Happy National Love People Day!

September 30th is National Love People Day.  If you know any of us, you know that doesn’t exactly come naturally but we’re celebrating with Glorious anyway.  After a difficult breakup, Wes packs his car and drives.  As sleep begins to overtake him, he stops at a rest stop, eats candy, has a bonfire with his ex’s belongings and gets bombed.  Unsurprisingly, Wes wakes up sick and has to do the unthinkable- vomit in a rest stop toilet, head next to a gloryhole.  He soon learns that’s not the worst part.  A deity has taken up residence in the next stall and requires a sacrifice to save the world.  Does Wes love people enough to give of himself to save the world?  Do we?  Grab a bottle of JD and some Choco Stix and watch Glorious.

Questions

Sandy- Have you ever nodded off while driving? I conked out for a few seconds at a traffic light once while driving back to college. Fucking terrifying.

Alison- I've never done that but it does indeed sound and look like it's terrifying. 

Jon- Sure have.  Right in front of the police station.

Sandy- I haven’t looked it up yet, but who do you think that frozen statue lady who helped him with the candy bar was supposed to represent? She seems significant.

Alison- I bet it's something weird like a Greek goddess or something. 

Jon- The character’s name is Sharon and in mythology Charon’s duty is to ferry the dead across the River Styx so maybe.

Sandy- WOULD YOU RATHER puke outside in the grass amongst the trees and birds and sunlight, ORRRR hold it in to kneel on the floor of a filthy public rest area bathroom with your head in the absolutely grotesque toilet? I’ll tell you what, it’s all grass puking for me from now on.

Alison- This reminded me of Trainspotting. Putting your face inside a public toilet? No fucking thank you. 

Jon- I think we all know damn well that I’ll puke anywhere.  Middle of a sidewalk, CVS parking lot.  Wherever.  But not a rest stop toilet with a gloryhole.

Sandy- WOULD YOU TOUCH THAT FUCKING GOO ON THE STALL DOOR????

Alison- Fucking no!!

Jon- I wouldn’t touch anything in that hellhole.

Sandy- Who do you think had to clean up that bathroom after filming this?

Alison- It was probably a set that they just deconstructed. 

Jon- DK Simmons.

Sandy- Would you know how to cut your own liver out if you had to do it to save the universe?

Alison- I wouldn't do it. I'd let the universe perish. 

Jon- Not my liver.  I don’t like people that much.  Are Choco Stix always the last candy in the machine?

Alison- Are those real?? Is Choco stix a thing??

Sandy- Is that even a real candy?  Is it from 1972?

Jon- Yeah they are or were maybe.  Another “I love you beary much” bear?  What are the odds?

Alison- I see an unexpected theme !

Sandy- I said the same thing in my notes.  This and the big bear suit!

Jon- If you only eat Choco Stix and then down most of a bottle of Jack Daniels, is there any way you aren’t epically sick the next day?

Alison- Nope. I'm surprised he didn't throw up more. 

Sandy- I don’t think you’d need to involve the Choco Stix at all for that.

Jon- Do you ever talk into the creepy gloryhole in a shitty rest stop bathroom?

Alison- I definitely will from now on, just hoping for a deity to appear. 

Sandy- Ummmm… I’ve never seen a gloryhole in a woman’s bathroom.  

Jon- Would you take your own eye out if vomit and rest stop toilet water splashed into your eye?  Maybe it could be the body part you sacrifice to save the universe.

Alison- No but you bet I'd scrub the hell out of it with antibacterial soap. 

Sandy- I’d be cleaning it with rubbing alcohol and smashed up penicillin.

Jon- Would you listen to DK Simmons talking to you from a toilet stall?

Alison- Yes. Love him. 

Sandy- Definitely! That motherfucker is awesome!

Jon- What would you cut out or off to save the world?  I’ve already established that I would give my shitty rest stop, toilet water eye.

Alison- Nothing.  Fuck the world.  

Sandy- Elon Musk’s dick!

Alison- Is he listening to a Bing Crosby song because the rights were cheap?

