Happy National Beach Day

 August 30th is National Beach Day.  For you sun worshippers, it could be your last trip of the summer.  A final opportunity to bask in the sun, frolic in the ocean and build a sand castle.  For me, the beach means days if not weeks of getting the sand off me, avoiding the water because it’s a fish toilet and gallons of sunscreen to avoid looking like a firetruck.  Instead of the beach, we celebrated with the classic Humanoids From the Deep.  So even if you’re at the beach, watch Humanoids From the Deep and enjoy the blog.

Trailer

Humanoids from the Deep (1980) ORIGINAL TRAILER [HD 1080p]

Questions

JON:  Does Tara Dawn and Nip N Tuck sound like the appointment calendar at a plastic surgeon’s office?

SANDY:  Haha, yes. I was thinking the exact same thing when I first saw the boat names. Did you catch the painted on fake wood paneling on that Jeep or whatever it was? Was wood paneling on a car ever stylish enough for replicating with a fancy paint job? Why is it starting to grow on me?

JON:  I don’t know if wood paneling was really stylish but it was popular.  We had a station wagon with wood poaneling.  Maybe you should paint paneling on your car.  Is there a more outdoorsmen shirt than the red and black flannel?

SANDY:  Maybe one that’s got fake chest and back hair puffing out all over the place like the fucking BAG OF YOUR OWN PUBES YOU GAVE ME FOR MY BIRTHDAY ONE YEAR? The red and black flannel is a classic for sure though. Did the one-legged seagull make you sad? Would you give a seagull a peg-leg?

JON:  The sea gull didn’t seem to mind so neither did I.  He also didn’t seem to need a peg leg.  He’s a bird.  He barely needs legs anyway.  If you yell at your kid in a horror movie, are you definitely dead?

SANDY:  No. Mrs. Brody yelled at her kid to get out of the boat in Jaws and she didn’t die. Though she did it out of concern for her son’s safety, whereas this guy was being a bossy douche to his son. Did you find the music to be very similar to the music in Jaws? I don’t mean the classic “Jaws sound”, but the background tunes?

JON: I noticed.  So many sea monster movies had Jaws-esque scores for decades after Jaws.  Does spilled gas always end up in a fire?

SANDY:  Are you asking if spilled gas always ends up on fire, or if spilled gas always gravitates towards an existing fire? That shit escalated so quickly. Did you like how that other dude stopped the dad from jumping into the water to go after his son, confidently exclaiming there was nothing he could do for him even though he actually had no idea what the fuck was going on? 

JON:  He was right.  Once that kid was in the water it was over for him.  At least, he didn’t explode with the boat.  Aside from the flare, were there gunshots on the boat that exploded?  Why does Jim think there were?

SANDY:  I don’t think so? Maybe he was confused by all of the exploding. In my notes I have “don’t hurt the dog”, “they hurt the fucking dog”, and then “ALL THE DOGS????” Why ALL of the dogs, Jon? WHYYYYY???

JON:  I think because the dogs were barking at them which ruined the element of surprise.  Does Peggy have the filthiest dishes ever?  

SANDY:  I don’t know if they’re the filthiest dishes ever, but there were definitely a lot of them. Out of all the possible weapons in a kitchen, would the tuning fork be your first pick?

JON:  It’s better than a spoon.  All her knives were probably caked in mold like that plate in her sink.  If Tom and Linda are going to be there any minute shouldn’t Peggy be wearing clothing?

SANDY:  Haha, what the fuck was with that?? When she was on the phone with Linda saying she was all ready and that Linda could come over, I wondered if they were planning to film a porn together. Does Peggy know how to wear a robe properly? Trick question. The answer is no, no she does not.

JON:  Define properly.  If you mean covering herself up with it then no.  Happiest band ever?  Gathering in general?

SANDY:  Well, who wouldn’t want to go hear some old fuck talk about putting in a huge fish canning factory in their town and then have pie or whatever the fuck was in there, followed with a huge fistfight motivated by a greedy racist pig? Did you want to murder everything that exists when that dumb old fuck referred to Dr. Drake as “a great little scientist”? Because I still do, and I watched it days ago.

