Happy National Red Rose Day

 June 12th is National Red Rose Day.  The red rose is one of the most recognized symbols of love.  Every holiday, birthday, special occasion or attempted apology for any misstep, large or small, American men line up and drop money on dozens of roses.  Billions of roses are imported to the United States annually.  Roses may be the only gift men ever feel fully confident giving.  In the spirit of roses and love, we here at National Horror-Daze decided to watch a movie emblematic of the kind of love that the rose industry would be thrilled to celebrate.  This week… Psychos In Love, the story of Joe and Kate,2 serial killers who find one another and fall in love.

Jon: How about that laugh through the opening credits?

Sandy: First of all, the font in the opening credits was super effing rad. The laugh reminded me of the laugh Vincent Price did at the end of Thriller, but combined with Krusty the Clown’s laugh maybe. NO WAIT... there’s an old song from the 50’s(?) that has a random spastic wild laughing fit somewhere in it and I thought I knew what it was but I can’t remember it and I just went on a 15 minute tangent rabbit hole search trying to figure out which song I’m thinking of with no success and now I’m all pissed off. But yeah, that laugh reminds me of this laugh too.

 

Jon: How good is an ass you want to sink your teeth into?

Sandy: I’d say it has to be pretty fantASStic... AHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAAA.

Jon:  Ugh.  

 

Jon: How do you feel about grapes?

Sandy: I would not eat them in a box, I would not eat them with a fox, I would not eat them here or there, I would not eat them anywhere. (Actually, I like grapes. Don’t tell Joe.)

Jon: Sorry Joe and Kate, grapes are great.

 

Jon: Is there red champagne?

Sandy: Yes, actually. It’s called “Coteaux Champenois”. Don’t be too impressed, I absolutely googled that shit. I will remember it as “Cotex Champions” though because I am an uncultured American swine.

 

Jon: Do you like it when guys rub suntan oil on your legs uninvited?

Sandy: Only if I get to stab them in the gut until blood inexplicably explodes out of their face like Kate did.

Jon: Personally, I love being at the beach and having someone I don’t know whip out some Coppertone and smear it all over my legs.

 

Jon: Ever change your clothes in a bar?

Sandy: No, but I have taken a shit in the back room of a strip club where the dancers were changing. There was a toilet, I didn’t shit on the floor.

 

Jon: Ever eat Chinese food in your car?

Sandy: Does cold, hard, prepared supermarket sesame chicken count?

 

Jon: How do you feel about hairy chests with hairless patches around the nipple?

Sandy: ooh! It’s like crop circles in a field of corn. So beautiful and mysterious.

 

Jon: Chainsaw manicure?

Sandy: I generally use my teeth, but I’m open to new experiences.

Jon:  This is a hard pass for me.  There’s no way she could adequately handle my cuticles with a chainsaw.

 

Jon: Is this the perfect relationship?

Sandy: I mean, they’re close but also give each other space to do their own things. They make each other laugh and they take care of each other, soooo... yes?

 

Jon: Can love cure slashing?

Sandy: Not if slashing is what you love!

 

Jon: Is this song better than the Attack of the Killer Donuts song?

Sandy: That’s a tough one for me. I think the lyrics of this song might be more intricate and involved, but I still think I’m going to have to stick with Attack of the Killer Donuts. Carmine Capobianco, who played Joe, cowrote the film and helped with the special effects, also did the music for the movie.

 

Jon: If this movie were to be remade, who would you cast?

Sandy: Zach Galifianakis as Joe and Tilda Swinton as Kate. No explanation. Just make it happen.

Jon: Danny DeVito and Bryce Dallas Howard.

 

Jon: Could you sleep through the screams of the woman your lover was killing?

Sandy: It would depend on whether or not he was killing her in the same room I was trying to sleep in. If I had some ambient noise or the hum of an air conditioner going on and it wasn’t in the same room, I definitely could.

 

Jon: Stripper head centerpiece — tacky or cool?

Sandy: I think the one Joe made was pretty tasteful.

 

Jon: Would your lover make a good killing partner? Could he be your Joe to his Kate?

Sandy: Hahaha, no way. He’d feel all guilty partway through and I’d have to complete all the killings myself.

Jon:  Alison would be way too good at it.  I think once we got started, it would be difficult to stop her.  In a week, half the town would be in our drain. 

 

Jon: Seriously is this not the best romance movie ever?

Sandy: It’s up there on the list, but there’s also something incredibly sweet about the dude in Frankenhooker trying to rebuild his girlfriend after her tragic lawnmower accident. I don’t know which one wins in my mind, but the patchwork sculptural element of Frankenhooker appeals to the creative in me.