Sandy- I want to say Bing Crosby is rad but I’m too lazy to look it up and see if he’s done anything terrible to anyone.  I feel like the very nature of his existence during the time of his life means he probably did.  Can anyone tell me if Bing Crosby was a dick?  I did like that song though.

Jon- He’d be a dick by today’s standards but not by his time.

Alison- How ripe do you think this guy smells?

Sandy- Oh boy… I’m sure he is RIPE!

Jon- He probably only smells worse as the movie goes on.

Alison- How bad is it when you’re at a rest stop, drinking whisky and burning shit… wait don’t answer that.

Sandy- I’m pretty sure Jon would do that to celebrate something joyful.  Actually… I’m pretty sure Jon already does that for fun.

Jon- I love fire!!!  You two sent a fire safety monitor to watch me and he almost blew himself up.

Alison- Worst hangover experience maybe?

Sandy- Are you referring to touching a rest area bathroom floor or having to cut yourself open so a tentacle God could hentai steal some of your liver to save the universe?

Jon- I mean it kind of seems like an average Saturday or Sunday morning when I was 25.

Alison- Is Gary a poor listener?

Sandy- Yeah man!  At first I was like “what did Gary ever do,” and then he shoved Wes back and I was “Eat him, Ghat!”

Jon- Would you listen to Wes at that point?  He seemed really deranged.  I don’t usually listen to crazy guys in rest stop bathrooms either.

Alison- Did you expect the twist?

Sandy- I knew what was coming because I watched it before but it surprised me the first time I saw it.  I think it’s brilliant because it really changes how you feel about everything that’s happened and rewatching it with that knowledge is a whole different experience.

Jon-  What a twist!!!

Lessons

1. No sitting or stooping in rest stop bathrooms.

2. Don’t put your eye to the gloryhole.

A Cuddly National Teddy Bear Day!

September 9th is National Teddy Bear Day.  It’s a chance to celebrate that cuddly, comforting, childhood toy that you clutched for years as you dozed off.  But what happens when that bear becomes sentient, jealous and murderous?  Well you get Bearry.  After Chloe endures a brutal divorce, her friend Sam makes the absurd decision to give Chloe a ridiculously oversized teddy bear.  I mean this thing is huge.  After Chloe tells Bearry she loves him, life comes into Bearry’s stuffed cotton body and he starts to murder every guy who has hurt Chloe.  Before long, Bearry has moved on to killing her friends and love interests.  Can Chloe free herself from this gigantic, plush monstrosity?  Maybe.  So grab your teddy bear and watch Bearry and you better never get me something as big and useless as that stuffed bear.

Questions

Jon: Which face was better- his O Face or her post sex face?  

Sandy:  Her post sex face made me sad because of how clearly dissatisfied she was. I can’t believe anyone ever fucked that guy, let alone married him. His face just makes me want to puke. Why the fuck did she marry him?

Jon: I don’t know why anyone would marry that guy.  It certainly wasn’t his sexual prowess nor his shitty personality.  Can you ever call it “pound town” when it’s with someone you have an emotional attachment with and she wasn’t impressed by your sexual efforts?  

Sandy:  You can definitely call it “pound town” when it’s someone you’re attached to emotionally, but not giving a shit when your partner isn’t satisfied is gross, and walking out on them when they try to express themselves to you is also gross and IWANTTHISFUCKINGGUYTODIE. Is saying “fire in the hole” when you cum the fastest way to dry up a vagina? Just kidding, trick question. The answer is yes.

Jon: The fastest?  Probably not faster than “Here comes the baby sauce” but it’s not going to get you many return engagements.  Is he really not a “total dick”?  I mean he has a younger, better looking less complainy girl waiting for him.  

Sandy:  K I L L. H I M. Guess how many times I wished this guy dead within my notes?

Jon: 6.5 because you got tired of writing it and just starting screaming at the TV.  How inconsiderate is it to get someone a gigantic, useless, unrequested gift like a fucking 16 foot tall teddy bear?  Also, FUN FACT- Felissa Rose does not actually have a dick.  

Sandy:   I would have been so fucking angry at that lady. In my notes I actually wrote “I’d kill someone if they got me a teddy bear that large”.  What she SHOULD have gotten her was an anatomically above average male sex doll. Hey Jon, will you and Alison get me an anatomically above average male sex doll for Christmas?

