Happy World Snake Day!

 July 16th is World Snake Day.  It’s a day to celebrate the slimy, slithery snakiness of snakes.  I don’t like snakes for those exact reasons.  I’m glad I don’t live around too many of them especially ones that will kill you.  Like giant anacondas.  So, instead, we celebrated by watching Anaconda.  A team of documentarians heads to the Amazon in search of the People of the Mist, an insular tribe that they feel compelled to make a movie about.  Things go south for the film crew when they rescue snake poacher Serone, who steers the boat towards the tribe but first to a giant anaconda -- and it’s hungry.  Can the intrepid film crew survive?  Does Ice Cube only play Ice Cube in movies?  How terrible is a catfish that swims up your urethra?  Watch Anaconda starring Jennifer Lopez, pre-J. Lo and then read the blog to find out.

Questions

Jon:What would you do if you saw a 40 foot anaconda?

Alison: Listen, I like snakes but I would definitely shit myself. Looks pretty though, doesn’t it?

Jon: No it looks like a slithery snake,  Fuck no!  Which is shorter- Danny Trejo’s screen time or Danny Trejo?

Alison: From what I’ve heard, Danny Trejo. Are you at all interested in a boat trip down the Amazon?

Jon: Giant snakes, fish and parasites that swim up your peehole and tribes that want to be left alone does not make for my dream vacation.  Do you think Terri got hired just because she’s a good director or because Dr. Cale wants to bang her?

Alison: I got the impression they used to bang. Is J-Lo in a see-through white teddy the ninth wonder of the world? And is Eric Stoltz still working?

Jon: I’ve never been really into J. Lo.  Eric Stoltz still works.  He was on some TV shows in the last couple years.  Should Ice Cube have to say “Today is/was a good day” in every movie?

Alison:YES. I was very excited about that. Is Owen Wilson sexy (the answer is no)?

Jon: WOWWWW the unnecessary Owen Wilson hate.  Just for that, I think he’s damn sexy.  Does the jungle make you horny?

Alison: Nooooooooo. Particularly when Owen Wilson is involved. Would you pick up stranded Jon Voight? Furthermore, would you throw him overboard immediately or wait until after he unleashed his stupid Scarface accent?

Jon: Before I answer those questions, you need to stop impugning Owen Wilson and his sexiness.  Now, you never pick up a stranded Jon Voight.  That’s a dangerous Jon Voight but if you make that mistake and he starts talking like Scarface you immediately push him overboard.  Should you rescue any stranded boaters on the Amazon?

Alison: Not if they’re Jon Voight, that’s for damn sure.

Jon: How bad is Jon Voight’s accent?

Alison: Let me introduce you to my little friend… his name is STUPID ACCENT. Are J-Lo and Eric Stoltz at all believable together?

Jon: More believable than Owen Wilson and Kari Wuhrer.  He’s way out of her league.  Does it get really cold on the Amazon at night? Because J. Lo’s nipples think it does.

Alison: I have written here, “did J-Lo’s nipples receive casting credit?”

Jon: Does Serone really know where the People of the Mist are or is he just leading them to where he wants to go?

Alison: The second part.

Jon: Turns out it was both!  Can you hear silence?

Alison: Simon and Garfunkel said so… so probably not.

Jon: Is Ice Cube’s entire role based around It Was a Good Day?

Alison: YES, and he is the only person on this boat I would be okay being stuck with in this situation. I gather your vote would be for J-Lo and her two costars.

Jon: Clearly I would vote for horny Owen,  How awful does a catfish that lives in your urethra sound?

Alison: Oh it sounds great up until the spikes part.

Jon: Is Dr. Cale going to be alright?

Alison: I mean, emergency tracheostomy on a raft in the middle of the Amazon River SOUNDS safe enough, but it does seem tenuous.

Jon:Would Serone have fake dynamite?

Alison: Yes, and please take note, do not ever blow anything up that contains a large amount of snakes.

Jon: Don’t blow up anything that contains any number of snakes.  One is too many.  How bad was Mateo’s death?

Alison: Hilariously bad. Seriously, Jon Voight hijacked De Niro's face and Pacino's voice for this role.

Jon: And both’s penchant for overacting.  Why do you think Terri was so confident that snakes don’t eat people to the snake poacher?

