Happy National Beer Day!

 

April 7th is National Beer Day!!!  I love beer in all its amber, sudsy goodness.  Sadly beer and my stomach do not get along well anymore so I can’t down a 12 pack or 2 like I used to, so instead we celebrated with a movie: Feast.  Feast was born out of the Project Greenlight, a series designed to aid first time filmmakers produced by A-listers like Matt Damon and Ben Affleck.  When a remote desert bar falls under attack by a family of ferocious creatures, the patrons' only hope for survival is to fight back. With this group of drinkers, hope seems very dim.  Can they survive the night, or will they all be humped and killed by monsters?  Grab some beer, read the blog and watch feast for the answer to those questions and so many more you never knew you’d have.

Questions

JON:  How great is a “My Other Toy has Tits” bumper sticker?

SANDY:  Haha, an instant classic. Maybe not quite as delightfully horrifying as the one my Dad used to have that read “I’m not a gynecologist but I’ll take a look.” Worst/best bumper stickers you’ve ever had or seen in person?

JON:  I’m partial to anything that involves mocking your honor student.  Would you want to be known as the poor man’s Tony Robbins? 

SANDY:  No, but I wouldn’t want to be known as the rich man’s Tony Robbins either. I forgot who they were referring to with that comment, was it Henry Rollins’ character?

JON:  Sure was.  He was supposed to be some kind of self-help, motivational guru guy.  How recently would be too recently to have blown Mick Jagger? 

SANDY:  Any time within the last 30 or 40 years at least, I’d say. How recently would be too recently to have blown Keith Richards?

JON:  From my perspective, ever blowing Keith Richards would be too recent.  Are you down with OPP because Vet is? 

SANDY:  As a general rule overall that’s a big fat no for me. If people want to have open relationships and everyone involved knows what’s up and respects each other’s boundaries and whatnot, fucking go for it. I’m not into telling anyone how they should live their lives, but if you’re going to be in a relationship where one of you believes it’s exclusive and you’re going to do whatever you want anyway, then maybe just don’t be in a relationship at all. Also, I was today years old when I learned what OPP actually stands for. How irresponsible and naive was it for Honey Pie to meet Coach at that bar, knowing he wasn’t from around there, and just trust him to be her “escort” even before his wedding ring plopped out of his wallet?

JON:   I only ask because that’s Treach from Naughty By Nature.  I think the flaw in Honey Pie’s plan wasn’t meeting or trusting Coach, it was doing it in that shit hole of a bar.  That’s the kind of place where you get STDs from the toilets even if you stand.  Is there any chance you’re going to remember all these names? 

SANDY:  I can’t remember all the names when there are only 3 characters in a movie. I do dig the little stat pop ups though. Reminds me of Zombieland and Snatch. REMEMBER WHEN WE WENT TO SEE ZOMBIELAND 6 TIMES IN THE JV MALL MOVIE THEATER?

JON:   Was it only 6?  Seems like it was a lot more.  How much do you want to meet Bossman? 

SANDY:  If by “meet” you mean pour ghost pepper sauce all over his hands and naked crotch and then castrate him with a spoon and force feed his own ghost pepper dick and balls to him with only a glass of Carolina reaper pepper juice nearby for him to drink, then I have to say I’d like to “meet” him pretty badly. (By the way, the ghost pepper sauce is on his hands for when he goes to rub his eyes or comfort the gaping wounds where his genitals once were.) What’s the spiciest hot pepper you’ve ever eaten or tried in a sauce?

JON:   You’ve developed quite an alarming castration fetish.  I couldn’t tell you what kind of peppers they were, but back in my 20s I used to put the hottest hot sauces I could find on everything.  Snootchie Bootchies? 

SANDY:  There were some gems in the cast for this movie. Jason Mewes being one of them for sure, despite having a rather short and limited role. How about Judah Friedlander? Perfect role for him?  

JON:   It’s really the only type of role he should ever play.  Except maybe the Tom Hanks role in a remake of Sleepless in Seattle alongside Kirsten Dunst.  Do you believe Cody will live a wonderful, full life? 

SANDY:  No. Well, I wanted to until the Hero came in and was immediately decapitated despite his life expectancy stat. Guess those stats were just for show. I was still a little tiny bit surprised when Cody went though. Did you fall for the stats initially when you first watched it?

JON:   Not really although some of them are accurate.  A bloody guy with a shotgun walks into a bar… finish the joke. 