 

Jon: Can two psycho killers find love and settle down?

Sandy: I’m not a big fan of calling anything impossible. It does seem like successfully disposing of bodies without getting caught might rapidly become an issue if they didn’t spread out their hunting grounds and figure out some kind of killing schedule.

Jon:  Alison and I are happy.

 

Jon: Best wedding ever?

Sandy: I’m asking YOU who’s on first? Haha, yes. That was delightfully ridiculous.

 

Jon: Are you a big ninny?

Sandy: ARE YOU A BIG NINNY??

 

Jon: Can you operate a VCR?

Sandy: I was born in 1981... a VCR raised me.

 

Jon: Are GrapeNuts the testicles of grapes?

Sandy: No, Jon. It’s a cereal. You fucking ninny.

Jon:  Well they taste like it.

 

Jon: Ever eat a mouse turd because you thought it was a grape?

Sandy: Was this in the movie? Who the fuck would think a mouse turd looked like a grape?? MAYBE a small less wrinkly raisin could look like a rat turd... MAYBE. But a full grape and a mouse turd? No. That person deserves to be force-fed all the mouse turds.  

 

Jon: Is the end credit song even better?

Sandy: Any song with “boogers” and “rat doo doo“ in the lyrics is alright by me.

Sandy: When you’re strangling a woman with rope, does she usually immediately get a bloody nose?

Jon:  My technique may not be as good as Joe’s.  I am still a neophyte serial killer so maybe the blood from the nose comes from a skill I’m yet to develop.  Ummmmmm wait.  Perhaps I’ve said too much.  Strike that last comment.

 

Sandy: Do you have any Windex in your purse? 

Jon: I stopped carrying a purse when COVID started and even when I did I would never sully my Coach bag with Windex.

 

Sandy: When your windshield is dirty and Alison doesn’t have any windex in her purse, what do you do?

Jon:  Usually I just use windshield wiper fluid.  It seems to work pretty well and I don’t have to pull over everytime a bug gets splattered on the windshield.  Alison has lots of goodies in her purse but never Windex.

 

Sandy: How much poison in one drink is too much?

Jon:  Joe is an expert so when he dumps an entire box of a generic poison into a drink, I am hesitant to question him.  As I said, I am a neophyte but my understanding is 2 parts drink and 1 part poison is effective.  Joe’s poisoned drink comes out more like a very thick milkshake, which is something you can get away with in a poorly lit sauna but if you expect anyone to drink it in better lighting, less powdered poison might be better.  Also, a powdered poison seems like an odd choice.  

 

Sandy: “I’m not gonna kill you. I mean, I’m really not gonna kill you.” Comforting or creepy?

Jon: Coming from someone like Joe, I found it to be very reassuring.  While Joe may be a psycho in love and a serial killer, he seems to be a man of his word.  He doesn’t lie.  He was very open with Kate about his predilections for murder.  I believed him.

 

Sandy: Did you get PeeWee Herman trying out new toys at the magic shop vibes from the plumber fiddling with his own tools after knocking that woman out?

Jon: Oh no doubt.  It’s probably not coincidental that the plumber’s name is Herman.  He’s like Pee Wee Herman’s creepy. Plumbing, trucker hat wearing brother Jumbo Herman.

 

Sandy: How do you wash a car with no windshield?

Jon: You don’t.  If your car is missing its windshield, the overall cleanliness of the car is probably inconsequential.  That said, if you are determined to wash a car with no windshield, you should invest in a sturdy tarp and some Gorilla tape and wash very carefully.  As someone who drove a car with a busted sunroof for many years, you need to keep as much water out as possible or else you’ll be sitting in puddles and your ashtray will grow all kinds of fun, psychedelic molds.

 

Sandy: When you’re putting your open uncovered knives back into your pocket, do you put them handle first or blade first?

Jon: This is a difficult question.  I think blade first.  Blade first gives you the ability to take it back out quickly without cutting up your precious murder hand.  If you are wearing looser pants with good pockets, you can even avoid slicing up your legs and genitals with a simple shift and some care.  Handle first almost guarantees sliced hands and probably a good stab in your own gut.

 

Sandy: Who’s Josh?

Jon:  Josh could be Josh Groban,  Could you imagine Joe and Kate getting their hands on that guy?  Just choking the shitty adult contemporary music right out of him.  Making Josh filets and cramming the remnants down the garbage disposal.  They need to be careful though.  That hair will clog a drain something fierce.

 

Sandy: Who knew a VCR could be more fun than poking someone in the eye with cuticle scissors?

