Happy Halloween 3

 Happy Halloween!  If you’re like me, you don’t need a movie to watch tonight because Halloween always gets watched on Halloween.  Some of you may choose to observe it differently, so if you’re stuck for a movie tonight maybe check out Thir13een Ghosts.  In Thir13een Ghosts, Monk, sorry, Artur Kriticos, inherits his creepy ghost-catching uncle’s all-glass house with a basement that contains 13 of the nastiest ghosts around.  These aren’t your run-of-the-mill spooky ghosts but rather the super murderous kind that you can only see with special glasses.  Of course, the glasses are in short supply and Arthur, his family, the nanny and some others who randomly showed up must fight to survive.  Why is the house full of ghosts so terrible?  Is it a sinister plot?  Watch Thir13een Ghosts and find out.

Questions

Jon- Was Matthew Lillard born to play Shaggy?  That’s all I can ever see him as anymore.  

SANDY:  I’m not totally sure I saw the live action Scooby Doo. I think mainly because I find Freddie Prince Jr to be so ungodly fucking irritating for some reason. He does seem like the perfect match for that role though.

Alison- Alison: yes he was although I never saw that. But he fits the part. 

Jon- So basically their ghost capturing methods are next gen Ghostbusters methods.  Does that make Thir13een Ghosts Ghostbuster 3?  

SANDY-  Fuck you, Jon. You fucking nerd.

Alison- Wasn't there already a Ghostbusters 3? Didn't we see that?

Jon- There was but this came out before it so Thir13een Ghosts is Ghostbusters 3 and that one is Ghostbusters 4.  Did you expect Tony Shalhoub to have OCD and be Monk?   

Alison- I've never seen Monk.

SANDY-  I’ve also never seen Monk! I can only picture him as the Dad in Marvelous Mrs Maisel.

Jon- When someone tells you that a family member squandered the family fortune, why would you ask if we have a family fortune?  

SANDY-  Her main purpose is boobs and teeth, not thinking.

Alison- Because duh. 

Jon- Would you live in a house like that?  Is the bathroom in the basement?  

SANDY-  FUCK NO. I’d take one fucking look at that thing and turn right the fuck around and be on my merry way. Maybe? Do ghosts need to shit?

Alison- No. Too many windows. 

Jon- If you ignore the guy warning you about the house full of dangerous ghosts, do you deserve what comes next?  Do you go in the basement when he tells you not to?  

SANDY-  Yes, and no. That’s some bad vibes right there. Why risk it?

Alison- Fuck no.  

Sandy- Have I ever told you about the huge crush I used to have on Matt Lillard? I think it stems from SLC Punk and my weakness for a Mohawkked smartass.

Alison- Not surprising at all. Haha

Jon- Did I ever tell you about the huge crush I have on Matthew Lillard?  Probably stems from him being Shaggy incarnate and the association to food and weed.

Sandy-  “A truck full of blood? You gotta be shittin’ me.” What was the point of that blood truck, really??

Alison- Not sure. It appeared to be bait for ghosts ? 

Jon- It’s there to up the gore content.  

Sandy- Is the singed portrait of his dead wife a bit much, or am I just a heartless twat?

Alison- You twat ! 

Jon- Both can be true, you heartless twat.

Sandy- Miss Maggie doesn’t do windows, or cook breakfast… what does she do??

Alison- Follows the rest of them around making wry remarks, apparently. 

Jon- She makes a mean bologna sandwich.  Cuts the crusts off perfectly and her mustard spreading is exquisite.

Sandy- What do you want to look like if you become a creepy ghost?

Alison- A drowned woman. Perpetually leaking water onto the floor. 

Jon- Me.

Sandy- “Did the lawyer split?”

Alison- Hilarious. 

Jon- Yes but the jury was hung.

Alison- Is F. Murray Abraham like the coolest mf or what?  

