Happy Gluten-Free Diet Awareness Month

 November is Gluten-Free Diet Awareness Month.  Now that you’re aware to be aware of gluten-free diets, you should watch Bad Taste. Bad Taste is the first movie directed by Peter Jackson. but there are no Hobbits in this movie, only human-eating aliens hiding inside the hollowed out bodies of humans.  So grab some popcorn (it’s gluten-free) watch Bad Taste and enjoy our blog.  Perhaps you can learn to make the human gruel the aliens enjoy, which surely has a gluten-free alternative, mainly a base of gluten-free people.

Questions

Jon:  Peter Jackson?  In our blog?  Seem a little mainstream for us?

Sandy:  Um… this wacky shit is most definitely not mainstream, no matter who is responsible for making it, although my friend Cookie knew it very well. He told me it was Jackson’s first real movie and that it took 3 years to film this because it was just Jackson and a few of his friends filming on weekends. How Spencer Gifts/Hot Topic were those handle candles? 

Jon:  They are probably my second favorite candles of all time just behind the Toht Raiders of the Lost Ark melting head candles.  Is this a job for real men?

Sandy:  Clearly, these aliens were quite hungry. Requesting real men be sent to the town to handle the situation is actually pretty brilliant, since it seemed that they had already eaten everyone else. Did you initially think that dude had a tiny baby hand before realizing it was a finger with a bandaid holding that doodad to it? (I didn’t write down what was taped to the severed finger and cannot remember and am also too lazy to double check. Was it a pipe or a cigarette holder?)

Jon:  Shit I don’t remember either.  I think it’s possible I thought it was a baby hand right up until you told me it wasn’t.  How many last chances are too many last chances?

Sandy:  Don’t ask me, I’m the queen of giving people too many last chances. Do you think the aliens threw that phone up into the power lines to stop a victim from calling for help, or do you think it was already there like shoes in the Bronx and they just used it because it was hilarious? ORRRRR, do you think ripping a telephone out of someone’s wall and throwing it up into the power lines is just a New Zealand thing?

Jon: Maybe it’s a combination of all three.  New Zealand aliens rip phones out of walls to prevent people from calling for help and signal where the drug dealer lives.  Why can’t aliens be friendly?

Sandy:  I’d imagine it’s because they traveled so far to get there and lots of people get cranky after a long trip. Like space rage instead of road rage. Is that bird shit or cum on Derek’s lower lip?

Jon:  It’s bird cum.  Derek was blowing kiwis all afternoon and he missed some when he was cleaning up.  How bad does a planet of Charlie Mansons sound?

Sandy:  Well, it doesn’t sound great. Though Manson supposedly didn’t actually kill anyone himself, so… maybe it’s not as bad as it sounds? Is Barry stupid? He SAYS he isn’t, but then he stands with his back to an open building without checking inside for more aliens first. He also dropped his radio AND his gun for that army of aliens dressed like my Dad to grab as they chased him.

Jon:  Barry didn’t act very smart but I’m not sure he was stupid.  I think he was poorly trained and in desperate need of an experienced partner to guide him in person not over the radio.  Should you lock up your daughters when Ozzy comes to town?

Sandy:  He is pretty fly, but are they trying to say he’s a rapist? If so, he’s really the one who should be locked up. Why the fuck was Derek howling with that alien?

Jon:  Derek was an odd bird.  I think he was trying to communicate with the alien in a language that he thought the alien could understand.  Who’s your favorite Hobbit?

Sandy:  Either Sleepy or Sneezy. Can’t decide. Was Derek actually possibly a sociopath? 

Jon:  Should an organization called the Astro Investigation and Defence Service have changed its name?

Sandy: YES. Which alien was your favorite?

Jon:  Lord Crumb by far.  He had more personality than all the other aliens combined and he had that super cool accent.  How would you explain the disappearance of an entire town?

Sandy:  I’d say falling down one of those cliffs and getting washed out to sea. Like lemmings, but maybe not on purpose. Top tier special effects?

Jon:  Top tier for a low budget 1987 independent movie and really pretty darn good for any 1987 movie.  Do these alien people know how to use a weapon that’s not a hammer?

Sandy:  They did use that blond guy as a battering ram. Would you stop running to turn around and fake a machine gun noise in hopes of tricking an alien into thinking it had been shot if your gun ran out of ammo?

