National Cookie Day

December 4th is National Cookie Day.  There’s no way we could miss this day.  I love cookies, especially a freshly-baked chocolate chip cookie.  To celebrate, we watched Gingerdead Man, the story of a murderer reincarnated in a gingerbread man.  I don’t like gingerbread cookies, particularly ones that taste like Gary Busey. But maybe you do.  So pop a batch of your favorite cookies in the oven, read the blog and watch Gingerdead Man.

Questions

Jon:  Should an old man without a gun attempt to stop Gary Busey with or without a gun?

Sandy:  No. I'm not even sure it's safe for a swat team to try and stop Gary Busey from doing anything. That dude's a full-fledged drug-fueled super strength psycho. Unrelated aside; I'm pretty sure I used the same stock screaming sound they used for a halloween promotional video at work. Also, who robs a fucking diner, outside of Pulp Fiction?

Jon:  I think it could be a very good plan.  If it’s a diner that does good business, there should be a good amount of cash without any security guards and probably few, if any, cameras.  Does it smell feminine?

Sandy:  We don't like to tell men about this, but women actually walk around spraying their feminine anal gland juices wherever they go, like feral cats. Would you walk towards a dude with a gun who had just shot a lady in the head at a fucking diner?

Jon:  Probably not but you just never know.  Does he sound like a sissy boy or a high school principal?

Sandy:  I'd say he sounds more like a high school principal or a guidance counselor. Were you as confused as I was when Busey told that chick that she should go somewhere safe next time she goes out? Would you not generally consider diners a safe place to go to?

Jon:  Depends on the time of day I guess.  Late at night, diners attract a strange mix of drunks, kids and drunk kids and that doesn’t mix well.  When will these kids learn?

Sandy:  When they aren't kids anymore?

Jon:  Does he have to honor his mother?

Sandy:  I'm not sure how shooting a random person in a diner is what's required for honoring his mother... I totally didn't get that shit. Especially since we didn't really know anything about his mother at that point anyway. It's not like in Goonies with the Fratelli gang, where you can see what a shitbag the mother is the whole time so it makes sense. Why is it always their fucking mother's fault when someone is a complete psychopath? In all honesty, I can relate though. Minus the murdering. So far.

Jon:  I think in Millard’s case, it’s because he really loves her but he’s so fucked up he thinks he’s honoring her by killing people and robbing diner.  There’s also some psychological thing and I read a couple articles before I answered this question but I still really don’t get it.  If your soul was baked into a cookie what kind would it be and why?

Sandy:  Hmmm... I think I'd WANT my soul baked into a chocolate chip cookie because that's really my favorite kind of cookie, but it would probably get baked into a sugar cookie. Not exactly what I'd been hoping for, but also pretty tasty. Same question for you!

Jon:  I would also like to be a chocolate chip cookie but I’d probably be oatmeal raisin -- kind of dull with the occasional bite of what you hope is a raisin but could be a mouse turd.  If some mystery person in a black robe dropped a box of ingredients at your back porch would you use it?

Sandy:  Fuck no. That's legitimately insane. ONE BOX of "gingerbread seasoning" just dumped at the back door? No. Would you be excited or terrified if Amazon drivers wore long black hooded cloaks as their delivery uniforms?

Jon:  I would be super excited but I think most people would be scared.  Does the ultimate birthday experience always involve a titty bar?

Sandy:  No. Sometimes it involves a peener bar. Is saying "aw heck" and then bleeding into the seasoning standard first aid procedure at every bakery?

Jon:  Absolutely.  The faint taste of blood is also the best part of a gingerbread cookie.  Does 2 days sound like a very short time period for a prison to ship ashes to someone?

Sandy:  Yes. Unless they just sent her ashes from the cigarette cans around the prison. Was that bakery employee chick a little over excited about the execution? And why be weirded out by the prison sending a mother the ashes of her executed son? What else would they do with his ashes?

Jon:  Apparently, if they are unclaimed they are buried in a prison cemetery.  I think Julia was trying to help her friend in her excitement over the execution but it did seem misplaced.  Is Mrs. Leigh old, drunken, gun-toting Cinderella?

Sandy:  She's definitely a bit of a distressed drunk and older than the other bakery employees, but I'm not sure I'd consider her to be OLD. Why Cinderella?

Jon:  Between the white apron, blue dress and blonde hair, she kind of looked like Cinderella.  You listen here girl?

Sandy:  Don't you tell me where to listen.