SANDY-  The actor? Yeah, he seems cool, but don’t anyone come at me if he’s a creep in real life because I’m not going to research his entire history right now. The character in this film? BATSHIT.

Jon- The coolest?  Nope but he’s pretty cool.

Alison- Is Tony Shalhoub at all believable as Shannon Elizabeth's dad?  

SANDY-  Absolutely not. They’re like the same fucking age.

Jon- More believable than if he were her boyfriend.

Alison- Do you want to inherit a creepy mansion in the hills?  

SANDY-  Not if it looks like that. Or has angry ghosts trapped inside on purpose.

Jon- Sure but it won’t happen since I don’t have a creepy, ghost hunting uncle living in a mansion in the hills.  But I’m open to being adopted by one.

Alison- Do you wish you had special glasses that show you ghosts ?  SANDY-  Yes. And also no? I’d be curious to see some ghosts, but I also kind of wonder if knowing they’re there would be more likely to just freak me out. I don’t want to know if some ghostie perv is watching me take a shit if there’s nothing I can do about it.

Jon- I definitely want to know if a ghost is watching me shit but that would also make me completely unable to shit again.  So I guess that’s no glasses for me.

Alison- Sliding glass door death = cool?  

SANDY:  It reminded me of when I went to see the Bodies exhibit!

Jon- Absolutely!

Lessons

1. If the creepy guy warns you about the dangerous ghosts in the house, listen to him.

2. If you live in a glass house, everyone will see you shit.

Happy Halloween Part 2!!!

 Happy Halloween again!  As we continue to celebrate Halloween for the entire month, we’ve moved on to an Alison choice- House on Haunted Hill.  Frederick Loren (Vincent Price) invites a group of strangers to spend a night in a haunted, murder house for $10,000 which doesn’t seem like nearly enough either in 1959 money or today.  Almost immediately the night goes wrong.  The caretakers are mistaken for ghosts.  There’s a pool of acid.  Nora can’t handle the stress.  Guns are handed out as protection against ghosts?  As the night progresses, secrets are revealed and people die but is it ghosts or something far more sinister… like other people?

Questions

Jon- If 7 people were murdered in a house, would you go anywhere near it?  How much money would it take to get you to spend the night?  Or would you buy it if the price was good in this real estate market?

Alison- I would live there in an instant if there was no mortgage. 

SANDY-  It would depend on the circumstances of the murders. Like a mass murder in one home invasion break-in (then yes I would) vs 7 separate murder events (no fucking thank you). If it were the first of the scenarios I mentioned, I might stay there if it was a bed and breakfast, but there’s no amount of money that would get me to stay there otherwise. Not unless I could have a seriously armed security team with me, MAYBE. I would definitely buy the house though if it were within my budget. I’d just sell that shit or knock the house down and build a new one after some serious de-ghosting of the property.

Jon- Where does Vincent Price land in your ranking of the coolest people to ever live?

Alison- Probably near the #1 spot. I adore him. 

SANDY-  Oh man, he’s up there. I’d say he’s within the top 20 for me.

Jon- How strange of an expression is “putting on my face”?  Did women not have faces before makeup?

Alison- I always thought that was weird. Also seems to be outdated now. 

SANDY- MY GRANDMA ALWAYS SAYS THAT!! It’s pretty weird. There’s a joke in I Love Lucy where she and Ethyl go to “put on new faces” after eating, and Fred is disappointed that it’s always the same old face when Ethyl gets back. Fred was a cunt. Don’t be like Fred.

Jon- How quaint is it that in 1959 $10,000 was a life changing amount of money that you’d risk your life for it?

Alison- It's so cute. Although id probably still do it for 10k

SANDY-  It’s still a life changing amount of money for a lot of people, though it won’t get you anywhere near as far now as back then, of course.

Jon- Which is creepier to find behind a door- the old lady ghost or a leering Annabelle?

Alison- I'm going with behind the door old lady ghost.

SANDY-  Oh my god, definitely the old lady. Not for Annabelle’s husband though probably.