Jon:  Absolutely.  You don’t really have much choice.  I don’t think aliens get tired of chasing so anything you can do to distract them for a second helps.  Should Dereks run?

Sandy:  Yes, if they don’t want to get eaten or end up falling off a cliff and having their brains pop out of their heads. What were the alien farmers brains made out of???

Jon:  Mutton.  On a scale of 1-31 how unheroic is stepping in shit?

Sandy:  Wait… what do the numbers stand for? Like which end is heroic? And are you talking about for this movie in particular, or overall in general? Because there could conceivably be a situation in which someone steps in shit to save someone else from stepping in it and maybe that’s heroic? 

Jon:  There is no way accidentally stepping in shit is heroic.  Comedic-yes, heroic- no way.  Why can Derek kill them with body shots but Barry had to shoot them in the head?

Sandy:  Because he’s a Gryffindor and they are clearly the superior house. What was with that one alien eating the brains out of the blond alien’s exploded head? Are these aliens in disguise, or did they take over the bodies of existing townsfolk like Invasion of the Bodysnatchers? And why would they take over human bodies if they wanted to eat humans? And if they hadn’t taken over human bodies and were in their own disguises, why would he eat his fellow alien’s brains at all? Are they cannibals too? AND, were there marshmallows in that dead alien’s exploded head?

Jon:  We’ll start with the marshmallows.  It’s like candied yams, the marshmallows add to the goodness.  I believe they were aliens wearing people suits.  Like maybe they eat the insides out but discard the peels like bananas.  What would your Hobbit name be?

Sandy:  Derek. Is this movie more squirty in the blood department than Dead Alive?

Jon:  It’s about equal in terms of squirty-ness.  How many times did this movie make you want to move to New Zealand?

Sandy:  All the times. How cute was that little blue car though? 

Jon:  It was pretty cool but I spent half the time trying to determine if the Beatles’ facial expressions were changing.  How many times did you lose the desire to move to New Zealand when you couldn’t understand what they were saying?

Sandy:  I’ve already got my Siri voice set to an Australian dude, so it didn’t really bother me that much. Did you ever find manual car windows really that complicated to operate?

Jon:  Not complicated but they were a pain in the ass when you were driving but they aren’t as bad as the backseat windows that don’t go down all the way.  That always sucked.  Is Derek old Harry Potter with the scarf and glasses combo?

Sandy:  HA! You’re a wizard, Derek. Maybe that was Rowling’s original inspiration for the whole series. Would you turn your back on an alien with a mallet?

Jon:  I would never turn my back on an alien with a mallet, a ballot or a shallot.  Should you stop running away from someone trying to kill you to flip them off?

Sandy:  Haha, I guess it depends on how immature you are. It would be really satisfying, but only if you were for sure safe from them or maybe leading them into a trap. Did it make absolute perfect sense when they said birds were the only thing Derek could relate to?

Jon:  No doubt.  Do you have to be really good at walking up and down hills to live in New Zealand?

Sandy:  Apparently so. How awkward was Barry’s fall off the cliff?? Why did he freeze into a sitting position and just stay that way until he splattered on the rocks below?

Jon:  It was a brief moment of safety.  He had almost broken his fall but then he went splat.  Does Ozzy seem overly excited for there to be trouble?

Sandy:  Clearly, Ozzy is supposed to be a bad boy. And bad boys like trouble. 

Jon:  Would you be wondering why you were soaking in Reg’s 11 secret herbs and spices?

Sandy:  Homemade organic body wash? Why were so many of the seagulls that had landed around Derek after he fell down the cliff dead when he got back up?

Jon:  Derek consumes a lot of Alka-Seltzer and we all know what that does to gulls.  Derek seems okay right?

Sandy:  Oh yeah, for sure. Like the time I fell and literally broke my ass and I had to get  back up to follow my ex further into the woods because all he wanted to do was find a waterfall he didn’t actually know the way to. Just in case you’re wondering, breaking your tailbone is listed as one of the top most painful bones to break. Weeeee!!! 

Jon:  So the aliens represent a fast food restaurant?

Sandy:  Like a space KFC? Which place is it that boasts 11 herbs and spices? (It’s KFC, I looked it up.) Without looking it up, what would you guess the budget for this film to have been?

