Happy Halloween!

 Happy Halloween!  Halloween is probably our favorite holiday.  Costumes, free candy and horror movies make for the perfect day.  We were originally going to avoid any of these major holidays but we couldn’t pass up a Halloween movie so we watched Night of the Demons.  So grab your mask, your Snickers and settle in for Night of the Demons and the blog.

 

Questions

Jon:  Is a fat guy wearing a pig nose a lazy costume?

Sandy:  Was he wearing a pig nose? I thought that was just his face. How much do you love the intro song and graphics for this movie? What other movie intros does it remind you of?

Jon:  I loved it.  It was so very 80s.  It reminds me of just about everything from that time period.  The soundtrack also reminded me of how often Loverboy, Mike Reno, the lead singer of Loverboy or someone that sounded like him, wound up on a mid-late 80s soundtrack.  Is the old guy over mad for an underwear flashing?

Sandy:  That old guy is over mad for everything. Someone pissed in that dude’s favorite hat. Is Sal from Queens? Where is this supposed to be taking place?

Jon:  I think half of the Sals on the planet are from Queens including this one but the movie is set in Any Town, USA.  What an old asshole?

Sandy:  Yeah. At first you want to feel bad for him, with all of these shitty twats bumping into him and jumping out at him and knocking his groceries down and whatnot, but once you realize he had planned all along to put razor blades into apples as a Halloween treat for kids, you understand what a grimy fuck he already was. How would you torture a neighbor that gave out apples instead of candy on Halloween? Be specific and relentless. 

Jon:  I love apples, especially a nice Golden Delicious but if you hand them out on Halloween you deserve the full trick treatment.  Toilet papered house, shaving cream mailbox, egged house and a burning bag of poo.  But I’m still keeping the apple.  Is the school dance for nerds?

Sandy:  The school dance in this movie is for people who want to remain alive with far less emotional damage than what happened at that house. So yeah, nerds. If Max and Frankie are going, are you automatically going to a Halloween party at the abandoned funeral home?

Jon:  No absolutely not.  I’ve watched enough horror movies to know that’s a disaster waiting to happen especially if Max and Frankie are going.  What are the chances that a house with a name is haunted? 

Sandy:  137% yes. Also, this house wasn’t haunted Jon, it was POSSESSED, weren’t you listening?! Do you think if you name your house that spirits will automatically show up? Or perhaps that naming it dooms whoever lives there at the time to haunt the premises for eternity?

Jon:  I think as soon as you name the house you are opening the door to all manner of malevolent spirits.  Laying out the welcome mat so to speak.  Do you think Sal is worried about this kid’s mom?

Sandy:  Maybe he’s afraid if she knows he’s there, she’ll come out and try to feed him some of those fresh baked cat turds. Is stealing a mask from her little brother going to get a girl to go out with you?

Jon:  If your little brother is as big an asshole as Judy’s, it probably can’t hurt.  Linnea Quigley!!!!

Sandy:  Badass horror movie babe of the 80’s! I love her fucking dress so fucking much in this movie. Jon, would you like a fudge log?

Jon:  If this is a legitimate offer for some tasty fudge, then hell yes but if you are trying to trick me into accepting another box of poo through the use of euphemisms, shame on you.   If a guy bent over in a short dress would it distract you?

Sandy:  I’d definitely want to see some backside bulge action, but I wouldn’t be hypnotized by it like these dopey goons. Did you get a more goth version of Ally Sheedy from The Breakfast Club vibe from Angela in the store, or was that just me?

Jon:  I loved Ally Sheedy in the 80s.  Angela had some of that vibe prancing around the store, stealing everything.  Why do none of the other customers stop Angela from stealing everything?

Sandy:  Snitches get stitches, Jon. Seriously brilliant shopping method though, right? Wanna wear a short skirt to Stop & Shop and distract the staff while I steal us all a smorgasbord?

Jon:  Sorry can’t.  After the last time I did that I was banned from the whole chain.  Do sour balls mean no blow jobs?

Sandy:  I don’t know, people really seem to like sour candy. I love the face Angela makes as she scuttles out of the store with her sack of goodies in that gothic vampire’s wedding dress. No question, just sayin’.

Jon:  If those are the cartoons this kid watches, are you surprised that he’s a sociopath?

Sandy:  He didn’t really strike me as a sociopath, more of an all around pre-teen douche. Favorite line from the movie? Mine was “bodacious boobies sis… if they keep growing you’ll have to hire someone to tie your shoes.”

