrel floats through a river finally coming to rest at a beaver dam. The barrel bursts spraying its noxious, gooey, green contents all over the beavers.

We now meet Jen who is doing her makeup in a gas station restroom and moping over her cheating boyfriend, Sam. Jen is interrupted by a potential Prince Charming who’s “gotta take shit” and who makes sure to leer lustfully at Jen as she leaves. Jen rejoins her friends Mary, the nerdy girl with the Velma look, and Zoe, the smart-mouthed rude girl and Zoe’s dog. They are on their way to a girl’s weekend at a lake to help Jen get over her dirtbag boyfriend. We know the girls are cool because they do tongue twisters and look at dick pics while listening to some of the worst music ever recorded. Fortunately for our ears, the girls arrive at their destination, a crappy looking lake in the town of Ashwood. Wait, the lake now looks beautiful and, oh nevermind, back to the shitty pond. As they are unpacking, they meet the lady who lives next door, Mrs. Gregorson. As they talk, we learn that Zoe is has a gift for talking with old ladies. Mrs. Gregorson opens up to the girls about her own daughter who is very sexually promiscuous “a real whore” and “not that attractive.” The girls manage to break away from the conversation and head into their cabin only to encounter the most horrific thing they’ve ever encountered. The cabin has no cell service or wifi. The girls are traumatized but manage to overcome the hardship and go out to the lake to swim. Of course, Zoe decides she needs to take her top off to swim with her two friends and runs into the lake topless. The girls swim to a raft and are lounging when Jen sees a beaver dam She convinces her friends to go with her to look in the hope of seeing a beaver but alas there are no beavers to be found but there is an angry bear. A hunter named Smith scares the bear off and introduces himself as Smyth “with a Y”. He asks the girls what they were doing there in the first place and Jen tells Him that they were “looking for beavers.” Smyth, knowing a good set up when he hears one, replies “Hell, ain’t we all.”

After an eventful afternoon, the girls return to the cabin for an exciting night of drinking and truth or dare. As Mary and Jen are about to kiss, they are interrupted by a noise. It turns out Zoe had invited the boyfriends, including cheating Sam, to girl’s weekend. After convincing the girls to let them stay, Zoe, and her boyfriend Buck and Mary and hers Tommy, go off to participate in mating rituals leaving Jen and Sam to talk. Sam seems to think that he’ll soon be engaging in the ritual but that dream ends with an emphatic knee to the balls. Jen goes to take a shower but even that goes wrong as there is an angry beaver already in the shower. Jen runs to get help but by the time they return the beaver seems to have left. Suddenly, the beaver jumps out of a cabinet but Tommy beats it to death, bagged and thrown on the porch. After the excitement, an orgy is proposed but does not occur.

The next day, they gang discovers the bag, empty but are undeterred and go to swim in the lake. Jen, after her beaver encounter, is not eager to get in the lake as her friends swim out to the raft. She is finally coerced into stepping into the lake when something brushes past her leg. Then Buck is attacked by a beaver and loses a foot. Her friends are trapped on the raft so Jen runs to the cabin to use the landline but the beavers have eaten the wires and is attacked by a beaver while her friends are set upon by more beavers. Sam, the heroic dirtbag that he is devises an escape plan. He throws Zoe’s dog into the water to distract the beavers and the kids are able to reach the relative safety of the cabin which is soon surrounded by beavers. Trapped and panicked, the kids do not manage to rally together, instead Zoe reveals that Sam cheated on Jen with Mary. Sam, continuing on his heroic arc, snaps and tears the head off the beaver Jen fought and throws it outside to the other beavers, a gesture that is sure to calm them. Tommy decides that he needs to take Buck and go get help (Oh, look hospitals before revenge. Someone is learning!) and Zoe goes with them. Mrs. Gregorson hears the commotion from next door and tries to convince her husband to go see if the girls need help. Mr Gregorson is unconcerned and assumes that it is just the girls “scissoring to Lady Gaga.” Tommy, Zoe and Buck have made it to a car and are speeding for help. Buck, in and out of consciousness, tells Zoe that he has regrets about his DJ Khalid-esque love life but he is sensitive to smells. There escape attempt is thwarted when they reach a downed tree across the road and then beavers drop a tree on Tommy. Once again, Smyth comes to the rescue saving Buck and Zoe but has no choice but to bring them back. Smyth tells Zoe about a major outbreak of beaver fever in the area during the 70s. Back at the cabin, things are really going to shit and Sam channels his inner John McClane saying “Come out to the lake. Have a few laughs.” but he is clearly useless in a crisis and he watches as the girls board the house. The situation is especially tense since Sam is still hot for Mary and Jen is still mad. Mary tries to ease the tension telling Jen that she has every right to hate her and Sam but the can’t turn against one another because “that’s what the beavers want.” From there things only get worse. Who lives? Who becomes a Zombeaverperson? Who picks the worst time possible to fool around? You’ll have to watch Zombeavers to find out. Know that if you don’t you’ll miss out on Zombeaver whack-a-mole and Sam continuing to lose his head.