Jon- Has anyone ever gone from terrified to calm faster than Nora?

Alison- She's definitely hanging on by a thin thread. 

SANDY-  Maybe someone professionally drugged her at a hospital before surgery?

Alison- Do I sense sarcasm or does Edward actually find his wife amusing ?  

SANDY-  Those were some of the most vaguely threatening words ever uttered by a human being. 

Jon-  Sure he finds her amusing, just not in a good way.

Alison- Are Edward and Annabelle the most happily married ever?  SANDY-  Yoooooo… BOTH of them knew the other wanted them dead, yet they were still like “yeah, okay. This is fine.” ??????

Jon- You know the three rings of marriage right?  Engagement ring.  Wedding Ring.  Suffering.  They are definitely in the suffering stage.

Alison- Why is everyone so okay with Pritchard running around with a butcher knife?  

SANDY-  I had to look up who that was because I am so bad with names. That dude is such a constant nervous wreck. I don’t remember/understand why he chose to return to the house at all??

Jon- It’s no worse than giving them all guns.  I’m pretty sure knives and guns don’t work on ghosts.

Alison- Anyone check what 10k would be now?  

SANDY-  I haven’t looked it up but I’m guessing at least half a million dollars?

Jon- It’s around $100,000 but I’m guessing that 10k went a lot further.

Alison- Hahahhaha wouldn't you have mentioned Jonas and his wife to everyone at the beginning?  

SANDY-  Seems like something worth mentioning to me, yes.

Jon- Not if your goal is to make the guests super panicky.

Alison- Are guns inside coffins as party favors a little bit morbid?  SANDY-  Okay, MAYBE, BUTTTTTTT I’d be lying if I said it didn’t also seem like fun.

Jon- Definitely morbid but also unwise.  Nora is out of her mind and they give her a gun.  Also, I repeat, guns are ineffective against ghosts.

Alison- Is Nora a bit fragile ? Do you wish she had taken the sedative?  

SANDY-  Haha, at first I was like “did this motherfucker just casually offer that chick some drugs?!” But shortly afterwards I was like “JUST SHOVE THEM IN HER MOUTH.”

Jon- I don’t think there were strong enough sedatives in 1959 to help Nora.

Sandy- Love the classic screams and moans in the opening. Did I ever tell you about when I’d cruise around with my friends in high school after getting my drivers license and blast the Halloween sounds cassette tape at every traffic light if there were cars next to mine? 

Alison- That's a great idea! I'm going to try that ! 

Jon- That sounds way more wholesome than the shit we used to do.

Sandy-  So he’d pay $10,000 even if you don’t survive your stay? Awfully generous…

Alison- I still say I'd do it today for 10k.

Jon- I’d do it for $10k for sure but the money is useless if I’m dead.

Sandy- “Darling, the only ghoul in the house is you.”  Best line of the movie?

Alison- Yeah that was pretty badass. He's also right. 

Jon- The perfect summation of marriage.

Sandy- Do you think this is where they got the inspiration for the vat of acid episode on Rick & Morty?

Alison- I hope so. 

Jon- Maybe but I feel like the vat of acid is a pretty common trope.

Sandy- Would you go back into a room that had locked you in of its own accord?

Alison- Fuck no. There are so many things these people do that I’d never do. Except stay in a haunted house for 10k. That I'd do. 

Jon- No but how did I get out in the first place?  If it’s going to lock me in but then let me out, I’d do it.

Sandy- What if he had opened the suitcase and it had been filled with dildos?

Alison- You're thinking of the Haunting of Head House.

Jon- The House of Grunted Thrills?

Sandy-  Do you think the tryout for Nora was just testing to see which actress could sound the most like a football coach’s whistle?

Alison- She is so shrill. The perfect casting ! 

Jon- She probably needed to show off some scared faces too.

