April Fool's Day

 We’re back and that’s no April Fool’s Day prank.  To celebrate this day for pranking your friends and loved ones, we didn’t prop a bucket full of water on the door (yet), haven’t created an intricate internet hoax (that we’re admitting to) or tricked anyone into sending us money (although we’d gladly accept).  Instead, we watched the 1986 classic April Fool’s Day.  In April Fool’s Day, a group of friends gather to party on an island in the middle of a beautiful lake but before long they are killed off.  Who is killing them and why?  Well put down the rubber chicken, read the blog and watch April Fool’s Day.

Questions

JON:  O'Reilly O’Toole O’Shea-  Do you think she’s Irish?

SANDY:  I think she was a generic pasty white white-o who was pretending to be Irish because it’s just soooooo funny for some reason? Or maybe she really was Irish and I’m the turd. Do you have any Irish in you?

JON:  That’s her name so I’m thinking she’s supposed to be very Irish.  I do not currently have any Irish in me.  Is there anything classier than sticking your tongue out through v fingers? 

SANDY:  Maybe grabbing women by the pussy? Or licking someone’s head? How many times throughout our friendship have you licked my head?

JON:   Is this equating me messing around to a sexual assault comments from a former president?  I never kept count.  How scarred would you be if someone gave you a Jack In the Box with a rat in it? 

SANDY:  Is that what that was?? I thought it was like a little Ghoulie type of creature puppet. Either way, that’s a really fucked up thing to do to a kid on her birthday. Or ever, actually. When they first brought it out in the flashback, I thought it was a little weird that they’d give what looked to be a 9-year old a fucking Jack-in-the-Box and then I was like “ohhhhhh, they were just coming together as a family to mentally damage this tiny bitch for life.” Did anyone in your family ever play a trick like that on you when you were a kid? If so, tell us more pleeeeease.

JON:   Not that I recall.  My extremely suspicious nature makes it fairly difficult to prank me.   Is Chaz Christian Slater’s brother, Jewish Slater?  He aged into Kenny Rogers’ brother Benny. 

SANDY:  Chaz is the one with the camera, ja? I didn’t immediately see the Christian Slater connection and I’m literally just now as I’m typing this getting the Jewish Slater joke. Ha! You fuck. I see their similarities better now too. Do you have a celebrity doppelgänger?

JON:   Alison claims I look like a cross between David Boreanez and Josh Brolin but I don’t see it.  Is there any way these people are going to get along on an island? 

SANDY:  I don’t see why not, as long as it’s not for an extended amount of time. How long would it take for you to start systematically murdering each of us if the whole Friday night dinner crew were trapped on an island together? Who would you kill first?

JON:   I already started but I’m not telling you who was first.  Does Rob look like Kevin Bacon’s brother Canadian? 

SANDY:  He looks like Kevin Bacon and this actor whose name I can’t remember and whose acting credits I also can’t remember because weed, had a baby. 

JON:   The correct answer is absolutely.  That guy looked like a beefier version of Kevin Bacon in Friday the 13th.  How desperate does Hal come across? 

SANDY:  Who the fuck is Hal? Seriously though, who the fuck is he?

JON:   Hal is the YUPPIE/ Young Republican guy.  Do any of these guys know how to hit on a woman? 

SANDY: These dudes are about 2 mental centimeters away from actually being toddlers. So, no, they are remarkably terrible at it. Still having some success though. These chicks must be desperate. What did you do when you first started flirting with Alison? How was your “game”?

JON:   My game is impeccable.  I can go from disinterested to go the fuck away in three words.  Is that why you don’t play around with switchblades? 

SANDY:  I don’t play with switchblades because I’m quite likely to accidentally stab myself in the spleen at least. In all seriousness though, who the fuck throws an open blade directly at another person like that anyway? What’s the dumbest/most physically dangerous  thing you’ve done while horsing around when you were younger?

JON:   Why just when I was younger?  I still do dumb danegerous shit but some off the highlights were elevator surfing and the Caldor Olympics which included holding onto a forklift while it was raised and riding cardboard bales.  Do you think that only suffering an eye injury when a boat hits you in the head is lucky? 

SANDY:  I’d say so. Though I’m not exactly sure how the eye would get pulled or scraped out of the socket by getting squished with a boat in the water? Maybe the squishing itself is what could get your eye to pop out? How do you think he was supposed to have acquired that specific injury? Like, what do you theorize could have happened in a boat squishing accident that might have caused his eye to come out that way? Aaaaannnd, how did he get the special effects makeup on so quickly while also being in the water?

JON:   I imagine his eye popping out from the pressure like a grape.  He was clearly a makeup expert to apply it so quickly, underwater.  Where does the cop think they’ll go on an island after he takes their boat? 