How It Fits I With the Day/ Why Did I Choose This Movie

Zombeavers details the risks of unclean water. Not only is it unsafe to drink but it can spawn outbreaks of killer beavers. The only way to prevent future incidents like this is to keep our water supplies clean and uncontaminated.

Lessons

• If your friend shits on your table, it is entirely acceptable to forbid him from shitting at your house ever again. In fact, you may not want to let him in your house at all. Maybe just hang out at a bar with that friend.
• Swimming in a lake is just like swimming in a pool. Zoe imparts these words of wisdom and they could not be truer. 
• Don’t swim in lakes and oceans. Besides Zombeavers, there are any other aquatic lifeforms that could attack you. Even if nothing attacks you, it’s still just a giant fish toilet.
• Beavers can tunnel and they like to chew on shit. This knowledge may save your life during future beaver fever and Zombeaver outbreaks.

National Resurrect Romance Week

Happy National Resurrect Romance Week. That’s right the week of August 14th through the 20th is dedicated to the resurrection of romance. I would imagine the people who created this week are the owners of greeting card companies, florists, chocolate makers and fine dining establishments envisioning a late summer boost in business six months removed from their greatest creation- Valentine’s Day. The week seems designed to suck money out of people who think a fancy date will resurrect their dying romance. I’m sure there are hundreds of romantic comedies starring Julia Roberts and Bradley Cooper but that would be a completely different blog. Instead of resurrecting my own romance (joke’s on you flower cartel, my romance doesn’t need flowers or resurrecting), I watched Return Of the Living Dead III.

The Movie

Return of the Living Dead III opens at a military research center where a group of colonels and scientists are attempting to turn zombies into undead supersoldiers. This is never a good idea. We are then introduced to the film’s star-crossed lovers, Julie, a bit of a masochist, and her boyfriend, Curt, who is all too willing to do anything she wants. They are young and the relationship is new so how could they need to resurrect their romance? Well you’ll see. Date night for these two crazy kids entails the theft of Colonel Reynolds’ id badge and an illicit trip to the base to sneak around the air ducts. Colonel Reynolds is also Curt’s dad. JUlie is in awe of the base as if she has never seen dimly lit halls and air vents before. Before long though, the kids stumble upon a scientist throwing body parts into a furnace to be cremated. Now Julie is really excited and they plunge further into the ducts. Finally, they reach the lab where the actual testing is occurring. As the kids and COlonel Reynolds and his peers look on, the scientists in the lab successfully reanimate a corpse using trioxin gas. They immediately paralyze the zombie with some magic freeze bullet. Curt and Julie sneak off but they miss the real fireworks. The paralysis does not hold and the test subject breaks free and bites a doctor. The remaining doctors are able refreeze the zombie and begin to restrain him completely ignoring their bitten colleague in the corner. Bad move. The bitten scientist dies and reanimates and attacks his former science buddies. The base commences containment protocols. Clearly Colonel Reynolds’ experiment has not been successful and his future in the growing field of zombie super soldier research is in jeopardy.