Alison: Maybe she was trying to trick Serone into thinking he was safe and then a snake could eat him.  Did he flip J-Lo off when he was showing off his scar? That bastard. I hope he does get eaten because this son of a bitch also just shot a monkey.

Jon: Of course he did.  That’s how Serone rolls.  How did Gary go from horny to stupid so quickly?

Alison: Lack of oxygen to the brain. How badly do you want to smack the smirk off Jon Voight’s stupid head?

Jon: No more than I want to smack most people.  Did you know the anaconda was played by Frank Welker? Knowing that, can you lose the image of a man slithering around a set in a snake costume?

Alison: No, and I love it. Is Frank Welker 40 feet long?!

Jon: Based on my comprehensive research, I can confidently say that Frank Welker is not 40 feet long.  That would be some kind of record.  Want to go anaconda hunting?

Alison: Depends on your answer to the trip down the Amazon (other than the shopping kind). Would you kill Jon Voight or keep him tied up and ask questions?

Jon: That depends on whether there’s room in the crawl space or not.  Wow Gary?

Alison: Wow Gary, you dead. Wowwwww.

Jon: Wowww.  Would you go into the water?

Alison: Oh FUCK no. How about now, can I punch Jon Voight in the face now?

Jon: You’ve never needed permission to punch people in the face and I surely wouldn’t start requiring it now.  Leeches on your scrotum?

Alison: No thank you. On the scrotum and the leeches. Can you imagine being Eric Stoltz and waking up wondering what the fuck did I miss?

Jon: I would imagine it’s like waking up in the middle of Anaconda and trying to figure out why Eric Stoltz is sleeping in a bed with a bandage tied around his neck like some weird Amazonian cravat.  Did that anaconda make the catch of the year on Westridge?

Alison: I believe so. That's a prize right there.

Jon: He wins a stuffed snake!  Is there any chance Terri would have hit anything shooting like that?

Alison: Probably not. Then again, what do I know? I'm sure I'd be just as bad.

Jon: You know you’d shoot better than that.  How good does Ice Cube move for a guy who got stabbed in the leg?

Alison: So well. He heals quickly I guess.

Jon: So well he put her ass to sleep.  Does Serone appear to actually know how to catch an anaconda?

Alison: Nope, not one bit. Stupid fake Pacino dumbass.

Jon: Say hello to my little snake.  Even anacondas can’t stomach Jon Voight?

Alison: Smart ones anyway.

Jon: Do you think flame broiled anaconda would be tasty?

Alison: I’m going to say it….I bet it tastes like chicken.

Lessons

No snakes.

No pee hole catfish.

No leeches.

Leave the lost tribes alone.

National Delaware Day!

 July 13th is National Delaware Day!  Delaware is the 2nd smallest state by area.  There are beautiful beaches and great seafood.  Beyond that, I don’t think I know much else about Delaware but that doesn’t mean I can’t find a Delaware movie.  Survival of the Dead, in addition to being set on Plum Island off the coast of Delaware, marks George A. Romero’s final foray into the world of the undead.  Plum Island has two major problems.  The O’Flynns and Muldoons, led by two intractable patriarchs Patrick and Seamus, can’t set aside their family feud long enough to come up with a plan to deal with the rising zombie population on the island.  Patrick O’Flynn is forced off the island, heading for the mainland where he engages in a scheme to rob other survivors.  His robbery plot goes awry when a ragtag group of soldiers shows up, but O’Flynn has a new plan- use the soldiers to help take back Plum Island.  Will he succeed?  Can a zombie ride a horse?  Is the apocalypse the time to set aside your family feud?  Read on for the answers to these and other burning questions.

Questions

Jon: Would you be able to put a bullet in a friend’s head if they were a zombie?

SANDY:  Fuck yeah I would. It’s not that person anymore. And it also becomes a matter of protecting the friends who still are alive. Don’t get bit, JON! Hahaha. Does anyone ever sign up for this shit? But also, if you willingly joined the military, didn’t you technically sign up for whatever shit might come along??

Jon: I think when you enlist you accept the possibility of dealing with some crazy shit and wars but the zombie apocalypse is probably really low on the list.  Did you see Diary of the Dead and understand the tie in?

SANDY:  I’m actually not sure I’ve seen Diary of the Dead, but it’s on my list for this week now.

Jon: Sarge and company have a very villainous scene in Diary although he must have been demoted as a result.  He was a colonel in that movie.  Would you like it if saying amen put an end to all this? 

