Happy National Wedding Month!

 February is National Weddings Month.  I guess it’s to celebrate love and marriage around Valentine’s Day because somehow that’s not a romantic, made up enough holiday on its own.  In honor of this ridiculousness, we watched a movie with no weddings but a very unalive bride.  Our movie is Bride of Re-Animator, the sequel to the classic Re-Animator.  The movie brings us another dose of Dr. Herbert West’s insane experimentation in reanimating the dead and the reluctant and inexplicable support of his friend/roommate Dr. Dan Cain.  So skip the gift for your spouse and instead treat them to the blog and Bride of Re-Animator.  Ohhh... and don't go trying to reanimate dead things.

Questions

JON:  Is there a better way to start a movie than a talking severed head?

SANDY:  Two talking severed heads?

JON:  Fair enough.  Does Peru need to be identified as South America?

SANDY:  Sadly, I think there are probably lots of people who have no idea where the fuck Peru is or even that South America isn’t a country itself. This motherfucker really just said that chick was wrong for telling them it wasn’t safe to stay in a tent in the middle of a fucking battlefield? Are all men this fucking stupid? Maybe if he dies in an explosion someone can reanimate his blown-off head and fix his assface brain.

JON:  This was not male ego but Dr. West’s unwillingness to just abandon his work.  He may have many shortcomings but Dr. West is not the type to give up on his work because of a battle.  Police involvement, maybe.  Do you love Jeffrey Combs as much as I do?  "Yes" or "more" are the only acceptable answers.

SANDY:  His frantic science dork acting persona is pretty top notch. How is West allowed anywhere near any hospital or patients ever though???

JON:  I don’t think they were able to make anything stick and also I would imagine there are many in the scientific community who silently want him to succeed.  Think of the implications!  Think of the profits!  Which is worse- the battle outside or what Dr. West is doing inside the tent?

SANDY:  They seem equally horrifying potentially. War is one of the worst things about humanity, but our unbridled arrogance as a species isn’t far behind. Or maybe they’re totally intertwined. I’m stopping myself here before I write a dissertation about my thoughts on this subject. Is this dude just storing body parts and actual bodies in a random closet at the hospital? Did I miss something?

JON:  Yep pretty much.  One can never be sure when one might need an extra forearm.  Doesn’t the name Claude Earl Jones sound like one of the names I make up when an actor looks vaguely like a different actor?

SANDY:  Hahahaha, YES. You even got me doing that shit in my head whenever I watch something with a lookalike in it. Was that dude in the tent just wide awake while they pulled that huge chunk of metal out of his chest???

JON:  Isn’t that how you do that?  Is that an extreme form of suicide for a failed belly dancer? 

SANDY:  I believe she was a ballet dancer, you twat. But, yes, cutting your own feet off and bleeding to death because you couldn’t make it as a dancer seems a bit over dramatic. Did he just giggle about someone’s extremely violent & unusual suicide?

JON:  I can’t assess that because I was giggling too much when it happened.   Is it ever good when stuff is missing from a morgue? SANDY:  Not if it’s something that belongs there. Like a ballet dancer’s feet. What body parts would you steal from which morgue bodies to build your own ideal corpse for reanimation? This fantasy morgue has whatever type of person you might think of.

JON:  Ever seen Frankenhooker?  That’s what I would build and I wouldn’t need the super crack to get the parts!  Is talking shit to a severed head a sign of mental illness? 

SANDY:  Yes? I mean, I can’t say for sure that’s it’s automatically indicative of mental illness to talk shit to a severed head, but it certainly is in Dr West’s case specifically. 

JON:  Do you want amniotic fluid from a Kuzco iguana? 

SANDY:  I’ve never thought about it before now, but maybe I do. That lizard got stiff as fuck mighty fast. How creepy is it that West stared directly into Dr Dan’s eyes as he chloroformed that iguana?

JON:  Well he certainly wasn’t going to stare into the iguana’s eyes.  Why is every weird chemical in movies fluorescent green? 