Back home, Julie is exhilarated and more than a little horny. Curt has seemingly resurrected the romance and they have incredible sex. In the aftermath of their carnal delights, Julie still cannot get the zombie off her mind. There fun is ruined when Colonel Dad comes home and tells Curt he needs to speak with him “alone. In my office.” The colonel definitely does not like Julie. The Colonel tells Curt that he is being reassigned to Oklahoma City in the wake of his failure. Curt, much like Kevin Durant, has no interest in living in Oklahoma City and tells his dad that he is not going. They argue and Curt and Julie speed off on Curt’s motorcycle. Curt is not driving safely and Julie does not encourage him to slow down. Instead, still turned on by her zombie experience, grabs Curt’s little soldier and kisses his neck. Curt loses control… of the bike and crashes throwing Julie headfirst into a pole, breaking her neck and killing her. Curt is distraught but he devises a plan to resurrect his romance once again. Curt manages to sneak dead Julie onto the base and with the stolen id badge enters the trioxin lab and brings Julie back. In the process, he also manages to release a really juicy zombie from a barrel. Curt and Julie manage to escape but the poor under-armed security guard does not. You would think that a soldier on a base working in zombie technology would have better weapons. The young lovers are not very stealthy and security cameras spot them. Colonel Dad and the military issue an APB for Curt and Julie who flee to the only place to upper class white kids can feel safe- South Central Los Angeles.

Curt and Julie’s first order of business as zombie Bonnie and Clyde is to get her some food because she’s hungry. They find a bodega and Julie begins gorging herself on snacks like any good stoned person. In doing so, she attracts the attention of a group of Hispanic tough guys and a girl. You know they are tough guys because they threaten the kids and use words like esay. Curt tries to diffuse the situation but then accidentally bumps the leader. The ensuing scuffle is broken up by the Korean clerk but while his back is turned one of the tough guys is emptying the cash register. The clerk catches him but is shot. The tough guys run off but not before Julie bites one of them. She now knows what will satiate her overpowering hunger. Curt and Julie leave and are in the process of stealing a van when the wounded clerk begs them to drive him to the hospital. Being the good samaritan that he is, Curt loads the clerk in the back of the van just as the cops show up. Curt drives off with the cops in pursuit. The police begin to shoot at the van and kill the clerk. Julie, in the front seat is exploring her masochistic tendencies by sticking herself with needles but not for long. While Curt is looking for an escape, Julie climbs in the back and starts eating the clerk’s brain and now she knows exactly what her new favorite food is. Curt and Julie manage to escape into the sewers and storm drains of the Los Angeles River, leaving the soon to be undead clerk in the van. The police find the van but one of them is killed by the clerk before the military shows up to spread their containment protocols.

Date night gets even worse as Julie and Curt have a fight and Julie storms off. When Curt finds her, Julie is perched on the edge of a bridge ready to jump. Despite his words, which include telling her that he liked her better when she was alive, Julie jumps. The tough guys are not faring any better. The leader has become obsessed with getting revenge on Julie for biting his friend and won't take him to a hospital until he finds her. The guy is dying in the backseat but South Central Ahab needs to catch his whale. Curt is searching the river for Julie now assisted by a homeless guy he meets in a drain pipe. The homeless guy, soon to be named Riverman, advises Curt to go home as there is no way Julie survived her leap. Curt is persistent and finds Julie but for some reason she still doesn’t want anything to do with him. Just as she seems to be warming to Curt again, the tough guys show up shouting threats. Riverman leads the kids into his sewer hideout. While all this is going on, Colonel Dad has been removed from the search and replaced by his bitchy rival Colonel Sinclair but dad keeps searching with a group of soldiers. Curt and his new friend Riverman leave Julie to rest while they have a deep meaningful conversation. Curt seems to be taking the talk to heart when Riverman reminds him that he is taking advice from a guy who lives in a sewer. Instead of resting, Julie has begun to experiment with piercing and body modification with objects she finds in the sewer. This cannot be very sanitary but I guess if you’re a zombie you don't have to worry about dysentery. Curt comes to check on her and they do it in the sewer while Julie stabs herself with a sharp piece of metal. Curt falls asleep because he is a man in a movie who just had sex and Julie furthers her body modification with a rusty razor she found. The tough guys have now caught up to the trio and beat poor Riverman trying to get him to tell where Curt and Julie are. Curt comes to his rescue but he’s not much of a fighter and gets overwhelmed. The leader demands that Julie show herself and when she does it is a much different Julie. She is now pierced, goth, Super Zombie Julie and the leader is smitten. He has now determined that he will get his revenge through sex and he goes off with her while his friend succumbs to his wound. Sex with Julie is not quite what Ahab may have expected as it now seems to entail having your spine pulled out. Even though she has saved them, Curt is still mad at Julie. Their date night is ruined and it only gets worse but that’s all I’m telling you.