Jon: You sure that’s something you want me involved in purchasing?  You understand that it will look nothing like a man and probably be outright horrifying.  I thought you knew me better than that.  They found a restaurant that they can smoke in?  In the present?  And they all squish together on one side of a booth? And what is “white girl drunk”?  

Sandy:  WHAT THE FUCK?! I said the same thing?! Was it supposed to be a Last Supper reference, or just terrible directing? Another trick question, based on the quality of the rest of the film. Also, WHY WAS THE MAIN CHICK THE ONLY ONE EATING?!?!

Jon: Because she wasn’t paying!  Is this a one restaurant town or does she really like the waiter and hasn’t realized it yet?  

Sandy:  Literally also in my notes “Is there only one restaurant in this universe?” and  “‘Let’s go to your favorite restaurant tonight’…. GEE I WONDER WHAT RESTAURANT THAT WILL BE”.  Someone’s cousin or parents had to own that place and agree to let them use it to film for free. Did watching them go back to that restaurant over and over again make you want spaghetti? Or was I just stoned and wishing I had spaghetti?

Jon: I kind of always want spaghetti but these dining scenes made me want to never eat again.  Did you stand up and cheer when that bald prick’s head rolled across the floor?  

Sandy:  That dude was so evil he was like a parody of someone who was supposed to be the representation of pure evil. Was it me, or were all of the men in this movie repulsively disgusting? (Minus the waiter at the one restaurant in town.)

Jon: They were all pretty fucking terrible except the cops who were using their screen time to audition for Dumb and Dumber 3.  Could she have worse blind dates?  Shit gives me flashbacks.  

Sandy:  I thought she was speed dating at first, but when I realized her “friends” set her up with these dudes, I got kind of irrationally angry. Like… you’d have to put some WORK IN to find such a large amount of extreme idiots and assholes and assault weapon fire them at your heartbroken and emotionally abused friend like that.  Did you know that this movie is only an hour and twenty-three minutes long? 

Jon: And worth every minute!  “Is it wrong to love somebody so much?”  

Sandy:  Ugh. UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. How come Bearry never got blood on himself until the very end? He used a chainsaw to kill someone but a stabbing is what finally got him dirty?

Jon: He wrapped himself in Saran Wrap?  No no wait- he’s made of stain proof material!  Shouldn’t she just date the waiter?   

Sandy:  The only restaurant in town with the only half decent man in town. This movie is SO BAD, JON. No question, that’s it. Side note to the people responsible for the existence of this film; PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF FUCK DO NOT MAKE A SECOND ONE.

Jon: WE WANT MORE!!!  MAKE IT A TRILOGY AND WE”LL BLOG THEM ALL!!!!!

Lessons

1. No one has room for giant useless teddy bears.  Don’t do that to your friends.

2. Dating SUCKS!!!

 

Happy National Senior Citizens Day!

 August 21st is National Senior Citizens Day.  There are numerous movies that could fit the day but we chose Homebodies.  In Homebodies, a group of elderly people fight their pending eviction from the building they’ve inhabited for decades when a developer purchases the building with the intention of building expensive offices and apartments.  Murderous senior citizens run wild, defending their homes from the developer, construction workers, the developer’s henchwoman and each other.  So celebrate your elders, enjoy our blog and watch Homebodies.

Jon- Are these the best hats in cinematic history?  Every single one is cool.    

Sandy —  Right?! Old people have the best hats because they don’t give a FUCK. The real question though is… should they call a doctor??

Jon- I think generally if you have to ask if you should call a doctor, you definitely should call a doctor.  Why are movie construction workers always “hot”?       

Sandy —  “Hot” like sweaty or “hot” like sexy? And out of idle curiosity, which one was your favorite?

Jon- They’re kind of always both sweaty and sexy but maybe I just have a thing for that.  The one they killed is the epitome of sweaty, sexy cinematic construction worker.  What a waste of beefcake.  When you saw Crawford on the soon to be dead construction worker’s helmet, did you assume it was his name like I did?  