Jon:  $67.50  Would you eat that alien concoction?

Sandy:  No way man, I’ve got food allergies. I don’t know what’s in that shit. Maybe they love cashews. What’s the weirdest food you’ve ever eaten? Have I asked you that question in a previous blog? It’s seeming mighty familiar.

Jon:  I don’t think I’ve ever eaten anything particularly weird.  What do you think Hobbit tastes like?

Sandy:  Broken dreams and tiger balm. When Giles the stew guy was banging on that door asking to use the phone, did you think to yourself “sorry buddy, you’ll need a very tall ladder for that… it’s tangled up in the power lines”?

Jon:  No but I did think poor Giles could not have knocked on a worse door.  Should Derek be driving with a piece of his skull hanging off?

Sandy:  Derek’s don’t run, so he has to drive. Were you as impressed as I was by the choreography in the fight scenes?

Jon:  The fights were very impressive and fun.  I have very few complaints about Bad Taste as a whole.  Would half of an alien throwing pine cones at you make you not attack him with a chainsaw?

Sandy:  I’m a pretty empathetic person but fuck that creep. Did Derek seem a little bit too excited to be hammering a sword into that dude’s foot?

Jon:  It’s hard to say.  I stopped judging Derek’s decisions after his skull was falling off and leaking pieces of brain.  How hard is it to believe that the guy who made this went on to make Lord of the Rings?

Sandy:  We all have to start somewhere. A nicer budget helps a lot.

Jon:  Why did all the aliens' jeans turn into assless chaps?

Sandy:  Ummm… how did I miss that? Was I watching an edited version somehow??

Jon:  I hope not.  It was very erotic.  You should go back and watch again.  Is alien ass sexy?

Sandy:  Depends on the alien.

Jon:  Is Hobbit ass sexy?

Sandy:  Hobbit ass is adorable, but I’m not sure about sexy.

Jon:  Should every movie hero have a belt wrapped around their head to hold their brain in?

Sandy:  He’s a resourceful fella after my own heart. I feel like with my habit of taping myself back together after accidents that probably called for stitches or at least a hospital visit, he and I would get along swimmingly in an emergency injury type of scenario. 

Jon:  Is there any more fitting way for the movie to end than Derek disguised in an alien body?

Sandy:  No, though is he going to go back with them to their planet now? Or did eating the alien stew turn him into one of them for real? I think I kind of spaced on that. Did they barf into that bowl and then eat their own hot steaming barf, or did I imagine that?

Jon:  No I don’t think you imagined that.  It adds flavor.

 

Lessons

1. There is no shame in running away.

2. Aliens want to turn us into food.

Aviation History Month!!

 November is Aviation History Month.  I know it feels like we just did an aviation themed movie but there are so many wonderful airplane centered films that we need to watch.  So to celebrate, we watched Flight 7500. Flight 7500 is (very loosely) inspired by the true story of Helios Airways Flight 522 so if you know that story, you know where this movie is going.  If not, settle in for the twists and turns of a flight that may or may not be haunted and celebrate the history of flight.

Questions

Jon:  Should you ever get married after 3 months?

Sandy:  Maybe if one of you has a definitively terminal illness and will absolutely die within another 3 months. Do I need to change the settings on my TV, or was this movie dark as fuck?

Jon:  You might need to change your settings but this was also a very dimly-lit movie.  I think it was intentionally lit that way to add tension.  Did she say mine the fort instead of man the fort?

Sandy:  Ha! I don’t think I caught that one, but I am sincerely hoping it was the former. I feel like we just watched something where this same blond actress played a flight attendant… am I delirious?

Jon:  Nope she just looks like someone from Flight of the Living Dead.  Does anyone say cattle class?

Sandy:  Being an airplane virgin, I’m not hip to the lingo of the skies. Is this going to be the trip of a lifetime, Jon?

Jon:  It’s going to be the final trip of a lifetime for sure.  Does this lady have too many rules to fly?

Sandy:  This lady has too many rules to breathe. Why would anyone marry her??? Are you allowed to eat Chinese food takeout on a plane???