Jon:  anyone born before about 1995 probably but it’s close.  There is a certain joy that comes from plunging a cuticle scissor 3 centimeters into an eye.

 

Sandy: Name the dance Joe’s new chatty blond bar stripper does.

Jon:  She is the most openly depressed stripper ever and she has zero concern about sharing that with her customers so the dance should reflect that.   Her song should definitely be Suicide Blonde.  I picture her doing the saddest, most disinterested twerk ever.   The Bored Bootie Flop?  The Grim Grind?

 

Sandy: Would you eat someone else’s drain finger?

Jon:  Is it Josh Groban’s finger?  If so, probably not.  That shit would be super bland.  Maybe with some Draino marinate on it.  

 

Lessons

1. Don’t write on bathroom walls.  It’s been done before and probably better than you.  That clever little limerick you spent half a poop thinking of is just not that funny.

2. Find someone who hates the same things as you.  The couple that hates together, stays together is the old adage right?

3. Also find someone who shares your interests except maybe killing.  I guess it also works to find the positives too.

4. Bad puns get you killed.  Always.  Just skip the puns.

5. A manicure is the best way to end a date.  I had never thought of this before but ending a date with pretty hands is pretty good.

6. Don’t eat Chinese food in your car at a drive in and wash it down with popcorn.  Chinese food is not good car food.  It’s messy and it’ll leave your car smelling funny.  Then adding the popcorn smell is just gross.

7. Diet Slice is not very good stuff.  All those clear diet sodas taste like fake sugar and chemicals.

8. Don’t eat your customers.  You won’t get much repeat business if you’ve eaten your clientele.

Happy National Doughnut Day

June 4th is National Doughnut Day but before we dive into the movie, there is exciting news that will make this blog and future projects more spectacular.  Starting with this week, I am joined by a co-author/contributor- Sandy.  Sandy is going to add a unique perspective to the movies and celebrations and bring a Sandyness, and probably some profanity directed at me.  Anyway, National Doughnut Day sounds like the dream holiday to me.  An excuse to eat those miraculous, circles of dough al day whether they be jelly, Boston Creme or any other flavor or variety except those plain powdered ones.  You can have those.  So head over to your nearest doughnut shop, Dunkin is giving free donuts today, grab a dozen, or more so you have some for tomorrow, and join Sandy and me as we watch 2016’s Attack of the Killer Donuts,

The Movie

Attack of the Killer Donuts follows Johnny, and his friends Michelle and Howard, as they battle an ever expanding horde of killer donuts.  Yes, killer donuts

Sandy: If you enjoy movies like Critters or Ghoulies but wish they also kind of had an element of Clerks to them, you’ll love this ridiculous low-budget over-the-top confectionary catastrophe. (And I mean catastrophe in the most positive of ways.) Just be prepared to let go of your inner desire for logic or reasoning before you hit “play” on this one and you’ll be fine.

Johnny’s mom is MILFy and makes him breakfast even though he still hasn’t mowed the lawn.  He even manages to hit her up for some cash before he leaves for work.  It seems his girlfriend, Veronica, is draining him of his money and mom really wants him to be with Michelle instead.  Johnny doesn’t want to do that because they grew up together.  Before he leaves, Johnny wants his tablet which has vanished.  His Uncle Luther has stolen it to use in his bizarre experiments in his basement laboratory.  He is conducting experiments in reanimation with rats? Guinea pigs? With some unidentifiable rodent.  In any event, he is very calming with his subjects assuring one subject that “This won’t hurt because you’re dead.”  He is not any good at controlling his subjects as one manages to a chunk out of his shoulder.  Johnny get his tablet which looks way more like a laptop and leaves.

Sandy: The mad scientist uncle referred to his lab as his “lair.”

Michelle has a less supportive family.  Her dad/brother (I really don’t know which.  He looks old enough to be her dad but he threatens to tell mom like a brother) is running a computer repair business but Michelle does all the work for him in exchange for rides to work.  We also get to meet Veronica and her “friend” Bobby.  Veronica has come to get money from Johnny and won’t even kiss him.  I wonder why?

Maybe Bobby is Just a Friend as Biz Markie would say.

The work environment is as dysfunctional as you might expect.  The owner of the donut shop is a cheap prick who cuts corners and makes inferior donuts.  Things only get worse when Luther shows up to retrieve the tablet apparently having forgotten that he is banned from the donut shop.  He and Cliff proceed to brawl and Cliff’s toupee is removed.