JON:  It was pretty dismissive.  Could a cannery be the best thing to happen to a town?

SANDY:  No. Not in any scenario I could ever imagine. If you were old and rich, what would the business that got you there have been? 

JON:  Erotic Chocolate Shop and Merkin Distributor.  What could possibly go wrong with genetically altered salmon?

SANDY:  I’m not sure I have the kind of time or energy needed to type out the full list of possibilities I have running through my head right now. Obviously, rapist humanoid sea creatures for one thing. They could grow teeth and become carnivorous like piranha, or become intelligent and aggressive and start hunting people, or get really lazy and stop swimming upstream to breed and die out as a species.... What would happen in a movie you made about genetically altered salmon?

JON:  It would look a lot like Humanoids From the Deep but with less rape and more chocolate dicks.  Would you ever go to an event like this?

SANDY:  Maybe to protest. If I lived in the town I wouldn’t want the cannery there and I’d probably want to go to shit like that to discourage people from being lured in by the false promises of a man who just wants more and more money and doesn’t actually give a shit about the town itself or the people in it. 

JON:  Did Johnny showing up with his dead dog the highlight of this event?

SANDY:  STOP KILLING THE FUCKING DOGS!! Also, doesn’t it seem a bit excessive to drag Johnny out by his fucking neck? Is there anything that screams “I have a tiny useless dick” more than having your goonies hold someone still so you can beat the snot out of them?

JON:  Huge pickups, expensive sports cars, waving your tiny, useless dick around to name a few.  Was Jerry getting punched the best part of the event?

SANDY:  It was oddly satisfying, but I think my favorite parts were the shots when Dr Drake was dancing with that shorter dude and looking SUPER uninterested and bored about it. 

JON:  Are Jerry and Peggy so blinded by lust that it will get them killed?

SANDY:  Yes. That is definitely a guarantee in horror films. Fucking means you die. Do you think that concept in horror movies originated as a mockery of puritanism, or as a puritanical warning against sexual desire?

JON:  I think it started as a reaction to the sexuality of the 60’s and reflected the rise of the moral majority in the U.S.   Is the head the best part?

SANDY:  If you’re referring to what Jerry’s head looked like after being attacked by that sea creature, then yes. Since that one sea creature raped & impregnated Peggy and the doctor said it was because they were driven to mate with humans now for some dumbfuck reason, I’m wondering if ALL the sea creatures were male somehow? Do you have a theory about that?

JON:  They had frog DNA too so maybe they’re like that species of frog that can spontaneously change gender or maybe the genetic modifications only affected the males.  Ventriloquists get laid?

SANDY:  Nothing is sexier than a ventriloquist’s dummy. Can you speak without moving your lips?

JON:  Sure but you won’t be able to understand the words.  Does everyone in this town wear motor oil hats?

SANDY:  I totally didn’t notice that!

JON:  Fuck Slattery?

SANDY:  No one should ever fuck Slattery. What a grimy piece of shit. Johnny saving him at the carnival makes Johnny an admirable person, which I’m glad they did for his character, but I’m not sure I would do the same in real life for someone I knew had killed my dog. How much did that scene on the broken dock with Slattery remind you of the scene from Jaws when Quint is on his sinking ship and gets eaten by the shark?

JON:  I hadn’t thought of it until now but it was very similar.  It goes back to that sea monster movies post-Jaws score thing.  Does everything in this town explode?

SANDY:  Literally everything. Dropped your pen? TAKE COVER! Maybe that Molotov cocktail was stuffed with flammable liquid AND dynamite? Or maybe the cabin was insulated with dynamite? Maybe there was a dynamite factory in town once and it bribed everyone to allow it’s opening by building everything for free, with the catch that it had to be made out of dynamite. But it closed down eventually because it couldn’t turn a profit after spending so much time building everything in the town out of its product. I’m not even stoned right now. Who was your favorite character in the movie? 

JON:  Johnny by a lot.  How much more does Dr. Drake know than she is letting on?