Jon:  I’m not sure about whether you’re allowed to eat Chinese food on a plane but you probably shouldn’t for a couple reasons.  For one, it tends to be pungent and that’s inconsiderate of your fellow passengers.  Also, that’s a long flight and Chinese food can run right through you.  I cannot think of many poop situations worse than an airplane.  Could you spend 3 weeks with someone you were planning to divorce?

Sandy:  I think I for real lived together with my first ex for 2 or 3 months after we broke up. BUT, I doubt that’s something a functional person would do, so…. Weeeeee! Are fat people with babies worse than thin people with babies?

Jon:  People with babies on planes suck in general.  Fat, skinny or any other body type mainly because babies are so fucking loud.  How badly do you want those boots?  I want them but they don’t come in my size.

Sandy:  I actually already own TWO pairs of pots like those. One pair is fluorescent yellow and the other is neon pink. It’s very difficult to cross your legs comfortably while wearing them. How many actresses did you recognize from other things you’ve seen? I counted at least 3.

Jon:  At least 4 of them.  Two of them were in Rob Zombie’s Halloween II (Scout Taylor-Compton and Nicky Whelan).  How uncomfortable is it when you hear a guy on your flight talking about gouging eyeballs out?

Sandy:  I have had many an eye-gouging centered conversation myself, so I’d probably just eavesdrop and pop in with my own fantastical anecdotes. But I imagine it might be quite uncomfortable for the neurotypicals. Does the soundtrack ever leave any real hope for the potential outcome of the movie?

Jon:  None whatsoever especially after the opening scene seems to be a massive hint about the end.  Would you eat jalapeno chips before a trans-Pacific flight?  

Sandy:  I wouldn’t eat jalapeño chips unless I was already sitting on my toilet ready to shit. Do you remember the story about my ex and our 25-hour straight drive to Texas for that film festival? He ate an obscene amount of Subway sandwich shop jalapeños right when we crossed into the next time zone and I ended up having to repeatedly pull over on the highway so he could literally shit his way through the entire state of Kentucky or wherever the fuck we were. Piles of explosive fire shits and bits of my emergency car toilet paper coated that highway like a fucking slip n’ slide. Would you put your face directly in front of someone’s gaping blood-spewing mouth hole?

Jon:  Only if I were an EMT trying to save him and even then it’s up in the air.  Is every guy on this flight shady?

Sandy:  That’s the exact question every woman asks herself every day, multiple times per day, whenever she has to go someplace where men end up also being. The answer is yes. Every time, in every scenario. Every guy on the flight, every guy at the supermarket. Ya’ll are a bunch of total creeps. Fuck you, Jon. Is there supposed to be a standard place for dead bodies on a plane?

Jon:  I would imagine so but I doubt that place is in the first class section of the plane.  How hard would you punch the woman showing you her wedding pictures for a whole flight?

Sandy:  I would take whatever device she was using to show them to me and throw it full force across the cabin. Then I would kick her straight in the twat. Orrrrr, maybe I’d start one of those eye gouging conversations and see how long it took her to never speak to me again. What would you do to make her stop showing you her fucking stupid cocksucking wedding pictures?

Jon:  I would politely explain that no one gives a shit about her stupid fucking wedding and to stick the pictures up her puckered brown eye.  Then I’d puke on her.  How unsettling is it when you hear a page for a medical professional in a place where that shouldn’t happen?

Sandy:  No sir, I don’t like it. Didn’t seem like anyone was jumping up to help for a little bit. When that guy finally got up and said he was an EMT, I was like “WHY THE FUCK DIDN’T YOU GET UP RIGHT WHEN SHE FIRST ASKED???” Is there any plane-themed movie we could watch that might actually make me WANT to get on a flight at some point? 

Jon:  Nope.  I think every plane movie involves some kind of crash or other nightmare scenario.  Assma not asthma?

Sandy:  I like to say Ass-mar. Why would they show that episode of The Twilight Zone on a fucking plane??

Jon:  It’s a very curious in-flight viewing choice.  Might as well watch the Airport movies next.  Would you give that guy mouth to mouth?

Sandy:  Haha, I asked a similar question earlier. That’s a big old no for me. Seriously, did they film it in pitch black to save money on special effects?

Jon:  The effects budget has to have been pretty small anyway.  If a guy dies on your flight, do you cancel your trip?