Sandy: During the scuffle with the sleazy boss, Cliff, at the donut shop Luther totally lost a glowing green vial of the “reanimation” goo he had just invented, with absolutely zero concern for where it had landed. (It landed right in the donut fryer, of course.)  Now, seeing as how it was supposed to be some kind of injectable REanimation potion, I don’t actually understand how or why the donuts came to life, nor why they suddenly had teeth and an appetite for human flesh when they did, but I am fucking totes okay with it.

No one seems to have noticed the vial of goo and they just go on about their day.  From there we meet police officers Rodgers and Hammerstein.  Rodgers has coerced Hammerstein to stop so they can get free donuts.  They leave a perp in the car while they go in which seems highly unprofessional.  Mrs. Scolari comes in to get a donut to celebrate her diet cheat day and leaves with a dozen somehow.  At home she dresses in sexy lingerie to eat her donuts while her clearly animatronic cat watches on.  

Sandy: I LOVE how the lady who was going to have some kind of sexual experience with the box of donuts she bought never once tried to use her hands to remove the initial attacking donut from her face. She just flailed around in her red teddy and yelled about it to an empty house until all the donuts joined forces to end her suffering.

Flanagan runs the rival donut shop and he stops in to show off his latest creation- a gold, shiny mini-donut made from all organic, gluten-free, fat-free ingredients(which means it sucks) that he sells for $3.50.  Cliff won’t eat it since it’s hippie food so Michelle does and apparently it’s orgasmic.  Finally, Howard shows up, fresh from having dinner with Johnny’s mom and the stage is set for the descent into madness that is donuts eating people.  We won’t spoil anything here but those donuts are vicious and it will take everything and a testicle that our heroes have to stop them.

Lessons

1. Do not trust a basement science lab that is conducting reanimation experiments.  It’s unsanitary, untested and the scientist is likely insane.

2. Eat a healthy diet that won’t eat you.  A donut on National Doughnut Day is fine(as long as it isn’t reanimated) but you shouldn’t eat only donuts.

3. Don’t be a cockblocker.  If it’s clear there is something going on with your friend and another, just walk home.  Don’t ride around with them all night when they were finally going to hook up.

4. Donuts explode in microwaves.  This is vital information should you ever find yourself face to face with killer donuts.

5. Donuts reproduce in the wild.  When freed from the confines of a case, donuts have babies at a rate comparable to cockroaches.

6. Have the plan worked out before you go fight the donuts in your epic final battle.  There is no room for improvisation or uncertainty when facing such a lethal foe.

Final Thoughts

Attack of the Killer Donuts is the perfect movie for the day.  It’s a fun hour and twenty minutes that doesn’t take itself too seriously.  There is plenty of humor throughout and enough gore to satisfy most.  There are a few occasions where the donuts look more like bagels which would make for a great sequel.  Is a kruller a donut?  There are a bunch of those mixed in too.  The acting has the proper level of cheese and the characters that need to be likeable are very much so.    As long as you go in knowing that this is a goofy movie,  you won’t regret the time spent.  This is a solid 4 donut movie.  

Sandy: First of all, the soundtrack was original and also an absolutely delightful punky throwback to classic horror-comedy creature films (of the 80’s especially). Though this is not a testament to the quality of the film, there were more than a few celebrity lookalikes throughout the movie, with the main character appearing to be the love child of Justin Long and Christian Bale, the mom being a low-budget ringer for Salma Hayek, the friend (spoiler alert) she was secretly fucking looking like an extra dorky tiny Seth Rogan, and I could have sworn at first glance that the head douchebag donut shop customer who came in with his friends could have been Bill Skarsgard’s cousin. I also totally thought one of the cops was from Weekend At Bernie’s, (he was not), but it turns out to have been C. Thomas Howell (who HAS been in quite a few mainstream movies and tv shows).  The acting was mostly pretty impressively terrible, as were the special effects, but it is 100% worth the watch in my opinion.  Oh! Did I mention the burning acid donut filler cream that some of the donuts could spray at people? Why?? WHO CARES, it’s awesome.  Every one of the multiple fight scenes was an uncoordinated shit-show in itself, and also awesome.  All in all, I’d say this movie is well worth an hour and twenty-five minutes of your life. DONUT miss out on this gem! See what I did there?

