Happy National Senior Citizens Day!

 August 21st is National Senior Citizens Day.  There are numerous movies that could fit the day but we chose Homebodies.  In Homebodies, a group of elderly people fight their pending eviction from the building they’ve inhabited for decades when a developer purchases the building with the intention of building expensive offices and apartments.  Murderous senior citizens run wild, defending their homes from the developer, construction workers, the developer’s henchwoman and each other.  So celebrate your elders, enjoy our blog and watch Homebodies.

Jon- Are these the best hats in cinematic history?  Every single one is cool.    

Sandy —  Right?! Old people have the best hats because they don’t give a FUCK. The real question though is… should they call a doctor??

Jon- I think generally if you have to ask if you should call a doctor, you definitely should call a doctor.  Why are movie construction workers always “hot”?       

Sandy —  “Hot” like sweaty or “hot” like sexy? And out of idle curiosity, which one was your favorite?

Jon- They’re kind of always both sweaty and sexy but maybe I just have a thing for that.  The one they killed is the epitome of sweaty, sexy cinematic construction worker.  What a waste of beefcake.  When you saw Crawford on the soon to be dead construction worker’s helmet, did you assume it was his name like I did?  

Sandy —  I actually never even noticed that at all. Glazed right over it somehow. A whole day off, WITH A FUNERAL?!?! The fucking nerve of these lazy good for nothing construction workers, right?!?!

Jon- That’s a good strong union to get a whole day off for a funeral.  I think the B movie standard is 2 hours.  How weird is it that some husbands used to call their wives mother?    

Sandy —  It’s weird, but not as weird as if they’d been calling each other “Mommy” or “Daddy” in front of everyone. Maybe we’re just too sick and twisted to see the innocence in it. Would you have explored that noise had you been the woman working for the scumbag kicking everyone out?

Jon- Of course not.  I’ve watched enough horror movies to know that you never investigate unexplained noises alone.  Are the old, soon to be evicted people acting like children?   

Sandy —  Yeah, children of the corn. I think that’s the natural course of aging though. Everything hurts. Everything changes all around you. You can’t wipe your own ass anymore. I’d refuse to leave and throw a fucking fit too probably. Would I go on a killing spree? Maybe. Were you having the same Weekend At Bernie’s flashbacks that I was when they were dumping that chick’s body? Also, who the fuck tries to touch someone in a wheelchair and then follows the people pushing the wheelchair while screaming about how paralyzed the person in the wheelchair is???

Jon- Weekend at Bernie’s definitely borrowed that concept.  The obsession with the woman in the wheelchair was strange.  Maybe the person sensed something was off about the person in the chair and was calling attention to the fact they were transporting a dead body.  Is killing the construction workers the best plan?  It seems Crawford would be the one to off.  

Sandy —  Listen, these people are old and slow. The construction workers are making the noises and building the building and they’re always close by… I feel like it’s the easiest and most convenient choice for them. 

Jon- It sort of reminds me of the independent contractor debate in Clerks.  They’re just doing a job.  They don’t deserve to die and killing them accomplishes nothing.  They’ll just hire more guys and probably pay them less.  Is it ever a good idea to go try to evict people by yourself?   

Sandy —  I feel like that points back to the arrogance and gluttony that comes with money and greed. Just no clue whatsoever that anyone could ever possibly pose a threat to you because you’re too wealthy to be touched by these peasants. EAT THE RICH! EAT THE RICH!!! Or bury them in cement I guess. Would you insult the group of people who had you trapped and hanging upside down by your feet, defenseless???

Jon- At that point, I would be saying the nastiest shit about them.  It’s a hopeless situation.  You know you’re done for so you might as well talk all the shit you can.  Maybe you’ll piss them off enough that they do it quickly.  Is the old person leaning all the way forward while driving one of the scariest drivers?   

Sandy — Oh my god, yes! My grandpa used to do that whenever torrential rain started pouring down during the road trip my cousins and I took with them to Florida as little kids. I remember us huddled together in the back seat, not sure if we’d be making it there at all. It was terrifying. What’s the scariest driving experience you’ve ever had that DIDN’T result in an accident?

Jon- One time as a passenger while my dad, who was a notoriously scared and bad driver, we hit a patch of ice on the Saw Mill River Parkway.  Two complete circles later, we somehow managed to not hit anything and continued on our trip, 15 miles per hour slower than the already slow speed we were traveling at.  Do you think no one will notice all the people moved back into the building?  