Lessons

1. Don’t bring a gun to a ghost fight.

2. A pit of acid will dissolve you to a wired together skeleton.

Happy Halloween Part 1!!!

Happy October!!  Happy Halloween!!  Happy Spooky Season!!  We’re doing things a little differently during October-  no days, just horror because in October, Horror doesn’t need special days.  Just watch something scary- definitely fictional and enjoy the scares.  We’re going to give you a few suggestions though.  This week’s suggestion is Martyrs.  Martyrs is absolutely amazing BUT I swore I’d never watch it again.  Martyrs is the most disturbing movie I have ever watched which is saying something.  I don’t know if it’s the incessant bleakness, the brutality, the sheer number of squirm inducing scenes or the way it all ties together into a symphony of sadness that, for me, is inescapable.  Take this as your warning- Martyrs may leave you a bit messed up.  

Questions

Jon- Fuck fuck fuck, why did you guys make me watch this again? Sandy- That’s on me. I remembered the very end from watching it years ago but couldn’t remember the rest of the movie and wanted to see it again, with opinions from you goons.

Alison- I am in no way responsible for this! This is entirely Sandy hahaha!

Jon- I cannot believe I’m watching this again.  Damn French Extremity.  Is there such a thing as common abuse? 

Sandy- Oh, there are alllllll different kinds of abuse, so I’m going with yes. Doesn’t mean it’s okay because it’s “common”, just that it happens more frequently amongst a wider variety of people than other kinds of abuse.

Alison-  It's when you sling insults at Common. Which I don't think you'd want to do. 

Jon- Martyrs is THE most disturbing movie I’ve ever seen and you guys are making me watch it again.  What’s the most disturbing movie you’ve ever seen? 

Sandy- I’m not totally sure what the most disturbing movie I’ve ever seen is, honestly. This one is close to the top if not at the very top though.

Alison- Definitely Old Boy. Definitely. 

Jon- It’s so fucking bleak.  The whole movie is just one downer after another.  Lucie needs some help right?  

Sandy- Bleak is exactly what I wrote in my notes also. I had to watch something funny and kind hearted afterwards so my soul didn’t die as I was sleeping. Lucie needs a LOT of help. But I can’t imagine ever being able to trust anyone ever ever ever again in my whole life after going through what she went through. The way they had that woman she had to leave behind haunt her as her own survivor’s guilt was absolute fucking genius.

Alison- Lucie needs a team of inpatient psychiatrists and an exorcism. 

Jon- Damn this movie.  More discomfort per minute than any movie ever.  Did you squirm when Anna was cleaning Lucie’s back wounds?  And that’s just the beginning of the squirmy uncomfortable moments. Sandy- I squirmed more when they happened, but yes, cleaning them was also a very squirmy moment.

Alison- That whole wound cleaning thing doesn't bother me, unsurprisingly. The squirming was with the wrist slitting for me. 

Jon- How about removing huge staples from someone’s head?  Disturbing enough? 

Sandy- OH MY GOD, that was so fucking insane and gross. This is a seriously graphic and upsetting movie. Incredibly well done, and totally horrific.

Alison- Nah I'm okay with that. The self harm gets me though.  Anna is an intense little human huh?

Sandy: Oh my god, seriously! Lucie too though. I’d be curious to know more about Anna’s backstory.

Jon- Everything in this movie is intense so Anna might as well be too.

Alison- So do we think this is a night terror ?

Sandy- They did such a good job keeping the viewer engaged while still somehow being in the dark about what was really going on with the story as a whole. 

Jon- Nope this is full scale, trauma induced, hallucinating.

Alison- Worst breakfast ever?

Sandy- What an intense scene that was! Just fucking brutal. And a wild ride emotionally, since you start out feeling badly for the family and slowly realize they deserved much much worse.

Jon- Nope.  The worst breakfast ever was on April 22nd 1983.  We don’t talk about the Corn Flakes incident.

Alison-How mentally ill is this girl? 