Happy National Sleepover Day

 May 9th is National Sleepover Day.  The sleepover is a rite of passage for children.  They reach an age, probably randomly determined by a parent, at which they are able to spend the night at a friend’s house.  These aren’t the nights you spend at a grandparent’s or some other relative or family friend so your parents can go out for the night and then come home to a quiet house and make you a sibling.  No, these are the nights you get to spend at a friend’s house staying up late, watching movies and talking, sleeping in an air mattress on the floor.  Bonding experiences.  Nights that strengthen friendships and leave you tired for days.  I hated sleepovers.  I have a hard enough time sleeping in my own bed, in my own house.  Put me in a new place and forget it.  All the unfamiliar sounds and light.  The air mattress, if I was lucky, wasn’t any more comfortable than a sleeping bag on the floor.  Plus someone always snores- loudly,  Did you just fart in your sleep?  Your cat is biting my toes.  Your baby sister is screeching.  Oh shit, you did fart in your sleep.  No thanks, I’ll just sleep at home and watch movies.  It just so happens that there is a perfect movie to go with National Sleepover Day- 1982’s The Slumber Party Massacre.  So call a friend and have them spend the night and watch but I’m sleeping in my own bed.

The Movie

High schooler Trish wakes to her clock radio and news that mass murderer Russ Thorn has escaped but Trish has no time for the news even if it is foreshadowing news.  It’s a big day.  Her parents are going away and she’s having a slumber party with her 3 best girlfriends- Diane, Kim and Jackie.  As her parents are getting into the car to leave they tell her that the neighbor, Mr. Contant will be keeping an eye on things.  Mr Contant is not what you would call intimidating but he does seem awfully eager to help out.  Trish heads for school after throwing out the garbage including her Barbie doll.  Seems like an odd time to kick Barbie to the curb but Trish has had it with her.

At school, we meet the rest of Trish’s crew.  Jeff and Neil are typical horny teenage boys and as if this needs proving, Jeff hits on the phone repairwoman.  She is unimpressed though flattered but even if she had said yes the date never would have happened.  She is killed in her van by a killer with a drill.  This sets a precedent for this movie,  No one can hear anything.  She screams and the drill is definitely not quiet but no one in the parking lot seems to hear.  The girls are playing basketball in PE, which seems to be the only class they have all day, and as Coach Jana tells them “Larry Bird they ain’t.”  Valerie, the new girl who lives across the street from Trish has some skill but Jackie is trash.  The defense is porous, no one can take a charge and the referees, if there even are any, won’t call even the most blatant travel.  After PE the girls shower and change. Trish wants to invite Valerie but the other girls aren’t into the idea and they make jokes about Valerie who is changing nearby and hears everything.  Trish invites her anyway but having heard the girls’ opinions of her, she declines and heads home for a night of babysitting her inappropriately oversexualized younger sister Courtney.  Diane walks home and her boyfriend John Minor, who is called by his full name for almost the entire movie, tries to sneak up on her but she flips him over.  Coach Jana goes home to the handywoman drilling a peephole in her door and it’s the shittiest peephole you’ll ever see.  If Coach Jana ever has the chance to use it she’ll surely get splinters in her eye.

Trish goes home and prepares for the big night and is apparently so excited that she forgets to close the door.  Open doors are an invitation to Mr. Contant who lets himself in and scares Trish.  Soon the other girls show up with a bag of Maui Wowie and Mr. Contant catches them but promises not to tell about the weed if the girls don’t tell on him for sneaking into the house.  The night is now in full swing- weed, chips, pizza, creepy neighbor, peeping toms and a drill wielding maniac.  These girls are fucked as a bloody night awaits in The Slumber Party Massacre.

Lessons

1. Radio station giveaways generally suck.  Be the 93rd caller and you win a radio station T-shirt and an entry into the big contest and a chance to win a trip that you’ll never win.  Just skip it.  You’ll only ever wear the shirt to mow the lawn anyway.

2. Brian Sipe is a doll who needed to take his helmet off more often.  I had never thought about the Browns quarterback as anything but a quarterback but upon further review he is a doll.

3. Don’t go back into the building alone.  Especially when there’s a killer on the loose.  Especially when it’s late and the building will be locked up soon.  And especially not alone.  

4. Jim Jones did NOT give his followers Kool Aid.  He used the knock off, Flavor Aid.

5. French kissing is gross.  You don’t know where that tongue has been or what germs are on it.  It’s also really slimy and feels like a rubber octopus tentacle.  Tongues are for tasting and electric sockets.

6. Never, and I mean NEVER, drop your machete.  Even if you think the maniac with the drill is dead.

5 More Movies With Power Tools as Weapons

1. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre-  Um a chainsaw

2. The Evil Dead Trilogy- Chainsaw Hand

3. Driller Killer-  Another drill

4. Nail Gun Massacre-  Yep a nail gun

5. Hatchet-  Power Sander

Happy National Cat Day

October 29th is National Cat Day, a day to celebrate your furry friends and shower them with fishy food and snuggles.  In this house, it’s a very big deal since there are 8 of them to celebrate.  It is rare that I watch a movie without at least one of them camped out on my lap.  So, in their honor I watched a movie, Cat’s Eye.  The cats, as they sometimes can be, were unimpressed by this effort and instead chose to beg for food.  I think Cat’s Eye was a great choice, so maybe you guys will have more luck celebrating your cats with Cat’s Eye but even if your cats aren’t into it, you will be.