SANDY:  Early on, quite a bit more. I do think she ended up being pretty honest about things in the end though. I definitely believe that she likely tried to report the escaped altered salmon immediately and was stopped by someone who didn’t want the project shut down for financial reasons. BUT, she should have reported that shit anyway. Do you think Slattery would still support the cannery after they caused all of this shit?

JON:  Actually no.  I think Slattery was struggling and saw the cannery as his savior and anyone who opposed it was hurting him financially but I think he would have opposed it after the sea monsters.  Isn’t a carnival loud enough without a marching band?

SANDY:  You would think so. 

JON:  Are you Miss Salmon?

SANDY:  Yes. This movie came out the year before I was born, but that’s me. Someone actually figured out what my spirit animal was once, based on my birthdate and year or something & know what? It was a salmon. What’s your spirit animal, Jon??

JON:  Danny Trejo is my spirit animal.  How did the sea creatures know when the festival was?

SANDY:  That dang marching band. Imagine if all they wanted was some popcorn but didn’t understand how to go about getting it and killed all of those people out of the frustration of not being understood and thusly unable to get their popcorn? What is a food that you like enough to murder a town full of people for?

JON:  Pizza, sushi, burgers.  Shit just about anything really.  Why didn’t Jim get his wife and child to safety before the festival?

SANDY:  Listen, Jim is a busy man. He can’t think of everything.

JON:  How far away would you move?

SANDY:  Where was this supposed to have been taking place? I don’t remember a specific town name. I’d want to continue living by the ocean, but certainly not close enough for those fucking things to come after me. Maybe I’d want to head for the mountains after that experience though. A house on a hill surrounded by spiky walls and what else kills salmon... maybe a lot of sushi chefs? Why did Peggy’s eyes turn white after that baby creature broke through her stomach like in Alien? Also, why would they allow that shit to happen and not have immediately aborted and removed that fucking thing to save Peggy’s life and really, the future of humanity?

Jon:  This was 1980.  They weren’t going to go to an abortion subplot.  I also think they knew what would happen if the baby was born but some evil corporation really wanted to see the result.  As for the eyes and the Alien style chest bursting, I’m sure the science was sound.

 

Lessons

1. Fill the gas in the winch when you get on the boat.  You can’t have a child rushing to fill the gas when you need the machinery to operate 5 minutes ago.

2. Don’t have sex on beaches.  Sand covered genitalia are the least of your worries.  There could be a genetically mutated salmon, frog, man creature stalking you.

3. When you’re off being a hero, don’t forget your family.  There’s no point in saving the town if your family gets killed by sea monsters while you’re busy.  Get them to safety then play hero.

National Aviation Week

 This week is National Aviation Week.  The celebration of flight is always the week of Orville Wright’s birthday which seems kind of fucked up.  What about Wilbur?  What week does he get?  The answer appears to be no week.  Why are we disrespecting Wilbur so much?  He is clearly the lesser Wright Brother in the eyes of the holiday creators.  It’s so outrageous that I almost want to cancel this blog post but since we already watched Flight of the Living Dead, I’ll post it.  So sit back, celebrate flight and watch zombies on a plane mayhem.  Also, remember Wilbur.

Trailer

Flight of the Living Dead Trailer

Questions

JON:  Do you want to know what’s on your plane if you’re the pilot?

SANDY:  Fuck yeah I do. If I’m not in the military and no one has brainwashed my free will away, I’d be telling them to fuck right off. I’d excuse myself from flying the plane if they weren’t going to be removing whatever it was they were hiding on board. 

JON:  Is the phrase “highly unorthodox” always really code for illegal?

SANDY:  Not necessarily. I guess it depends on who is speaking the words. For instance, making a mold of your actual asshole and subsequently having chocolates made in the shape of said asshole and sending them to your friend for her 40th birthday could be considered “highly unorthodox”, but it’s apparently not illegal at all. Was the chocolate dick you sent to me last year made from an actual mold of your dick?

JON:  Of course it was and you ate it.  The gummies were scaled down versions too.  Should the success of your company rely on reanimating the dead?