Sandy —  Naahhhh, it’s not like anyone’s paying attention to that area anyway..!! So, how about that lady who hadn’t left her apartment in over 20 years, but could somehow run like the fucking wind for a 97 year old?!?!

Jon- Maybe she has a treadmill in her apartment and she ran everyday.  Agoraphobes have to adapt to get exercise.  Is Mattie luring Crawford with a box of prunes?  How old do you have to be for prunes to be an effective lure?    

Sandy —  Haha, those were her SEXY PRUNES!  I think it was more because of HER age that she thought prunes would be an enticing snack to lure him in. Okay, okay, hear me out… we rob a bank and make our getaway on a paddle boat? Eh?? Ehhhh?!?! I want that to be the ONLY way I escape any situation that needs escaping in my life from now on.

Jon- So you can only rob banks near bodies of water and you want to get caught every time which means you’ll probably only ever get to rob one.

Lessons

1. Don’t question the need, just call the doctor.

2. Never investigate the strange noise by yourself.

Happy National Vinyl Record Day

 August 12th is National Vinyl Record Day, a day to celebrate one of finest formats for music ever invented.  In Deathgasm, a chance meeting in the local record store between Brodie, a transplanted, bullied, metalhead and Zakk, the local badass, leads to chaos.  They form a band with schoolmates and super nerds Dion and Giles called Deathgasm.  Things go south when Brodie and Zakk acquire a song that will summon Aeloth The Blind One, a super nasty demon.  Of course they play the Black Hymn and most of the town is transformed into eyeless, murderous zombie demon beasts.  It’s up to the band and Madina, Brodie’s new love interest, to reverse the summoning and save the world.  So crank up a metal record, have a beer, watch Deathgasm and enjoy our blog.

20 Questions

Jon- How many nerds do you have to hospitalize to have hospitalized more nerds than asthma?

Alison- Like maybe in the millions. I think he may have overshot that a little.  Does Deathgasm imply death metal?

Jon- Not directly.  I think it refers to a fatal orgasm and is in the tradition of shocking death metal band names like Cannibal Corpse, Dying Fetus and so many others that are much grosser.  Is DnD at lunch really bad ass?

Alison- Fuck no, it's hilarious though.  Would you take a blood oath with someone?

Jon- Nope.  Never had a blood brother or sealed anything in a spitty handshake.  That stuff is gross.  Have you ever had a friend who was “a tornado of chaos” or are you the tornado of chaos?

Alison- Am I the tornado of chaos? You would know better than I. I've definitely had friends that were that. You met one.

Jon- You are definitely not a tornado of chaos.  Maybe a gentle breeze of naps.

Alison- Is lowercase for pussies?

JON- LOWERCASE IS DEFINITELY FOR PUSSIES.  I WOULD NEVER USE LOWERCASE!  What band do you think would be the best to have an undercover demon summoning song? I think it has to be a band that has catchy tunes, easily memorable lyrics and a wide appeal. For a certain generation REO Speedwagon would be great for it.

Alison- Definitely Taylor Swift.  How hard is Medina flirting with him?

Jon- With the benefit of seeing it in a movie, she’s flirting pretty hard but in real life if she were flirting with me like that I’d be oblivious.  How seriously do you take the crazy metalhead who has gone to great lengths to hide when he tells you that we’re all going to die?

Alison- Ziggy Pop? Not at all seriously!  Do you miss the days of passing notes before cell phones?

Jon- I only had one note passed to me in my life.  3rd grade after giving a girl a pencil or something, I got the “Do you like me note” and I circled yes and no.  That’s the extent of my note passing career.  Should you ever read random Latin writings aloud?

Alison- Oh absolutely. Latin is awesome. How we didn't summon demons "by accident" in Latin class is beyond me.  Should a four chord progression be able to cause that much vomiting of blood?

Jon- If it’s worth playing it should induce that much vomited blood.  Is decapitation slightly extreme as a punishment at work?

Alison- *checks hr handbook*  yes, yes it is.  How badass are these demon-inhabited corpses ?

Jon- The eyeless corpses are pretty badass.  They had a nice gooey effect.  Is there anything more metal than sitting on a park bench, eating ice cream with the cute blonde from math class while in full corpse paint?

Alison- So great they made a meme out of it.  Aren't you glad heads are not this mushy in real life?

Jon- I’m actually disappointed that heads aren’t that mushy.  It would be so much fun to walk around and smush heads.  Has the allure of heavy metal ever been summed up better than on that park bench?

