It’s Black Friday! On Black Friday, millions of Americans line up at ungodly hours, pile into retail stores, often unwashed and still farting Thanksgiving dinner farts and beat the shit out of one another to save a couple dollars. It’s amazing and appalling that this is still a thing we’re willing to do. Meanwhile, underpaid retail workers have to deal with the stupidity of grown adults arguing over who gets this year’s Cabbage Patch kid. How could any of this possibly be any worse? Well, in Black Friday, it gets much worse when alien beings begin to possess the shoppers making them slightly more dangerous than normal. As more and more shoppers fall victim, the employees face a seemingly insurmountable dilemma. Can they survive the aliens? Why are we still doing Black Friday?
Questions
Jon: Does the girls’ description of Grant sound just like you and me? Using Axe body spray and farting all the time. That’s my kind of guy. SANDY: Maybe the two overpowering stinks will cancel each other out. That, or it’ll be like a nuclear bomb of stinks.
Alison: I love axe body spray so I'm not really sure what their problem is.
Jon: Turn that frown upside down. You look like you don’t want to work Thanksgiving. Who does?
SANDY: Yo. I had to work on Thanksgiving at MICHAELS ARTS AND CRAFTS STORE once. That was so fucking shitty. Who is rushing to finish their family meal so they can buy fucking YARN?
Alison: I am grateful that I've never worked on Thanksgiving.
Jon: Is liquor in your coffee the best way to prepare to work on Black, sorry Green, Friday?’
SANDY: That’s a regular daily activity at my place of business.
Alison: Everyone has their different ways of coping I guess.
Jon: How much do you want a Dour Dennis?
SANDY: I do feel a strong kinship with that thing. I feel like I’d want a bunch of them to hide at people’s houses.
Alison: I do love Dour Dennis. He's hilarious.
Jon: If someone says “full disclose” to you, how quickly do they get punched?
SANDY: I’d do it immediately so I could feel like my punch is what stopped the rest of the word from being spoken.
Alison: full disclose, I'm cool with it. Ouch!
Jon: Did you know the police have a voice mail?
SANDY: Haha, that’s the safest cop there is!
Alison: police voice mail must also be full on black Friday.
Jon: Do you enjoy going to black Friday sales at actual stores ? SANDY: Is this a trick question? Fuck no. Though I might consider going to a random store with treats for their employees to survive the day.
Alison: Hell no! You've both worked on Black Friday right? How awful is it?
SANDY: I have worked so many awful Black Fridays, though I think the morning shifts are worse for me. That same year I was scheduled on Thanksgiving day at Michael’s until 11:30 or midnight, they tried to schedule me for 4am Black Friday morning as well. And I had to be in at 5am when I worked at Spencer’s for Black Friday. It was so early our satellite radio wasn’t even playing yet and when it suddenly blasted into existence at around 8, I almost shit my pants.
Jon: I didn’t mind working Black Friday or Thanksgiving Day for that matter. Thanksgiving was time and a half and Black Friday was so busy time flew by. There were so many customers to piss off and make fun of too. I thrived in that chaos.
Alison: How adorable is Bruce Campbell in a bowtie?
SANDY: I feel like he’s adorable forever and always no matter what. But the bow tie really does bring it to the next level.
Jon: Bowties are for nerds and poindexters.
Alison- Is Devin Sawa poor man's Gerard butler?
SANDY: Don’t you dare disparage Devin Sawa! My love! My soulmate! Haha, not really, but I did have a huge crush on him when I was younger. Idle Hands? Delicious.
Jon: He came across as the love child of Gerard Butler and Damian Lewis in this movie.
Alison: Can we all agree that online shopping is better than this insanity?
SANDY: I do prefer to see and feel what I’m buying, but the cost of having to be near people (especially people acting like absolute ravenous maniacs for random crap) is a bit too high.
Jon: Depends on what I’m shopping for. I prefer to buy movies at stores because I find so many other movies. Everything else is online.
Alison: Overall is this a fairly accurate portrayal of black Friday? SANDY: Oh my god, yes. If someone had told me this was a documentary about Black Friday, I would not have been surprised.
Jon: Aside from the aliens, this is exactly what Black Friday is like. Management screwing you over. Asshole customers. Low stock and recalled Dour Dennis. It’s all too real.
Sandy: If a meteor or other mysterious thing came exploding through the roof at your toy store job and was pulsating on the floor when you went to explore what had happened, would you purposely get closer and closer to it?
Alison: Fuck no! I'd quit.
Jon: Am I drunk or high? That always affected my retail decision making.
Sandy: Have I mentioned how cocksuckingly happy I am that I don’t have to work retail on Black Friday anymore?
Alison: I'm also happy for you. Not quite sure how people survive working retail in general.
Jon: I’m not sure I’d describe my happiness as cocksucking but I’m damned overjoyed that I don’t anymore.
Sandy: Do you believe that people who try to shop on Thanksgiving Day or at 5am on Black Friday should be shot, hung, or blasted in the face repeatedly until their heads resemble the mashed potatoes store employees missed getting to enjoy with their families?
Alison: Seems a bit much. But I definitely don't get why people want to do any of it!
Jon: Meh. To each their own I guess. Plenty of people miss holiday dinners because of work.
Sandy: Every store I’ve ever worked in has at some point had someone shit on the floor while I was there. Sometimes people let you know and sometimes you find it on your own like a little brown Easter egg. Or puddle. Similar experiences? (Outside of working as a nurse.)
Alison: Thankfully even as a nurse I've only encountered poop once. I couldn't handle it though. I started dry heaving and had to leave.
Jon: I’m usually the one shitting in the stores you work at.
Sandy: What the fuck was on Chris’ keyboard at his register? Caramel? Orc snot? Jon, remember when I obsessively cleaned each individual key on every keyboard at every computer and register at B Dalton? We weren’t supposed to leave the area and I was bored out of my fucking mind and started noticing the absolute filth that had gathered on the center of each key. Why can’t I muster that cleaning energy at my apartment?
Alison: I always think I'm going to get so much done at our house. Thankfully I've never encountered grossness on my keyboard either though. Blech.
Jon: I remember that. You were way more motivated than me at that job. I usually just grabbed a magazine or plotted some ridiculous scheme to mess with people like the autographed by the bookseller books.
Lessons
Work is more fun when you put booze in your coffee.
Stay home on Black Friday. The deals aren’t that good.