SANDY:  Maybe he thought they’d hail a water taxi and head for Canada. Are there water taxis?

JON:   It didn’t appear to be a thing on that lake.  Did you think that hot dog was going to be a dick? 

SANDY:  My fingers were crossed, but alas, disappointed again. I’m always hoping there will be a surprise dick somewhere in the movies we watch. It’s a rare occurrence though. I don’t think we saw any tits in this movie either… did I miss movie tits or was this one just breast-less?

JON:   Breast-less.  It’s part of how it became a cult classic.  It required very few cuts so it was perfect for basic cable.  Could the wardrobes be any more 1980s? 

SANDY:  It was shot right in the middle of the decade, so they were primo 80’s. JON… DO YOU HAVE ANY PICTURES OF YOURSELF IN SOME ULTIMATE 80’s GEAR TO SHOW US???

JON:   No they were all burned.  There are a few 90s pictures floating around but those aren’t relevant.   Does this party seem even remotely fun? 

SANDY:  Wellllll, it’s no D&D night, but even just hanging out with people has the potential to be a good time. This party in particular though seems rather drippy. Have you ever been to a non-family function that was as unpleasant as this gathering?

JON:   Nope because I refuse to let it be that dull or I leave.  Would you want to be friends with any of them? 

SANDY:  Probably the ferryman. How about you?

JON:   None of them.  They’re all assholes.  Is the big house on the lake boring too? 

SANDY:  I like the house! 

JON:   The house is ostentatious and kind of ugly and dated even for the 80s.  Muffers?  Isn’t Muffy bad enough? 

SANDY:  Hahaha, if I knew someone named Muffy I’d be coming up with all sorts of ridiculous nicknames for them. Like MuffMuff, or Muffwad, or Muffin McMuffhole. Please share 3 or more of your favorite nicknames for our new best friend Muffy.

JON:   Muncher, Diver and Muffler.  You should look the last one up.  What is your favorite April Fool’s Day prank you ever pulled or had pulled on you? 

SANDY:  My Dad helped me pull a prank on my entire class in elementary school, and my teacher and the principal were all in on it. I told everyone that I knew Arnold Schwartzenegger and then we had the principal call into the classroom to announce that he was on the phone for me and that I needed to come down to the office to speak with him. What’s yours??!!

JON:   I’m not a huge prankster.  Mischief is way more my speed but I did used to get new guys at Caldor to write a poem on what the job meant to them.  Are tighty whities the worst look for a guy? 

SANDY:  No, boxers that are full of holes and so thin you can see thru them is a wayyyyyy worse look. I like tighty whities because they lower a man’s sperm count and I don’t want babies. What’s the longest amount of time you’ve ever owned a pair of underwear for and what condition were they in by the time you got rid of them?

JON:   Tighty whities are always the worst especially since you can see the skids so clearly.  I would estimate I had some underwear for 10 or more years.  They were in decent shape/  I would have kept them if they had still fit.  Is Hal so creepy that he makes you cover up even when you aren’t exposed? 

SANDY:   Why can’t I recall who this dude even is? Which one was he? Was he the uptight dude that wanted a job with Muffy’s grandpa or Dad or whoever it was? If so, then he’s the type of guy I’d cross the street to avoid being near in real life. What’s the creepiest real life encounter you’ve ever had with someone?

JON:   I’ve been followed home by an obsessed woman.  That was pretty creepy.  I’ve been followed by a guy trying to sell me pot, coke, heroin, guns or anything I need.  Then there was the guy that desperately needed me to tell him if Rite Aid sold porno mags.  There are many more.  I am a magnet for this shit.   Does Muffy seem to be somewhat unstable? 

SANDY:  Muffy seems like she’s got a few screws loose for sure. Even at the very very end after the big reveal. The first time you saw this movie, did you think you had figured it all out when you first started thinking there was another Muffy?

JON:   Probably not.  I first saw it around when it came out and I was probably plastered.  How awful would it be to get stuck in a trap, upside down with a snake trying to bite you? 

SANDY:  That would be fucking terrifying. That was not a friendly snake either. DID I TELL YOU ABOUT HOW I ALMOST GOT BITTEN BY A TIMBER RATTLESNAKE WHILE WALKING ON THE ABANDONED RAILROAD TRACKS WITH MAX A FEW YEARS AGO??? Because that shit really happened. That’s the day I found out we do in fact have poisonous snakes in New York. What’s the worst booby trap scenario you can think of?

JON:   Underwire bras.  Is “I really want to plow your field” a good pick up line? 