Jon:  I'm really partial to the sour balls conversation although “Eat a bowl of fucks!  I am here to party!” might be how I announce myself at gatherings from now on.  Why does no one punch Billy?

Sandy:  Because his mom will kick their asses. Did you mean Stooge? If so, I don’t know why no one ran him over with their car. Count Dingleberry, I presume?

Jon:  Indeed.  Is he fat and dumb?

Sandy:  Stooge? Yes. Very much yes. I’m pretty sure he only knows 7 words, 3 of which are “bitch”. How far do you estimate a woman might projectile vomit in real life  if Stooge suggested a game of Post Office where she would “get to be the stamp”?

Jon:  According to UberFact Twitter, the world record for projectile vomit distance is 27 feet but I think the concept of oral from Stooge could induce a record breaking performance.  What could possibly go wrong at an abandoned funeral home?

Sandy:  Well, for one thing, a demon could possess the party host and she could bite your tongue right out of your mouth. 

Jon:  Why can’t Judy light candles?

Sandy:  Maybe she could do it if she used matches. Lighters seem to be her weakness.

Jon:  Is a seance in a haunted former funeral home a good idea?

Sandy:  Possessed, Jon. The house is POSSESSED. Geez. But no, I would not recommend that shit. Do you think if this had happened during Covid and those kids had been responsible enough to wear masks to the party, that the demons wouldn’t have been able to possess any of them? The main point of entry seemed to be mouth-holes.

Jon:  Demons are opportunistic invaders.  They’ll get in through any available orifice.  A mask would cut down your risk significantly as would pants and earmuffs.  What harm can a mirror do?

Sandy:  It can relay to me my ever-growing collection of under-eye bags on a daily basis. I’m not much a fan of that. Have you ever seen anyone more excited about a strobe light than these 80’s horror movie teens?

Jon:  1989.  Homecoming dance.  When the strobe light came on, the roof was torn off.  Does Stooge ever help matters?

Sandy:  Never. Stooge has never done a single redeeming thing in his shitty pig-fucker life. Do you think the bathroom would be working in a place like that?

Jon:  I think the demons probably maintain all the plumbing.  Working toilets lead to available orifices.  Why won’t anyone listen to Rodger?

Sandy:  Probably because he was making sense and teenagers in horror movies historically don’t much care for that. Doesn’t making the gate to get out disappear seem like poor sportsmanship?

Jon:  I don’t think demons get rewarded for sportsmanship.  Would you eat a bowl of fuck?  What is a bowl of fuck?

Sandy:  I would not eat it in a truck, I would not eat it with a duck. I imagine it’s like a combination of The Stuff and an assorted array of bodily fluids. What’s the grossest thing you’ve ever eaten out of a bowl or in general?

Jon:  Shredded fucking Wheat.  It’s not just that it tastes like freeze dried, ground up shit but there are pieces stuck in your mouth for weeks afterward.  Is it possible for Sal and Stooge to not do anything stupid?

Sandy:  I think it’s part of who they are as human beings. If there’s something stupid to be said or done, they’ll find it and let it fly. 

Jon:  Would you sleep in a squaw’s intestine tent?

Sandy:  I mean, if that’s what was available and it was raining or like a really buggy night or something, I might. Would you make a Teepee out of Alison’s intestines?

Jon:  Probably not unless it was raining or really buggy.  Or cold.  At what point during Angela’s dance do you leave?

Sandy:  I never would have seen Angela’s dance in the first place because I never would have gone to that party at all. But, if we’re saying I was definitely there as Sal, for sure when the radio turned back on if not sooner. What’s the creepiest shit you’ve ever seen in real life?

Jon:  When I was growing up, there was an abandoned, old house that was all overgrown by trees and vines.  Kids all thought it was haunted.  I went in it once and it creeped me out so much, I used to walk on the opposite side of the street for a long time.  It’s not the weird ones you have to look out for?

Sandy:  I think it really depends on what type of weird. Like, for instance, if she draws all over her face and tits with lipstick and then shoves the entire lipstick inside of her boob through her nipple, I’d say stay the fuck away from that one. Have you ever made it in a coffin? Would you?

Jon:  Nope and nope.  How could you not realize how sexy Stooge is?

Sandy:  My brain works.

Jon:  Do nice houses have plastic slip covers on the furniture?

Sandy:  I really can’t believe that used to be a thing. Do people still do that? Do people still put plastic on their lounge furniture Jon????