The Movie

Cat’s Eye is a horror anthology featuring three stories, all witnessed by a cat who will come to be named General.  In Quitter’s Inc., Richard Morrison(James Woods) is a smoker who turns to a doctor for help quitting.  Richard gets a sense that perhaps this isn’t the right path for him as he witnesses a man crying in the waiting room.  Before long the man’s wife comes out of the office limping and she is mad.  She beats the man with her purse to the amusement of the receptionist.  As Richard prepares to leave the doctor comes out and ushers him into his office for a consultation.  In the office of Dr. Donatti(Alan King), Richard is given a verbal and visual explanation of the company’s techniques which are unique, effective and painful to say the least.  The pain will not be Richard’s though.  Should he slip and have a cigarette his wife and daughter will be subjected  to electric shock and appendage amputations.  Richard refuses the treatment plan, thinking Dr. Donatti has accepted that he won’t be treating Richard.  The problem is Dr. Donatti has no intention of letting this client walk.  Quitter’s Inc. is watching him at all hours of the day, waiting for him to light up.  Now Richard must quit for the sake of his family.

In the next segment, The Ledge, we have a gambling crime boss named Cressner(Kenneth McMillan).  He will bet on anything including whether the cat can cross a busy Atlantic City street without getting hit.  His latest bet is with Johnny Norris(Robert Hays).  Johnny had been planning to run off with Cressner’s wife but as he was making his final preparations, Cressner’s goons kidnap him.  Johnny is brought to the penthouse apartment of Cressner and presented with a bet.  Should he win this bet, Cressner will spare his life, give him his wife and get rid of the drugs he has planted on Johnny.  All Johnny has to do is successfully walk the 5 inch wide ledge around the building.  If he doesn’t take the bet he’s dead anyway so Johnny reluctantly accepts and within seconds almost falls from the ledge.  There are more layers to this challenge than we initially realize.  Johnny encounters an angry pigeon and Cressner will attempt to win by any means including cheating.  Johnny just needs to complete the bet one shuffle step at a time.

In the final segment, General, our cat friend finally finds a home and a name.  He has hopped a train south and met a little girl named Amanda(Drew Barrymore) who is immediately in love and begs her mom to let him stay.  Mom begrudgingly agrees but she doesn’t trust or like General.  Mom is not happy though and threatens to take General to the shelter at the slightest slip up especially in regards to Amanda’s pet bird.  Dad is more accepting but it’s clear mom runs the house.  Amanda is having nightmares but the one night she snuck General into her room, the nightmares did not occur.  The following night we learn it is not nightmares that she suffers from but a troll living in her wall is attempting to do her harm.  General manages to get in the house and rescue Amanda but the troll has already eaten the pet bird and then vanishes just in time for mom and dad to get in the room.  Mom is certain that General ate the bird.  She launches into a tirade of I told you so’s and the next morning she scoops up General and takes him to the shelter.  Mom is kind of a bitch who hates cats.  Now Amanda not only has a troll problem but she also no longer has General to protect her from that ugly little fucker.

My Favorite Horror Anthologies

1. Creepshow

2. VHS

3. ABCs of Death

4. Trick R Treat

5. Tales From the Darkside: The Movie

Lessons

1. Smoking is bad for those around you.  It seems like I’m harping on the dangers of smoking.  Last time, it was what could happen to you and this time it is the dangers to those around you.  Smoking can cause illness in those around you.  In addition to illness, your loved ones could be forced to endure electric shock and the amputation of appendages as a lesson to you.  

2. Don’t run off with the boss’s wife.  Really don’t run off with anyone’s wife but especially a crime boss.  They are mean and vengeful and will make you walk around a building on a 5 inch ledge.

3. Pigeons are dicks.  Not only are they not afraid of you and shit everywhere but they will also peck your ankle as you try to circumnavigate the ledge of a skyscraper.

4. Cats are the first and best line of defense against a troll infestation.  Cats have a unique ability to sense the presence of trolls and are ferocious in their attacks on said trolls.  If you believe you have trolls, contact your local pet rescue and adopt a cat or 8.  I guarantee your troll problem will be no more and you will always have a cat to snuggle with.