SANDY:  A bloody guy with a shotgun walks into a bar and says “barkeep, give me two shots of whiskey and a round on me for everyone, I just finalized my divorce.” Too dark? Let’s hear yours, bitte.

JON:   A bloody guy with a shotgun walks into a bar and immediately gets eaten by a monster.  Are Ginsu knives still a thing? 

SANDY:  I looked it up to be sure, and yes they are. There’s even a set on Amazon for $50. Go get your knife on, Jon. 

JON:   Amazon doesn’t allow me to buy knives anymore.  Something about dead Friday night dinner people.  If that’s the guy who is going to save their asses, how fucked are they on a scale of 1-26? 

SANDY:  Like a 27, assuming 26 is super fucked. Did Mewes’ character give new meaning to the term “face off”?

JON:   *Insert rim shot.  Ugh that’s brutal.  Can Cody successfully stay in the closet? 

SANDY:  If only. That’s the one time I’d definitely have suggested someone not come out of the closet. What a fucking maroon. At least his dumb ass is out of the gene pool now in that fictional world. Kid, schmidd. Survival of the fittest, Jon. No room for dopes.

JON:   He wasn’t really any safer in the closet than out.  That kid was fucked as soon as he appeared.  Besides, having to wear headphones so you don’t have to listen to your mom bang a fat scumbag in the next room messes a kid up.  Not really his fault.  No more OPP?

SANDY:  Guess not. Doesn’t seem like anyone else in there has a significant other to cheat on. Do you think the movie was filled with so many scumbag men because the Weinsteins were involved in producing it and that’s all they know? There were some pretty ironically fishy similarities going on. 

JON:   No I think everyone in the movie was intentionally an over-the-top caricature.  The only super scummy guy was Bossman anyway.   How fucked up of a visual is that creature humping a mounted deer head? 

SANDY:  That was disturbing. Did the second baby creature hump that explodey woman’s mouth before they blew her up, or did I misinterpret that scene?

JON:   It sure did.  Those were some super horny monsters.  How awful would it be to get covered in the green mouth jizz from that thing? 

SANDY:  No thank you. Twice it happened for Judah! That shit looked like avocado aioli. Why wasn’t Cody what came out of that things mouth when it projectile-vomited across the room?

JON:   I think the mouth jizz is more salivary and defensive than intestinal.  Which is worse- green mouth jizz or maggots?

SANDY:  Definitely the green mouth jizz. Because that shit goes all over you, plus the maggots only appeared after the jizz, which would suggest to me that the jizz came first. Pun intended. How would you rate the splatter in this movie, gore and gross-out wise?

JON:   Definitely above average.  Worst hand job ever? 

SANDY:  Refresh my memory on the “hand job” scene?

JON:   The monster that they thought was dead in the freezer punched through and latched onto Bossman’s little boss.  Is this a species standoff? 

SANDY:  I don’t know. What parameters need to be met for it to be a species standoff? Does it have to be an entire species vs another entire species, or does it count for any confrontation between creatures of any two different species? Like is a bear vs a salmon a species standoff?

JON:   If Henry Rollins says it’s a species standoff, it’s a species standoff.  Can you fuck with man? 

SANDY:  Yes definitely for sure. I mean, we absolutely take it to an extreme level whenever possible if we feel threatened, (at least as nations), but we’re still ultimately just meat. Do you have a favorite man vs beast or creature movie? If so, tell us more please!

JON:   It’s among my favorite subgenres.  Alligator, Grizzly, Jaws, Lake Placid, Anaconda, King Kong, Piranha.  I could go on.  Monster Sex!!! 

SANDY:  Do you think the two monsters fucking each other were Ben Affleck and Matt Damon in costume? Because they were producers on this movie too and I’d be very disappointed if that wasn’t them. 

JON:   I will always believe that it was even if there is demonstrable proof it wasn’t.  Do women like when you tell them there’s no need to get menstrual? 

SANDY:  Yes, but not as much as when we’re told to calm down or called “girls”. Hahahaha, HOW MANY POINTS DO I GET FOR THE CALLBACK TO OUR APRIL FOOLS POST??? It’d better be good.

JON:   Not as many as I get for my Friday Night Dinner killing callback but I’ll give you 2.  Is the old lady right about sitting still and not looking like food? 

SANDY:  She seemed to be doing fairly well throughout the entire ordeal, so maybe. I’d definitely have wanted to follow her into that storage closet, though in the end I guess that wasn’t as smart a decision as it initially appeared to be. Do you think she really did know one thing about those things, or was she just old and drunk enough to not give much of a fuck about anything?

