Happy National Pie Day!

January 23rd is National Pie Day.  I won’t impugn pie on its day even though cake is so much better.  There are plenty of wonderful pies like chocolate creme, banana creme and chocolate banana creme.  Meat pies are also pretty fantastic and Auntie Lee’s Meat Pies have to be among the best if you can swallow her special ingredient.  (No spoilers but it’s people!)  With a cast of cult icons, playmates and Mr. Miyagi, Auntie Lee’s Meat Pies is a perfect choice for the day. So grab a slice, read the blog and enjoy the movie.

Questions

JON:  How awesome do you expect a movie to be when it opens with a Suicidal Tendencies song?

SANDY:  I was definitely pretty stoked when the opening music started. What are some other movies with awesome soundtracks that we haven’t watched for the blog yet?

JON:  Some of my favorites are Return of the Living Dead, A Nightmare on Elm Street 3 and Deathgasm but there are so many others too.  If you’re transporting the bodies of people you’re murdering, should you always have a spare tire?

SANDY:  Yeah, that guy was a fucking moron. Everyone knows you make sure there’s a full sized functional spare tire and that all lights work for the entire car, that there’s more than enough gas and oil, windshield wiper fluid is full, etc etc. Total novice. Would you shoot a guy in the head while he was driving the car you’re also riding in? Also, how does that guy get into a person’s car so fucking quickly??

JON:  Depends on how fast he’s driving and how much I don’t like him.  That guy is a master at quickly getting into cars.  How evil is it to carjack a priest?  Probably less evil than murdering him maybe?

SANDY:  It definitely won’t count towards your “good deed” points while applying for National Honor Society, (clearly a major concern for this guy). What if that priest was one of the grabby ones though? Then it might actually be a good deed to get rid of him. I guess it comes down to the person’s intent. If you’re killing a priest because he molested a bunch of kids, you might be able to finagle some good deed points, but if it’s just because you’re a dick you get nothing. Sooo… he raped her and when she got home she was just like “whoops, well here’s dinner anyway”? Also, was that guy wearing an undershirt, or did he just have a SEVERE farmer’s tan?

JON:  Yeah she recovered from that very quickly.  It also sounded like it wasn't the first time.  I vote severe farmer’s tan.  How horny is that mechanic?

SANDY:  Probably about as horny as any mechanic. Which I guess is reasonably horny? How horny is your mechanic?

JON:  Average horny I guess.  He’s never been horny for me though so that’s disappointing.  “She certainly enjoys self service” as sexual innuendo?

SANDY:  It’s a pretty good one, though if I think too much about it (as I often do), is he saying that because he’s a typical douchey guy and he thinks her rejection of him means she must not like sex with other people at all, or is he just assuming she masturbates because she seems like a sexual being in general? Also, who cares what that guy thinks? Give 5 more examples of sexual innuendo lines that are of equal or better quality than what that enhancing said.

JON:  “Want to know my favorite beverage?  Mount and do.”  Anything about trimming bushes.  In sports, anything about ball handling.  The planet Uranus.  Referring to sailors as seamen.  Michael Berryman!!!!

SANDY:  I love him!

JON:  Would tassels be more appropriate?

SANDY:  Tassels are always more appropriate. If I die before you and Alison, will you both please wear tassels to my funeral/services?

JON:  Oh good another one of you thinking I’ll outlive you.  Sure why not?  Why does Fawn assume that Bob is running from a rape charge?

SANDY:  Because he’s a man? I don’t know why she would make that assumption, maybe to justify killing him in her own mind? Though I kind of doubt they need justification beyond making meat pies to feel better about killing any of these people. Maybe she was just trying to lure him in further by indirectly talking about sex or manipulating an assumed rape fantasy? Or maybe she has her own rape fantasy? Have you ever sniffed the wall art at someone’s house? Or started eating their groceries while they were in the other room for that matter?

JON:  I have done both those things while I was at your place.  Isn’t it sweet that Fawn is worried about the baby?

SANDY:  Not THE baby, Jon. Just Baby. If these are all supposed to be Auntie Lee’s nieces, where the fuck are all of their parents? Do you think they’re in on the family business?

JON:  The parents are probably in the business.  I think Auntie “adopted” the nieces as sort of a wayward home for troubled girls.  When you see Pat Morita do you just expect him to be Mr. Miyagi?

SANDY:  At first I was wondering why he looked so familiar, and then I think I yelled out “MR. MIYAGI!!!!!” followed by a quick IMDB check to make sure I was right. It was definitely weird to see him as a different character, but I think he did a pretty good job. 

