Happy National Hairball Awareness Day!

 April 29 is National Hairball Awareness Day.  If you have 8 cats like I do, you accept hairballs to be a normal part of your daily existence.  An understated, much less acceptable hazard is discovering the hairball at 3 AM on the way to the bathroom, barefoot.  That’s where the awareness comes into play.  You really need to pay attention and do the things to help prevent hairballs like a regular grooming routine.  Cats aren’t the only thing impacted by hairballs.  Who would have worse hairball issues than a werewolf?  Lou Garou is a mediocre police officer at best.  He drinks his way through his shifts and has meaningless sexual adventures at night. (Wait. That doesn’t sound too bad).  One night Lou has a strange experience that alters his life forever.  Lou is attacked by a werewolf and becomes Wolfcop!  From there his life gets really strange.  So brush your cat and then watch Wolfcop.

Questions

Jon: Is an alarm clock the worst sound ever?

Sandy:  I used to have my alarm clock set to what can only be described as “nuclear power plant meltdown” sound, but after years of waking up in full panic mode, I decided “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” was a better choice for my own mental health. Maybe we should ask Dicktoria and her bagpipes what they think. What more could you ask for than Liquor Donuts, Jon? What types of liquor would you want in your donuts? Top 3. GO!

Jon: I can only think of 2 that might work in a donut - rum or beer in the batter.  A vodka filled donut actually sounds vomit-inducing.    Maybe a maple whiskey, but we’d both vomit that up.  Should you go to work if you’re still so fucked up that you puke in the driveway?

Sandy:  Only if your job involves carrying a firearm. TITS!

Jon:  Boobs always raise the rating of a movie by a half point, so a 5 automatically is a 5.5.  Should you always skip the hot dogs?

Sandy:  Probably. If you value your own life, then definitely. But I believe the term you’re looking for is “pork swords”. Is there anything more terrifying than Willie being in charge of a gun store??

Jon: Willie being a surgeon.  Is Tina good at her job or is the competition for employee of the month not very good?

Sandy:  There is zero competition for employee of the month. Was there a single character with any redeeming characteristics in this movie? I legit can’t remember actually liking anyone’s personality.

Jon: I liked Lou and Tina a lot.  Lou was just sort of a hapless dope and Tina was a good cop.  If you open a pill bottle and see it’s empty, do you still turn it over?

Sandy:  This motherfucker does not have his shit together well enough to understand how reality works. What do you think was in that pill bottle before he emptied it? Zoloft? Adderall? Thorazine?

Jon: Dewormer.  If you can only do the 1st task at your job without going to the bar, is it time to get a new job, or are things working perfectly?

Sandy:  Things would be working perfectly if you were a bartender and your first task was getting ready to go to the bar, but as a cop that’s a big fat fucking no. Have you ever been drunk/high during work at any point since your first gainful employment experience? Did you know that I have “work weed”? Are you jealous?

Jon: Absolutely not.  I used to get drunk before working overnights at Caldor on a semi-regular basis and I have to tell you -  Being drunk at work SUCKS!  You still have to work which really minimizes the fun of being drunk.  Would you vote for Terry Wallace?

Sandy:  There is nobody in this movie I would willingly vote for, for anything. Ever. Is it normal for political candidates to go rile people up at the local dive bars during a campaign? 

Jon: You go where the people are and in that town the people are in bars.  Is Lou the hairiest motherfucker alive before he becomes a werewolf?

Sandy:  Haha, I was thinking they specifically picked that actor to save money and time on special effects makeup. Can you find some velvet nudie art for me for my birthday this year? I really want velvet nudie art. I DON’T WANT IT MADE OUT OF YOUR (OR ANYONE ELSE’S) PUBES.

Jon: Wait, are you finally admitting that my pubes are velvety?  It’s too late though.  I already started a velvet pube portrait for you.  Did you know his name is Lou Garou which is a play on loup garou, which is French for werewolf?

Sandy:  I did not know that, but I am impressed. Know what the German word for Werewolf is? It’s Werwolf. 

Bet you didn’t see that coming. 

Jon: Go figure.  What would you do if you woke up with a pentagram carved into your abdomen?