Sandy:  If I’m already on the plane to my destination, no fucking way. It’s already booked. What can I do about this dead guy by cancelling my fun trip? Nothing. Did you start getting the same major Scooby-Doo vibes I was getting from the passengers on this flight?

Jon:  Like they were going to pull a mask off the dead guy and found the real villain was the co-pilot all along?  No.  Can death not be a part of your life?

Sandy:  No. Even if you magically discovered the secret to immortality for yourself, other people and animals and plants and suns and so on and so forth would eventually be dying around you. There’s no escaping it. Weaponized cancer spray?

Jon:  Might as well.  If someone figured out a way to weaponize cancer, we’d probably use it.  Why does the dead guy need his seatbelt on?

Sandy:  So he doesn’t flop out of the seat and roll down the aisle where he might then topple down the stairs into the lower part of the plane. Why was his wrist gooey already when that dude stole his watch?

Jon:  Maybe from the lack of oxygen or just so it looked gross.  Why would you bring a pregnancy test onto a plane?

Sandy:  Free first class upgrade? How many times is this bitch going to get knocked out in the fucking bathroom??? And with her boot sticking out into the hall? Do you think that was recycled footage?

Jon:  Nope I think it only happened once because she died the first time.  How much shit would be in your pants if a plane you were on lost cabin pressure?

Sandy:  All of the shit, Jon. Like, my shit and your shit and anyone else’s shit who was in my vicinity. I’d be taking other peoples’ shit and stuffing it into my own pants from terrified delirium. Why didn’t they check the cargo hold immediately after being unable to locate a passenger??

Jon:  I think it’s really difficult to get into the cargo hold as a passenger so it’s really low on the list of places to check.  How much do you pray that you don’t ever need emergency medical care while you’re on the toilet?

Sandy:  You don’t want to go out like The King? I just hope if I do need that medical care, it’s after I’ve sprayed my butthole with my bidet and flushed. If that flight attendant had been fatter she wouldn’t have gotten sucked into the overhead compartment. Why didn’t anyone try to fucking save her after she got sucked in???

Jon:  If I’ve learned anything from watching airplane disaster movies, once she’s sucked that far out there’s no saving her.  Where is the air marshall?

Sandy:  Maybe they’re trapped in that doll. What do you think an air Marshall would have been able to do about that situation?

Jon:  Shoot the plane.  Calm the passengers.  Reign in the irresponsible passenger led investigation.  Why did no one hear that dude scream?

Sandy:  No one hears anybody scream on that flight, apparently. How much fucking money do you think we could make if we invented something that enabled people to turn their own volume down so they could scream at full force whenever they wanted and it wouldn’t disturb anyone else? As I was typing that question, I also realized that it could be used for nefarious purposes AND that if we did invent it we should make it available for free because being alive is a fucking almost constantly scream worthy event.

Jon:  The world would be an even more annoying place if we did that.  All those screams you contain because of where you are would now be low volume screams all day.  That’s a hard pass from me.  Why can no one hear screams on this plane?

Sandy:  Ha! Soundproof air? 

Jon:  The dead guy worked at Overlook something.  Get the reference?

Sandy:  You are talking to a Stephen King fanatic, fucker. Do you think they hired a hand model for the role of haunting spirit? How many times did hands just reach out from somewhere?

Jon:  Those were amateur hand model hands at best.  I would have done it for less and I have top level hands.  Could they have found anything creepier in his luggage?

Sandy:  Maybe like a plastic baggy of other peoples’ foreskins? Why did no one seemed concerned about how that doll was moving???

Jon:  The moving doll was the least of their worries by then.  What a twist?

Sandy:  In my notes I have written “THAT’S THE ENDING????” That shit was so dumb. I know someone was trying to be super clever, but it just seemed muddy to me. Had they slipped into another dimension? Were they trapped in some kind of purgatory? Did the doll cause it? Was it a storm? What the fuck was going on? What was your interpretation of what happened at the end of this movie?

Jon:  They were all dead from the first time they lost cabin pressure.  The goth chick was talking about accepting death and the release but the rest of the passengers had not accepted that they had died so they continued on until they were forced to realize they were dead.  I actually really liked that twist.

 

Lessons

1. Don’t force wedding photos on people.  No one wants to see hundreds of photos of people they don’t know.

2. Don’t steal from corpses.