Alison- Perhaps only when they're actually listening to it and you see inside their heads.  Is metalheads wielding sex toys beating the shit out of demons as cool as it sounds?

Jon- It would be a dream come true.  I have to start stocking up.  What percentage of the rest of your life would be spent trying to forget someone projectile vomiting blood all over you?

Alison- Why do people always have their mouths open when that's happening?!  If I asked you to send me back to hell would you?

Jon- How much is the postage?

Lessons

If you aren’t sure if the music you get from a deranged, old metalhead will raise a demon, don’t play it.

Don’t let the tornado of chaos friend make all the decisions.

Happy National Georgia Day!!!

 August 3rd is National Georgia Day!  It’s time to celebrate the Peach State.  I’ve never been to Georgia.  Looks pretty enough but it’s also hot and steamy and on the occasions it snows no one knows how to handle it.  I’ll admire Georgia through movies and the one we chose to celebrate with is Cocaine Bear.  What happens when a bear finds and consumes large quantities of cocaine?  Mayhem, and lots of it.  I would argue Cocaine Bear is a perfect movie.  Director Elizabeth Banks understood the job.  Make a batshit crazy, fun animal gone wild movie and she achieved that amazingly well.  So eat a peach, read this and watch Cocaine Bear.

Jon- Should you focus more when you’re throwing bags of cocaine off a plane?

Alison- Probably. I mean that didn't work out so well. Well, for the bear it did. 

Sandy-:  I mean, probably. That dude was high as a fuckin’ kite. Higher actually… like literally.  Did I just watch a bear blow cocaine into the faces of two children?

Jon- The bear is a sharer and wanted the kids to enjoy the cocaine too.  I think if a coked out bear was about to attack me, I would welcome a face full of cocaine.

Alison- Yes and it was funny as fuck. Have you ever been so sad you can’t stop smiling?

Sandy- No.  When I’m super sad I kind of fold in on myself and there is definitely not an issue with over smiling.  

Jon- Nope I think that might be a set of conflicting emotions I am incapable of.  Has your first thought about someone ever been that you want to make a child with them?

Alison- It's definitely not my first thought. So creepy! 

Sandy- Never in my fucking life.  But I HAVE met someone and immediately thought “Holy fuck, I hope you don’t breed.”  2.) Am I going to start referring to our group of friends as “you gang of pubes”? That’s a rhetorical question, the answer is yes.

Jon- I thought you already did.

Alison- Please do. If you don't imma be mad. What’s funnier- kids cursing or kids doing drugs?

Sandy- That’s a tough one.  Both are pretty fantastic.  I think I’m going to go with kids cursing though, because Henry yelling “that bear was Fucked” might be one of my favorite lines of all time ever.

Jon- One of my all time favorite things is kids cursing in movies.  The dirtier the word the more I laugh.  Is “On the Wings of Love” sung by the voice of a 1,000 year old soul?

Alison- It's a horrific piece of garbage sung by some dude who I'm sure meant well. 

Sandy- Ha!  THE FUCKING MUSIC IN THIS MOVIE WAS FANTASTIC!  Just Can’t Get Enough?!?!  PERFECT choice for that scene.  Why do groups of people always attack one at a time in movies?!?

Jon- If they teamed up and worked together, the characters you’re supposed to like would constantly get manhandled and it wouldn’t be as much fun.

Alison- Right????  Everything always attacks one at a time.  Do you know what a gazebo is?

Sandy- Fuck yeah the fuck I fucking do.

Jon- That’s the place you go and get high when you’re a teenager. 

Alison- Tom, one of the EMTs, is the guy from the slam talking TikToks.

Sandy- I was wondering why I recognized his face.

Jon- I don’t know what any of that means.  What animal would scare you the most if it were on cocaine?  For me, it’s a chicken.  Those fuckers hate me to begin with maybe because they can sense how many of their brethren I’ve eaten.  A chicken on cocaine would probably keep me locked up forever.

Alison-  A hippo. 100%. You do not want to be around those, period. You might be able to get a hippo stoned enough to hang out with it though. 

Sandy- A four legged shark. Wait… does it have to be real? Maybe a hummingbird because I feel like it would just explode and the thought of a tiny adorable hummingbird flying up to me just to have its insides come popping out in a red spray of goo is terrifying to me? Am I doing this right? A Shoe-Billed Stork. No explanation, just go look that shit up.  How about that for a weighted blanket?

