December 4th is National Cookie Day. There’s no way we could miss this day. I love cookies, especially a freshly-baked chocolate chip cookie. To celebrate, we watched Gingerdead Man, the story of a murderer reincarnated in a gingerbread man. I don’t like gingerbread cookies, particularly ones that taste like Gary Busey. But maybe you do. So pop a batch of your favorite cookies in the oven, read the blog and watch Gingerdead Man.
Questions
Jon: Should an old man without a gun attempt to stop Gary Busey with or without a gun?
Sandy: No. I'm not even sure it's safe for a swat team to try and stop Gary Busey from doing anything. That dude's a full-fledged drug-fueled super strength psycho. Unrelated aside; I'm pretty sure I used the same stock screaming sound they used for a halloween promotional video at work. Also, who robs a fucking diner, outside of Pulp Fiction?
Jon: I think it could be a very good plan. If it’s a diner that does good business, there should be a good amount of cash without any security guards and probably few, if any, cameras. Does it smell feminine?
Sandy: We don't like to tell men about this, but women actually walk around spraying their feminine anal gland juices wherever they go, like feral cats. Would you walk towards a dude with a gun who had just shot a lady in the head at a fucking diner?
Jon: Probably not but you just never know. Does he sound like a sissy boy or a high school principal?
Sandy: I'd say he sounds more like a high school principal or a guidance counselor. Were you as confused as I was when Busey told that chick that she should go somewhere safe next time she goes out? Would you not generally consider diners a safe place to go to?
Jon: Depends on the time of day I guess. Late at night, diners attract a strange mix of drunks, kids and drunk kids and that doesn’t mix well. When will these kids learn?
Sandy: When they aren't kids anymore?
Jon: Does he have to honor his mother?
Sandy: I'm not sure how shooting a random person in a diner is what's required for honoring his mother... I totally didn't get that shit. Especially since we didn't really know anything about his mother at that point anyway. It's not like in Goonies with the Fratelli gang, where you can see what a shitbag the mother is the whole time so it makes sense. Why is it always their fucking mother's fault when someone is a complete psychopath? In all honesty, I can relate though. Minus the murdering. So far.
Jon: I think in Millard’s case, it’s because he really loves her but he’s so fucked up he thinks he’s honoring her by killing people and robbing diner. There’s also some psychological thing and I read a couple articles before I answered this question but I still really don’t get it. If your soul was baked into a cookie what kind would it be and why?
Sandy: Hmmm... I think I'd WANT my soul baked into a chocolate chip cookie because that's really my favorite kind of cookie, but it would probably get baked into a sugar cookie. Not exactly what I'd been hoping for, but also pretty tasty. Same question for you!
Jon: I would also like to be a chocolate chip cookie but I’d probably be oatmeal raisin -- kind of dull with the occasional bite of what you hope is a raisin but could be a mouse turd. If some mystery person in a black robe dropped a box of ingredients at your back porch would you use it?
Sandy: Fuck no. That's legitimately insane. ONE BOX of "gingerbread seasoning" just dumped at the back door? No. Would you be excited or terrified if Amazon drivers wore long black hooded cloaks as their delivery uniforms?
Jon: I would be super excited but I think most people would be scared. Does the ultimate birthday experience always involve a titty bar?
Sandy: No. Sometimes it involves a peener bar. Is saying "aw heck" and then bleeding into the seasoning standard first aid procedure at every bakery?
Jon: Absolutely. The faint taste of blood is also the best part of a gingerbread cookie. Does 2 days sound like a very short time period for a prison to ship ashes to someone?
Sandy: Yes. Unless they just sent her ashes from the cigarette cans around the prison. Was that bakery employee chick a little over excited about the execution? And why be weirded out by the prison sending a mother the ashes of her executed son? What else would they do with his ashes?
Jon: Apparently, if they are unclaimed they are buried in a prison cemetery. I think Julia was trying to help her friend in her excitement over the execution but it did seem misplaced. Is Mrs. Leigh old, drunken, gun-toting Cinderella?
Sandy: She's definitely a bit of a distressed drunk and older than the other bakery employees, but I'm not sure I'd consider her to be OLD. Why Cinderella?
Jon: Between the white apron, blue dress and blonde hair, she kind of looked like Cinderella. You listen here girl?
Sandy: Don't you tell me where to listen.
Jon: Is progress really out with the old in with the new?
Sandy: I feel like progress is more about evolution, which isn't always completely getting rid of the old and bringing in all new ideas or things or people. I have heard, though, that happiness is a warm gun. Did you love that bakery dude's wrestling persona as much as I did? I didn't write his name or the name of his wrestling character down, what were they??!!
Jon: He was The Butcher Baker. The character’s name was Brick. Many of the characters had cookie, candy or food themed names. Jimmy Dean and Lorna (Doone) Dean. Sara Leigh. Amos Cadbury. Does $50,000 really sound like enough money for the bakery?
Sandy: No way, that place was pretty huge. That scumbag was trying to prey on Sarah and her mom's grief. Does using human blood seasoning in your baked goods lower the value of your bakery?
Jon: Not if your customers are vampires. Are these overly large gingerbread men?
Sandy: Oh my god, what the fuck was with that?? Have you had gingerbread? It's gross! Why would anyone want a gingerbread man the size of an actual human toddler??? Was the baker's blood necessary for bringing Millard back to life? Or just someone's blood in general? I'm not familiar with baking related resurrection spells, please enlighten me.