SANDY:  That’s how you know it’s really sciencey. Is Dr West the worst roommate ever? If not, please give examples of worse ones. And make it ridiculous, thank you.

JON:  He doesn’t seem to walk around the house naked, eat all the food or have sex in your bed so he’s not the worst.  Is the giggling also a sign of mental illness? 

SANDY:  Fuck, I hope not.

JON:  What are people if not a collection of parts? 

SANDY:  I’d consider myself more of one whole thing physically. Mentally, I’m at least four people though. West’s facial expressions… perfection?

JON: His facial expressions are always perfect.   Do you want a pet eyefinger?  Fingereye? 

SANDY:  Now that’s what I’d call hand-eye coordination… OHHHHHHH. That’s a no for me though. Definitely don’t want one of those. Wouldn’t you be watching that fucking thing like a hawk though? West tied that shit together, brought it to life and was like “neat”, then went on about his business like there wasn’t an eyeball attached to some fingers strolling around the room.

JON:  It seemed like a fairly trustworthy fingereye so I would give it some space to roam.  Is it ever a good idea to coerce your friend into doing something with his dead girlfriend’s heart? 

SANDY:  It’s pretty fucking manipulative and shitty. And doesn’t Dr Dan realize that a person’s essence is in their brain? A heart pumps blood, but it doesn’t hold our personality on its own. If he wants his lady back, he needs to start with her brain. Duh. The police will never come here, queue doorbell. Aren’t cops like vampires? He stepped into the house without being invited in. Not cool.

JON:  He’s a villainous movie cop so he doesn’t have to follow rules.  Does every movie morgue worker have to eat while they work? 

SANDY:  Yes. I think it’s an official SAG rule, part of every actor’s contract. That poor reanimated bat! What the fuck???

JON:  It was animatronic so it’s ok.  If you’re a reanimated severed head, should you give the guy who reanimated you shit? 

SANDY:  Definitely. I’d be so fucking pissed off if I woke up as just a severed head. I love how it did that Warner Brothers cartoon dancing/singing frog thing though. (Talking to Dr Graves and then playing dead when someone else was there.) Did you catch that suave Weekend At Bernie’s action with the chick from the morgue? Also, “don’t let the little head woo the big head”…

JON:  Yep.  Did I ever tell you I pissed next to Bernie at a con?  Good times.  Should you bring a potential witness into the room where you’re keeping all the reanimated bodies? 

SANDY:  I can’t imagine a hospital where they’d let anyone just casually stroll in to the psych ward at all, let alone a room full of actual zombies. Do you think that cop’s wife had teeth like that while she was alive, or does something extra wacky happen to your pearly whites when you get reanimated?

JON:  Probably not.  Teeth die when you die.  They aren’t fingernails.  Can a garbage can safely hold a reanimated leg? 

SANDY:  It’s not just a leg though Jon, it’s an arm-leg!  How about that straw sucking noise in the tubes running through that body? Also, why did they have to cut up a body that was whole to reanimate it? And why would Dr Dan invite that chick to the house of a 1000 corpses to cook dinner and make out???

JON:  Straw sucking is the sound IVs make.  Sometimes cuts are necessary.  It’s where Dr. Dan lives.  You can’t take a girl to your mom’s house for that.  On a scale of 1 to holy shit this is stupid, how do you rate reanimating a cop who is already out to get you? 

SANDY:  If there’s anything beyond holy shit this is stupid, I’d pick that. I can’t help but feel like if West just had someone to fugg, he wouldn’t be so obsessed with “creating life” from iguana amniotic sac fluid, but might try it the old fashioned way?

JON:  I would imagine if Dr. West had someone to bump uglies with, he wouldn’t be reanimating corpses.  “He’s a wife beater Dan!  Use the gun!”- best movie line ever? 

SANDY:  Haha, it’s up there for sure. Is that the kind of basement you should walk around barefoot in?

JON:  There is no basement you should walk around barefoot in.  Mouse turds, snakes, mold.  Too much gross to step in.  Is it always foggy in cemeteries? 

SANDY:  I think that’s another official SAG rule. 

JON:  How did they sleep through the night on the couch without getting up to pee? 