Jon:  Is progress really out with the old in with the new?

Sandy:  I feel like progress is more about evolution, which isn't always completely getting rid of the old and bringing in all new ideas or things or people. I have heard, though, that happiness is a warm gun. Did you love that bakery dude's wrestling persona as much as I did? I didn't write his name or the name of his wrestling character down, what were they??!!

Jon:  He was The Butcher Baker.  The character’s name was Brick.  Many of the characters had cookie, candy or food themed names.  Jimmy Dean and Lorna (Doone)  Dean.  Sara Leigh.  Amos Cadbury.  Does $50,000 really sound like enough money for the bakery?

Sandy:  No way, that place was pretty huge. That scumbag was trying to prey on Sarah and her mom's grief. Does using human blood seasoning in your baked goods lower the value of your bakery?

Jon:  Not if your customers are vampires.  Are these overly large gingerbread men?

Sandy:  Oh my god, what the fuck was with that?? Have you had gingerbread? It's gross! Why would anyone want a gingerbread man the size of an actual human toddler??? Was the baker's blood necessary for bringing Millard back to life? Or just someone's blood in general? I'm not familiar with baking related resurrection spells, please enlighten me.

Jon:  I don’t think it could have been.  A lot of things would have to go right in that case.  Maybe the blood just supercharges the reincarnated cookie.  Does this seem like an elaborate and far-fetched series of events to reincarnate a murderer in a cookie?

Sandy:  YESSSSS. It's supposed to be Millard's mother who caused this reincarnation, but if she had the power to bring him back to life WHY THE FUCK WOULD SHE WANT HER SON REINCARNATED AS A FUCKING COOKIE????

Jon:  Charles Lee Ray reincarnated himself in a Good Guy doll.  Maybe she’s just an amateur and a cookie is the best she can do.  If a cookie runs out of your oven, do you stand around and talk to it?

Sandy:  I guess it would depend on whether or not the cookie seemed like a fucking creep. If it was a kind-hearted cookie, I might chill and talk to it after the initial shock had worn off. Did that cookie dough mixture look awfully similar to The Stuff for a minute? And was that kewpie doll hand that reached out of it giving the finger, or was that just wishful thinking on my part?

Jon:  I think they bake with The Stuff to make their cookies more addictive.  And yes, that cookie definitely flipped the bird.  Is this black magic shit for real?

Sandy:  I guess we'll find out if you grow a pair of uneven hairy tits on your forehead after the spell I try out later tonight. Could cookie man Millard win Miss Pretty Face of Waco?

Jon:  No that’s Lorna’s title.  Why is it so hard for these idiots to decide to run away?

Sandy:  They're in a horror movie, JON. It is extremely rare for anyone to make a sound logical decision in a horror movie. Was cookie man Millard eating other cookies?? Do you think he knew he was cannibalizing his inanimate brothers?

Jon:  I don’t think cookie Millard gave 2 shits about cannibalism.  He knew and took great joy in eating other cookies.  How much dough can you make from a talking cookie?

Sandy:  OHHHH!! You're so punny. A belch and a man's maniacal laughter reminded her of her daughter?

Jon:  She was a gassy girl with an awful laugh so it makes sense.  Is that the ugliest gingerbread man you’ve ever seen?

Sandy:  Oh my god, whyyyyyyy. Why did he look like that??? Was that the worst most pathetic pie throwing you've ever seen?? 

Jon:  It was the second worst.  The worst was Mandy Spindler in 1987.  She threw a pie at me and completely missed.  How long did it take you to tire of the one liners?

Sandy:  It was pretty bad, though "ever try a lady finger" was kiiiind of funny. Why does this fucker keep tormenting this fucking family and their friends??

Jon:  They are unfinished business and horror movie killers hate unfinished business.  Should Amos be leading any group?

Sandy:  I think he could have potential for leadership maybe. Just not so much in this film. Damn those tattoo punks?

Jon:  Damn them to hell.  Does it beat a punch in the nose?

Sandy:  I don't know. I'd need to experience both things to know for sure I guess? I think you and Alison should dress as cookie man Millard and the bakery employee they found in the freezer covered in frosting with cherry nipples for Halloween next year. Which one of you would be Millard?

Jon:  I would be the dead cherry-nippled employee because of how much my nipples are like cherries.  How dumb is the title Miss Pretty Face Waco?  Do you think there’s a lot of competition for that title?