A) Was that chicken blue? B) Was that chicken filled with dynamite?

JON:  A) Yes.  B) Yes.  Was Fawn too hard on Larry or should Larry understand the expectations better?

SANDY:  They were all too hard on Larry. He was trying to help them, but I’m pretty sure they could have had a good idea of his limitations and absolutely put too much pressure on him. Is Auntie Lee’s first name “Auntie” or “Lee”? Because I heard reference to the Lee family, which suggests it’s a last name, but could her name possibly be “Lee Lee”??? ORRRRR did they all just call her Auntie because she’s their aunt? SOLVE THIS RIDDLE FOR ME JONNNN.

JON:  Maybe her full name is Auntie Lee or it’s an affectionate term or she adopted them all.  Is getting picked up by a convict a very specific, possibly alarmist, concern?

SANDY:  I don’t know… my mom seems to think anyone I may ever talk to while living life could potentially be one, so… yeah. My mom is a total alarmist. Always worried I’ll get eaten by a shark when I go to the beach, warned me against mowing the lawn because of hornets potentially nesting in the ground… the list goes on.

JON:  Where is Larry’s badge?

SANDY:  He got one! Not from Mr. Miyagi, but he still ended up getting one. Do you think Larry could use a little vacation? Where do you think he’d want to go?

JON:  Larry could use a vacation to the irradiated deserts of New Mexico.  Is Magnolia going to be able to not talk to strangers?

SANDY:  Ha! No way. That’s what they all do. They talk to strangers and lure them to their deaths. HOW ELSE WILL THEY MAKE THEIR MEAT PIES JON??? Name 5 real foods that are less appealing than meat pies.

JON:  Calamari, Jello, avocado, tofu and cornflakes with piss.  I could go on and on especially if I add piss to it.  Who pissed in your cornflakes?

SANDY:  Do you want a list? Did Cornflakes sponsor this movie? I saw several Cornflakes references. HOW FUCKING HILARIOUS WOULD IT BE IF CORNFLAKES SPONSORED THIS MOVIE???

JON:  If they didn’t, they missed out.  They could have had a whole tie in with cornflake pie crust recipes and seasoning kidneys with cornflakes.  What a missed opportunity.  Would you hire Harold Ivars to find anyone?

SANDY:  Haha, no way. Though he actually didn’t do a terrible job of tracking Bob to where he ended up. Is “Professional Dick” an accurate description for Harold?

JON:  It’s pretty accurate.  Poor guy was just trying to do his job.  Is Larry fighting with the trunk of the car or the tire?

SANDY:  That’s a tough call… both?  Does saying “NOOO, THAT’S MY SECRET STUFF” ever get a cop to stop looking through your shit? Also, what’s with that random chicken foot in the trunk?

JON:  No I think that just ensures the cop is going through all your stuff including the chicken foot you were using as a back scratcher.  Are Coral and Sky believable as bird watchers?

SANDY:  No car nearby and they’re just standing on the side of the road staring into the sky? No way.

JON:  How subtle is shooting out tires of passing cars?

SANDY:  About as subtle as a garlic and onion sandwich. These chicks don’t need to be all that stealthy or intelligent about how they go about collecting their “meat”, since their targets are all dumbass men who’ll follow anyone in a short skirt to anywhere they want to take them. What’s the dumbest/most dangerous thing you’ve done to try and impress a woman?

JON:  Oh man, so many things.  I’ve climbed stuff, jumped off other stuff, ingested stuff.  All of it dumb and a lot of it pretty dangerous.  Does the band really not know how long they’ve been stranded because it was like 30 seconds?

SANDY:  They don’t seem too swift. Did the dudes in that band think nobody else could hear their commentary while they were all in the living room?? They were inches away from everyone else but saying all kinds of inappropriate shit…

JON:  They were generally unaware.  Maybe they talked so loud because they’re partially deaf from playing rock music.  Can you feel Craig’s vibes emanating from his body?

SANDY:  I wouldn’t want to get close enough to him to feel anything emanating from his body. If you can catch crabs from using a public toilet, I’d hate to find out what you could catch from standing too close to that dude. Are you aware of how much I love thumbs in the eye sockets??? I’m having deja vu and am pretty sure I’ve mentioned this before, but that’s my favorite way of defending myself in a fantasy attack.

JON:  Thumbs in eye sockets are pretty great.  We need to find a scene where it leads to a head being used as a bowling ball.  Is Baby the weirdest character in any movie we’ve watched?