SANDY:  I don’t think it’s generally a great business plan. I’m sure there’s potential for quite a bit of money making, depending on how unscrupulous the CEO’s are, and if they’re reanimating corpses and offering the results to the highest bidders they’d have to be pretty fucking unscrupulous people. If you were to start a company that sold reanimated corpses, what would be their purpose as a “product”?

JON:  Molds for chocolate genitalia.  Does she need to know Frank’s life story?

SANDY:  It’s the wormy guy from The Mummy! I think Frank believes everyone should know his life story, but I think everyone other than Frank would disagree. 

JON:  Do we need an airline just for criminal transport?  Like a Con Air?

SANDY:  I don’t know, Frank wound up being pretty helpful when things went super haywire. Plus, I wasn’t sure if he had been convicted of anything yet or if he was being brought back to France to face charges there? It seemed like his crimes were lying and thievery... he should have run for office! (Nyuck nyuck nyuck, why I oughta...) Who would you rather have on your zombie defense team, Frank or Dr Bennett (who also happened to be in The Mummy)?

JON:  Frank no doubt.  Dr. Bennett would only care about himself and get you killed and then try to research you.  Does a pilot making his final flight ever survive?

SANDY:  Absolutely not, especially if they have plans for a long relaxing retirement trip with their spouse immediately afterwards. Would you ever tell anyone it was your last flight or drive or day at the job or anything after seeing all of these kinds of movies?

JON:  It depends.  If there’s last day cake potential, I’m telling everyone because I like cake.  Who did you want to see get eaten first?

SANDY:  All four of those obnoxious douchebags that were dating and fucking each other’s partners. Who the fuck plays football on a plane??

 

JON:  Football players and mid-2000s douchey guys.  Billy’s wife- right or asshole?

SANDY:  Both. She’s not an asshole for wanting some alone time with her husband on their vacation, BUT until they arrive at whatever private hideaway spot they might be going to she has to deal with her hubby having fans approach him. He can’t control if people come up to him wanting autographs and those people are the only reason his playing golf even really matters at all. They wouldn’t be on their way to France for a vacation if nobody cared about golf, no matter how good Billy was at it. How was Billy able to get a golf club on the plane with him out in the open but old ladies can’t bring knitting needles?

JON:  Billy is Tiger Woods.  Since this came out in 2007 before any of Tiger’s public missteps, any fictional depiction of him could do just about anything including violating TSA rules which by the way seem to be largely non-existent in this movie.  Is this really the kind of thing that should be flying commercial?

SANDY:  Before they tell the viewers why it’s on that plane, I was very confused as to why they wouldn’t have it on a special military plane with troops and an escort of fighter jets ready to shoot it down if needed. I imagine it might only be “safe” to transport on a cargo plane, set down in the middle of a huge open floor space with tons of straps all over it and troops belted in all along the outer walls surrounding it, ready to shoot whatever might escape in an unpredicted scenario. But also, don’t transport something like that at all because don’t fucking make something like that to begin with. Why did they need to keep the Dr’s wife in a basement meat freezer for transport if the shit only activates when someone dies?

JON:  I think it was going to happen regardless and the freezer was meant to prevent it from happening too soon.   Guess we can add to the mosquito death toll?

SANDY:  Mosquitos are dangerous creatures. More than a million people die every year from mosquito-borne illnesses. That’s more than twice as many humans as humans kill every year! Also, just in case you were wondering, they have recently released genetically modified mosquitos in Florida (of course) to try and control a wild mosquito problem. They’re modified so that only the male mosquitos reach maturity and all female larvae die before they hatch, in hopes that they’ll basically fuck themselves to death as a species. I’d like to point out that 1.) this is some sexist bullshit, and 2.) THIS IS HOW THE MOVIE MOSQUITO BECOMES REAL LIFE. How much longer do we have before the genetically modified mosquitos take over, Jon?

JON: 6 years, 10 months, 1 week, 3 days, 14 hours.  Give or take.   Maybe an armed guard on a plane was a bad idea?

SANDY:  Certainly a guard with a fucking machine gun wasn’t the best plan. Wouldn’t the rest of the passengers have heard machine gun fire? 

JON:  I would think so but I’m not sure how insulated the cargo hold in a plane is.  He’s not a very good shot either is he?