How It Fits I With the Day/ Why Did I Choose This Movie

Return of the Living Dead III is all about resurrecting romance and the complications involved. It’s not as simple as roses, candy, dinner, weekend getaways or any of that crap. It’s hard work and learning to adapt to one another. Curt doesn’t need flowers to rekindle the passion of his relationship with Julie. All he needs is a stolen id card and some trioxin. There are not many movies that fit National Resurrect Romance Week any better.

Lessons

Keep the military and probably the government out of zombie science. They will only want to find ways to weaponize zombies without figuring out appropriate methods to contain and control the zombie soldiers.

Resurrect romance not bodies. Your girlfriend will not be the same if you use trioxin to bring her back from the dead. In fact, she will probably eat your friends and eventually you.

Hospitals before revenge. No matter how badly you want to get the woman that bit your friend, you should take him for treatment first. Especially if he’s dying in the backseat of your car.

DO NOT tell your girlfriend that you liked her better when she was alive. Accept that the changes in her life have been major and highly traumatic. Give her time to adjust to the new situation and maybe she will go back to her old self only dead.

National Farmers Market Week

The week of August 7th through August 13th is National Farmers Market Week. I would imagine the suggested way to celebrate the week is by purchasing produce at local farmers markets. Well the hell with that. I chose to celebrate by watching a movie about an independent farmer/motel operator named Vincent Smith - Motel Hell.

The Movie

Vincent Smith, aka Farmer Vincent, and his gorgeous sister Ida are the owners of the Motel Hello and a successful pig farm. They are well-known for their smoked meats centered on Farmer Vincent’s special, top secret recipe. Vincent is the brains of the operation while the voluptuous Ida does most of the manual labor. Vincent is a prideful, pious man selling his smoked meats at fair prices and he uses no preservatives or artificial ingredients. He is successful on the merits of his own hard work not government subsidies and Farm Aid concerts. It is clear very early on that the special seasoning Vincent uses is human, harvested from victims of accidents on a particularly treacherous stretch of road. That Farmer Vincent is causing the accidents himself is irrelevant. Sometimes he runs short on meat and needs to supplement his supply. After a horrific motorcycle accident, Vincent goes to aid the victims, Boris and Terry. Vincent assesses that he is too late to help Boris and tickets him for his farm. Terry, on the other hand, catches Vincent’s eye and he brings her home to nurse her back to health. Big mistake Farmer Vincent. Terry is beautiful but not very bright. The following morning, Terry wakes and speaks with Vincent and his self-righteous half-witted brother Bruce, the local sheriff. Vincent is forced to explain to Terry that Boris has “passed away.” Terry does not fully grasp the concept and needs the simple euphemism explained to her. Bruce also takes the opportunity to lecture Vincent on the need to call the police when there is an accident. Further complicating Vincent’s life is the nosy health inspector Bob who shows up to do a spot check of the farm. Bob becomes curious about the secret garden that Vincent keeps but does not ask Vincent about it and obtain answers from Vincent. No, this snoopy motherfucker Bob decides to sneak back in the middle of the night to climb the wall and illegally inspect the garden. Bob is intent on shutting Vincent down but Vincent, in a reasonable act of self defense, clubs Bob with a shovel and adds hime to the special ingredient, head garden that Vincent keeps. Soon, Vincent adds the members of the band Ivan and the Terribles to his garden after their van, driven by a stoned band member, careens off a hill after inexplicably running over Vincent’s bear traps in the road.

Terry is adjusting to life on the farm very well, though the fresh air is not making her any smarter. The family and Terry go on a picnic where Terry fails to pick up in the hints that the ham she is enjoying is partially human. Vincent even tells her “It takes all kinds of critters to make Farmer Vincent’s fritters.” Terry is amazed and tells Vincent “No wonder you're famous. How come I never heard of you?” Terry may be suffering from a brain injury. Simple things confound her but she is thriving on the farm. She seems to take a shine to Bruce and goes boating with him. That night Bruce takes Terry to a drive in, sort of. He busts a make out spot near the drive in and pulls out binoculars because he’s too cheap to actually pay for the movie. Then Bruce tries to make out with Terry who turns him down. Bruce does not take no and starts to force himself on Terry but he is interrupted by an emergency. A woman is being chased by another car whose driver wishes to kill her. It turns out Vincent used the fake cows in the road trick to stop the woman and her friend in the road. When her friend is caught, the woman speeds off with Vincent in hot pursuit and soon Bruce not far behind. Bruce, however can’t drive and gets his car stuck in the mud. The garden grows even richer when two horny swingers show up at the motel thinking it’s a swingers resort. They trash the room and begin to engage in bizarre fetish behaviors so Vincent and Ida are forced to protect their property.