SANDY:  Definitely not. What about the dude who lived in the lighthouse and fucked that sea creature? That was pretty weird. Or anyone in The Greasy Strangler??? Would you touch raw meat that was just laying in an open bucket in a random basement room??

JON:  Maybe?  It did seem weird but it also seemed weird that the meat was just laying there.  Also touching meat can go into the sexual innuendo answer.  Is there a real tattoo in this movie?

SANDY:  I am legitimately not sure I even noticed any tattoos. The guys in the band must have had some though? Why were they storing body parts everywhere?? Every time they opened a cabinet there were body parts in it… wouldn’t the entire house just stink???

JON:  They were overstock.  Perhaps they were preparing for a holiday rush or the nieces like their job way too much.  At what point would you have sensed danger and left this house?

SANDY:  Before I ever got there. Why was Auntie Lee looking up as she prayed/gave thanks to Lucifer?

JON:  Lucifer only lives below us in myths.  Looking up is indicative of Lucifer being all around us.  Or Auntie Lee just does whatever she wants.  Doesn't everyone have a fear of burglars and rapists?

SANDY:  Maybe not people who are burglars and rapists? Or people who have burglar/rape fantasies maybe? How about that wall/fence of dolls? I’ll bet if you fenced your yard in with that shit, you wouldn’t ever have to worry about burglars or rapists.

JON:  Or friendly neighbors, politicians and Jehovah’s Witnesses.  Would you like to get a hand on their meat pies?

SANDY:  No thank you. Who is going to eat their meat pies if they kill all the men in this town?

 

JON:  They are a feminist company.  They make their meat pies primarily for women.  Is this the worst movie band ever?  How much did they make you root for the girls?

SANDY:  They were super fucking obnoxious for sure, and it was massively satisfying to watch them get taken out one by one. What was the point of those ridiculously themed rooms?? What would your “Auntie Lee’s Meat Pie” room look like?

JON:  It’s like a strip club of the bizarre. My room would be filled with movies and while you were admiring the collection, the floor would open and you’d fall into a pit of spikes.   Does Auntie Lee’s stance on drugs seem to run in opposition to her views on murder and cannabilism?

SANDY:  Listen, drugs can get out of hand and make people careless and sloppy and she needs those chicks to be on their A-game at all times to be able to keep luring these idiots in for some meat-pie-ing.

JON:  Is this house just a strip club of the bizarre?  Here’s Coral in the rattlesnake room.

SANDY:  Coral was my least favorite of all of the women. Snakes don’t bother me, but the whole situation in that room was stupid. Was this entire house just an indoor mini golf course? How are each of these rooms so fucking enormous???

JON:  Real estate was really cheap when Auntie Lee bought the home which is a converted mall.  The large rooms were originally individual store fronts.  Or they just had a set that was too big.  Does everyone in this movie take everything to the extreme?

SANDY:  Mr. Miyagi seemed pretty chill for the most part.

 

JON:  Does murder seem like the kind of thing Sheriff Koal would let Larry off on?  Maybe he should have?

SANDY:  Maybe if she had asked a little bit nicer he really would have. “He didn’t mean any harm”… except for the intentional murder. Do you think I should try that approach the next time I have traffic court? Why would the police chief bring a suspected murderer back to his own house with his family instead of arresting him and calling them all down to the station???

JON: He was trying to get some free meat pies out of the deal.  He was generally incompetent.  He was looking for a bribe to let him go.  

 

Lessons

Make sure you have a spare tire.

Don’t go home with strangers.

 

Happy National Bath Safety Month

 January is National Bath Safety Month!  While there are many unsafe bath scenes in horror movies that would have fit, we went a little off.  There are no baths in Lake Placid so to speak though you could bathe in a lake.  Lake Placid does have Betty White so this was as much a tribute movie.  So take a bath but not with giant crocodiles and enjoy Lake Placid.

Questions

JON:  Does Sheriff Hank Keough look like he’s made of Twinkies?

SANDY:  Oooo! Like a Twinkie piñata??!!?! The question really is, would he be filled with whole wrapped Twinkies, or would he just be filled with loose mashed up Twinkies? Would you eat Twinkies that came out of a living human piñata? (If they were wrapped.)

JON:  I already have so I might as well do it again.  Is it weird seeing Mariska Hargitay as anything other than a cop?