Sandy:  I would be far more concerned and surprised than Lou seemed to be, but I’m not living that life, so maybe it’s not that unusual a thing for him. What could someone carve into your abdomen that might make you giggle when you saw it? Asking for a friend.

Jon: Nothing!  There is nothing remotely funny about waking up with something carved into your abdomen or any other part of your body!  Does super hearing seem like an awful super power?

Sandy:  Yes. I’m already listening to a sound machine on full blast at night to block out the street noises and it is barely working. I’d lose my fugging mind if I could hear it all even more clearly. WANNA HELP ME FIND THE GUY THAT KICKED THAT DOG AND RIP HIS THROAT OUT WITH OUR BARE HANDS?

Jon: Sure, but I suspect Lou will have eaten him before we find him.  

Look! Another eating coroner.  Why?

Sandy:  It’s just a thing I guess. In every movie that ever has a coroner. Ever. Like, have you ever taken a snack back to your desk at work? That’s what that shit is.

Coroner: 

~Sees some crusted old dead toenails~

…. “I want Fritos.” 

 

Jon: But that’s not his desk.  He certainly has an office with a desk in it.  When someone says, “let’s keep this one quiet,” how quickly does it get out?

Sandy:  In general, or for this movie specifically? Immediately for both, in either case. IT’S SO MUCH MORE EXCITING WHEN NO ONE IS SUPPOSED TO KNOW, JON. Are cops allowed to wear buttons for specific political candidates on their work uniforms?

Jon: Probably not but if that’s the part of this movie you had to suspend belief for, you might need to get help.  How bad an idea is a drink and shoot?

Sandy:  It’s incredibly stupid but also seems somehow fitting. How classy is the chief’s attitude towards the candidate murder victim? Is it surprising that Lou is how he is about his behavior at work once you see the chief’s attitude at that murder scene?

Jon: I don’t know.  I wrote it off as some cross between jaded and gallows humor.  That dude has seen a lot of death.  Granted he probably caused much of it.   Have you ever been to a bar with a jar of eggs?  If so, did you eat one?  Would you?

Sandy:  I have been to a bar with a jar of eggs but I haven’t eaten one. And I would not eat one unless it was the apocalypse and that was all that was left. Even then, I might start severing and eating my own toes and chunks of my thighs before I went for one of those jar eggs. Do you like to put your platform stilettos on when you go to take the trash out?

Jon: Not as much as I like to wear them to mow the lawn.  How disappointing is it to get sick right as you’re about to get laid?

Sandy:  UUUGGGHJHHHHHHH. I feel like turning into a werewolf and raging just thinking about it. Is this the messiest werewolf transition you’ve ever witnessed in a movie?

Jon: I think the one in An American Werewolf in London is worse.  It’s gooier and slimier.  Wolf Cock?

Sandy:  Nahhh, I’m good. Was this also your first time witnessing a man transform into a werewolf dick-first?

Jon: I believe it is.  Should we all have a friend like Willie?

Sandy:  Yes and no. He seems rad right up until the end. Almost fooled me. Do you think Werewolf Lou fucked that dog?

Jon: You saw that wolfcock.  There’s no way he could have.  If wolfsbane tastes bad to you, does it mean you’re a werewolf or that it just tastes awful?

Sandy:  I’ve never tasted it, so I feel ill-equipped to answer this question properly. How good do you think that bathroom smells when the cops finally get in there to investigate?

Jon: Very good actually.  Little known fact- wolf piss is used to make incense because of the rich aroma and slow burn qualities. Does Tina deserve employee of the month if she doesn’t stop whatever Willie and Lou are doing?

Sandy:  I mean, she’s only one somewhat arguably reasonable person against two wild fucking morons, so it doesn’t seem fair to take away her streak for not stopping them. Who’s going to tell Lou there’s no yelling in the fucking library?

Jon: Not me.  I don’t want my face ripped off.  Did you expect the transformation scene to be so good?

Sandy:  It was surprisingly well done actually. Definitely the grossest fucking werewolf transformation I’ve ever seen. What the fuck is a “gitch”?

Jon: Gitch is apparently underwear in Manitoba, Alberta and Saskatchewan.  Some regional slang I guess.  If you were infected with werewolf-ism, wouldn’t you expect some sort of chemical to be released so it doesn’t hurt so much?

