The Movie
Rare Exports opens on Korvatunturi, a mountain in Finland near the Russian border said to be home to Santa Claus, where the SubZero Company has drilled into the mountain. Deep in this mountain they have struck a layer which excites the owner of the company. The layer? Saw dust. Not only does he want the drill team to go deeper, he also distributes a new set of safety instructions which include no cursing and no smoking. It turns out the mining company may be grave robbers. Two young local kids. Pietari and Juosso, have snuck onto the drilling site by cutting a whole in a fence and are watching the proceedings. Pietari thinks Santa is buried in the mountain but Juosso thinks he’s just a baby but Pietari goes home and reads up on Santa lore just in case. What he finds is not the kindly, benevolent, gift-giving fat guy we know but an evil child killing monster. He is not Krampus but he is surely not Saint Nick either. In the morning, Pietari’s father, Rauno, yells for him to wake up after he has finished digging a trap in the yard. Rauno then goes into his slaughterhouse to butcher a pig while his son runs around outside in the middle of a Fnnish winter in his underwear and pisses in the yard. Rauno is more concerned with his son seeing the dead pig than with him getting pneumonia.
The pair then dress and head out for the big, local reindeer roundup. Piiparinen has built an electrified pen to herd the reindeer into but only two small reindeer show up. Concerned the trio, joined by Juosso and his father Aimo, head out to find the reindeer and discover them slaughtered right outside the SubZero fence. The reindeer were the primary income source for the village and Aimo, the apparent math wizard, determines they have lost a lot of money and they all face financial ruin. Pietari is particularly worried. He thinks he and Juosso may have unleashed the reindeer killer by cutting through the fence and that the killer is Santa. The group goes inside the fence to find the site abandoned. SubZero has moved their headquarters but the new safety protocols seem to be ineffective.
Christmas morning arrives and the town is thrown into weirdness. Pietari again goes outside in his underwear to pee and notice the trap has been sprung, Rauno goes to investigate and finds a man in the trap. He ushers Pietari back inside and Piiparinen comes over to help him move the body into the slaughterhouse. The old man is not wearing many clothes and has an American passport which says he is much younger than he appears to be. He is also not dead. Elsewhere in the town, radiators have been stolen and someone has stolen all of Aimo’s potato sacks- not the potatoes just the sacks. Also Juosso has been replaced by a creepy straw doll but the sheriff thinks he’s just out chasing girls. Pietari does some investigating for himself and finds all his friends are missing and implores Rauno to whip him for his sins so Santa doesn’t take him. Things only get weirder from there but to tell anymore would spoil the fun. Who is the naked not dead guy? What did SubZero think they were digging up? Why is the old guy obsessed with Pietari? Is Piiparinen the Finnish Corey Hart? Does anyone in Finland wear pants?
Why Did I Choose This Movie
Rare Exports was the choice over 11 other Christmas movies this year because it’s just a really good, fun movie. It’s a different take on the holiday with moments of humor, horror and what the fuck did I just see. The Christmas horror genre grows every year. Many of these do not hold up over time but Rare Exports will. Don’t believe me? It’s on Amazon Prime. Go watch it. If you are horror averse, it’s not overly scary nor is it very gory. The one warning I will give is if you are uncomfortable seeing old man dicks, you will be very uncomfortable with Rare Exports. There’s a lot of old man dick like an inordinate, fetishistic amount of old man dick.
Lessons
- Grave robbing is bad and dangerous. No matter what safety precautions you put in place, something will always go wrong. The grave you’re robbing will contain something more than the cheap trinkets you'll steal. Also, it’s a pretty sleazy thing to do and you probably have no morals.
- Taping the last day of your advent calendar closed will not stop Christmas from coming. Time does not go by a calendar. Days will pass regardless of whether you follow one or not so eat the chocolate and prepare for Santa.
- Don’t put bear traps in the chimney. It is a very dangerous practice. Someone might lose a hand trying to start a fire. Also, I’m betting it isn’t good for the chimney itself. I’m no chimney expert but the chimney sweep is coming in a couple weeks so I'll ask him. I’m sure he gets the question all the time so I’m sure it won’t be weird or lead to him refusing to clean my chimney.
- Finland is a badass place filled with badass people. They can take down anything. Soviets in World War II- yep. Crazed Santas- Sure. Not only can they take them down, they can monetize them. They don’t need pants outside in the middle of winter. Hell even their Santa is a badass with fifteen foot horns. Don’t fuck with Finland.
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