SANDY:  They’re not in their forties? Wait… who slept on the couch?

JON: Dan and Francesca after the dog got killed.  Sitting up.  I would have peed the couch.   Should you ever attach a human hand to a dead dog and then reanimate it? 

SANDY:  I mean… if you can…

JON:  Is he better off without her? 

SANDY:  I think she’ll be benefiting significantly more from not having him in her life than he will by not having her in his. 

JON:  Does Dr. West look like if Harry Potter grew up to be a bit deranged? 

SANDY:  I can see that a little bit.

JON:  Why would you stick your hand into someone’s mouth to make them be quiet? 

SANDY:  ESPECIALLY if it’s a SEVERED FUCKING HEAD!?!?! The apple was a brilliant solution though. 

JON:  How great a word is "nincompoop?" 

SANDY:  It’s always been tops on my list of words I’m keen on.

JON:  Has there ever been a bloodier attempt to save someone’s life? 

SANDY:  I was thinking the same exact thing. How can you save someone when you’ve spilled out half the blood in their body? Is he going to have to throw away that watch?

JON:  The watch.  The shirt.  The bed.  The whole hospital.  You can’t get that much blood out ever.  “Was she good looking, doc?” 

SANDY:  That guy is so gross. DID YOU SCREAM OUT LOUD AND/OR PUKE IN YOIR OWN MOUTH WHEN REANIMATED WIFE BEATER COP STUCK HIS FUCKING STUMP IN FRANCESCA’S FUCKING MOUTH???

JON:  Nope.  That wasn’t even top 10 grossest shit we’ve seen.  Does Dr. West have to reanimate everyone? 

SANDY:  Listen, he’s only got on trick up his sleeve and he intends to use it. Why would they think this reanimated grab bag of a person would work out better than any of the others?? Am I Just being defeatist and shitting on West’s parade?

JON:  Science is trial and error and human bodies aren’t all the same.  Maybe it would react differently.   Does Dr. West’s serum need more testing or should he scrap it entirely? 

SANDY:  I think the serum should be scrapped and Dr West should be castrated just in case he finds someone willing to fugg him one day. Is there always a storm when someone’s trying to do some serious corpse reanimating? Also, why is her hair suddenly frizzy like the Bride of Frankenstein?

JON:  SAG rules.  I mean the movie is an homage to Bride of Frankenstein so her hair might as well be too.  Why did it take Francesca so long to realize that the dead don’t stay dead around Dr. West? 

SANDY:  Language barrier? Blinded by love for Dr Dan? How about getting stuck in the middle of THAT family squabble?

JON:  Any family squabble is a hard pass for me.  

SANDY:  How come her legs are whole in some shots and missing wads of skin and flesh in others???

JON: Iguana amniotic fluids cause cinema inconsistencies.

SANDY:  Would twirling be your first choice for physically expressing your agony?

SANDY:  It’s BATMAN!!!

JON: I”M BATMAN!!!

SANDY:  Why did the reanimated body West was most proud of reject its parts, but the other wackadoo ones he made all seemed to be functionally reasonably well?

JON:  Sometimes the ones you love hurt you most.

Happy Valentine's Day

February 14th is Valentine’s Day, the king of the Hallmark holidays.  It’s a day to celebrate love but also to prop up the flower and chocolate industries.  If you’re lucky, you find the person you’re meant to be with for the rest of your life.  This is so nearly the case for Jennifer and Batz in Frank Henenlotter’s Bad Biology.  Batz and Jennifer suffer from strange and strangely compatible sexual abnormalities and their union would have been one of the greatest love stories in cinematic history on par with Romeo and Juliet.  So make sure you get a gift for your significant other then snuggle in to watch Bad Biology and read our blog.

Questions

JON:  Seven clits seems like a lot?

SANDY:   It’s excessive and also arbitrary… why 7? Did you feel a little bit like you were listening to the beginning of Moby Dick with that talking intro of hers? “I was born with 7 clits” felt like the start of an epic tale to me. “The girl with the crazy pussy” brought me back down to Earth though.