Sandy:  I mean, it would be courteous, but it does always seem uncomfortable for them. In all fairness, there’s no pain relief chemical released naturally for women giving birth either, and that occurs far more often than werewolfism. So he completely sheds his skin every time he changes? How does his skin come back? Does he shed his hair all over the house like a golden retriever losing their winter coat & a fresh coat of Lou skin is just there underneath again?

Jon: Yeah that’s how it works.  The bigger issue is how much he spends in hairball treatments each month.  “What the fuck are you?  The fuzz!” Top 3 line ever?

Sandy:  Are you asking if that one is in my top three, or what are my top 3? “I’d avoid those pork swords”, “I should do this sober” right before he downs a flask of booze, and “Hey Lou, why don’t you murder another person on your way back to the car?” Are my top 3. That one is good too though. Also “Cheers. Bitch.” Was that dude snorting red pixie stix sugar?

Jon: Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it.  Do you think werewolf piss really burns?

Sandy:  I think Lou doesn’t drink anywhere near as much water as he does liquor, and having your bladder be filled with alcohol can’t be good for peeing. Lots of face ripping and shedding in this movie… name 3 other movies with good face-ripping-off scenes.

Jon: I don’t have a list but anytime it happens I stand up and cheer.  “What the fuck are you sniffing?”

Sandy:  Glue.

Jon: How much do you think it hurts to have your face torn off?

Sandy:  Hmmm… I feel like you might be out of it enough to not remember the pain if you survive, but I’m guessing it’s reasonably uncomfortable. Let’s try an experiment! We’ll have to use your face though, mine was too expensive. Would you punch a werewolf? 

Jon: Only if he wanted me too.  I like my face attached to my head.  Is a werewolf using a gun to kill bad guys kind of cheating? 

Sandy:  It is! Or at the very least, it’s super wasteful. Why the fuck are so many people trying to fight werewolf Lou, despite watching him tear apart person after person??

Jon: At that point you have to try.  It didn’t look like Lou would have spared anyone.  Will no one question the missing door on the car?

Sandy:  Apparently not. Taking the doors off the cruiser is like cutting the sleeves off of a button down shirt. Hella classy. 

Jon: And really bad ass!  Do you think werewolves have Little Red Riding Hood fetishes?

Sandy:  Oh, definitely. How do you make out with a werewolf? Which scene is more gross, the zombie make out in Shed of the Dead, or the werewolf make out in this movie?

Jon: You don’t make out with werewolves.  That’s how your face gets ripped off by accident in a fit of lupine passion.  And the zombies making out was much grosser.  Do sunglasses protect your eyes from an eclipse?  

Sandy:  You don’t need sunglasses to stare directly into an eclipse! Just ask the bloated orange moron. “It was a big fuckin’ Wolf cop.” In your top 3 lines?

Jon: That one.  The fuzz line and the pork swords probably.  Liquor Donuts?

Sandy:  Yes. I’d want a vanilla and rum flavored donut. Actually, I kind of wish I had one now. Maybe I’ll get a donut tomorrow and dip it into my Irish cream liquor and let you know how it tasted when I finish puking.  

Jon: OHHHHH more truck nuts???

Sandy:  Hahahaha, I want nuts for my car. How long do you think it would take for Alison to notice car balls on her car if we snuck them on there? I smell another experiment!

Jon: As long as we didn’t hint at anything, it might be weeks before she noticed.  Are they ambitious?

Sandy:  Who? The Shapeshifters or Tina and Lou?

Jon: Really all of them but specifically the Shapeshifters.  All that power and all they want to do is take over this podunk, western Canadian dump of a town.  Seems like with all that power they’d be able to do more.  Do you think Tina understands?

Sandy:  I don’t. Would you taunt a werewolf?

Jon: Again, I like my face attached to my head.  It ain’t much to look at but it’s the only one I have.  OHHHHH Lizard people?

Sandy:  Must be part of the Illuminati. Did you catch “a hairy menace with a badge and a gun” in the end credits song?

Jon: Sure did.  Can’t wait until we watch the sequel!

 

Lessons

Make a friend like Tina. 

Don’t fuck with werewolves.