Jon:  I think it’s still an old lady thing.  Actually I think Alison just ordered some.  Is Jay destined to always go after Sal’s exes?

Sandy:  What other ex of Sal’s did he go after besides Judy?

Jon:  Sal was very briefly attached to Suzanne until she was super weird.  Did you forget about Judy?

Sandy:  Ha! Almost! Was Judy actually sleeping against the door at one point?? Also, was she part Fainting Goat? I feel like she fell over every time she got nervous for a while there. Being surprised into paralysis doesn’t seem like a very good defense mechanism.

Jon:  It’s possibly the worst defense mechanism.  She spent most of the middle part of the movie unconscious.  Did you expect Sal to have a shred of sense or heroism?

Sandy:  No! What a pleasantly interesting surprise! I was actually really kind of sad when we lost Sal. I loved it when he walked in on Suzanne with that lipstick and was like “aw, man, you too??” Did we ever find out what the fuck happened to Helen?

Jon:  She died and the demons got her.  She should have worn earmuffs.  If only they had listened to Rodger?

Sandy:  Yeah, Rodger knew what was up. I’m not sad about losing Stooge though, so maybe it wasn’t all bad. How could Rodger have helped pull Judy up that wall with so much blood all over their hands? 

Jon:  Clotted blood is very sticky.  I think it served as a bonding agent so he was able to hold on better.   Did demon Stooge get cleaner?

Sandy:  For sure. His vocabulary definitely improved. How are Judy and Rodger going to explain what happened to the rest of their classmates? No one will care about Stooge, but someone is bound to miss the rest of them.

Jon:  “They were all fine when we left the party.  Don’t know what could have happened.  Maybe they ran away.”  Definitely seems like a time where telling the truth lands you in an institution.  Do you like Judy’s blind date?  Is he better than your worst blind date?

Sandy:  I’m not sure I’ve ever really been on a blind date, but I’m going to go with no, he would have been worse than any blind date I may have actually or fictionally been on. What was he looking at though, seriously?

Jon:  He was staring wistfully into space, wishing he had worn a mask and earmuffs.  Would you climb barbed wire?

Sandy:  I wouldn’t have even made it up that wall with regular rope. Maybe the barbed wire would have actually helped me because it would have given me more traction by stabbing into my flesh so I wouldn’t just slide right back down as I tried to climb up. How awesome was that old douche’s old lady wife? Why hadn’t she killed him long before this?

Jon:  She’s awesome but it takes time to prepare and perfect a razor blade apple pie.  You have to get the blades just right so he doesn’t notice them before he swallows them.

 

 

Lessons

Don’t go to parties at haunted houses.

No seances in haunted funeral homes.

Happy Eat Better Eat Together Month

 October is National Eat Together, Eat Better Month.  To celebrate this month, you should have more family dinners.  Apparently, the belief is that if you eat with other people, you tend to eat healthier and what could possibly be better than something delicious and nutritious?  The Stuff is both and is also a proven way to lose weight and it will also turn you into a mindless Stuffie.  So celebrate Eat Together, Eat Better Month with the blog and The Stuff and put down the Oreos.

Questions

Jon:  Do you eat snow?  Is it really as shameful as these guys act like it is?

Sandy:  I would eat clean freshly fallen snow, but not if it’s fucking MOVING apparently of its own free will. Who the fuck sees something bubbling out of the ground and thinks, “gee, I should put this in my mouth”??

Jon:  Well who looks at an aquatic mollusk and thinks yummy?  Or that a cow’s teat would produce a tasty drink?  Or really most of what we eat?  You just have to put it in your mouth and find out.   If you open the refrigerator and something is moving, do you leave it there?

Sandy:  Well, that depends, Jon. Is it an as-of-yet uncooked lobster, or some mystery white goo shit that plopped out of an open container? Because if it’s not a live lobster, I’d probably just set the house on fire and never go back. Do you wish the father of that kid actually just choked to death on The Stuff immediately? I did.

Jon:  That guy was probably a bad father before he got on The Stuff and a total asshole after so, yes, I wish he choked.  Would you eat something called The Stuff?

Sandy:  I mean, when I was a kid I ate something called “Gushers”, so maybe. “Now I’m a big girl and I’ve decided there’s something I like better. Much better.” Were you waiting for her to say “big sloppy cock” afterwards? What’s with the breathy porn voice? And the neon sign? And the glittery strip club curtains??

Jon:  Sometimes you need a horny ad for the white stuff.  How big of a threat is Big Cookie?