SANDY:  It would be nice if there were some kind of magical word that could put an end to any shitty thing, but I would rather it be some other word than “amen”. I think it would be funnier if the word were something more like "cunt". 

Jon: Or twat or cock or really any curse.  Would you be in Patrick O’Flynn’s posse? 

SANDY:  I don’t think cleaning up the dead is a bad idea on an island, but maybe not the way they were doing it. Going into someone else’s home and killing their family members, zombies or not, seems less than cool. Soo.... was that military chick just masturbating out in the open in front of all of her military brothers? Is that a thing people do in the military?

Jon: I don’t think that’s standard military behavior but in the zombie apocalypse when you’re a lesbian and the only woman in your company, I say go for it.  Does O’Flynn have to do it or does he want to do it?

SANDY:  He definitely wants to more than he needs to.

Jon: Is the zombie apocalypse the right time to continue a family rivalry?

SANDY:  Hahaha, fuck no. BUT it does seem to be how a lot of people react to stressful situations. Like when Covid hit and people divided themselves further apart into different political camps, or people who believed in science versus the ones who decided it wasn’t real because they didn’t want it to be. Anxiety over survival causes all kinds of wacky behavior.

Jon: It also feels like they’re holding onto something that was a part of their lives before the world went to shit.  Do lousy times make lousy people or vice versa? 

SANDY:  Both? I think it’s a combination of both. I'm guessing those hicks were lousy people long before times got as lousy as they ended up getting. Notice how all the heads on pikes were the heads of Black people? Those hick guys were fucking gross. Racism and prejudice aside, wouldn't it have been more efficient to kill those severed heads by just pushing them further down onto the spikes until their brains were pierced, rather than waste so many bullets??

Jon: That was definitely a statement on race.  There were no minorities on Plum Island and Muldoon wanted to keep it that way.  Pushing the heads down on the pikes would have saved ammo but the risk of getting bit would go up too and since it’s a movie you never have to worry about running out of bullets.  If you found a safe spot, would you advertise it?

SANDY:  As much as I like the idea of helping others, no, I definitely would not be advertising my safe space. Family and friends first. 

Jon: How dangerous would Sarge be if he completely loses it? 

SANDY:  I feel like he’s a grenade with the pin already pulled out and the person holding the “no explodey” handle down hasn’t slept for a few days. It’s going to be bad for whoever is nearby when that explosion happens. He broke glass out of their newly acquired armored car, the point of which is to keep them safe from what’s outside, putting them all at slightly higher risk potentially. Dick move, bruh.

Jon: Is Slips O’ the Tongue a good name for a bar on a dock? 

SANDY:  Hahaha, for sure. Really for any bar, just because it's an all around awesome name. Smoking and holding dynamite?

Jon: Sure why not?  As long as you keep them in different hands, it’s not that dangerous.  Besides, the whole world is more dangerous than dynamite when the dead walk the earth.   How scary would underwater zombies be?

SANDY:  No thank you.

Jon: Better than zombie sharks.  Did O’Flynn underestimate who would show up in his trap?

SANDY:  He doesn’t seem terribly good at considering a variety of possible outcomes when making decisions about what should be done ever.

Jon: I’m not even sure he considers outcomes at all.  I think he comes up with a plan and implements it without ever once thinking about consequences.  Do you wonder how this group of soldiers managed to stay alive?

SANDY:  Yeah, masturbating out in the open while the dead walk all around didn’t seem like the keenest of survival skills when that happened. Also breaking the glass in your new armored car, not too swift. How did they never seem to run out of ammo?? Did I miss someone carrying huge ammo boxes or bags full of bullets??

Jon: It’s a movie.  You never run out of bullets in a movie.  Will that zombie pass his driver’s test?

SANDY:  Hahaha, probably not, though he drives better than some of the people I’ve shared the Taconic with.

Jon: Are you for compassion or elimination of zombies?

SANDY:  In general I’d say elimination, but if they’re just trying to deliver the mail or mow the lawn, I don’t know? Pussy foots! How about that whale mailbox, or WHAILBOX if you will... ahhhhahahahahahahahahaa.

Jon: Shoot the living and spare the dead?

SANDY:  No.......

Jon: Has Muldoon abandoned compassion?

SANDY:  He doesn’t seem like a very friendly or compassionate guy. 

