Happy National Gardening Day!

 April 14th is National Gardening Day.  Here in the Northeast, it’s still a little early to plant anything outside but it’s a good time to clear out and prepare your garden.  Or it’s a great time for a movie celebrating gardening.  Well maybe not celebrating gardening but Shed of the Dead definitely has gardening in it.  Trevor is kind of a lump.  He doesn’t take care of his allotment.  His wife is dissatisfied with his efforts as a husband.  He doesn’t earn much money.  Trevor spends most of his day in his shed making miniatures and obsessing over Dungeons and Dragons (which is cool) but he needs a job.  Then the dead start to rise.  Can Trevor rise to the occasion and survive the zombie apocalypse?  Watch Shed of the Dead and read the blog to find out.

Questions

Jon: Who is the most famous person to have blocked you on social media?  Mine is in this movie.

Sandy: I’ve not lived as exciting a life as you, apparently. As far as I know, no one famous has blocked me? WHO BLOCKED YOU AND WHY, PLEASEANDTHANKYOU?

Jon: There are a few who I am trying to get blocked by but to my knowledge the only famous person to have blocked me is Bill Moseley who plays Doc.  I can’t tell you why he blocked me because I have zero clue.  I never tweeted at him or anything.  I happened to check his Twitter one day and it says I’m blocked.  If Kane Hodder wants to have a word, is there any way to avoid it?

Sandy: Maybe if you were a really fast runner or a disappearing illusionist? All I remember about Kane Hodder is how he chokes everyone in fan photos at Chiller. Have you ever been choked by Kane Hodder???

Jon:

I sure have been.  I didn’t know this was a thing he did when it happened so the look on my face is genuine surprise.  Like “Holy shit Kane Hodder is choking the shit out of me.  Did I say something bad?”  Is his plot a disgrace?

Sandy: I mean, it’s not great. It would have been pretty easy for him to at least plant privacy hedges or a little wildflower field. Or he probably could have rented out the property around his shed to someone who wanted more garden space. I think his whole vibe in general was one of disgrace though. He seemed….. unwell? How about the dynamic of that marriage? Not quite as special as the union of The Captain and Dappledoop or however it’s spelled. 

Jon: It seems like a normal dysfunctional marriage.  Nothing could compare to The Captain and Dabby though they will never be in any form of union.  The Captain isn’t the settling down type.  Trevor doesn’t help his situation by living in a purely escapist world while Bobbi is kind of a bitch.  The more you do it the more you want it?

Sandy: Yeah, this one is true I think. Unless it’s a terrible experience every time for some reason. Though maybe at least for a while that would make me want it even more, in hopes of finding a time where it was better. Were they both prostitutes, or was it a hair salon that the one chick just fucked people in?

Jon:  No Harriet was just using the hair salon as her personal brothel.  How funny is Michael Berryman in that wig?

Sandy: Hahaha, holy crap. That thing was crazy. I feel like his head shape is not made for how wigs are structured. Does she have to blow him to find out if he’s “clean as a whistle”?

Jon: I think that is universally accepted as the most effective way to determine the cleanliness of a whistle.  Is burying a body in your allotment the true definition of “Live and let live.”?

Sandy: I feel like it’s more of the total opposite of that. Not ratting the burier out is maybe a live and let live attitude, though the morality of that would be extremely questionable. If you were burying a body in your garden, wouldn’t you dig a little deeper than that?

Jon: You couldn’t go much deeper in my garden but in general yes but maybe burying a body in your own garden, at any depth, is a bad idea.  Are online gamers heathens?

Sandy: Probably. “A whole army of skeletons at her service, yet it is I who get to bone her.” Best line in the movie?

Jon: No doubt although I do also enjoy “I don’t want to be the living dead.  I want to be the dead dead.”  How awful of a human do you have to be to intentionally blow smoke in an asthmatic’s face?

Sandy: Pretty fucking awful, especially if it’s your spouse. Did you know D & D would be making an appearance in this movie?

Jon: I had forgotten how D&D heavy this movie is.  Is that the worst way to die?  Derrick?  In a leather horse outfit and a butt plug in?

Sandy: I’m not sure if these questions all go together but I’m answering as if they do. I don’t think dying during sexual activity is the worst way to go overall, being ridden like a horse and having EMS come to retrieve your body in your horsey outfit might be posthumously embarrassing, but you’re dead so who cares! No more worries after that, really. Derrick in a leather horse outfit and butt plug makes more sense to me than it probably should? If Alison wanted to ride you around the house like a horse, what color saddle would you use?

Jon:  The saddle would be nope colored.  Pony play is definitely not something I’m into especially with my back as fucked up as it is.  How funny is Trevor ranting at Mr. Parsons and accidentally contributing to his death?

Sandy: I did quite enjoy Trevor’s freak out at Mr. Parsons and his accidental death was reasonably hilarious. Was the plot Mr. Parsons died on actually his plot? Because if so that shit is totally his own fault. Should have put his tools away. If you witnessed an accidental death WOULD YOU HIDE THE FUCKING BODY ON YOUR PROPERTY AND MAKE A PLAN TO DISMEMBER AND BURY IT ON YOUR PROPERTY INSTEAD OF CALLING THE POLICE IMMEDIATELY?

