June 4th is National Doughnut Day but before we dive into the movie, there is exciting news that will make this blog and future projects more spectacular. Starting with this week, I am joined by a co-author/contributor- Sandy. Sandy is going to add a unique perspective to the movies and celebrations and bring a Sandyness, and probably some profanity directed at me. Anyway, National Doughnut Day sounds like the dream holiday to me. An excuse to eat those miraculous, circles of dough al day whether they be jelly, Boston Creme or any other flavor or variety except those plain powdered ones. You can have those. So head over to your nearest doughnut shop, Dunkin is giving free donuts today, grab a dozen, or more so you have some for tomorrow, and join Sandy and me as we watch 2016’s Attack of the Killer Donuts,
The Movie
Attack of the Killer Donuts follows Johnny, and his friends Michelle and Howard, as they battle an ever expanding horde of killer donuts. Yes, killer donuts
Sandy: If you enjoy movies like Critters or Ghoulies but wish they also kind of had an element of Clerks to them, you’ll love this ridiculous low-budget over-the-top confectionary catastrophe. (And I mean catastrophe in the most positive of ways.) Just be prepared to let go of your inner desire for logic or reasoning before you hit “play” on this one and you’ll be fine.
Johnny’s mom is MILFy and makes him breakfast even though he still hasn’t mowed the lawn. He even manages to hit her up for some cash before he leaves for work. It seems his girlfriend, Veronica, is draining him of his money and mom really wants him to be with Michelle instead. Johnny doesn’t want to do that because they grew up together. Before he leaves, Johnny wants his tablet which has vanished. His Uncle Luther has stolen it to use in his bizarre experiments in his basement laboratory. He is conducting experiments in reanimation with rats? Guinea pigs? With some unidentifiable rodent. In any event, he is very calming with his subjects assuring one subject that “This won’t hurt because you’re dead.” He is not any good at controlling his subjects as one manages to a chunk out of his shoulder. Johnny get his tablet which looks way more like a laptop and leaves.
Sandy: The mad scientist uncle referred to his lab as his “lair.”
Michelle has a less supportive family. Her dad/brother (I really don’t know which. He looks old enough to be her dad but he threatens to tell mom like a brother) is running a computer repair business but Michelle does all the work for him in exchange for rides to work. We also get to meet Veronica and her “friend” Bobby. Veronica has come to get money from Johnny and won’t even kiss him. I wonder why?
Maybe Bobby is Just a Friend as Biz Markie would say.
The work environment is as dysfunctional as you might expect. The owner of the donut shop is a cheap prick who cuts corners and makes inferior donuts. Things only get worse when Luther shows up to retrieve the tablet apparently having forgotten that he is banned from the donut shop. He and Cliff proceed to brawl and Cliff’s toupee is removed.
Sandy: During the scuffle with the sleazy boss, Cliff, at the donut shop Luther totally lost a glowing green vial of the “reanimation” goo he had just invented, with absolutely zero concern for where it had landed. (It landed right in the donut fryer, of course.) Now, seeing as how it was supposed to be some kind of injectable REanimation potion, I don’t actually understand how or why the donuts came to life, nor why they suddenly had teeth and an appetite for human flesh when they did, but I am fucking totes okay with it.
No one seems to have noticed the vial of goo and they just go on about their day. From there we meet police officers Rodgers and Hammerstein. Rodgers has coerced Hammerstein to stop so they can get free donuts. They leave a perp in the car while they go in which seems highly unprofessional. Mrs. Scolari comes in to get a donut to celebrate her diet cheat day and leaves with a dozen somehow. At home she dresses in sexy lingerie to eat her donuts while her clearly animatronic cat watches on.
Sandy: I LOVE how the lady who was going to have some kind of sexual experience with the box of donuts she bought never once tried to use her hands to remove the initial attacking donut from her face. She just flailed around in her red teddy and yelled about it to an empty house until all the donuts joined forces to end her suffering.
Flanagan runs the rival donut shop and he stops in to show off his latest creation- a gold, shiny mini-donut made from all organic, gluten-free, fat-free ingredients(which means it sucks) that he sells for $3.50. Cliff won’t eat it since it’s hippie food so Michelle does and apparently it’s orgasmic. Finally, Howard shows up, fresh from having dinner with Johnny’s mom and the stage is set for the descent into madness that is donuts eating people. We won’t spoil anything here but those donuts are vicious and it will take everything and a testicle that our heroes have to stop them.
Lessons
Do not trust a basement science lab that is conducting reanimation experiments. It’s unsanitary, untested and the scientist is likely insane.
Eat a healthy diet that won’t eat you. A donut on National Doughnut Day is fine(as long as it isn’t reanimated) but you shouldn’t eat only donuts.
Don’t be a cockblocker. If it’s clear there is something going on with your friend and another, just walk home. Don’t ride around with them all night when they were finally going to hook up.
Donuts explode in microwaves. This is vital information should you ever find yourself face to face with killer donuts.
Donuts reproduce in the wild. When freed from the confines of a case, donuts have babies at a rate comparable to cockroaches.
Have the plan worked out before you go fight the donuts in your epic final battle. There is no room for improvisation or uncertainty when facing such a lethal foe.
Final Thoughts
Attack of the Killer Donuts is the perfect movie for the day. It’s a fun hour and twenty minutes that doesn’t take itself too seriously. There is plenty of humor throughout and enough gore to satisfy most. There are a few occasions where the donuts look more like bagels which would make for a great sequel. Is a kruller a donut? There are a bunch of those mixed in too. The acting has the proper level of cheese and the characters that need to be likeable are very much so. As long as you go in knowing that this is a goofy movie, you won’t regret the time spent. This is a solid 4 donut movie.
Sandy: First of all, the soundtrack was original and also an absolutely delightful punky throwback to classic horror-comedy creature films (of the 80’s especially). Though this is not a testament to the quality of the film, there were more than a few celebrity lookalikes throughout the movie, with the main character appearing to be the love child of Justin Long and Christian Bale, the mom being a low-budget ringer for Salma Hayek, the friend (spoiler alert) she was secretly fucking looking like an extra dorky tiny Seth Rogan, and I could have sworn at first glance that the head douchebag donut shop customer who came in with his friends could have been Bill Skarsgard’s cousin. I also totally thought one of the cops was from Weekend At Bernie’s, (he was not), but it turns out to have been C. Thomas Howell (who HAS been in quite a few mainstream movies and tv shows). The acting was mostly pretty impressively terrible, as were the special effects, but it is 100% worth the watch in my opinion. Oh! Did I mention the burning acid donut filler cream that some of the donuts could spray at people? Why?? WHO CARES, it’s awesome. Every one of the multiple fight scenes was an uncoordinated shit-show in itself, and also awesome. All in all, I’d say this movie is well worth an hour and twenty-five minutes of your life. DONUT miss out on this gem! See what I did there?
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