JON:  Oh this puts Melville to shame.  As Jennifer details her struggle living with 7 clits, I was quite moved and I felt the “crazy pussy” line was particularly poignant.  So no one notices the only woman in the bar and she’s super aroused?

SANDY:  Maybe it’s a gay bar. Maybe they were like “Ewww, look at that genetic mistake over there. I heard she has 7 clits. Gross crazy-pussied bitch.” Didn’t it also seem like that pool table was on the edge of outer space? Or do I need to adjust the darkness ratio on my tv?

JON:  It did feel very spacey with the lighting but you may also need to adjust your TV.  Does this naked guy have too many pill bottles?

SANDY:  You know, when I saw all of those empty bottles I thought it was ridiculous that he hadn’t thrown them away, but then I remembered the slobs I’ve dated and that scenario suddenly became completely plausible. Do you think he was saving those bottle for some future crafting project? WHAT CRAFTING PROJECT DO YOU THINK HE WOULD USE THOSE BOTTLES FOR? 

JON:  I think he’s saving them to build a cage for his penis.  NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

SANDY:  HAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA. Best part of the movie. I might have gone into the medical field if it could have been guaranteed that I’d get to stab a syringe full of windex into at least one at least one dick per day.

Jon: Maybe no sex on a hard floor for Jennifer?

SANDY:  In that particular case I think she probably did the world a service. But yeah, no hard floors for her during sex, unless the dude is wearing one of those foamy high school wrestling helmets maybe. Were all of the actors in this movie virgins, or have I just not been fucking correctly? Who moves like that during sex?

JON:  Apparently everyone except you.  Definitely better than the ones in The Room and Champagne and Bullets. Is that how child birth works?

SANDY:  Yes. The women who carry children for 9 months are just holding it in. Like when you have to shit but don’t want to do it in the bathroom you have access to, so you wait all day until you get home and then sometimes it won’t come out even though you still have to go. Before you realized she was about to have a 2-hour mutant baby in the bathtub, were you as perplexed as I was about her very strange ravenous eating?

JON:  Not really.  I eat way more than that after sex.  My post coitus budget is insane.  Is Fuck Face the correct name for her photo collection?

SANDY:  I think it’s actually wildly appropriate considering they were all taken while fucking. I also legitimately liked the images. I thought they were creepy & interesting. What’s the difference between an orgasm and getting murdered?

JON:  Well the French call orgasms Le petit muerte or the little death so je ne sais pas maybe they are the same.  Is that a lot of blood to lose through menstruation?

SANDY:  1/5 of all the blood in your body? Yes... that’s a lot. Also, getting your period at 5 years old is not normal. Did you know that NASA once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons would be enough for her 6-day trip to space? Did you also know that that is a fucking ridiculous question for ROCKET SCIENTISTS to ask?

JON:  Nope.  I have very little knowledge of the menstrual cycle.  Should she have asked for 200 or is 100 way too many?  Is it obvious that she does everything different now?

SANDY:  Not to someone that doesn’t know how she did things before. Why do all of her clits look like nipples & why are they moving all around?

JON:  You mean that’s not normal?  I thought they all did that.  Should you talk about your kids while you’re banging?

SANDY:  I don’t think people should talk about their kids ever. Especially not while banging though. Nothing dries the flow up faster than hearing a monologue about someone’s twin daughters and their beautiful mother. How about her apologies mid-murder? Sincere?

JON:  Her apology was as sincere as the Vagina Monologues.  Some guys just can’t handle dirty talk?

SANDY:  Oh man, explain this question because I can’t recall what it’s referencing specifically. 

JON:  Jennifer loved talking dirty while murdering the guys she was banging.  You dig me pygmy?

SANDY:  First time I’d ever heard that phrase, but I dig it. What the fuck was that chick looking for in the drug dealer’s house???

JON:  A bigger part in the movie.  An Oscar.  That Todd Bridges shit?

SANDY:  Awww… child actors rarely fair well. Was his dick drinking those meds??