SANDY:  At least it’s pretty honest and direct. Good? No. Classy? No. An HR nightmare? Yes. What’s your best pickup line?

JON:   Your father must have been a thief because he stole the stars and put them in your eyes.  That dress looks great on you but it would look better on the floor next to my bed.  I’m skilled at pickup lines.  So no more water for the weekend? 

SANDY:  Not drinkable water apparently. 

JON:   They were drinking it before they found the bodies.  It’s no less drinkable after they found the bodies.  You just have to overcome your preconceived notions of corpse water.  Did Muffy invite them to the island to kill them? 

SANDY:  She invited them there to humiliate them at the very least. Her “identical twin sister” on the other hand, sheeeee wanted to kill everyone. If you could create an identical twin of yourself, what would his name be and would he be criminally insane?

JON:   Why would I need him to be criminally insane?  The original already is.  His name would be Jon and he would be very good at my job and not require any money so I could send him to work and he wouldn’t think he deserved the pay.   Would you swim all the way back to the mainland?  Would it have taken you this long to get to that point? 

SANDY:  I’d have dove off that fucking ferry and never looked back as soon as that dude popped out of the water with his eyeball globbed all over his face. At what point would you have found your own way out of there? Or would you have made some popcorn and stuck around to see how things played out?

JON:   I never would have gone.  Those guys are assholes but if I had I would have blown before anyone died.  I’m a good swimmer.  Do girls like it when you tell them to “lighten up a little”? 

SANDY:  Yeah, you should definitely do that a lot. Especially if she’s holding a weapon or has heavy launchable objects nearby. We also love it when you call us “girls”. You fucking twat. What’s one phrase someone could say to you that might immediately send you into a violent rage, depending on the circumstances?

JON:   They’re significantly younger than me so they’re girls.  It’s an age thing not a gender thing.  If someone said I looked like I was ready to be in G.I. Jane 2 I would rage.  Could you possibly die worse than Chaz? 

SANDY:  I don’t think getting your peen cut off alone would kill you, was he also suffocated or am I forgetting some key component to the method of death for Chaz? Also, I’ve fantasized about cutting off some peens in my day and since I don’t have a peen it doesn’t seem like the worst way to die. I feel like being tied down and having my teeth pulled out one by one and my fingernails and toenails pulled out one by one and my eyes plucked out with a dull wooden spoon and having my skin peeled off and my tongue cut out and so on and so forth until my body just gave up and I died would be worse than how Chaz died. What’s the most horrific fictional way to die, in your opinion?

JON:   You should probably talk to someone about that fantasy.  It seems deeply rooted in some nasty shit.  Cutting my dick off and letting a snake bite my balls would be the worst.  Should Rob try harder to break that door down? 

SANDY:  If breaking a door down doesn’t work in a life or death scenario, you should always try harder! Seriously though, yes he needs at least a smidge more effort. Would you have realized some trickery was afoot when goobed out eyeball dude appeared in the pantry with you, or would you have continued screaming wildly for 10 more minutes like Rob did?

JON:  I don’t know about 10 minutes but I would imagine that if a guy I thought was clinging to life in a hospital suddenly appeared in the closet I was stuck in, I would be a little freaked out.   AHHHHHH April Fool’s? 

SANDY:  That would be the LAST time I ever saw any of those fucking people on purpose. Would you light the fucking house on fire as you left after all of that, or should I maybe get anger management counseling?

JON:   Probably anger management.  Are they all assholes? 

SANDY:  They didn’t seem to know about it being a joke until their own “deaths”, but going along with it after all of that definitely makes them all assholes. Except the last two who had no idea what was going on until the very end. Would you stay friends with those people after all of that?

JON:   Maybe.  That prank was the most interesting thing they’ve ever done so they could finally be fun to hang with.  Could Muffy have just told everyone what was going on? 

SANDY:  Oh my god, fucking YES. I still don’t understand why the fuck she didn’t. (I know, it was in the script.) Someone could have ACTUALLY killed another person out of the panic of self defense though. Like, I’m pretty sure I would have smashed someone’s head against a wall or the floor or something if I couldn’t find a weapon and they were coming after me or popped out from behind a door. Do you think the person who invented escape rooms initially tested them by inviting friends for dinner and then locking them up without telling them anything about how to let themselves out, and that those people just thought they were being kidnapped or held hostage by someone they thought was their friend?

JON:   Probably not.  That screams of lawsuit.  Did they all have fun? 

SANDY: Fuck no. Muffy’s a twat. JON, CAN WE GO DO A MURDER MYSTERY DINNER WITH EVERYONE AT SOME POINT???!!!!

JON: No need.  You can try to solve the mystery of which Friday night dinner friends I’ve already killed and who is next.