Jon: I get his concept.  Don’t kill the zombies in case there’s a cure.  It’s hard to let go of loved ones and teaching them to eat something besides humans is a good idea but Muldoon is insane.  So they’re only shooting zombies who don’t show promise?  Like can they plow a field or understand quantum physics?

SANDY:  I know plenty of living people who can’t handle either of those things. Did that chick die while already on the horse? How did she get on it if not? And how can she just ride all around the island nonstop when a horse needs food and water and rest????

Jon: I think it goes along with a concept Romero was building throughout his zombie movies. The zombies evolve and become able to do things like mount and ride horses, deliver mail and make stew.  As for riding the horse nonstop, that’s another movie thing.  It wouldn’t be much fun if she got off the horse and walked for a while because the horse was tired.  Does a man get stupid when he dies?

SANDY:  Men are stupid when they’re alive.

Jon: Stupidity is not reserved for men only.  Humans as a whole are pretty stupid,  Are you waiting for Cisco to turn?

SANDY:  Awww, I like that guy. But yes, I was waiting for him to turn. I kind of wish they waited a little bit longer to see if he could have recovered. Did his accent seem to switch between French and Spanish, or was I imagining things? Did they ever mention where he was supposed to be from originally?

Jon: I don’t think they ever said specifically but his name was Francisco so I guess Spanish but maybe he’s from the Pyrenees and grew up around both accents and sort of adopted both accents or the actor just couldn’t maintain the accent.  Do small towns give birth to small people? 

SANDY:  I get what he was trying to say, but I don’t agree with the statement. I think each individual is unique and how large or small your town is doesn’t necessarily dictate anything about who you end up being as a person. Of course, where you come from can have an influence on who you become just because it’s a part of your developmental history, but small doesn’t automatically equal small. I'm not even stoned right now! Ha!

Jon: Were the soldiers prepared for Plum Island?

SANDY:  They didn’t seem super prepared for pre-Plum Island, definitely not prepared for actual Plum Island. What the fuck would you even do with $1 million in a zombie apocalypse? If I live to see a real apocalypse and people are still trying to survive via capitalism, I'm going to seriously lose my shit.

Jon: I wouldn’t be going out of my way to get cash during a zombie apocalypse but I would definitely collect it as I found it, especially at the beginning.  If the world survives, you know money will be important.  Who is crazier, Muldoon or O’Flynn? 

SANDY:  Oh, Muldoon by far. And Muldoon is way more of a bastard, even though O'Flynn seemed a bit rough in the beginning.

Jon: O’Flynn is crazier.  Muldoon was very rational.  He was just an asshole.  How devastating must it be for the one crush you’ve ever had to turn into a zombie and try to eat you?

SANDY:  That would be devastating, yes. But hey, at least there were two of those bitches!

Jon: Not for long.  Is Seamus Muldoon spit on the floor that needs to be wiped up? 

SANDY:  Seamus Muldoon needs some kind of cleaning up, but I feel like some hard time in intensive psychotherapy would be better. If that’s not available though, mop that fucker out.

Jon: Does Sarge end up being a better guy than you thought? 

SANDY:  Yeah! He ended up being pretty sweet to that kid!

Jon: Sarge develops a protective and caring nature which surprised the shit out of me.  Do you think a zombie would eat something besides humans? 

SANDY:  I would think they’d eat anything living, but maybe humans are just more delicious than anything else. WHY IS IT ALWAYS THE HORSES THOUGH??? In this version of the world, horses would be some of the most useful beings we could have in our lives, why the fuck would you try feeding them to the zombies?? 

Jon: I don’t think Plum Island was that big so transportation was a small issue and when they were on the mainland the roads looked pretty clear.  How big a dick is Muldoon? 

SANDY:  That dude is a fucking scumbag.

Jon: Poor Chuck? 

SANDY:  Yeah, I do feel bad for that guy. It was a bit cocky of him to walk away from Muldoon with his back facing him though. He knew what kind of douche that old fuck was.

Jon: That was probably the dumbest idea of all the dumb ideas these characters came up with.  Does any of that look right? 

SANDY:  Nope.

Jon: Muldoon really is the villain isn’t he?

SANDY:  He’s a fucking monster.

 

Lessons

There are times when it’s appropriate to let go of ancient family grudges.

An island is only safe in a zombie apocalypse if you get along with the other inhabitants.

Don’t shoot people in the back.  Don’t shoot people in general.

Don’t turn your back on an asshole with a gun.