Sandy- If she were a dog at a shelter, they’d probably put her down. It’s so hard to watch, especially once you realize that her mental illness isn’t her fault. She was probably a normal little girl before they kept her hostage and abused her for who knows how long.

Jon- On a scale of one to batshit?  

Alison- What do you think the resale value of this house is ? 

Sandy- I mean… it’s got a lot of storage space.

Jon- It’s nothing a good clean up crew can’t fix.  Easily a million dollar home.

Alison- Wait … .a 115 pound girl dragged a full grown man into a death pit ? 

Sandy- Adrenaline is a hell of a drug.

Jon- She’s a strong, crazy, independent woman.  She can move mountains.

Alison-How codependent are Anna and Lucie? 

Sandy- There is some serious codependency happening here, but I do understand it, after having seen the entire film. I feel so badly for Anna also. She tried so hard to be a good friend to Lucie, with wildly unwavering support, and her reward was being abused and ultimately skinned alive because some dumb old turban wearing white twat wanted to know if there was an afterlife so she could kill herself??

Jon- I don’t think she planned to kill herself.  I think whatever secret she was told was so significant, maybe so wonderful, that she had to experience it for herself immediately.

Alison- Do you get the sense that Lucie is a danger to herself and others ? 

Sandy: Lucie breaks my fucking heart. She is absolutely a danger to herself and to specific others. But it’s because of the horrifying abuse she went through. She would have needed a very very very long recovery period, where she was in a completely safe space with completely safe and patient people. 

Jon- She’s not a danger to others unless they’re the ones who harmed her.  

Alison- Were you surprised when Anna found the basement ? 

Sandy: I was, but I was maybe more surprised that she went down there to explore it by herself like that.

Jon- Nope.

Alison- Are you a different person after seeing this movie ? 

Sandy: I don’t think I’m a different person, but the thoughts and emotions that swirl around in my head were definitely affected by watching and experiencing this movie. 

Jon- Different?  No.  Disturbed?  Fucking absolutely.

Sandy- What’s creepier than an abandoned pediatric hospital?

Alison-Very few things. Abandoned psychiatric hospital is second to that .

Jon- An abandoned morgue.

Sandy- Why does it always feel like nothing can get us if we’re totally under the covers??

Alison- Out of sight out of mind ? I don't know, I can guarantee no supernatural being has gotten me yet. 

Jon- I never felt that otherwise I would have watched Martyrs buried in a blanket.

Sandy- Low water pressure in the shower because of a dead mouse in the pipe? So you showered in dead mouse water? Were you also drinking the tap water? Did anyone else fixate on this as intensely as I did and still am?

Alison- Ugh it's like the Hotel Cecil when that poor woman died in the water tank and all the water ran black and smelled of death for everyone else. 

Jon- You didn’t know the government adds dead mice to all our drinking water the same way they add fluorine?  I thought that was common knowledge.

Sandy-THAT FUCKING BACK SLICING SCENE THOUGH. Did you squirm around like I did as it was happening? AND THE FUCKING SCENE WITH THE KNIFE AND HER ARM STICKING OUT OF THE CLOSET, WHYYYYYY??????

Alison- So much squirming for me, but mainly the self harm. 

Jon- Why?????  You chose this!!  You did this to me!!!!!  FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKKK!!!!!!

Sandy- WOULD YOU GUYS DRAG THE BODIES OF THE ENTIRE FAMILY I’D KILLED OUT TO A PIT IN THE RAIN WHILE I SLEPT IN THEIR BEDS?

Alison- I would do that for you, Sandy. 

Jon- Not while you sleep.  Your ass made the mess.  You can stay awake and help drag bodies to the pit.

Lessons

1. Seriously, heed the warning.  If you are easily disturbed, don't do this to yourself.

2. Help a friend drag the bodies of the people they killed but don’t do it all yourself.  People need to learn accountability.  

3. If you watch Martyrs, have a palate cleanser movie picked out.