August 3rd is National Georgia Day! It’s time to celebrate the Peach State. I’ve never been to Georgia. Looks pretty enough but it’s also hot and steamy and on the occasions it snows no one knows how to handle it. I’ll admire Georgia through movies and the one we chose to celebrate with is Cocaine Bear. What happens when a bear finds and consumes large quantities of cocaine? Mayhem, and lots of it. I would argue Cocaine Bear is a perfect movie. Director Elizabeth Banks understood the job. Make a batshit crazy, fun animal gone wild movie and she achieved that amazingly well. So eat a peach, read this and watch Cocaine Bear.
Jon- Should you focus more when you’re throwing bags of cocaine off a plane?
Alison- Probably. I mean that didn't work out so well. Well, for the bear it did.
Sandy-: I mean, probably. That dude was high as a fuckin’ kite. Higher actually… like literally. Did I just watch a bear blow cocaine into the faces of two children?
Jon- The bear is a sharer and wanted the kids to enjoy the cocaine too. I think if a coked out bear was about to attack me, I would welcome a face full of cocaine.
Alison- Yes and it was funny as fuck. Have you ever been so sad you can’t stop smiling?
Sandy- No. When I’m super sad I kind of fold in on myself and there is definitely not an issue with over smiling.
Jon- Nope I think that might be a set of conflicting emotions I am incapable of. Has your first thought about someone ever been that you want to make a child with them?
Alison- It's definitely not my first thought. So creepy!
Sandy- Never in my fucking life. But I HAVE met someone and immediately thought “Holy fuck, I hope you don’t breed.” 2.) Am I going to start referring to our group of friends as “you gang of pubes”? That’s a rhetorical question, the answer is yes.
Jon- I thought you already did.
Alison- Please do. If you don't imma be mad. What’s funnier- kids cursing or kids doing drugs?
Sandy- That’s a tough one. Both are pretty fantastic. I think I’m going to go with kids cursing though, because Henry yelling “that bear was Fucked” might be one of my favorite lines of all time ever.
Jon- One of my all time favorite things is kids cursing in movies. The dirtier the word the more I laugh. Is “On the Wings of Love” sung by the voice of a 1,000 year old soul?
Alison- It's a horrific piece of garbage sung by some dude who I'm sure meant well.
Sandy- Ha! THE FUCKING MUSIC IN THIS MOVIE WAS FANTASTIC! Just Can’t Get Enough?!?! PERFECT choice for that scene. Why do groups of people always attack one at a time in movies?!?
Jon- If they teamed up and worked together, the characters you’re supposed to like would constantly get manhandled and it wouldn’t be as much fun.
Alison- Right???? Everything always attacks one at a time. Do you know what a gazebo is?
Sandy- Fuck yeah the fuck I fucking do.
Jon- That’s the place you go and get high when you’re a teenager.
Alison- Tom, one of the EMTs, is the guy from the slam talking TikToks.
Sandy- I was wondering why I recognized his face.
Jon- I don’t know what any of that means. What animal would scare you the most if it were on cocaine? For me, it’s a chicken. Those fuckers hate me to begin with maybe because they can sense how many of their brethren I’ve eaten. A chicken on cocaine would probably keep me locked up forever.
Alison- A hippo. 100%. You do not want to be around those, period. You might be able to get a hippo stoned enough to hang out with it though.
Sandy- A four legged shark. Wait… does it have to be real? Maybe a hummingbird because I feel like it would just explode and the thought of a tiny adorable hummingbird flying up to me just to have its insides come popping out in a red spray of goo is terrifying to me? Am I doing this right? A Shoe-Billed Stork. No explanation, just go look that shit up. How about that for a weighted blanket?
Jon- I’ve seen worse.
Alison- That scene is hilarious. So cozy. Why did those 2 fingers come off, they’re not even next to each other?
Sandy- That was a mystery to me as well. But I LOVE the fact that they pointed it out right in the movie with that line.
Jon- He’s Ice Cube’s son so I’m guessing he is perpetually about to flip someone off so his middle finger was slightly elevated and the bullet missed it. Do you know what to do if you encounter a black bear? On cocaine?
Alison- As far as I know you're not supposed to run. But there is no escaping a bear on cocaine.
Sandy- Do NOT make eye contact. DO NOT climb any trees. DO get yourself to the top of a gazebo. Would you just stand there and watch while a bear did a bunch of cocaine?
Jon- Is the bear sharing? Probably not although I’m not sure what else to do. You shouldn’t run from a black bear and who knows if cocaine makes the bear think you want to play tag or something.
Alison- No. I'd do cocaine with the bear. I mean, that's a story to tell at parties. Do you eventually learn to shit in front of other people if you had to?
Jon- Are you kidding? I haven’t learned to shit with people in the same building as me. If I ever go to prison, I will die from constipation.
Sandy- Listen… people are getting more and more fucking obnoxious and there’s a good chance I will end up in prison because of it. So chances are, I will have to evolve or perish.
Alison- Do you kind of not so secretly want to be a bear high on cocaine in the woods?
Jon- Ummmm FUCK YES!
Sandy- I’ve never tried cocaine. I feel like it would make me a regularly functioning person, able to set tasks and complete them within the originally planned timeline. But yeah, being a bear high on cocaine in the woods seems like a pretty sweet deal.
Awww, Ray Liotta
Lessons
Don’t throw cocaine off an airplane. You have no clue what’s going to find it. Smuggle it in your ass like a normal person.
Coked up bears are scary as fuck.
Park rangers are resilient fuckers.
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