Happy World Snake Day!

 July 16th is World Snake Day.  It’s a day to celebrate the slimy, slithery snakiness of snakes.  I don’t like snakes for those exact reasons.  I’m glad I don’t live around too many of them especially ones that will kill you.  Like giant anacondas.  So, instead, we celebrated by watching Anaconda.  A team of documentarians heads to the Amazon in search of the People of the Mist, an insular tribe that they feel compelled to make a movie about.  Things go south for the film crew when they rescue snake poacher Serone, who steers the boat towards the tribe but first to a giant anaconda -- and it’s hungry.  Can the intrepid film crew survive?  Does Ice Cube only play Ice Cube in movies?  How terrible is a catfish that swims up your urethra?  Watch Anaconda starring Jennifer Lopez, pre-J. Lo and then read the blog to find out.

Questions

Jon:What would you do if you saw a 40 foot anaconda?

Alison: Listen, I like snakes but I would definitely shit myself. Looks pretty though, doesn’t it?

Jon: No it looks like a slithery snake,  Fuck no!  Which is shorter- Danny Trejo’s screen time or Danny Trejo?

Alison: From what I’ve heard, Danny Trejo. Are you at all interested in a boat trip down the Amazon?

Jon: Giant snakes, fish and parasites that swim up your peehole and tribes that want to be left alone does not make for my dream vacation.  Do you think Terri got hired just because she’s a good director or because Dr. Cale wants to bang her?

Alison: I got the impression they used to bang. Is J-Lo in a see-through white teddy the ninth wonder of the world? And is Eric Stoltz still working?

Jon: I’ve never been really into J. Lo.  Eric Stoltz still works.  He was on some TV shows in the last couple years.  Should Ice Cube have to say “Today is/was a good day” in every movie?

Alison:YES. I was very excited about that. Is Owen Wilson sexy (the answer is no)?

Jon: WOWWWW the unnecessary Owen Wilson hate.  Just for that, I think he’s damn sexy.  Does the jungle make you horny?

Alison: Nooooooooo. Particularly when Owen Wilson is involved. Would you pick up stranded Jon Voight? Furthermore, would you throw him overboard immediately or wait until after he unleashed his stupid Scarface accent?

Jon: Before I answer those questions, you need to stop impugning Owen Wilson and his sexiness.  Now, you never pick up a stranded Jon Voight.  That’s a dangerous Jon Voight but if you make that mistake and he starts talking like Scarface you immediately push him overboard.  Should you rescue any stranded boaters on the Amazon?

Alison: Not if they’re Jon Voight, that’s for damn sure.

Jon: How bad is Jon Voight’s accent?

Alison: Let me introduce you to my little friend… his name is STUPID ACCENT. Are J-Lo and Eric Stoltz at all believable together?

Jon: More believable than Owen Wilson and Kari Wuhrer.  He’s way out of her league.  Does it get really cold on the Amazon at night? Because J. Lo’s nipples think it does.

Alison: I have written here, “did J-Lo’s nipples receive casting credit?”

Jon: Does Serone really know where the People of the Mist are or is he just leading them to where he wants to go?

Alison: The second part.

Jon: Turns out it was both!  Can you hear silence?

Alison: Simon and Garfunkel said so… so probably not.

Jon: Is Ice Cube’s entire role based around It Was a Good Day?

Alison: YES, and he is the only person on this boat I would be okay being stuck with in this situation. I gather your vote would be for J-Lo and her two costars.

Jon: Clearly I would vote for horny Owen,  How awful does a catfish that lives in your urethra sound?

Alison: Oh it sounds great up until the spikes part.

Jon: Is Dr. Cale going to be alright?

Alison: I mean, emergency tracheostomy on a raft in the middle of the Amazon River SOUNDS safe enough, but it does seem tenuous.

Jon:Would Serone have fake dynamite?

Alison: Yes, and please take note, do not ever blow anything up that contains a large amount of snakes.

Jon: Don’t blow up anything that contains any number of snakes.  One is too many.  How bad was Mateo’s death?

Alison: Hilariously bad. Seriously, Jon Voight hijacked De Niro's face and Pacino's voice for this role.

Jon: And both’s penchant for overacting.  Why do you think Terri was so confident that snakes don’t eat people to the snake poacher?

Alison: Maybe she was trying to trick Serone into thinking he was safe and then a snake could eat him.  Did he flip J-Lo off when he was showing off his scar? That bastard. I hope he does get eaten because this son of a bitch also just shot a monkey.

Jon: Of course he did.  That’s how Serone rolls.  How did Gary go from horny to stupid so quickly?

Alison: Lack of oxygen to the brain. How badly do you want to smack the smirk off Jon Voight’s stupid head?

Jon: No more than I want to smack most people.  Did you know the anaconda was played by Frank Welker? Knowing that, can you lose the image of a man slithering around a set in a snake costume?

Alison: No, and I love it. Is Frank Welker 40 feet long?!

Jon: Based on my comprehensive research, I can confidently say that Frank Welker is not 40 feet long.  That would be some kind of record.  Want to go anaconda hunting?

Alison: Depends on your answer to the trip down the Amazon (other than the shopping kind). Would you kill Jon Voight or keep him tied up and ask questions?

Jon: That depends on whether there’s room in the crawl space or not.  Wow Gary?

Alison: Wow Gary, you dead. Wowwwww.

Jon: Wowww.  Would you go into the water?

Alison: Oh FUCK no. How about now, can I punch Jon Voight in the face now?

Jon: You’ve never needed permission to punch people in the face and I surely wouldn’t start requiring it now.  Leeches on your scrotum?

Alison: No thank you. On the scrotum and the leeches. Can you imagine being Eric Stoltz and waking up wondering what the fuck did I miss?

Jon: I would imagine it’s like waking up in the middle of Anaconda and trying to figure out why Eric Stoltz is sleeping in a bed with a bandage tied around his neck like some weird Amazonian cravat.  Did that anaconda make the catch of the year on Westridge?

Alison: I believe so. That's a prize right there.

Jon: He wins a stuffed snake!  Is there any chance Terri would have hit anything shooting like that?

Alison: Probably not. Then again, what do I know? I'm sure I'd be just as bad.

Jon: You know you’d shoot better than that.  How good does Ice Cube move for a guy who got stabbed in the leg?

Alison: So well. He heals quickly I guess.

Jon: So well he put her ass to sleep.  Does Serone appear to actually know how to catch an anaconda?

Alison: Nope, not one bit. Stupid fake Pacino dumbass.

Jon: Say hello to my little snake.  Even anacondas can’t stomach Jon Voight?

Alison: Smart ones anyway.

Jon: Do you think flame broiled anaconda would be tasty?

Alison: I’m going to say it….I bet it tastes like chicken.

Lessons

No snakes.

No pee hole catfish.

No leeches.

Leave the lost tribes alone.