September 9th is National Teddy Bear Day. It’s a chance to celebrate that cuddly, comforting, childhood toy that you clutched for years as you dozed off. But what happens when that bear becomes sentient, jealous and murderous? Well you get Bearry. After Chloe endures a brutal divorce, her friend Sam makes the absurd decision to give Chloe a ridiculously oversized teddy bear. I mean this thing is huge. After Chloe tells Bearry she loves him, life comes into Bearry’s stuffed cotton body and he starts to murder every guy who has hurt Chloe. Before long, Bearry has moved on to killing her friends and love interests. Can Chloe free herself from this gigantic, plush monstrosity? Maybe. So grab your teddy bear and watch Bearry and you better never get me something as big and useless as that stuffed bear.
Questions
Jon: Which face was better- his O Face or her post sex face?
Sandy: Her post sex face made me sad because of how clearly dissatisfied she was. I can’t believe anyone ever fucked that guy, let alone married him. His face just makes me want to puke. Why the fuck did she marry him?
Jon: I don’t know why anyone would marry that guy. It certainly wasn’t his sexual prowess nor his shitty personality. Can you ever call it “pound town” when it’s with someone you have an emotional attachment with and she wasn’t impressed by your sexual efforts?
Sandy: You can definitely call it “pound town” when it’s someone you’re attached to emotionally, but not giving a shit when your partner isn’t satisfied is gross, and walking out on them when they try to express themselves to you is also gross and IWANTTHISFUCKINGGUYTODIE. Is saying “fire in the hole” when you cum the fastest way to dry up a vagina? Just kidding, trick question. The answer is yes.
Jon: The fastest? Probably not faster than “Here comes the baby sauce” but it’s not going to get you many return engagements. Is he really not a “total dick”? I mean he has a younger, better looking less complainy girl waiting for him.
Sandy: K I L L. H I M. Guess how many times I wished this guy dead within my notes?
Jon: 6.5 because you got tired of writing it and just starting screaming at the TV. How inconsiderate is it to get someone a gigantic, useless, unrequested gift like a fucking 16 foot tall teddy bear? Also, FUN FACT- Felissa Rose does not actually have a dick.
Sandy: I would have been so fucking angry at that lady. In my notes I actually wrote “I’d kill someone if they got me a teddy bear that large”. What she SHOULD have gotten her was an anatomically above average male sex doll. Hey Jon, will you and Alison get me an anatomically above average male sex doll for Christmas?
Jon: You sure that’s something you want me involved in purchasing? You understand that it will look nothing like a man and probably be outright horrifying. I thought you knew me better than that. They found a restaurant that they can smoke in? In the present? And they all squish together on one side of a booth? And what is “white girl drunk”?
Sandy: WHAT THE FUCK?! I said the same thing?! Was it supposed to be a Last Supper reference, or just terrible directing? Another trick question, based on the quality of the rest of the film. Also, WHY WAS THE MAIN CHICK THE ONLY ONE EATING?!?!
Jon: Because she wasn’t paying! Is this a one restaurant town or does she really like the waiter and hasn’t realized it yet?
Sandy: Literally also in my notes “Is there only one restaurant in this universe?” and “‘Let’s go to your favorite restaurant tonight’…. GEE I WONDER WHAT RESTAURANT THAT WILL BE”. Someone’s cousin or parents had to own that place and agree to let them use it to film for free. Did watching them go back to that restaurant over and over again make you want spaghetti? Or was I just stoned and wishing I had spaghetti?
Jon: I kind of always want spaghetti but these dining scenes made me want to never eat again. Did you stand up and cheer when that bald prick’s head rolled across the floor?
Sandy: That dude was so evil he was like a parody of someone who was supposed to be the representation of pure evil. Was it me, or were all of the men in this movie repulsively disgusting? (Minus the waiter at the one restaurant in town.)
Jon: They were all pretty fucking terrible except the cops who were using their screen time to audition for Dumb and Dumber 3. Could she have worse blind dates? Shit gives me flashbacks.
Sandy: I thought she was speed dating at first, but when I realized her “friends” set her up with these dudes, I got kind of irrationally angry. Like… you’d have to put some WORK IN to find such a large amount of extreme idiots and assholes and assault weapon fire them at your heartbroken and emotionally abused friend like that. Did you know that this movie is only an hour and twenty-three minutes long?
Jon: And worth every minute! “Is it wrong to love somebody so much?”
Sandy: Ugh. UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. How come Bearry never got blood on himself until the very end? He used a chainsaw to kill someone but a stabbing is what finally got him dirty?
Jon: He wrapped himself in Saran Wrap? No no wait- he’s made of stain proof material! Shouldn’t she just date the waiter?
Sandy: The only restaurant in town with the only half decent man in town. This movie is SO BAD, JON. No question, that’s it. Side note to the people responsible for the existence of this film; PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF FUCK DO NOT MAKE A SECOND ONE.
Jon: WE WANT MORE!!! MAKE IT A TRILOGY AND WE”LL BLOG THEM ALL!!!!!
Lessons
No one has room for giant useless teddy bears. Don’t do that to your friends.
Dating SUCKS!!!
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