Sandy:  Who or what the fuck is Big Cookie? I can’t remember. How fucking awesome is Chocolate Chip Charlie though?

Jon:  Big Cookie is the cookie cartel trying to get to the bottom of The Stuff and its massive popularity since it’s eating into their profits.  Chocolate Chip Charlie is a badass.  He sure as hell ain’t the Kentucky Colonel and his hands are lethal weapons.  Do you want to get mixed up with industrial spies?

Sandy:  Eh. No thank you. Sounds like a hassle. “Yes, I suppose we do have to keep the world safe for ice cream.” Would you consider the world to be a dangerous place for ice cream, Jon?

Jon:  Well climate change could melt all the ice cream in the world and that would be really bad for ice cream.  Also, everyone wants to eat it.  The world is a very unsafe place for ice cream.  Could your nickname be Mo?

Sandy:  I’ve already got a friend with the nickname Mo, so no. Can we please dress up and go to a fancy affair and inform everyone whose hands we shake that they have sweaty palms?

Jon:  Are we shaking hands again or fist bumping?  In any event, I’ve been doing that for years.   Tastes good, healthy and doesn’t spot, what could possibly go wrong?

Sandy:  Well, apparently quite a bit can go wrong. As this documentary has shown us, a substance that tastes good, is healthy (though how would they know since no one can identify what it’s made of) and can’t spot can actually mindfuck you and take over your whole body until it decides to ooze out and leave your corpse shell behind. Does every stone wall have a chink in it? Can you also please explain what the fuck that means?

Jon:  It means that even the strongest wall has a flaw.  A chink is like a chip and if there are too many, your wall sucks.  Is Jason a national hero?

Sandy:  Absolutely! That kid’s a little badass. Wanna go to a supermarket with me and throw everything we see onto the ground in a crazed fury? Also, was 90% of that supermarket just The Stuff?

Jon:  Oh fuck yeah.  That looked like so much fun.  That’s what The Stuff was after- supermarket domination.  Is The Stuff really not any different from yogurt or ice cream?

Sandy:  I’ve never had yogurt or ice cream explode out of my motel mattress and practically harpoon someone to a wall, so I’m calling bullshit on that one. Does watching women in bathing suits and fur coats make you want to buy whatever they’re holding?

Jon:  Yup!  How much do you love The Stuff song?

Sandy:  It’s pretty catchy, but I don’t get how they can claim it’s the taste that delivers when they also say enough is never enough. Did Moe punch that guy on the boat halfway across the room when he was leaving the yacht?

Jon:  Mo is a strong motherfucker.  Could the urge to migrate be a side effect of too much dessert?

Sandy:  Hmm… I’m going to say yes. Who tries to feed someone else’s dog without asking??

Jon:  My wife.  Is eating The Stuff that was left on your face after it exploded out of your mouth the same as eating vomit?

Sandy:  No. Vomit isn’t sentient and generally stops moving after it’s settled from having been launched from someone’s guts. The dog was supposedly harmless, but his human seemed terrified of him. At what point would you have locked that dog in a room somewhere and run for your life, before or after he unplugged the phone from the wall?

Jon:  Oh long before that but Alison would have let him back out.  Can you get enough of The Stuff?

Sandy:  If enough is never enough, then yes AND no? Is enough never enough, Jon? Can that even be fucking possible?

Jon:  When you’re talking about The Stuff, enough is truly never enough.  The shit turns you into a bottomless pit so you just keep eating it.  Does Jason need to learn how to kick people in the groin?

Sandy:  You know, it’s a pretty good life skill to have. Probably could get you out of quite a few unpleasant situations. Is “I just knocked a hole in that sucker” your favorite line in the movie? If not, what’s your favorite?

Jon:  “No one is as dumb as I appear to be.”  I find that line to be very relatable.  How many other situations is it wise to get in a car with a stranger?

Sandy:  Wise? An ambulance I think. Necessary or convenient, perhaps a taxi cab or an Uber? How many children do you think ran screaming from their homes and straight into a stranger’ s car when their parents tried to make them eat broccoli after seeing this movie?

Jon:  All of them.  Does Jason deserve the Congressional Medal of Freedom?

Sandy:  For SURE. Can The Stuff communicate with all other Stuff? Is it like a sentient hive mind sort of deal?

Jon:  Yes.  The Stuff is just underground bee semen.  Should you ever climb into an empty tanker truck?