Jon: I don’t think it could have been. A lot of things would have to go right in that case. Maybe the blood just supercharges the reincarnated cookie. Does this seem like an elaborate and far-fetched series of events to reincarnate a murderer in a cookie?
Sandy: YESSSSS. It's supposed to be Millard's mother who caused this reincarnation, but if she had the power to bring him back to life WHY THE FUCK WOULD SHE WANT HER SON REINCARNATED AS A FUCKING COOKIE????
Jon: Charles Lee Ray reincarnated himself in a Good Guy doll. Maybe she’s just an amateur and a cookie is the best she can do. If a cookie runs out of your oven, do you stand around and talk to it?
Sandy: I guess it would depend on whether or not the cookie seemed like a fucking creep. If it was a kind-hearted cookie, I might chill and talk to it after the initial shock had worn off. Did that cookie dough mixture look awfully similar to The Stuff for a minute? And was that kewpie doll hand that reached out of it giving the finger, or was that just wishful thinking on my part?
Jon: I think they bake with The Stuff to make their cookies more addictive. And yes, that cookie definitely flipped the bird. Is this black magic shit for real?
Sandy: I guess we'll find out if you grow a pair of uneven hairy tits on your forehead after the spell I try out later tonight. Could cookie man Millard win Miss Pretty Face of Waco?
Jon: No that’s Lorna’s title. Why is it so hard for these idiots to decide to run away?
Sandy: They're in a horror movie, JON. It is extremely rare for anyone to make a sound logical decision in a horror movie. Was cookie man Millard eating other cookies?? Do you think he knew he was cannibalizing his inanimate brothers?
Jon: I don’t think cookie Millard gave 2 shits about cannibalism. He knew and took great joy in eating other cookies. How much dough can you make from a talking cookie?
Sandy: OHHHH!! You're so punny. A belch and a man's maniacal laughter reminded her of her daughter?
Jon: She was a gassy girl with an awful laugh so it makes sense. Is that the ugliest gingerbread man you’ve ever seen?
Sandy: Oh my god, whyyyyyyy. Why did he look like that??? Was that the worst most pathetic pie throwing you've ever seen??
Jon: It was the second worst. The worst was Mandy Spindler in 1987. She threw a pie at me and completely missed. How long did it take you to tire of the one liners?
Sandy: It was pretty bad, though "ever try a lady finger" was kiiiind of funny. Why does this fucker keep tormenting this fucking family and their friends??
Jon: They are unfinished business and horror movie killers hate unfinished business. Should Amos be leading any group?
Sandy: I think he could have potential for leadership maybe. Just not so much in this film. Damn those tattoo punks?
Jon: Damn them to hell. Does it beat a punch in the nose?
Sandy: I don't know. I'd need to experience both things to know for sure I guess? I think you and Alison should dress as cookie man Millard and the bakery employee they found in the freezer covered in frosting with cherry nipples for Halloween next year. Which one of you would be Millard?
Jon: I would be the dead cherry-nippled employee because of how much my nipples are like cherries. How dumb is the title Miss Pretty Face Waco? Do you think there’s a lot of competition for that title?
Sandy: It's dumb, but more honest and direct than Miss Universe or Miss America, or whatever those other beauty contests are called. I think if it's in Waco Texas there's probably a whole lot of competition for something like that. I hear women are only allowed to wear makeup and be impregnated in Texas, so it's probably a pretty important event there. Do you think Millard is extra angry because he came back as the world's least delicious cookie?
Jon: He seems like the kind of lunatic who would like gingerbread. I think that was regular angry Millard only in cookie form. They really should have run away sooner right?
Sandy: What they really should have done was stomp the fuck out of that goddamn cookie to crumbs the minute it popped out of the oven and started talking. Do you think Miss Pretty Face of Waco actually gave a shit about her "Daddy", or anyone else for that matter?
Jon: I think she cared about daddy’s money but not any actual people who weren’t the reigning Miss Pretty Face of Waco. Do you understand the phrase “Get your goat”?
Sandy: Yes. It means to piss someone off. If you have goats and someone takes one you'd be pissed off, soooo.... A smart, pretty girl like you can be whatever she wants? What about dumb ugly chicks? Or smart ugly chicks?
Jon: I think smart, ugly people in general can be almost anything they want but life is hard for us dumb ugly people. Is the Gingerdead Man shooting a gun the most bizarre part of the movie?
Sandy: Not even close. Though it was quite enjoyable. Was the music when Sarah's mother was in the oven straight out of a Simpson's Treehouse of Horror special?
Jon: Definitely. Does eating him seem like a great idea? That has to at least cause diarrhea right?
Sandy: So fucking gross, and also he's eating his own blood because he bled right into the seasoning that went into the dough.
Jon: What part of this story will be hardest to explain to the police?
Sandy: Every part. All of the parts, Jon. Every single one. Did he just lick her fucking head LIKE YOU DID TO ME WHEN I SHAVED MY MOHAWK SIDES, YOU SICK FUCK???
Jon:Oh yeah… I did that.
Lessons
If you receive food stuffs from an unknown source, don’t eat them.
Run away from walking, talking cookies.
If you are in the middle of an unusual occurrence and call for help, don’t tell the truth.