Sandy:  It's dumb, but more honest and direct than Miss Universe or Miss America, or whatever those other beauty contests are called. I think if it's in Waco Texas there's probably a whole lot of competition for something like that. I hear women are only allowed to wear makeup and be impregnated in Texas, so it's probably a pretty important event there. Do you think Millard is extra angry because he came back as the world's least delicious cookie?

Jon:  He seems like the kind of lunatic who would like gingerbread.  I think that was regular angry Millard only in cookie form.  They really should have run away sooner right?

Sandy:  What they really should have done was stomp the fuck out of that goddamn cookie to crumbs the minute it popped out of the oven and started talking. Do you think Miss Pretty Face of Waco actually gave a shit about her "Daddy", or anyone else for that matter?

Jon:  I think she cared about daddy’s money but not any actual people who weren’t the reigning Miss Pretty Face of Waco.  Do you understand the phrase “Get your goat”?

Sandy:  Yes. It means to piss someone off. If you have goats and someone takes one you'd be pissed off, soooo....  A smart, pretty girl like you can be whatever she wants? What about dumb ugly chicks? Or smart ugly chicks? 

Jon:  I think smart, ugly people in general can be almost anything they want but life is hard for us dumb ugly people.  Is the Gingerdead Man shooting a gun the most bizarre part of the movie?

Sandy:  Not even close. Though it was quite enjoyable. Was the music when Sarah's mother was in the oven straight out of a Simpson's Treehouse of Horror special?

Jon:  Definitely.  Does eating him seem like a great idea?  That has to at least cause diarrhea right?

Sandy:  So fucking gross, and also he's eating his own blood because he bled right into the seasoning that went into the dough.

Jon:  What part of this story will be hardest to explain to the police?

Sandy:  Every part. All of the parts, Jon. Every single one. Did he just lick her fucking head LIKE YOU DID TO ME WHEN I SHAVED MY MOHAWK SIDES, YOU SICK FUCK???

Jon:Oh yeah… I did that.  

Lessons

1. If you receive food stuffs from an unknown source, don’t eat them.

2. Run away from walking, talking cookies.

3. If you are in the middle of an unusual occurrence and call for help, don’t tell the truth.

Happy Gluten-Free Diet Awareness Month

 November is Gluten-Free Diet Awareness Month.  Now that you’re aware to be aware of gluten-free diets, you should watch Bad Taste. Bad Taste is the first movie directed by Peter Jackson. but there are no Hobbits in this movie, only human-eating aliens hiding inside the hollowed out bodies of humans.  So grab some popcorn (it’s gluten-free) watch Bad Taste and enjoy our blog.  Perhaps you can learn to make the human gruel the aliens enjoy, which surely has a gluten-free alternative, mainly a base of gluten-free people.

Questions

Jon:  Peter Jackson?  In our blog?  Seem a little mainstream for us?

Sandy:  Um… this wacky shit is most definitely not mainstream, no matter who is responsible for making it, although my friend Cookie knew it very well. He told me it was Jackson’s first real movie and that it took 3 years to film this because it was just Jackson and a few of his friends filming on weekends. How Spencer Gifts/Hot Topic were those handle candles? 

Jon:  They are probably my second favorite candles of all time just behind the Toht Raiders of the Lost Ark melting head candles.  Is this a job for real men?

Sandy:  Clearly, these aliens were quite hungry. Requesting real men be sent to the town to handle the situation is actually pretty brilliant, since it seemed that they had already eaten everyone else. Did you initially think that dude had a tiny baby hand before realizing it was a finger with a bandaid holding that doodad to it? (I didn’t write down what was taped to the severed finger and cannot remember and am also too lazy to double check. Was it a pipe or a cigarette holder?)

Jon:  Shit I don’t remember either.  I think it’s possible I thought it was a baby hand right up until you told me it wasn’t.  How many last chances are too many last chances?

Sandy:  Don’t ask me, I’m the queen of giving people too many last chances. Do you think the aliens threw that phone up into the power lines to stop a victim from calling for help, or do you think it was already there like shoes in the Bronx and they just used it because it was hilarious? ORRRRR, do you think ripping a telephone out of someone’s wall and throwing it up into the power lines is just a New Zealand thing?

Jon: Maybe it’s a combination of all three.  New Zealand aliens rip phones out of walls to prevent people from calling for help and signal where the drug dealer lives.  Why can’t aliens be friendly?