Sandy:  That’s a big fat no for me overall. Though that is how June and Janine escaped Gilead in the Handmaid’s Tale. I think for me, the question more specifically is, would you climb into an empty tank clearly meant to collect The Stuff while running to try and escape The Stuff?

Jon:  Probably not.  How awesome is the Abe Vigoda/Clara Peller cameo?

Sandy:  Is an Abe Vigoda cameo ever not awesome?? I’d say the same for Clara Peller, though I’m not sure I can recall another movie where she had a cameo. Did Moe & Nicole seem a little casual about all of this shit as they were investigating the origins of The Stuff?

Jon:  She had a role in Moving Violations that, if I remember correctly, involved her squatting in a urinal.  The casualness was a ruse so people didn’t catch on.  Was Abe Vigoda ever young?

Sandy:  I don’t think so. I think he popped out as a 67 year old man 400 years ago and just kept slowly aging from then until he passed away. Would burning The Stuff off of someone’s face be your first idea?

Jon:  Ordinarily my first choice would be licking it off but that was clearly a bad idea with The Stuff so fire is always a good second choice.  How many times do you think you need to eat The Stuff before you become a mindless Stuff-controlled being?

Sandy:  I think it’s probably a slow build and might depend on how strong your will is?  Would you just stand there as murderous psycho alien marshmallow fluff shot out of your mattress and plastered some dude (who had just tried to kill you) all over the wall of your motel room?

Jon:  If he had just tried to kill me, I would let insane rhinoceroses kill him too.   Do you know what a marshmallow is made of?  No trick, I really don’t know.

Sandy:  I’m pretty sure it’s just sugar and horse hooves. Maybe some vanilla. What is stealing a truck of Stuff going to prove about how it’s taken from the ground?? 

Jon:  Not much but it would definitely expose the potential contamination risks in the supply chain.  If you see someone who you don’t think belongs on your job site, is it wise to approach him alone?

Sandy:   Certainly not in this scenario, though it was helpful to Mo. Should they call him “One Punch Moe”? What’s another good nickname for that dude?

Jon:  Kool Moe Dee.  Moe-hammad Ali.  Why was Mo talking about going to a large city but then he goes to a castle?

Sandy:  Maybe he just doesn’t know things. Would you be willing to touch the Stuff after all of that? Even to trick a brain dead Stuff addicted cop?

Jon:  Not a chance in hell.  How popular would Colonel Spears be today?

Sandy:  I think he’d probably at least be president. Would you sit on the ledge of a building after the guy you’re next to suggested he could throw you off the tower? 

Jon:  Only long enough to throw him off.  What do you think a suitable reward would be for Colonel Spears?

Sandy:  Like, a reward for him to receive, or a reward on/for his head? Do you trust an army that clown car piles into taxi cabs to go to war?

Jon:  In a time of a national Stuff crisis, I would trust anyone who didn’t eat the shit.  Did you expect Stuffies to bleed The Stuff?

Sandy:  I don’t know if I was expecting it, but I wasn’t entirely surprised by it either. Does Chocolate Chip Charlie “eat them guns” for breakfast? 

Jon:  Yes but only after 3 bowls of Cookie Crisp.  Is this World War III?

Sandy:  I don’t know. Do nations across the globe have to be fighting each other for it to qualify as a world war, or can it be that we all join together to fight an alien substance? How mortifyingly uncomfortable were you when the colonel said “I will permit this colored man to speak”? I’m not sure my eyes or mouth could have opened any wider. I believe I also had both hands on my face, like Macaulay Culkin’s classic Home Alone expression.

Jon:  By that point, I would have been surprised if he hadn’t said something racist.  How Much does Mo remind you of Nic Cage?

Sandy:  I hadn’t made the connection on my own at all, but I think I can kind of see it a little bit in some of his facial features. Personality wise I kind of got a less charming and funny Ryan Reynolds. Were you as devastated as I was when Charlie started getting all funky and you realized he was full of Stuff too?

Jon:  The first time I saw it, for sure.  The 100th- not so much.  Should you eat flammable foods?

Sandy:  I drank some tequila last night, and I’m pretty sure that’s decently flammable. I’ll do that shit again too. How about THAT facial??? 

Jon:    Gross.  Did the Stuffies seem more content than normal people?

Sandy:  I think it’s very difficult to be content when you’re able to pay attention to what’s going on around you, so yes.

Jon:  Should we force feed The Stuff to corrupt CEOs?

Sandy:  Absolutely yes.