Jon- I’ve seen worse.

Alison- That scene is hilarious. So cozy.  Why did those 2 fingers come off, they’re not even next to each other?

Sandy- That was a mystery to me as well. But I LOVE the fact that they pointed it out right in the movie with that line.

Jon- He’s Ice Cube’s son so I’m guessing he is perpetually about to flip someone off so his middle finger was slightly elevated and the bullet missed it.  Do you know what to do if you encounter a black bear?  On cocaine?

Alison- As far as I know you're not supposed to run.  But there is no escaping a bear on cocaine.

Sandy- Do NOT make eye contact. DO NOT climb any trees. DO get yourself to the top of a gazebo.  Would you just stand there and watch while a bear did a bunch of cocaine?

Jon- Is the bear sharing?  Probably not although I’m not sure what else to do.  You shouldn’t run from a black bear and who knows if cocaine makes the bear think you want to play tag or something.

Alison- No. I'd do cocaine with the bear. I mean, that's a story to tell at parties. Do you eventually learn to shit in front of other people if you had to?

Jon- Are you kidding?  I haven’t learned to shit with people in the same building as me.  If I ever go to prison, I will die from constipation.

Sandy- Listen… people are getting more and more fucking obnoxious and there’s a good chance I will end up in prison because of it.  So chances are, I will have to evolve or perish.

Alison- Do you kind of not so secretly want to be a bear high on cocaine in the woods?

Jon- Ummmm FUCK YES!

Sandy- I’ve never tried cocaine.  I feel like it would make me a regularly functioning person, able to set tasks and complete them within the originally planned timeline.  But yeah, being a bear high on cocaine in the woods seems like a pretty sweet deal.

Awww, Ray Liotta 

Lessons

1. Don’t throw cocaine off an airplane.  You have no clue what’s going to find it.  Smuggle it in your ass like a normal person.

2. Coked up bears are scary as fuck.

3. Park rangers are resilient fuckers.

Happy World Snake Day!

 July 16th is World Snake Day.  It’s a day to celebrate the slimy, slithery snakiness of snakes.  I don’t like snakes for those exact reasons.  I’m glad I don’t live around too many of them especially ones that will kill you.  Like giant anacondas.  So, instead, we celebrated by watching Anaconda.  A team of documentarians heads to the Amazon in search of the People of the Mist, an insular tribe that they feel compelled to make a movie about.  Things go south for the film crew when they rescue snake poacher Serone, who steers the boat towards the tribe but first to a giant anaconda -- and it’s hungry.  Can the intrepid film crew survive?  Does Ice Cube only play Ice Cube in movies?  How terrible is a catfish that swims up your urethra?  Watch Anaconda starring Jennifer Lopez, pre-J. Lo and then read the blog to find out.

Questions

Jon:What would you do if you saw a 40 foot anaconda?

Alison: Listen, I like snakes but I would definitely shit myself. Looks pretty though, doesn’t it?

Jon: No it looks like a slithery snake,  Fuck no!  Which is shorter- Danny Trejo’s screen time or Danny Trejo?

Alison: From what I’ve heard, Danny Trejo. Are you at all interested in a boat trip down the Amazon?

Jon: Giant snakes, fish and parasites that swim up your peehole and tribes that want to be left alone does not make for my dream vacation.  Do you think Terri got hired just because she’s a good director or because Dr. Cale wants to bang her?

Alison: I got the impression they used to bang. Is J-Lo in a see-through white teddy the ninth wonder of the world? And is Eric Stoltz still working?

Jon: I’ve never been really into J. Lo.  Eric Stoltz still works.  He was on some TV shows in the last couple years.  Should Ice Cube have to say “Today is/was a good day” in every movie?

Alison:YES. I was very excited about that. Is Owen Wilson sexy (the answer is no)?

Jon: WOWWWW the unnecessary Owen Wilson hate.  Just for that, I think he’s damn sexy.  Does the jungle make you horny?

Alison: Nooooooooo. Particularly when Owen Wilson is involved. Would you pick up stranded Jon Voight? Furthermore, would you throw him overboard immediately or wait until after he unleashed his stupid Scarface accent?

Jon: Before I answer those questions, you need to stop impugning Owen Wilson and his sexiness.  Now, you never pick up a stranded Jon Voight.  That’s a dangerous Jon Voight but if you make that mistake and he starts talking like Scarface you immediately push him overboard.  Should you rescue any stranded boaters on the Amazon?

