It’s still December so we’re still watching Christmas movies. This time, we continued with Rare Exports. A group of foreign drillers has come to northern Finland near the Russian border to excavate a mountain. There they hope to find not gold or silver but something far more sinister. Meanwhile, Pietari, his father Rauno and the other locals are faced with multiple crises. The reindeer are all dead, the children of the town are vanishing and they’ve impaled a strange man in their wolf pit. Are these disasters related to the mountain excavation? Can Pietari rally the town and save it from bankruptcy and death? Is that too many old man weiners? Watch Rare Exports and read on to find out.
Questions
Jon: How much does the head of the drillers remind you of Toht from Raiders of the Lost Ark? Do you expect his head to melt? SANDY: Yes!! I couldn’t place who he seemed to remind me of, but I have a lot of notes specifically talking about his wildly creepy face.
Alison: I was wondering who he reminded me of! Thank you!
Jon: How awesome are Santa Claus mythologies that have him as more of a malevolent being? Could you imagine American kids processing a Santa that would boil them for being naughty? SANDY: Most of the older fairy tales and whatnot have some pretty dark origins. We’re always fucking with that to make the stories more palatable for the masses. In the original version of Cinderella, when one of her sisters tries to force the glass slipper to fit her, it fills with blood from her foot.
Alison: Yes, I love the darker mythology. Love the Christmas cat, Krampus, all of that.
Jon: Is “I’m too busy to answer stupid questions” your new go to line?
SANDY: I’d say there are no stupid questions, but I worked retail for years, so…
Alison: seems a bit rude. I don't know that I'd use it.
Jon: Does a bear trap in the chimney warrant grounding on Christmas?
SANDY: I’d say so, at the very least.
Alison: It's pretty genius actually. Harsh but genius.
Jon: How bad is it to catch a man in your wolf pit?
SANDY: I mean… the wolf pit WAS on their property.
Alison: Mortally wounded vagabond in your wolf pit? Pretty bad.
Jon: Is gingerbread the only way to celebrate tying up an old naked guy?
SANDY: I think gingerbread was just literally all they had. I’d much rather celebrate with weed though personally.
Alison: It looked super tasty. How awesome is core sampling of the earth?
SANDY: It’s fascinating but also feels like something we shouldn’t be fucking around with. It’s down there doing “down there stuff” for a reason.
Jon: I’m too busy to answer stupid questions but if I weren’t I would say this is the rare case where I’d find it interesting.
Alison: What's with European kids and mullets?
SANDY: This movie is from 13 years ago, but mullets have also made a comeback in the USA more recently, much to my chagrin at first. I’ve seen some I can get down with though, moreso when they’re worn kind of ironically.
Jon: What’s with Americans and their disdain for the ape drape? There are a few contests that pay decent money to the winners and the contestants have named their mullets too.
Alison: Why is Pietari in his underwear outside in the snow? SANDY: Because there’s no mom around?
Jon: Because he’s a little badass from northern Finland who doesn’t feel the cold.
Alison: Isn't it cool to see how different people's lives are in Lapland?
SANDY: Interesting, yes. Cool? Only if you’re talking about the temperature… OHHHHH!!! Seriously though, that life seems like a fucking horror show to me. No offense to the people actually living lives like that, it’s just too harsh for my spoiled ass.
Jon: I am not a little badass like Pietari and the cold really bothers me so that life does not look even remotely cool to me.
Alison: How bad do you feel for poor dad? Dude is holding so much tension.
SANDY: He probably hasn’t fucked a lady since 9 months before that kid was born.
Jon: I mean his kid is putting bear traps in the chimney, running around in his underwear, is scared of the family business and just lost the source of his income. I think sex is the least of his worries.
Alison: They thought the best plan was to butcher the dude who fell in their wolf pit?
SANDY: In all fairness, they THOUGHT he was dead. Seems like it would have been easier to drag him up the mountain and drop him back into that much bigger pit though…
Jon: They have to eat. Also chopping up the body makes it much easier to get it up that mountain.
Alison: Is it festive to enjoy homemade gingerbread during a hostage situation?
SANDY: I think so. It’s also probably smart to not be hungry while handling a hostage situation.
Jon: That’s the best time to enjoy homemade gingerbread.
SANDY: Hey, hi, hello… where the fuck are all of the women in this movie? It’s a total sausage fest.
Alison: I didn't even notice!
Jon: They’re all dead.
SANDY: Is anybody nice to this fucking kid?
Alison: The people are about as harsh as the environment it seems.
Jon: I think the dad is nice to him but there’s probably a high level of firmness that goes into child rearing in that climate.
SANDY: Whoa, skinny old white Mike Tyson, get ahold of yourself! What would it take for you to bite or try to bite someone’s ear off?
Alison: If someone hurt someone I love I'd bite their entire face off.
Jon: If someone gets close enough, I’m biting them anywhere I can.
SANDY: Just to double check… they WERE going to cut him up BEFORE making sure he was actually dead, right?
Alison: I think that was a lucky twitch. That dude was about to be cut up alive.
Jon: They almost had to. They had already committed multiple crimes so butchering a living person was only a small step.
SANDY: Would you actively on purpose bring your child closer to that fucking lunatic who had just bitten your buddy’s ear off and seemed awfully excited to see said child?
Alison: No, but these Laplanders are tough motherfuckers and seem to not worry much about stuff like that.
Jon: Gotta toughen that boy up somehow.
SANDY: This question is more specifically for Jon… Dear Jon, HOW COME YOU ALWAYS GET TO SEE YOUNG VOLUPTUOUS TITS AND ASS IN THESE MOVIES AND ALL I EVER GET ARE WEIRD OLD FLOPPY SHLONGS?!
Alison: You don't appreciate the old floppy dongs?! Even by the hundreds??
Jon: I give you hundreds and hundreds of hairy canaries and you complain? I could not find more flopping weiners in a movie.
Lessons
If someone takes the time to bury something that deep inside a mountain, don’t dig it up.
Be flexible. If the reindeer you hunt and sell are killed off, adapt and find a new source of income.
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