Terry continues to be a problem. Vincent decides he would like to take her under his wing and teach her the art of meat smoking. That sounds dirty but Vincent is too pure for that filth. Predictably, this makes Ida very jealous and she tries to drown Terry but Vincent gets there just in time to save Terry. Terry, very thankful to be alive, tries to seduce Vincent but Vincent will have none of that unless they are married. Vincent is very virtuous and Terry decides to accept the proposal. Bruce is stunned and extremely jealous of the pending nuptials. He makes horrible accusations about Vincent including that he has “syphilis of the brain.” He also finally decides that maybe he should do his job and investigate the disappearances near his brother’s farm. Bruce soon stumbles upon the truth while Terry is unable to recognize the difference between normal champagne and green drugged champagne. Like I’ve said she’s not the sharpest tack. Things devolve into chaos for Vincent and Ida including escaped human plants and an epic chainsaw duel.

How It Fits I With the Day/ Why Did I Choose This Movie

Motel Hell, with its depictions of the complications farmers face, is a great way to honor Farmers Market Week. As a pig farmer, Vincent excels at his craft creating smoked meats that are none throughout the county. He is so dedicated to his craft that he only sells his meat locally to ensure freshness. He embodies the hard work and dedication a farmer must have to be successful. Vincent and his family have long known that “meat’s meat and a man’s gotta eat” and have gone to great lengths to provide the finest product they possibly can.

Lessons

None of us are ever alone. We have ourselves. At your darkest, loneliest moments there is always someone there for you even if it’s the reflection in a mirror.

Traps give you the chance to explore your creative side. For Vincent it is bear traps and fake cows. I’m not giving you any ideas for traps. Be creative.

The most important lesson though is to skip the smoked meats if you don’t have a full ingredient list- sometimes they actually do use preservatives. Read the label. You don’t need polysorbate 60, sawdust or human in your smoked meats.

Happy Birthday Wes Craven

August 2nd would have been horror icon Wes Craven’s 79th birthday. Along with other visionaries like John Carpenter, George Romero and Tobe Hooper, Craven’s movies serve as a large part of the foundation of modern horror. In his honor, I watched 1984’s A Nightmare on Elm Street.

The Movie

A Nightmare on Elm Street Introduced the world to a fresh faced Johnny Depp. Nightmare is his first acting credit and his role is fairly straightforward performance as an average teen boy named Glen. His girlfriend, Nancy Thompson, is the true hero. Nightmare On Elm Street opens with their friend Tina having a horribly realistic dream in which she is being chased by a man in a red and green sweater, hat and burned face. She wakes to find her nightgown torn in the exact spot where the man slash her with his knife fingers. While walking to school, Tina relates her dream to Nancy and Glen. Nancy seems to be having similar dreams. Their discussion is interrupted by Tina’s Classy, tough guy boyfriend Rod. Rod joins the conversation, telling Tina of his dream “ “I had a hard-on this morning when I woke up, Tina. Had your name written all over it.” Despite this romantic description, Tina is not impressed and tells Rod (haha ROD) that her name is only four letters long and therefore too long for Rod’s rod. Aside from Rod, all of the kids seem to be dreaming of the same creepy man. The situation worsens that night during a coed sleepover. Glen and Nancy are apparently waiting for marriage but Tina and Rod are definitely not. After a surprisingly satisfying romp(remember Rod’s rod is not even big enough to fit four letters on it), Rod confides that even he has nightmares and rolls over and falls asleep. Tina falls asleep too and is soon confronted by the man from her nightmares again. Tina is not able to escape this time and is brutally murdered. Rod quickly becomes the prime suspect and the police, led by Nancy’s father pursue him instead of reaching the logical conclusion that a creepy man in her nightmare killed Tina. Rod is not much of a fugitive and is arrested.