SANDY:  I don’t watch any of those cop shows, so I had to look up who that was to figure out who the fuck you were referring to. So, no. Ha! Is it me, or did it not seem quite right that her “friend” went to talk to Kelly immediately after Kevin broke up with her, only to tell her that this friend was the reason Kevin was breaking up with her in the first place? That was confusingly worded, but you get the drift.

JON:  That was super slimy.  You can't bang your friend’s partner even if you used to date said partner until they’ve broken up and then you don’t go brag about it immediately after they break up.  When someone says “The heart wants what the heart wants,” how much does your heart want to punch them in the mouth?

SANDY:  I generally consider myself a pretty chill person, but I think hearing that line of bullshit especially in that scenario would immediately make my heart would want to rip theirs out and crush it to dust. What is your top favorite line from this movie? I’ll accept a top 3, because there are SO many great lines in it.

JON:  “If I had a dick, this is where I’d tell you to suck it.”  “Thank you Officer Fuck-Meat.”  “I’m rooting for the crocodile.  I hope he swallows your friends whole.  You might want to arrest me for that too.  Is that a crime?  To wish the chewing of law enforcement?”  Basically any of Mrs. Bickerman’s lines.  Who would want to sleep with Kevin anyway?

SANDY:  Well, apparently at least 2 fictional women. Maybe if you put a bag over his head to cover those stupid asshole facial expressions and also somehow muted him so you couldn’t hear his stupid asshole words. Why is everyone so mean to Sheriff Twinkie? 

JON:  He starts out as kind of a lecherous asshole so that’s probably part of it.  If you say you aren’t going to Maine, why did you go to Maine?

SANDY:  To keep her job I’d presume, though I’d be looking to get the fuck out of that job anyway at that point. Do they really dive under low visibility water to tag beavers? Beavers go on land sometimes, why wouldn’t you just do that shit on land in the first place?

JON:  I’m no beaver scientist but I am an avid fan.  You tag the beavers in the water because you can get into their lodges and just tag a whole bunch of beavers at one time.  Sometimes you can even pet the beaver.  Can Kelly really handle dead men?

SANDY:  Kelly can’t handle dead men, mosquitos, ticks, worms, timber and many other things apparently. Imagine having to drive that boat back to shore with half a dude in it??? Not enough Twinkies in the world to help a fella forget that shit.

JON:  In the words of Stone Temple Pilots he’s “half the man he used to be.”  Why does he have to supersede?

SANDY:  If he hadn’t superseded they might all just be staring at young girls’ asses and eating prepackaged baked goodies, instead of trying to figure out what was going on at that lake. What was he superseding about again? Something about Kelly being allowed to join them at the lake? Which she did anyway, sooooo….. Does Bill Pullman ever not play a semi-clueless permanently smirking boyish love interest?

JON:  Yes sometimes he plays the smirking boyish alien killing president.  Do you believe that Delores Bickerman killed her husband out of compassion and buried him?

SANDY:  No, but I love how matter of factly she happily states that she killed her husband. How could no one else live around that lake other than Delores and her now dead hubby? That’s a pretty big lake and waterfront property is always desirable. I’m not buying it. 

JON:  Well there didn’t seem to be many roads and probably limited electricity and maybe locals knew there were crocodiles in that lake.  How much did you want to feed Kelly to the crocodile?

SANDY:  Kelly was fully obnoxious but it was fun to watch her get thrown into the water over and over and over again. Which character do you think you’d play if you were in this movie?

JON: Sigh I’d be cast as Sheriff Hank Keough.  We are similarly built and share a love of Twinkies. Why would you go on the water in little canoes when you suspect there is a giant crocodile in the lake?

SANDY:  I have this EXACT QUESTION in my notes. Even if you didn’t have any idea of what might be in the lake, it already bit a man in half and decapitated a moose, so….. Aside from the little canoes, they DOVE again and then even tried to follow what they thought was a crocodile tail!!! WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY???

JON:  If you catch a crocodile by the tail, it has to give you its gold.  I think.  Is Hector an asshole?

SANDY:  Oliver Platt... Muthafukkin’ brilliant in this movie. He is a bit of an asshole, but I fucking love him. Betty White too, of course. All around, I’d say the entire cast was pretty perfect. AND HE SAYS BALLS LIKE I DO WHICH MAKES ME WONDER IF SEEING THIS MOVIE WHEN IT FIRST CAME OUT IS WHERE I GOT THE SAYING FROM???? SO. MANY. RIDICULOUS. LINES. Do you think Hector is “a mental”? Am I? Is everyone in our friend group?

