June 12th is National Red Rose Day. The red rose is one of the most recognized symbols of love. Every holiday, birthday, special occasion or attempted apology for any misstep, large or small, American men line up and drop money on dozens of roses. Billions of roses are imported to the United States annually. Roses may be the only gift men ever feel fully confident giving. In the spirit of roses and love, we here at National Horror-Daze decided to watch a movie emblematic of the kind of love that the rose industry would be thrilled to celebrate. This week… Psychos In Love, the story of Joe and Kate,2 serial killers who find one another and fall in love.
Jon: How about that laugh through the opening credits?
Sandy: First of all, the font in the opening credits was super effing rad. The laugh reminded me of the laugh Vincent Price did at the end of Thriller, but combined with Krusty the Clown’s laugh maybe. NO WAIT... there’s an old song from the 50’s(?) that has a random spastic wild laughing fit somewhere in it and I thought I knew what it was but I can’t remember it and I just went on a 15 minute tangent rabbit hole search trying to figure out which song I’m thinking of with no success and now I’m all pissed off. But yeah, that laugh reminds me of this laugh too.
Jon: How good is an ass you want to sink your teeth into?
Sandy: I’d say it has to be pretty fantASStic... AHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAAA.
Jon: Ugh.
Jon: How do you feel about grapes?
Sandy: I would not eat them in a box, I would not eat them with a fox, I would not eat them here or there, I would not eat them anywhere. (Actually, I like grapes. Don’t tell Joe.)
Jon: Sorry Joe and Kate, grapes are great.
Jon: Is there red champagne?
Sandy: Yes, actually. It’s called “Coteaux Champenois”. Don’t be too impressed, I absolutely googled that shit. I will remember it as “Cotex Champions” though because I am an uncultured American swine.
Jon: Do you like it when guys rub suntan oil on your legs uninvited?
Sandy: Only if I get to stab them in the gut until blood inexplicably explodes out of their face like Kate did.
Jon: Personally, I love being at the beach and having someone I don’t know whip out some Coppertone and smear it all over my legs.
Jon: Ever change your clothes in a bar?
Sandy: No, but I have taken a shit in the back room of a strip club where the dancers were changing. There was a toilet, I didn’t shit on the floor.
Jon: Ever eat Chinese food in your car?
Sandy: Does cold, hard, prepared supermarket sesame chicken count?
Jon: How do you feel about hairy chests with hairless patches around the nipple?
Sandy: ooh! It’s like crop circles in a field of corn. So beautiful and mysterious.
Jon: Chainsaw manicure?
Sandy: I generally use my teeth, but I’m open to new experiences.
Jon: This is a hard pass for me. There’s no way she could adequately handle my cuticles with a chainsaw.
Jon: Is this the perfect relationship?
Sandy: I mean, they’re close but also give each other space to do their own things. They make each other laugh and they take care of each other, soooo... yes?
Jon: Can love cure slashing?
Sandy: Not if slashing is what you love!
Jon: Is this song better than the Attack of the Killer Donuts song?
Sandy: That’s a tough one for me. I think the lyrics of this song might be more intricate and involved, but I still think I’m going to have to stick with Attack of the Killer Donuts. Carmine Capobianco, who played Joe, cowrote the film and helped with the special effects, also did the music for the movie.
Jon: If this movie were to be remade, who would you cast?
Sandy: Zach Galifianakis as Joe and Tilda Swinton as Kate. No explanation. Just make it happen.
Jon: Danny DeVito and Bryce Dallas Howard.
Jon: Could you sleep through the screams of the woman your lover was killing?
Sandy: It would depend on whether or not he was killing her in the same room I was trying to sleep in. If I had some ambient noise or the hum of an air conditioner going on and it wasn’t in the same room, I definitely could.
Jon: Stripper head centerpiece — tacky or cool?
Sandy: I think the one Joe made was pretty tasteful.
Jon: Would your lover make a good killing partner? Could he be your Joe to his Kate?
Sandy: Hahaha, no way. He’d feel all guilty partway through and I’d have to complete all the killings myself.
Jon: Alison would be way too good at it. I think once we got started, it would be difficult to stop her. In a week, half the town would be in our drain.
Jon: Seriously is this not the best romance movie ever?
Sandy: It’s up there on the list, but there’s also something incredibly sweet about the dude in Frankenhooker trying to rebuild his girlfriend after her tragic lawnmower accident. I don’t know which one wins in my mind, but the patchwork sculptural element of Frankenhooker appeals to the creative in me.
Jon: Can two psycho killers find love and settle down?
Sandy: I’m not a big fan of calling anything impossible. It does seem like successfully disposing of bodies without getting caught might rapidly become an issue if they didn’t spread out their hunting grounds and figure out some kind of killing schedule.
Jon: Alison and I are happy.
Jon: Best wedding ever?
Sandy: I’m asking YOU who’s on first? Haha, yes. That was delightfully ridiculous.
Jon: Are you a big ninny?
Sandy: ARE YOU A BIG NINNY??
Jon: Can you operate a VCR?
Sandy: I was born in 1981... a VCR raised me.
Jon: Are GrapeNuts the testicles of grapes?