Sandy:  I’d imagine it’s because they traveled so far to get there and lots of people get cranky after a long trip. Like space rage instead of road rage. Is that bird shit or cum on Derek’s lower lip?

Jon:  It’s bird cum.  Derek was blowing kiwis all afternoon and he missed some when he was cleaning up.  How bad does a planet of Charlie Mansons sound?

Sandy:  Well, it doesn’t sound great. Though Manson supposedly didn’t actually kill anyone himself, so… maybe it’s not as bad as it sounds? Is Barry stupid? He SAYS he isn’t, but then he stands with his back to an open building without checking inside for more aliens first. He also dropped his radio AND his gun for that army of aliens dressed like my Dad to grab as they chased him.

Jon:  Barry didn’t act very smart but I’m not sure he was stupid.  I think he was poorly trained and in desperate need of an experienced partner to guide him in person not over the radio.  Should you lock up your daughters when Ozzy comes to town?

Sandy:  He is pretty fly, but are they trying to say he’s a rapist? If so, he’s really the one who should be locked up. Why the fuck was Derek howling with that alien?

Jon:  Derek was an odd bird.  I think he was trying to communicate with the alien in a language that he thought the alien could understand.  Who’s your favorite Hobbit?

Sandy:  Either Sleepy or Sneezy. Can’t decide. Was Derek actually possibly a sociopath? 

Jon:  Should an organization called the Astro Investigation and Defence Service have changed its name?

Sandy: YES. Which alien was your favorite?

Jon:  Lord Crumb by far.  He had more personality than all the other aliens combined and he had that super cool accent.  How would you explain the disappearance of an entire town?

Sandy:  I’d say falling down one of those cliffs and getting washed out to sea. Like lemmings, but maybe not on purpose. Top tier special effects?

Jon:  Top tier for a low budget 1987 independent movie and really pretty darn good for any 1987 movie.  Do these alien people know how to use a weapon that’s not a hammer?

Sandy:  They did use that blond guy as a battering ram. Would you stop running to turn around and fake a machine gun noise in hopes of tricking an alien into thinking it had been shot if your gun ran out of ammo?

Jon:  Absolutely.  You don’t really have much choice.  I don’t think aliens get tired of chasing so anything you can do to distract them for a second helps.  Should Dereks run?

Sandy:  Yes, if they don’t want to get eaten or end up falling off a cliff and having their brains pop out of their heads. What were the alien farmers brains made out of???

Jon:  Mutton.  On a scale of 1-31 how unheroic is stepping in shit?

Sandy:  Wait… what do the numbers stand for? Like which end is heroic? And are you talking about for this movie in particular, or overall in general? Because there could conceivably be a situation in which someone steps in shit to save someone else from stepping in it and maybe that’s heroic? 

Jon:  There is no way accidentally stepping in shit is heroic.  Comedic-yes, heroic- no way.  Why can Derek kill them with body shots but Barry had to shoot them in the head?

Sandy:  Because he’s a Gryffindor and they are clearly the superior house. What was with that one alien eating the brains out of the blond alien’s exploded head? Are these aliens in disguise, or did they take over the bodies of existing townsfolk like Invasion of the Bodysnatchers? And why would they take over human bodies if they wanted to eat humans? And if they hadn’t taken over human bodies and were in their own disguises, why would he eat his fellow alien’s brains at all? Are they cannibals too? AND, were there marshmallows in that dead alien’s exploded head?

Jon:  We’ll start with the marshmallows.  It’s like candied yams, the marshmallows add to the goodness.  I believe they were aliens wearing people suits.  Like maybe they eat the insides out but discard the peels like bananas.  What would your Hobbit name be?

Sandy:  Derek. Is this movie more squirty in the blood department than Dead Alive?

Jon:  It’s about equal in terms of squirty-ness.  How many times did this movie make you want to move to New Zealand?

Sandy:  All the times. How cute was that little blue car though? 

Jon:  It was pretty cool but I spent half the time trying to determine if the Beatles’ facial expressions were changing.  How many times did you lose the desire to move to New Zealand when you couldn’t understand what they were saying?

Sandy:  I’ve already got my Siri voice set to an Australian dude, so it didn’t really bother me that much. Did you ever find manual car windows really that complicated to operate?

Jon:  Not complicated but they were a pain in the ass when you were driving but they aren’t as bad as the backseat windows that don’t go down all the way.  That always sucked.  Is Derek old Harry Potter with the scarf and glasses combo?