National Farmer's Day

 For many years, I have had an incredible fondness for movies that were filmed near where I live.  I think it began with 1981’s Ragtime.  The “Ragtime house” was about 5 miles from my own as a child so when I saw the movie and the house I was excited.  Something of cinematic note had happened near me and I knew exactly where.  Turns out. I hated that fucking movie.  It was scary or gory or any of the things that drew me to movies then and now.  Ever since, though, I have had that same sense when I see a familiar location on screen.  Generally, it’s New York City but occasionally the locations are closer.  Recently, I have felt that surge of excitement again as I discovered 2 movies written by Ed Adlum.  Shriek of the Mutilated was the first at a horror movie event that shall remain nameless.  It was fantastic to see the locations in and around Yorktown Heights, NY and I wanted more so when Severin released Invasion of the Blood Farmers shortly after I snatched it up immediately.  Adlum not only wrote but also directed this one.  The locations were again familiar, roads I’ve driven, buildings I’ve been in.  I knew I had to find an opportunity to include it in the blog.  I just needed the right day.

October 12th is National Farmer’s Day, a day to celebrate the contributions of the men and women who feed the nation.  Invasion of the Blood Farmers is not exactly a traditional farmer movie.  Some may not even consider it a farm movie at all but they would be wrong.  Just because the Blood Farmers don’t grow corn or have an actual farm or may not even be farmers is irrelevant.  They are harvesting a crop so in my book that makes them farmers.  So run down to the farmer’s market, grab some apples, cor and jam and sit back and enjoy Invasion of the Blood Farmers.

The Movie

The movie opens with good old Jim Carrey(not that one) bloody and staggering down a very familiar stretch of road.  You can tell this is 1972 because there is far less traffic on the road than today.  Inside a bar up the street, almost the entire male population of the town, is sitting around getting hammered.  Cliff is upset because his wife is gone while the deputy is bombed and powerless.  It seems that in Jefferson Valley only the police chief has any ability to investigate anything and he’s in Capital City for a trial.  They all miss old Jim Carrey(still not that one) so there is some excitement when they see him shambling, seemingly already drunk towards the bar.  He isn’t drunk and collapses and dies on the floor.   

From there we meet John and his fiance Jenny who are finally enjoying some quality time by the water.  John has been very busy working, trying to build a career in pathology.  He works for Jenny’s dad Dr. Roy Anderson.  Jenny feels like all John’s time is occupied by her father which is confirmed when Dr. Anderson bursts outside to drag John to his pathology lab in the basement of his house.  They need to autopsy Jim Carrey.  Turns out old Jim had one hell of a blood illness.  

Meanwhile, the blood farmers are really some kind of Druid-y cult that is looking for the perfect blood to resurrect their queen.  They are draining the blood from locals, newlyweds,dogs and seemingly anything else they come in contact with.  One of the Egon has boundless zeal for his job that actually seems to border on bloodlust.  Dr. Anderson’s work brings him to the attention of the blood farmers who kill the family dog.  The great pathologist believes the blood they find where the dog was killed is actually evidence of a woodchuck fight.  Dr. Anderson has also learned that his blood sample from Jim is growing at a rapid rate.  This discovery only draws further attention from the blood farming Druids and endangers his daughter.  Invasion of the Blood Farmers is a marvelous 1970s B movie and you should definitely watch it for National Farmer’s Day.

Other Favorite Movies With Cults

1. The Endless

2. Cut And Run

3. Mandy

4. We Summon The Darkness

5. The Ritual

Lessons

Nothing happens in Jefferson Valley.  While this is not necessarily accurate in Invasion of the Blood Farmers, despite one character’s complaint, it is absolutely true.  NOTHING!  Even the mall is a bust.

Use clean rags to wipe up blood.  Dirty rags are only going to smear the blood around and add an additional layer of grime especially if it is mutated expanding blood.

Always report strange health anomalies.  If you happen to stumble upon some weird medical condition, even if you are a pathologist, you need to report your findings.  It is always a bad idea to conceal your findings for any reason even if you just want time to understand what you found better.   You are only giving blood farming Druids or a virus more time to operate.

When you get married, you no longer have to watch the late show.  It turns out that you were only watching the late show because you did not want to have premarital sex.  Once you get married, it’s no more Jimmy Fallon only fucking.

Boundless zeal outweighs one’s faults.  You may not be good at what you do but limitless enthusiasm will look good in the eyes of others and can help disguise how bad you actually are.

Hire subordinates who you trust and are capable of doing the job in your absence.  It will do your business or police department no good if it can’t function while you are away.  That’s how you get blood farmers.