SANDY:  I’ve never been on a plane, but I was always under the assumption that if a hole was punctured in any part of the plane it would cease to function properly... Would a plane keep flying safely with multiple bullet holes in it?

JON:  I don’t know the scientific answer but the cinematic answer is almost always no.  Do you miss the word biatch?  Biyatch?

SANDY:  Nope. Did I hear at least one of those zombies speaking?

JON:  Yes I believe you did.  Could Truman and Frank make their own action/comedy duo?

SANDY:  I’m waiting for Flight of The Living Dead 2; Hawaiian Vacation. Frank and Truman meet again and head out for a romantic getaway in the tropics. I’ve never been on a plane, so forgive my ignorance here, but are the floors in a plane made out of cardboard? How was it so easy to break through with some dead-ass hands?

JON: I think they’re thicker than that.  You can walk on them and not feel any give so they must be pretty… wait you’ve never been on a plane?  I guess it;s not that weird but it’s always surprising.  Does the guy in the beret remind you of Mama Fratelli from The Goonies?

SANDY:  YES. Oh my god, I was trying to figure out who the fuck he reminded me of and THAT’S IT for sure. Good call. When that flight attendant went for the onboard first aid kit, what were your thoughts? Also, “please take your seats, everything’s fine”....?!?!

JON:  You have to keep the passengers calm in that situation so yes that would have been what I said maybe.  Or I would have shouted something about us all being screwed and that we’re going to die.  If you were being transported to jail and the marshall got knocked out, would you try to escape?

SANDY:  No, I’d help and hope they took mercy on me for taking care of him. I don’t have the energy for constantly being on the run or always needing to check behind me to see if someone’s found me out. I’d just go to jail and read a lot. Would you go down into what basically amounted to a zombie ball pit to retrieve a weapon that might not even have ammunition left in it?

JON:  At that point, probably.  They were basically out of ammo so they were likely to die anyway.  The gun in the zombie cargo hold death pit was really the only hope. Ever been hit in the head with a suitcase?  Want to try?

SANDY:  Not that I can remember, but I HAVE accidentally punched myself in the eye while trying to zip my suitcase shut. Fire bomb inside the plane??

JON:  Always a good plan.  At what point did this become the worst flight of Captain Banyon’s career?

SANDY:  The moment he said “I’m glad this is my last flight”. Physically though, I’m guessing when his copilot came back into the cockpit with a hole bitten out of his neck. Would you have opened the cockpit door for your frantic copilot without knowing what the possible risk of letting him in might be?

JON:  Absolutely not.  That’s another time the people on this plan blatantly violated TSA directives.  An experienced pilot wouldn’t let anyone in the cockpit at that point.  He has no clue if it’s a terrorist or zombie situation.  How scared would you be if your dead spouse attacked you in the cargo bay of an airplane?

SANDY:  I would be feeling a plethora of emotions. She wasn’t dead when they put her in that meat freezer, so I’d be sad at the realization that she had in fact died, and rather upset and horrified that she had reanimated, and probably shitting my pants as she charged at me. Getting eaten alive doesn’t sound like a party I’d like to attend. What would you do if you woke up one day and Alison was a zombie?

JON: Destroy her brain like a good zombie fighter.  Could Frank really believe he can escape?

SANDY:  If he’s a con man, he’s probably good at conning himself too. I guess desperation will drive a person to all sorts of strange business. What the fuck was he hiding inside of?

JON: I think he was hiding in the walls.   If you were the pilot, would you land the plane anywhere?  Although presumably they are over the Atlantic Ocean, where would they land?

SANDY:  Well, it looked like they landed on Mars. If it were possible to land in the middle of an open uninhabited area, that would be ideal for handling whatever zombies made it through the crash. Could a plane like that land on an aircraft carrier?

JON:  I think it’s too big for that.  An aircraft carrier would not have a long enough landing strip.  Why does Dr. Bennett have more authority than the air marshall?

SANDY:  Arrogance? 

JON:  Who has to clean that bathroom?  How much would you have to get paid to do it?