Sandy:  HA! You’re a wizard, Derek. Maybe that was Rowling’s original inspiration for the whole series. Would you turn your back on an alien with a mallet?

Jon:  I would never turn my back on an alien with a mallet, a ballot or a shallot.  Should you stop running away from someone trying to kill you to flip them off?

Sandy:  Haha, I guess it depends on how immature you are. It would be really satisfying, but only if you were for sure safe from them or maybe leading them into a trap. Did it make absolute perfect sense when they said birds were the only thing Derek could relate to?

Jon:  No doubt.  Do you have to be really good at walking up and down hills to live in New Zealand?

Sandy:  Apparently so. How awkward was Barry’s fall off the cliff?? Why did he freeze into a sitting position and just stay that way until he splattered on the rocks below?

Jon:  It was a brief moment of safety.  He had almost broken his fall but then he went splat.  Does Ozzy seem overly excited for there to be trouble?

Sandy:  Clearly, Ozzy is supposed to be a bad boy. And bad boys like trouble. 

Jon:  Would you be wondering why you were soaking in Reg’s 11 secret herbs and spices?

Sandy:  Homemade organic body wash? Why were so many of the seagulls that had landed around Derek after he fell down the cliff dead when he got back up?

Jon:  Derek consumes a lot of Alka-Seltzer and we all know what that does to gulls.  Derek seems okay right?

Sandy:  Oh yeah, for sure. Like the time I fell and literally broke my ass and I had to get  back up to follow my ex further into the woods because all he wanted to do was find a waterfall he didn’t actually know the way to. Just in case you’re wondering, breaking your tailbone is listed as one of the top most painful bones to break. Weeeee!!! 

Jon:  So the aliens represent a fast food restaurant?

Sandy:  Like a space KFC? Which place is it that boasts 11 herbs and spices? (It’s KFC, I looked it up.) Without looking it up, what would you guess the budget for this film to have been?

Jon:  $67.50  Would you eat that alien concoction?

Sandy:  No way man, I’ve got food allergies. I don’t know what’s in that shit. Maybe they love cashews. What’s the weirdest food you’ve ever eaten? Have I asked you that question in a previous blog? It’s seeming mighty familiar.

Jon:  I don’t think I’ve ever eaten anything particularly weird.  What do you think Hobbit tastes like?

Sandy:  Broken dreams and tiger balm. When Giles the stew guy was banging on that door asking to use the phone, did you think to yourself “sorry buddy, you’ll need a very tall ladder for that… it’s tangled up in the power lines”?

Jon:  No but I did think poor Giles could not have knocked on a worse door.  Should Derek be driving with a piece of his skull hanging off?

Sandy:  Derek’s don’t run, so he has to drive. Were you as impressed as I was by the choreography in the fight scenes?

Jon:  The fights were very impressive and fun.  I have very few complaints about Bad Taste as a whole.  Would half of an alien throwing pine cones at you make you not attack him with a chainsaw?

Sandy:  I’m a pretty empathetic person but fuck that creep. Did Derek seem a little bit too excited to be hammering a sword into that dude’s foot?

Jon:  It’s hard to say.  I stopped judging Derek’s decisions after his skull was falling off and leaking pieces of brain.  How hard is it to believe that the guy who made this went on to make Lord of the Rings?

Sandy:  We all have to start somewhere. A nicer budget helps a lot.

Jon:  Why did all the aliens' jeans turn into assless chaps?

Sandy:  Ummm… how did I miss that? Was I watching an edited version somehow??

Jon:  I hope not.  It was very erotic.  You should go back and watch again.  Is alien ass sexy?

Sandy:  Depends on the alien.

Jon:  Is Hobbit ass sexy?

Sandy:  Hobbit ass is adorable, but I’m not sure about sexy.

Jon:  Should every movie hero have a belt wrapped around their head to hold their brain in?

Sandy:  He’s a resourceful fella after my own heart. I feel like with my habit of taping myself back together after accidents that probably called for stitches or at least a hospital visit, he and I would get along swimmingly in an emergency injury type of scenario. 

Jon:  Is there any more fitting way for the movie to end than Derek disguised in an alien body?

Sandy:  No, though is he going to go back with them to their planet now? Or did eating the alien stew turn him into one of them for real? I think I kind of spaced on that. Did they barf into that bowl and then eat their own hot steaming barf, or did I imagine that?

Jon:  No I don’t think you imagined that.  It adds flavor.

 

Lessons

1. There is no shame in running away.

2. Aliens want to turn us into food.