National Name Your Car Day

 One of the best things about doing this blog is finding obscure National Days and matching them to movies.  It is also fairly challenging, especially trying to find a movie that fits.  October 2nd is National Produce Misting Day.  I’m not sure if I could find a movie that fits that day.  Fortunately, October 2nd is also National Name Your Car Day, a day to give your automobile a name besides car or Explorer or Jeep. It’s a day to really name your car.  It’s also a day for a movie about a car with a name.  So to celebrate I suggest watching John Carpenter’s adaptation of the Stephen King novel Christine.  Buckle up, it’s going to be a wild ride.

The Movie

Christine, a 1958 Plymouth Fury was born in Detroit in 1957 on an assembly line.  The nurse advised that this one be left alone because that nurse could tell immediately that she was bad to the bone.  The nurse was right.  Christine’s first victim almost seems accidental as her hood falls on the hand of an inspector.  Her 2nd victim removes any doubt of her intentions though.  When he carelessly drops cigar ash on her brand new seat Christine kills him.  Fast forward a few years and we meet Arnie Cunningham(Keith Gordon) and his best friend Dennis Guilder(John Stockwell).  Arnie is a nerd who is easily pushed around while Dennis is a football player and ladies man.  They are now seniors with very different goals.  Arnie wants to study and loves shop even though his parents hate that he takes it.  Dennis, on the other hand, wants to get Arnie laid which, given Arnie’s confidence, is quite a task.  Arnie is not optimistic.  He thinks that even though he “carries his life savings between his legs” he will wind up self-pleasuring.  In school, they see the new girl Leigh(Alexandra Paul) and all the guys are in love at first sight.  Classes aren’t going well for Arnie either.  When he is late for lunch, Dennis finds him still in shop class being terrorized by the school bullies, led by Buddy Repperton(William Ostrander) and his sidekick Moochie(Malcolm Danare).  They have his lunch and before Dennis can help him Repperton stabs the lunch to death with his switchblade.  Blows are exchanged and the teacher breaks it up.  Repperton is expelled but it will not be the last time he tortures Arnie.  

On the way home from school, Arnie falls in love.  Christine is a dilapidated shadow of her former self but Arnie sees through it to the beauty that she could be with a little TLC.  He immediately forks over the $250 asking price and drives off in his new love.  Arnie’s parents disapprove of his new lady, however.  They blame Dennis for allowing him to buy it and they refuse to allow Arnie to keep his car at home.  It turns out Arnie’s mom is a bitch.  Arnie is forced to keep his love in a low rent garage.  Christine brings out a new side to Arnie.  He is more confident and assertive.  She is the answer to all his problems even as Dennis begins to question Christine and her true personality.  Arnie chooses to unveil his fully restored Christine and his new girlfriend Leigh at an important football game.  The game ends poorly for Dennis as he suffers a horrible injury as Arnie and Leigh play tonsil hockey.  From there, Arnie’s obsession with Christine deepens and Christine’s dark side truly emerges and we get a weird love triangle between a boy, a girl and a Plymouth.

Christine is a wild ride.  John Carpenter movies always have distinctive scores and this is no different.  Between classic rock songs and 1950s pop songs, he slips in his own compositions that add to the mood of growing dread.  Christine is more than a killer car.  She takes over the lives of her owners.  She drives them as much as they drive her.  Arnie is an ideal owner for Christine.  Being meek and so easily pushed around, the power he feels from Christine is intoxicating and he will do anything for his beloved.  

My 5 Favorite Stephen King Adaptations

1. The Mist (2007)

2. It

3. Creepshow

4. Maximum Overdrive

5. Stand By Me

Lessons

1. Smoking is bad for you.  I like a good cigar from time to time but it certainly isn’t healthy especially in a car that is possessed by an evil entity.

2. You can’t polish a turd.  You can try but no matter how much you rub that turd it’s still going to be a piece of shit.  Also if you aren’t careful yo will get shit all over yourself.

3. If your car tries to kill your girlfriend, it’s probably time to get rid of one of them.  When the hatred between the two reaches this level, you really need to step in.  You should probably take the word of your girlfriend.  

4. Don’t vandalize someone’s car.  It doesn’t make you look tough,  It just makes you look like an asshole and a coward.  Besides, you never know if the car is evil and will take its own revenge.

      5. Don’t name your cars.  I know.  It’s name your car day and I’m telling you not to celebrate the          holiday.  I also know many of you already have.  Cars don’t need names.  They won’t answer            when you call them by it.  They don’t need one for legal documents.  They have real names               anyway.  Christine’s was 1958 Plymouth Fury.