JON:  Yes, yes and yes.  Does Kelly have a thing about everything?

SANDY:  Kelly seems to be a very anxious person in general. I think the city must have been getting to her, possibly dating that fucking dry toast excuse of a person did it too. Did you feel like calling bullshit when Kelly talked about spending time with her grandparents at their lake house based on her apparent distaste for all of nature?

JON:  Not necessarily.  She was probably the one that complained the entire time occasionally stopping to bitch and moan.  Was that an abnormally large toe?

SANDY:  That’s another question I had in my notes. I have stubby little children’s toes so I thought maybe I wasn’t the best person to reference on toe size, but if you also think it seemed ridiculous, then I feel vindicated. When Jack told Kelly she wasn’t going back in the water, did you stop and think to yourself, “CROCODILES CAN ALSO GO ON LAND, FUCKFACE”? (Or fuckmeat, if you will.)

JON:  I don’t know if that was solely out of concern that she’d get eaten.  I bet he was tired of fishing her out of the water.  These cops didn’t seem to be taking this very seriously did they?

SANDY:  It actually seemed like most of them were just kind of hanging out. Maybe there wasn’t enough in the budget to pay for any more speaking parts. They blew it all on Betty. WORTH IT. IS wishing for the chewing of law enforcement a crime?

JON:  Not yet but in the year 2125, when giant octopus from Cephalopodania are attempting to conquer earth and Twinkie eating cops are the last line of defense.  Would you chew the bark off Hector’s big fat log?

SANDY:  Maybe. He is pretty funny. And it has been a little while. Suspending a cow from a helicopter to lure a giant crocodile randomly in Maine into the trap of being drugged and brought to Florida… foolproof plan concocted by Maine’s best and brightest, or actual headline from a Florida newspaper?

JON:  100% a future Florida Man headline.  How many times is Kelly going to fall into the lake?

SANDY:  Not anywhere near enough. She can’t really seem to stay in any vehicle actually. Is Kelly a champion breath-holder though? How long was she stuck under the water for? And would you want “to stay behind and say goodbye to the lake” after all of that??

JON:  She was New York State breath-holding champion in 1988.  She had no intention of saying goodbye to the lake.  She was hoping for some sweet loving by the lake.  How much sooner would you have punched Hector?

SANDY:  As the sheriff? When he called the sheriff fat right as he first got there. Pretty sure Hector was rounder than Sheriff Twinkie. What would it take to get you to punch someone now?

JON:  Not very much.  At what point would you say “Fuck it.  Let’s leave the crocodile alone?”

SANDY:  Maybe when it bit that dude’s head off on the boat? Definitely when I saw it take that bear down. HOW FUCKING SAD WERE YOU FOR THAT CGI BEAR THOUGH???

JON:  That bear looked like it instantly deflated as soon as the crocodile bit it.  It went from shitty 90s CGI to rug in front of the fireplace in .06 seconds.  Is it really his lake now?

SANDY:  You sexist fuck. How do you tell if a crocodile is male or female? (And don’t blame it on Betty White either). Seriously, I don’t know and I’m too tired and lazy to look it up.

JON:  Betty White called it a "he" so that’s how you know.  Now that she’s dead, we will never be able to differentiate the sex of crocodiles.  Do you care about Hector’s feelings?

SANDY:  I want to say not even a little bit, but I did actually feel a little bit bad for him. 

JON:  At any point did you think “You know what would make this movie better?  Giant anacondas!” Because someone did.

SANDY:  Ha! No, though I do feel like similar versions of this movie exist in abundance. What oversized man eating creature movie do you want to see made that hasn’t been made already?

JON:  That’s tough because so many of them exist.  How about giraffes?  Should you ever have the feeling that everything is totally safe?

SANDY:  Not if you’re paying attention. And definitely not if you’re in a movie where people are getting killed by some giant thing. 

JON:  Would you want to drive behind a truck hauling a giant crocodile?

SANDY:  No thank you. I get myself close to a panic attack every time I’m behind someone with lumber sticking out of the back of their truck, just imagining a scenario where they hit a good bump and a 2’ x 4’ rockets through my windshield, impaling me against my seat. Do you have a go-to, not-impossible but fairly unlikely imaginary death scenario in certain repeated driving scenarios? Or should I increase my video therapy sessions?

Jon:  Nothing that elaborate, just sometimes that I’ll doze off and drive off a cliff.

 

Lessons

Always make appropriate boat size choices based on your task.

Don’t swim with crocodiles.