JON:  Yeah guys can take medications that way.  Men lucked out.  We can take meds orally, anally and through our pee holes.   Does that machine seem safe?

SANDY:  It does not. Also… where… where does the peen juice go when he’s “finished”?

JON:  If it’s like mine then there’s a catch basin at the bottom so you can recycle it for shampoo.  Some companies pay a fortune for it so their shampoos can be protein rich.  Should parents be able to afford to get their sons hard ons?

SANDY:  The healthcare industry in this country is fucked up. Universal healthcare might guarantee hard ons for anyone who wanted them. Even children. 🤢 Why does he just keep standing there after she notices him and starts yelling about it?? Would you just stand there after getting caught peeping, you fucking creep?

JON:  I mean it’s his fucking house.  He can stand anywhere he wants to and look at whatever he wants.  A drug addicted dick with a mind of its own?

SANDY:  Don’t all dicks have minds of their own? How much of the budget for this movie was spent on that CGI weiner?

JON:  About 85%.  Are vagina faced models crude and filthy?

SANDY:  I don’t know that I’d personally consider it crude and filthy, but I can’t imagine that video would get much airtime anywhere. 

JON:  Does his mommy have titties like those?

SANDY:  I mean… maybe.

JON:  Does Batz’s dick flapping around in his pants remind you of one of those singing fish things?

SANDY:  Haha, not until you said that. That dick was wayyyyyy bigger when she accidentally saw it in the bathroom than when it escaped and went on its adventure, please explain why.

JON:  Sometimes when a man is aroused, blood flows to the penis which makes it grow bigger.  Also his dick was on steroids.  He probably injected recently and then got a good pump in.   If a guy warns you about his dick, should you listen?

SANDY:  Guys lie about their dicks SO MUCH, I’m not sure I’d believe him.

JON:  Should you call your drug dealer if the hooker is perpetually orgasming?

SANDY:  Not unless you gave her drugs from him that directly resulted in said perpetual orgasm. How great was it though, when he placed her down on the cement and took off like a bat out of Hell?

JON:  Obscure Bad Biology fact- That scene was inspired by me.  Do dicks see everything with a purple tint?

SANDY:  Dicks don’t have eyes, Jon. Was the song “Detachable Penis” running through your head on a perpetual loop when his made its escape, or are you a normal person?

JON:  It definitely went through my mind.  Have you ever been that disappointed by a guy not having a dick?

SANDY:  I have yet to encounter a guy without a dick in a sexual context, but if I had seen his dick and then it was gone, I might be like “what… where did it go?” I know I’m a bit out of order chronologically with this question, but does this movie give new meaning to the term “baby dick’? 

JON:  Yes it does.  Does a dick need CPR?

SANDY:  That one did seem to need some help. CPR, I don’t know. Maybe viagra? Have you ever seen an uglier dick than that one? 

JON:  Every time I take a piss.   Is there anything funnier than Jennifer trying to give a dick mouth to mouth?

SANDY:  Maybe the fact that she has 7 clits and that one skinny dude in the junkyard still couldn’t give her an orgasm. If your steroid-raged dick escaped and started a home invasion raping rampage, would it break through the floors and walls like a fucking animal, or would it use a pet door like a civilized creature?

JON:  In the words of Reo Speedwagon, my dick would “crawl upon the floor, come crashing through the door.”  If a guy tells you to let his dick die, should you?

SANDY:  Yeahhhhh, but once it’s not on his body anymore and has something resembling sentience, is it really even his dick to be making decisions about? How many UTIs and STDs do you think that thing spread around? It was crawling all over the floors and presumably underground and inside the walls and then just raw dogged a bunch of different women without washing itself off first… also, was it growling at Jennifer??

JON:  You’re assuming it didn’t wash itself off but the UTIs would be rampant.  That dick was inch worming its way across New York City.  Is this the weirdest movie we’ve watched?

SANDY:  No fucking way. The Greasy Strangler was WAY weirder than this. “Our Father, who art in Jennifer”… do you think they introduced that whole god wants to fuck me crap just to get that line in there?

Jon:  Absolutely. And who can blame them?