SANDY:  I’m guessing someone on the ground wherever they land normally. Though if there’s a huge mess made in it during a flight, someone must have to clean it in the air... a flight attendant maybe? I’d have to be paid at least $1,000 to be cool with cleaning an airplane bathroom, but that number would go up based on how filthy it was. Did you think something was going to pop up out of the toilet and grab that twat’s face while she was puking?

JON:  You work cheap.  Wanna clean my bathroom?  I was hoping but the mirror was good too. Are these bite wounds more than an airplane first aid kit can handle?

SANDY:  HAHAHAHA, I asked an airplane first-aid kit related question too! And yes, how fucking ridiculous. When she walked over to it, I thought “ummmmm...... no.”

JON:  Are Truman and Paul wasting too much ammo?

SANDY:  Oh my god, yes. They need more golf clubs. What would you use as a zombie killing weapon on a plane now that people aren’t allowed to bring anything weapon-like on board?

JON:  Laptops or maybe the armrests if I could get them off quickly enough.  Have his side effects eaten all the passengers?

SANDY:  Haha, almost. How many fucking people were on that plane?

JON:  It looked like about 30-40 but that plane looked like it could hold 900 people.  How big is this plane?

SANDY:  Exactly! A staircase? I don’t know what planes look like on the inside from personal experience, but this one seemed endless. Have you ever been on a plane with a staircase? Is that a normal thing?

JON:  I haven’t been on a plane with stairs but I’ve seen them in movies.  I think it might be a long flight thing.  Is 2 in the chest, 1 in the balls a sound strategy?

SANDY:  Who the fuck doesn’t know that you shoot a zombie in the head to take it out?? Or chop it’s head off or stab it in the head, whatever. Brain damage is essential. How mad would you be in a zombie apocalypse if someone you were with wasn’t solely taking head shots?

JON:  Depends on ammo and efficacy.  It seemed these zombies died from non-head shots so I’d be okay with it.  Is dragging a body with your teeth good for your dental health?

SANDY:  I think at that point there’s not much concern for dental health going on at all. I did quite enjoy the visual though. What’s the heaviest thing you’ve ever carried in your mouth? Alternately, what’s the largest thing you’ve ever put in your mouth?

JON:  A chocolate mold of my dick.  Would you shoot this plane down?

SANDY:  Yassss. Actually, I might blow the whole thing to smithereens so there’s no chance for something to get out if the plane crashes. Where did all the zombies getting sucked out of the plane go, other than the ones that wound up smashing into the fighter jet??? Will they survive that fall? WILL THEY SPREAD THEIR SYNDROME ACROSS THE LAND?? IS THERE AN ACTUAL SEQUEL?

JON:  Presumably, they fell into the ocean or splattered on the ground.  I don’t think that’s survivable even for a zombie.  Sadly, there is no Flight of the Living Dead 2: Crash Landing.  Should Frank get a full pardon?

SANDY:  Absolutely! Well.... he should maybe still have to go to counseling or be under monitored house arrest so he doesn’t con anyone else. But he shouldn’t have to go to prison after this experience and his heroic actions. What was your favorite part of the movie?

JON:  Probably the bathroom scene where I was waiting for the toilet zombie which never came but you got rid of almost all the annoying characters in seconds. Did you feel bad for the old Asian zombie woh was seatbelted in through his entire afterlife?

SANDY:  HE NEVER GOT TO BITE ANYBODY! But, he also made it clear how important staying belted in your fucking seat can be. If everyone had done that, it would likely have been kept under control. Kind of like masks and quarantine and vaccinations with Covid. We’ll all end up suffering for some selfish shitty dumbfucks. That actor looked familiar to me but I can’t place him... has he been in something else that I might have seen?

Jon: As far as I can tell, he wasn’t in anything else.  He just looks like someone and I can’t place it either.

 

Lessons

1. Don’t try to reanimate the dead even if it’s for the good of society.  Reanimating the dead is never good for society but it almost always leads to the end of society.

2. Pay for private shipping.  Rent a plane or something.  Don’t ship your dangerous experiments via Delta.

3. Don’t have sex with your partner’s best friend.  In horror movies, it’s a death sentence.  In life, it's just grimy.