Sandy: No, Jon. It’s a cereal. You fucking ninny.
Jon: Well they taste like it.
Jon: Ever eat a mouse turd because you thought it was a grape?
Sandy: Was this in the movie? Who the fuck would think a mouse turd looked like a grape?? MAYBE a small less wrinkly raisin could look like a rat turd... MAYBE. But a full grape and a mouse turd? No. That person deserves to be force-fed all the mouse turds.
Jon: Is the end credit song even better?
Sandy: Any song with “boogers” and “rat doo doo“ in the lyrics is alright by me.
Sandy: When you’re strangling a woman with rope, does she usually immediately get a bloody nose?
Jon: My technique may not be as good as Joe’s. I am still a neophyte serial killer so maybe the blood from the nose comes from a skill I’m yet to develop. Ummmmmm wait. Perhaps I’ve said too much. Strike that last comment.
Sandy: Do you have any Windex in your purse?
Jon: I stopped carrying a purse when COVID started and even when I did I would never sully my Coach bag with Windex.
Sandy: When your windshield is dirty and Alison doesn’t have any windex in her purse, what do you do?
Jon: Usually I just use windshield wiper fluid. It seems to work pretty well and I don’t have to pull over everytime a bug gets splattered on the windshield. Alison has lots of goodies in her purse but never Windex.
Sandy: How much poison in one drink is too much?
Jon: Joe is an expert so when he dumps an entire box of a generic poison into a drink, I am hesitant to question him. As I said, I am a neophyte but my understanding is 2 parts drink and 1 part poison is effective. Joe’s poisoned drink comes out more like a very thick milkshake, which is something you can get away with in a poorly lit sauna but if you expect anyone to drink it in better lighting, less powdered poison might be better. Also, a powdered poison seems like an odd choice.
Sandy: “I’m not gonna kill you. I mean, I’m really not gonna kill you.” Comforting or creepy?
Jon: Coming from someone like Joe, I found it to be very reassuring. While Joe may be a psycho in love and a serial killer, he seems to be a man of his word. He doesn’t lie. He was very open with Kate about his predilections for murder. I believed him.
Sandy: Did you get PeeWee Herman trying out new toys at the magic shop vibes from the plumber fiddling with his own tools after knocking that woman out?
Jon: Oh no doubt. It’s probably not coincidental that the plumber’s name is Herman. He’s like Pee Wee Herman’s creepy. Plumbing, trucker hat wearing brother Jumbo Herman.
Sandy: How do you wash a car with no windshield?
Jon: You don’t. If your car is missing its windshield, the overall cleanliness of the car is probably inconsequential. That said, if you are determined to wash a car with no windshield, you should invest in a sturdy tarp and some Gorilla tape and wash very carefully. As someone who drove a car with a busted sunroof for many years, you need to keep as much water out as possible or else you’ll be sitting in puddles and your ashtray will grow all kinds of fun, psychedelic molds.
Sandy: When you’re putting your open uncovered knives back into your pocket, do you put them handle first or blade first?
Jon: This is a difficult question. I think blade first. Blade first gives you the ability to take it back out quickly without cutting up your precious murder hand. If you are wearing looser pants with good pockets, you can even avoid slicing up your legs and genitals with a simple shift and some care. Handle first almost guarantees sliced hands and probably a good stab in your own gut.
Sandy: Who’s Josh?
Jon: Josh could be Josh Groban, Could you imagine Joe and Kate getting their hands on that guy? Just choking the shitty adult contemporary music right out of him. Making Josh filets and cramming the remnants down the garbage disposal. They need to be careful though. That hair will clog a drain something fierce.
Sandy: Who knew a VCR could be more fun than poking someone in the eye with cuticle scissors?
Jon: anyone born before about 1995 probably but it’s close. There is a certain joy that comes from plunging a cuticle scissor 3 centimeters into an eye.
Sandy: Name the dance Joe’s new chatty blond bar stripper does.
Jon: She is the most openly depressed stripper ever and she has zero concern about sharing that with her customers so the dance should reflect that. Her song should definitely be Suicide Blonde. I picture her doing the saddest, most disinterested twerk ever. The Bored Bootie Flop? The Grim Grind?
Sandy: Would you eat someone else’s drain finger?
Jon: Is it Josh Groban’s finger? If so, probably not. That shit would be super bland. Maybe with some Draino marinate on it.
Lessons
Don’t write on bathroom walls. It’s been done before and probably better than you. That clever little limerick you spent half a poop thinking of is just not that funny.
Find someone who hates the same things as you. The couple that hates together, stays together is the old adage right?
Also find someone who shares your interests except maybe killing. I guess it also works to find the positives too.
Bad puns get you killed. Always. Just skip the puns.
A manicure is the best way to end a date. I had never thought of this before but ending a date with pretty hands is pretty good.
Don’t eat Chinese food in your car at a drive in and wash it down with popcorn. Chinese food is not good car food. It’s messy and it’ll leave your car smelling funny. Then adding the popcorn smell is just gross.
Diet Slice is not very good stuff. All those clear diet sodas taste like fake sugar and chemicals.
Don’t eat your customers. You won’t get much repeat business if you’ve eaten your clientele.
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