Alison: Not if they’re Jon Voight, that’s for damn sure.

Jon: How bad is Jon Voight’s accent?

Alison: Let me introduce you to my little friend… his name is STUPID ACCENT. Are J-Lo and Eric Stoltz at all believable together?

Jon: More believable than Owen Wilson and Kari Wuhrer.  He’s way out of her league.  Does it get really cold on the Amazon at night? Because J. Lo’s nipples think it does.

Alison: I have written here, “did J-Lo’s nipples receive casting credit?”

Jon: Does Serone really know where the People of the Mist are or is he just leading them to where he wants to go?

Alison: The second part.

Jon: Turns out it was both!  Can you hear silence?

Alison: Simon and Garfunkel said so… so probably not.

Jon: Is Ice Cube’s entire role based around It Was a Good Day?

Alison: YES, and he is the only person on this boat I would be okay being stuck with in this situation. I gather your vote would be for J-Lo and her two costars.

Jon: Clearly I would vote for horny Owen,  How awful does a catfish that lives in your urethra sound?

Alison: Oh it sounds great up until the spikes part.

Jon: Is Dr. Cale going to be alright?

Alison: I mean, emergency tracheostomy on a raft in the middle of the Amazon River SOUNDS safe enough, but it does seem tenuous.

Jon:Would Serone have fake dynamite?

Alison: Yes, and please take note, do not ever blow anything up that contains a large amount of snakes.

Jon: Don’t blow up anything that contains any number of snakes.  One is too many.  How bad was Mateo’s death?

Alison: Hilariously bad. Seriously, Jon Voight hijacked De Niro's face and Pacino's voice for this role.

Jon: And both’s penchant for overacting.  Why do you think Terri was so confident that snakes don’t eat people to the snake poacher?

Alison: Maybe she was trying to trick Serone into thinking he was safe and then a snake could eat him.  Did he flip J-Lo off when he was showing off his scar? That bastard. I hope he does get eaten because this son of a bitch also just shot a monkey.

Jon: Of course he did.  That’s how Serone rolls.  How did Gary go from horny to stupid so quickly?

Alison: Lack of oxygen to the brain. How badly do you want to smack the smirk off Jon Voight’s stupid head?

Jon: No more than I want to smack most people.  Did you know the anaconda was played by Frank Welker? Knowing that, can you lose the image of a man slithering around a set in a snake costume?

Alison: No, and I love it. Is Frank Welker 40 feet long?!

Jon: Based on my comprehensive research, I can confidently say that Frank Welker is not 40 feet long.  That would be some kind of record.  Want to go anaconda hunting?

Alison: Depends on your answer to the trip down the Amazon (other than the shopping kind). Would you kill Jon Voight or keep him tied up and ask questions?

Jon: That depends on whether there’s room in the crawl space or not.  Wow Gary?

Alison: Wow Gary, you dead. Wowwwww.

Jon: Wowww.  Would you go into the water?

Alison: Oh FUCK no. How about now, can I punch Jon Voight in the face now?

Jon: You’ve never needed permission to punch people in the face and I surely wouldn’t start requiring it now.  Leeches on your scrotum?

Alison: No thank you. On the scrotum and the leeches. Can you imagine being Eric Stoltz and waking up wondering what the fuck did I miss?

Jon: I would imagine it’s like waking up in the middle of Anaconda and trying to figure out why Eric Stoltz is sleeping in a bed with a bandage tied around his neck like some weird Amazonian cravat.  Did that anaconda make the catch of the year on Westridge?

Alison: I believe so. That's a prize right there.

Jon: He wins a stuffed snake!  Is there any chance Terri would have hit anything shooting like that?

Alison: Probably not. Then again, what do I know? I'm sure I'd be just as bad.

Jon: You know you’d shoot better than that.  How good does Ice Cube move for a guy who got stabbed in the leg?

Alison: So well. He heals quickly I guess.

Jon: So well he put her ass to sleep.  Does Serone appear to actually know how to catch an anaconda?

Alison: Nope, not one bit. Stupid fake Pacino dumbass.

Jon: Say hello to my little snake.  Even anacondas can’t stomach Jon Voight?

Alison: Smart ones anyway.

Jon: Do you think flame broiled anaconda would be tasty?

Alison: I’m going to say it….I bet it tastes like chicken.

Lessons

No snakes.

No pee hole catfish.

No leeches.

Leave the lost tribes alone.