National Farmers Market Week

The week of August 7th through August 13th is National Farmers Market Week. I would imagine the suggested way to celebrate the week is by purchasing produce at local farmers markets. Well the hell with that. I chose to celebrate by watching a movie about an independent farmer/motel operator named Vincent Smith - Motel Hell.

The Movie

Vincent Smith, aka Farmer Vincent, and his gorgeous sister Ida are the owners of the Motel Hello and a successful pig farm. They are well-known for their smoked meats centered on Farmer Vincent’s special, top secret recipe. Vincent is the brains of the operation while the voluptuous Ida does most of the manual labor. Vincent is a prideful, pious man selling his smoked meats at fair prices and he uses no preservatives or artificial ingredients. He is successful on the merits of his own hard work not government subsidies and Farm Aid concerts. It is clear very early on that the special seasoning Vincent uses is human, harvested from victims of accidents on a particularly treacherous stretch of road. That Farmer Vincent is causing the accidents himself is irrelevant. Sometimes he runs short on meat and needs to supplement his supply. After a horrific motorcycle accident, Vincent goes to aid the victims, Boris and Terry. Vincent assesses that he is too late to help Boris and tickets him for his farm. Terry, on the other hand, catches Vincent’s eye and he brings her home to nurse her back to health. Big mistake Farmer Vincent. Terry is beautiful but not very bright. The following morning, Terry wakes and speaks with Vincent and his self-righteous half-witted brother Bruce, the local sheriff. Vincent is forced to explain to Terry that Boris has “passed away.” Terry does not fully grasp the concept and needs the simple euphemism explained to her. Bruce also takes the opportunity to lecture Vincent on the need to call the police when there is an accident. Further complicating Vincent’s life is the nosy health inspector Bob who shows up to do a spot check of the farm. Bob becomes curious about the secret garden that Vincent keeps but does not ask Vincent about it and obtain answers from Vincent. No, this snoopy motherfucker Bob decides to sneak back in the middle of the night to climb the wall and illegally inspect the garden. Bob is intent on shutting Vincent down but Vincent, in a reasonable act of self defense, clubs Bob with a shovel and adds hime to the special ingredient, head garden that Vincent keeps. Soon, Vincent adds the members of the band Ivan and the Terribles to his garden after their van, driven by a stoned band member, careens off a hill after inexplicably running over Vincent’s bear traps in the road.

Terry is adjusting to life on the farm very well, though the fresh air is not making her any smarter. The family and Terry go on a picnic where Terry fails to pick up in the hints that the ham she is enjoying is partially human. Vincent even tells her “It takes all kinds of critters to make Farmer Vincent’s fritters.” Terry is amazed and tells Vincent “No wonder you're famous. How come I never heard of you?” Terry may be suffering from a brain injury. Simple things confound her but she is thriving on the farm. She seems to take a shine to Bruce and goes boating with him. That night Bruce takes Terry to a drive in, sort of. He busts a make out spot near the drive in and pulls out binoculars because he’s too cheap to actually pay for the movie. Then Bruce tries to make out with Terry who turns him down. Bruce does not take no and starts to force himself on Terry but he is interrupted by an emergency. A woman is being chased by another car whose driver wishes to kill her. It turns out Vincent used the fake cows in the road trick to stop the woman and her friend in the road. When her friend is caught, the woman speeds off with Vincent in hot pursuit and soon Bruce not far behind. Bruce, however can’t drive and gets his car stuck in the mud. The garden grows even richer when two horny swingers show up at the motel thinking it’s a swingers resort. They trash the room and begin to engage in bizarre fetish behaviors so Vincent and Ida are forced to protect their property.

Terry continues to be a problem. Vincent decides he would like to take her under his wing and teach her the art of meat smoking. That sounds dirty but Vincent is too pure for that filth. Predictably, this makes Ida very jealous and she tries to drown Terry but Vincent gets there just in time to save Terry. Terry, very thankful to be alive, tries to seduce Vincent but Vincent will have none of that unless they are married. Vincent is very virtuous and Terry decides to accept the proposal. Bruce is stunned and extremely jealous of the pending nuptials. He makes horrible accusations about Vincent including that he has “syphilis of the brain.” He also finally decides that maybe he should do his job and investigate the disappearances near his brother’s farm. Bruce soon stumbles upon the truth while Terry is unable to recognize the difference between normal champagne and green drugged champagne. Like I’ve said she’s not the sharpest tack. Things devolve into chaos for Vincent and Ida including escaped human plants and an epic chainsaw duel.

How It Fits I With the Day/ Why Did I Choose This Movie

Motel Hell, with its depictions of the complications farmers face, is a great way to honor Farmers Market Week. As a pig farmer, Vincent excels at his craft creating smoked meats that are none throughout the county. He is so dedicated to his craft that he only sells his meat locally to ensure freshness. He embodies the hard work and dedication a farmer must have to be successful. Vincent and his family have long known that “meat’s meat and a man’s gotta eat” and have gone to great lengths to provide the finest product they possibly can.

Lessons

None of us are ever alone. We have ourselves. At your darkest, loneliest moments there is always someone there for you even if it’s the reflection in a mirror.

Traps give you the chance to explore your creative side. For Vincent it is bear traps and fake cows. I’m not giving you any ideas for traps. Be creative.

The most important lesson though is to skip the smoked meats if you don’t have a full ingredient list- sometimes they actually do use preservatives. Read the label. You don’t need polysorbate 60, sawdust or human in your smoked meats.