Nancy does not believe that Rod is the killer. She believes that she is now having regular encounters with the killer including in her English class during an impassioned reading of Shakespeare. She wakes screaming in the middle of class with a fresh burn on her arm which is also how I used to react to Shakespeare readings too. Nancy is sent home from school. Later that night while trying to relax in the bathtub, Nancy dozes off and a knife gloved hand emerges from the bath water and attempts to kill Nancy. Nancy concocts a plan to capture the man from her nightmares, who to this point has only once been given a name. She will go to sleep with Glen standing guard waiting to wake her when she has caught the man. The plan results in near fatal consequences as Glen can’t be counted on and falls asleep. Nancy is ab;e to determine that Rod is in danger and rushes to the police station to try to save him but in the time it takes her to convince them to let her see Rod, he is killed in his cell. Sleep studies fail to help Nancy’s nightmares and she is now hardly ever sleeping. FInally out of desperation, Nancy’s mother tells Nancy some truth and we learn the name of the man from the nightmares. Nancy’s mom explains that Fred Krueger was a local man who was a “filthy child murderer.” Krueger was caught and put on trial but walked on a technicality. Nancy’s mom and other local parents took justice into their own hands and burned Krueger to death. So problem solved, they all live happily ever after except not so much. To go to much further would be to spoil the end but Johnny Depp’s greatest cinematic moment is still to come.



How It Fits I With the Day/ Why Did I Choose This Movie

A Nightmare On Elm Street was one of my first experiences with horror and a lasting one. At the time, it was one of the scariest movies I imagine existing. Few things scared a younger me more than my dreams having direct consequences on my survival. Craven created a monster that i could transfer into real life not like zombies, psycho killers and other supernatural types. Those were never quite real but a dream monster resonated.

A Nightmare on Elm Street is absent of many of the hallmarks of the series. It takes over 50 minutes to even hear the name Fred Krueger and only once does he refer to himself as Freddy. With very few exceptions, the wisecracks that are unavoidable in future installments are nonexistent. Craven had been making amazing horror movies for more than a decade but A Nightmare on Elm Street was the movie that brought him widespread notoriety.


Lessons

If you're going to be a big star don’t start out by wearing a white polo and sweater vest. It’s really a horrible look even for the 80s and really highlights scrawny arms.

Believe your kids when they tell you that a deranged man is killing their friends while they sleep. Just because it sounds odd does not mean it’s not true.

100s of people a year get killed in tubs- falling asleep and or getting out. Nancy’s mother believes this and so do I and you should too. Tubs are dangerous even when Freddy isn’t trying to feel you up.

Nobody knows what dreams are or where they come from. This lesson is from the doctor conducting Nancy’s sleep study. He’s a doctor and he doesn’t know. I don’t know. I bet you don’t either therefore nobody knows anything about dreams.

National Vanilla Ice Cream Day

July 23rd is National Vanilla Ice Cream Day.  To celebrate the occasion, I ate a ton of ice cream but I also chose two movies that relate to the holiday.  One is very obvious just from the title- Ice Cream Man.  The other a little less so but if you have seen Assault on Precinct 13, the original John Carpenter version, you’ll understand.  Either way you’ll know by the end of the blog.

Ice Cream Man-1995
Ice Cream Man is the story of Gregory Tudor and his ice cream truck business.  Gregory, played by Clint Howard- the best of the acting, directing, producing, Howard family (I may have an inordinately great admiration for Clint), was inspired to be an ice cream man by his idol The Ice Cream King.  Unfortunately for both the king and Gregory, the Ice Cream King is gunned down and dies in young Gregory’s arms.  The murder may be drug related but that doesn’t really matter what matters is its impact on poor Gregory.  Gregory spends much of the rest of his youth in an asylum being told that every day is a happy day.  Adult Gregory fulfills his lifelong dream and opens his own ice cream truck and begins to serve his community the unique flavors he specializes in.  Cockroach pistachio, dog and eyeball Rocky Road are among his treats.  When a child goes missing, other local children, part of a gang called the Rocketeers, become suspicious of Gregory.  Soon Small Paul of the Rocketeers is pulled into the truck while his friend Tuna merely watches.  Gregory tells Tuna he is only bringing Small Paul to the hospital but Paul never makes it to a hospital.  Soon the other Rocketeers and the local police are pursuing investigations into Gregory and his boutique ice cream truck.  Any more details would spoil the movie but the situation devolves into ice cream coated madness.