Sandy —  I actually never even noticed that at all. Glazed right over it somehow. A whole day off, WITH A FUNERAL?!?! The fucking nerve of these lazy good for nothing construction workers, right?!?!

Jon- That’s a good strong union to get a whole day off for a funeral.  I think the B movie standard is 2 hours.  How weird is it that some husbands used to call their wives mother?    

Sandy —  It’s weird, but not as weird as if they’d been calling each other “Mommy” or “Daddy” in front of everyone. Maybe we’re just too sick and twisted to see the innocence in it. Would you have explored that noise had you been the woman working for the scumbag kicking everyone out?

Jon- Of course not.  I’ve watched enough horror movies to know that you never investigate unexplained noises alone.  Are the old, soon to be evicted people acting like children?   

Sandy —  Yeah, children of the corn. I think that’s the natural course of aging though. Everything hurts. Everything changes all around you. You can’t wipe your own ass anymore. I’d refuse to leave and throw a fucking fit too probably. Would I go on a killing spree? Maybe. Were you having the same Weekend At Bernie’s flashbacks that I was when they were dumping that chick’s body? Also, who the fuck tries to touch someone in a wheelchair and then follows the people pushing the wheelchair while screaming about how paralyzed the person in the wheelchair is???

Jon- Weekend at Bernie’s definitely borrowed that concept.  The obsession with the woman in the wheelchair was strange.  Maybe the person sensed something was off about the person in the chair and was calling attention to the fact they were transporting a dead body.  Is killing the construction workers the best plan?  It seems Crawford would be the one to off.  

Sandy —  Listen, these people are old and slow. The construction workers are making the noises and building the building and they’re always close by… I feel like it’s the easiest and most convenient choice for them. 

Jon- It sort of reminds me of the independent contractor debate in Clerks.  They’re just doing a job.  They don’t deserve to die and killing them accomplishes nothing.  They’ll just hire more guys and probably pay them less.  Is it ever a good idea to go try to evict people by yourself?   

Sandy —  I feel like that points back to the arrogance and gluttony that comes with money and greed. Just no clue whatsoever that anyone could ever possibly pose a threat to you because you’re too wealthy to be touched by these peasants. EAT THE RICH! EAT THE RICH!!! Or bury them in cement I guess. Would you insult the group of people who had you trapped and hanging upside down by your feet, defenseless???

Jon- At that point, I would be saying the nastiest shit about them.  It’s a hopeless situation.  You know you’re done for so you might as well talk all the shit you can.  Maybe you’ll piss them off enough that they do it quickly.  Is the old person leaning all the way forward while driving one of the scariest drivers?   

Sandy — Oh my god, yes! My grandpa used to do that whenever torrential rain started pouring down during the road trip my cousins and I took with them to Florida as little kids. I remember us huddled together in the back seat, not sure if we’d be making it there at all. It was terrifying. What’s the scariest driving experience you’ve ever had that DIDN’T result in an accident?

Jon- One time as a passenger while my dad, who was a notoriously scared and bad driver, we hit a patch of ice on the Saw Mill River Parkway.  Two complete circles later, we somehow managed to not hit anything and continued on our trip, 15 miles per hour slower than the already slow speed we were traveling at.  Do you think no one will notice all the people moved back into the building?  

Sandy —  Naahhhh, it’s not like anyone’s paying attention to that area anyway..!! So, how about that lady who hadn’t left her apartment in over 20 years, but could somehow run like the fucking wind for a 97 year old?!?!

Jon- Maybe she has a treadmill in her apartment and she ran everyday.  Agoraphobes have to adapt to get exercise.  Is Mattie luring Crawford with a box of prunes?  How old do you have to be for prunes to be an effective lure?    

Sandy —  Haha, those were her SEXY PRUNES!  I think it was more because of HER age that she thought prunes would be an enticing snack to lure him in. Okay, okay, hear me out… we rob a bank and make our getaway on a paddle boat? Eh?? Ehhhh?!?! I want that to be the ONLY way I escape any situation that needs escaping in my life from now on.

Jon- So you can only rob banks near bodies of water and you want to get caught every time which means you’ll probably only ever get to rob one.

Lessons

1. Don’t question the need, just call the doctor.

2. Never investigate the strange noise by yourself.