JON:   Maybe she just couldn’t get the taste of Mick jizz out of her mouth so she just didn’t give a fuck about living.   How pissed is that dickless monster going to be? 

SANDY:  Well, assuming that dick also contained his urethra, NOT VERY PISSED AT ALL…. GET IT?!?! Because his pee-hole is gone?!?! Aaaaahhhhahahahahaha. Or would he be more pissed because the pee would just leak out of the open hole? Jon, how do men who lose their weiners in an accident or an attack pee out of their newly shaped pee-hole wounds? I want medical specifics, Google that shit pleasandthankyou.

JON:   I’m not a urologist but I would imagine they shit or have a tube inserted in the dick stump.  How many of these motivational speeches do you think Henry Rollins will survive? 

SANDY:  I was having a lot of nervous flashbacks to Samuel L. Jackson’s speech scene in Deep Blue Sea. Long speeches when time is of the essence for survival never usually goes over well in movies. What’s the best speech-death scene you’ve come across out of all the movies you’ve watched?

JON:   Samuel L. Jackson in Deep Blue Sea by a mile.  Mensa Monsters!!!! 

SANDY:  Soooo, are we in agreement that despite having an almost obscene amount of high profile producers for this movie, the monsters wore those animal skulls and covers to save money on prosthetics and special effects makeup for most of the scenes they appeared in that weren’t super close up? Because if they were supposed to be super smart monsters, they wouldn’t be wearing an obviously dead animal if trying to lure victims closer. What’s your take on that?

JON:   It’s camouflage.  You saw what they looked like without the skulls on.  They’re ugly as fuck.  Or maybe they need to wear the skulls to hide their ugliness so they can bump monster parts.   Is his eye getting better? 

SANDY:  Was there a sale at the fucking maggot store when they made this movie? 15 minutes after having an eye ripped out and not only is he asking if his eye is getting better, but IT’S FILLED WITH MAGGOTS. I think the majority of this movie’s $3 million plus budget was spent on maggots and that avocado aioli jizz. Do you believe they actually spent over $3 million on making this movie?? Also, did you know that there are three of these movies? 

JON:   I’m surprised it wasn’t a lot more just on actors.  They aren’t super huge names but I’m thinking they took discounts.  Not only did I know there are 3, I own them all!  If someone gags when they look under your bandage, do you need to ask if it looks better? 

SANDY:  Generally I’d say no, but he seemed a tad out of it. Did you think he was dead when Honey Pie poked him hard in the face with that fork?

JON:   No I was pretty sure he was going to come to a worse end than just silently dying from his previous wounds.   What do you do when your dead bait turns out to be live bait? 

SANDY:  If you’re a total scumfuck you pretend it’s still dead bait and keep on going with your original dead bait plan, apparently. Why didn’t anyone carefully check for a pulse before dumping all of the “bodies” into the basement, and then also again when they selected hers to strap homemade explosives to?

JON:   The monsters were Mensa monster not the bar patrons.  I’m not sure most of them even knew what a pulse is.  You morose motherfuckers? 

SANDY:  That’s a pretty great line, I like it much better than “no need to get menstrual” and “my other toy has tits”. Wait a minute… do all weiners flop around on the ground for a while after you cut them off and toss them aside? I’d like to suggest the introduction of a new blog segment called “let’s experiment”.

JON:   No, that's chickens.  Would you use Henry Rollins as a battering ram? 

SANDY:  I’d pay decent money to have him used as a battering ram against me. In all seriousness though, that might have been the best scene in the movie for me. Besides the monster peen in the door.

JON:   Did they deliver on the promise of the bartender’s death? 

SANDY:  Fuuuuck. I don’t remember how they said he would die. Yes? No? Can you refresh my memory on the bartender's life expectancy stat?

JON:   Something about a brutal death in about 70 minutes.  That Clu Gulager and he’s a goddamn legend.  He’s also the director’s father.  How badass is killing a monster by jamming your arm down its throat? 

SANDY:  After seeing what happened when Beer Guy Friedlander got slathered in green jizz aioli sauce, I’d have been more than a little hesitant to shove my arm down that thing’s throat, but the whole scene was pretty badass. She beat the ever loving shit out of that things head and knocked all of its fucking teeth out before choking it to death from the inside. She’d be first pick for my kickball team. If you had to assemble a team of 4 potentially useful humans from the lot in this movie, who would you pick and why?

JON:  Vet, Bartender, Tuffy and Heroine.  Vet was definitely a badass who never had a chance to prove it.  The others were bonafide badasses.