There are many wonderful moments in this movie.  The slogan on the back of the truck changes from day and night- Watch Out For Children to Watch Out Children.  Adultery can lead to your head being the ice cream in a waffle cone.Gregory, all 5’7 of him briefly convinces members of the Rocketeers that he iis a six foot plus tall wannabe police officer and later puts on a puppet show with the heads of two actual cops.  Gregory, like Clint Howard, is an underrated icon of horror.

How It Ties In With the Holiday
Ummmmmmm it’s a killer ice cream man and he definitely serves a variation of vanilla.

Lessons
Always say please.  It’s a big deal to Gregory and it should be a big deal to you.  Politeness goes a long way.

Eyeballs make perfect substitutes for marshmallows.  If you run out of marshmallows in a pinch an eyeball will do.  Try it the next time you make S’Mores.

You can’t just jump on women you have to charm them.  I don’t think I need to explain this we all understand right?


Assault On Precinct 13
John Carpenter’s 2nd full length, before Halloween, centers on a gang laying siege to a soon to be closed police station.  A violent police raid on the gang the night before has lit a fue and the gang is cruising the streets of the Anderson section of LA looking for trouble.  The gang shoots and kills a young girl.  The girl’s father gets his revenge killing the gang member who killed his daughter.  He then runs to the nearest police station which just happens to be the soon to be closed station.  Also arriving is a busload of prisoners being transferred including the debonair, Napoleon Wilson.  The gang surrounds the station and soon inmates, secretaries and police officers are fighting side by side to hold off the gang invasion.

Assault on Precinct 13 still manages to be fun.  When Officer Ethan Bishop is offered coffee “Black” he responds “For over thirty years.”  Napoleon Wilson is determined to bum a smoke off anyone and everyone.

How It Ties In With the Holiday
If you have seen the movie, you know I left out an important detail about the murder of the girl.  She had been bothering her father for food and he finally gave her money to go to an ice cream truck where she ordered a vanilla twist cone.  Unfortunately for her, the gang was in the process of beating and robbing the driver.  She manages to get her ice cream safely but realizes she did not get her vanilla twist.  She returns to complain only to be shot.
https://youtu.be/K7CQ6G0ILFQ

Lessons
“You can’t argue with a confident man”-Napoleon Wilson.  I guess you could argue with a confident man, but you won’t get anywhere.

 Playing one potato, two potato is how tough guys and hardened criminals make decisions therefore it is completely acceptable for you to use it too.  Who should clean the cat litter?  Potatoes.  Who’s buying dinner? Potatoes.

Special Overall Holiday Lesson
Buying ice cream from a dilapidated, greasy truck is never a good decision.  Even if you have fond childhood memories of that annoying song and the frozen treats it contains stay the fuck away.  You never know if it’s a front for a drug dealer, if there are body parts in the ice cream or if the truck is a target for a vengeful gang. And it’s really overpriced.  Save your wallet and your life and buy your ice cream elsewhere.

Welcome

Welcome to my first ever movie blog.  I love movies especially horror. This love has led me to watch thousands of movies many of them God awful,  You may question my sanity (it’s ok I do quite frequently) to continue to eagerly watch movies that many would not.  I do not have a solid answer, I just love movies. They were a connection to my father for sure. He introduced me to many classics.  Movies became a connection to my friends. I’ve hosted many movie nights and subjected friends to the joys of movies like The Room and Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny.  There are many more joys to be derived from movies like the ones I watch and will write about, Two aspects I like to focus on are pairing movies with significant, or not very significant, days and life lessons that can be taken away from movies.  Most of these will not be lessons intentionally written into movies but something that I have found. They are not generally serious lessons but humorous ones though they are definitely applicable to everyday life. One thing I have never done is write about them so there are definitely times when this blog may be amateur hour.  To be clear, I am not reviewing movies. I like them all in some way, I am just trying to spread the love. I am also going to make every effort to avoid spoilers. No one likes some clown on the internet ruining the end of a movie.

Enjoy.