Jon: And to think he was lecturing Trevor about the state of his allotment but Mr. Parsons was ignoring a simple rule of garden tools- don’t leave them lying on the ground with the pointy end up.  Is a wax strip with someone else’s hair on it being stuck to your face cause for suicide?

Sandy: It was pubes, Jon, not just regular old hair. I don’t personally believe it’s cause for suicide, but maybe Trevor had chaetophobia? REMEMBER THE BAG OF PUBES YOU GAVE ME FOR MY BIRTHDAY SO I COULD MAKE MY OWN HUMAN HAIR MERKIN? I know I’ve mentioned it in this blog before, but it’s worth mentioning again. 

Jon: It was glorious and a 10/10 great gift.  So great that I’m growing another one for your birthday this time with 30% more gray hair.  Couldn’t Trevor have just called the police about Mr. Parsons?  

Sandy: Yes! Fuck! Whyyyyyyyy didn’t he do that?? What’s your professional analysis of Trevor? Is he on the spectrum or does he have a personality disorder?

Jon: He’s probably somewhere on the spectrum but mostly he’s a wimpy bloke who is so afraid and displeased with the world that he retreats into constant hero fantasies.  A job, a divorce and some new friends would probably do him some good.  Does Casimir the Cremator have a ring to it?

Sandy: I do love alliteration. Will you be keeping The Captain’s name as is forever, or will he gain some add-ons with campaign experience? Also, how did you decide to pick The Captain as your name?

Jon: The Captain has been my go to name for adventure game characters for awhile.  Eventually his full title will be too long for me to say in his voice so he’s going to need someone to introduce him.  Like a bard.  Does shouting at a helicopter work?

Sandy: I’ve yet to try it, but I’m leaning towards no. I flew in a helicopter once many moons ago! It was fun and terrifying. What’s the most uncommon mode of transportation you’ve ever used?

Jon: Does pallet jack count?  We used to ride around Caldor like they were skateboards.  I rode a conveyor belt too.  Does England have more than 1 emergency services number? Otherwise 999 wouldn’t just be the best but the only.

Sandy: Yes, actually. They have 999 or 112, both of which connect to the same service. I didn’t already know that before googling it, but I hope if we ever do trivia at a bar again it comes up as a question. Would a rickety-ass shed already filled with one rotting corpse be your go-to safe hideout spot?

Jon:  Go figure.  I guess there’s some competition between 999 and 112.  The shed is clearly Trevor’s safe space so, even though it wouldn’t be my choice, Is it weird to jack off while smelling the wax strip?

Sandy: Normally I would say yes, but I think for that particular dude it’s exactly on point. Best zombie wrestling scene ever? Are there any other zombie wrestling scenes in movies to compare it to?

Jon: There’s a cool zombie fight club type scene in Land of the Dead and I’m sure there are others that I just can’t remember right now.  Does sword always mean penis

Sandy: I’m a woman and therefore have a functional brain that doesn’t solely involve comparing dicks to other objects or vice versa, so that’s a no for me. Unless I’m witnessing a conversation between men, then I assume it’s always a weiner reference. Haha, just kidding, EVERYTHING IS DICKS. Do ladyparts taste like calamari?

Jon: I don’t know.  I don’t eat calamari.  The texture is gross and it feels weird in my mouth.  Is heading to the coast a bad idea?

Sandy: That’s all I ever want to do, HOWEVER, if you don’t absolutely have a fully stocked ship to sail away on you’ll be putting yourself up against a wall so to speak. If you’re not going to Luca it and turn into a hybrid sea monster, you’ve effectively fucked yourself if you get swarmed. Would you ever even consider facing the undead in only a towel?

Jon: Hell no!  I don’t even like leaving the bathroom in only a towel.  Do they need to save their women?

Sandy: If you’re dumb enough to investigate a noise outside at night alone during a zombie apocalypse with no weapon at the ready, no one should save you. They should let evolution take its course so she can’t make more of her dumb ass. Is Harriet going to be fine? What the fuck came out of her mouth?

Jon: Harriet is not going to be okay.  I think that was her larynx and you could probably survive vomiting out your bloody larynx, I would imagine more organs are going to come out.  How awesome is beating someone to re-death with their own arm?

Sandy: It’s up there with using a lawnmower like an open face zombie blender. Not quite as impressive, but close. Nobody seems all that concerned about Harriet turning? Also, HOW ABOUT THAT FUCKING EYEBALL SCENE???

Jon: I think their level of concern was way too low.  She got bit if you can’t kill her you have to get rid of her.  That’s a great eyeball scene.  Is the zombie apocalypse like Christmas?

Sandy: Maybe to a cannibalistic serial killer. Do you have two of the same shirt?

Jon: I used to have 2 of the same Iron Maiden shirt.  I bought one and someone gave me one but it was a cool shirt so I kept them both.  How awful is Bobbi?

Sandy: She definitely seems like a completely miserable twat. And a fucking idiot. Who stands outside an open doorway with a fucking zombie herd approaching from all around???

Jon: No one with an IQ over 6.  Is this jacking off in the shower time?

Sandy: Maybe that load was slowing him down. Will D&D save the day??!!!

Jon: Probably not especially if it was our group responsible for saving it.  We’d probably just speed up the end.  Is it necrophilia if you’re both about to be zombies?

Sandy: If one of you dies before the other and you keep going, then yes. How about that tongue action?

Jon: It’s the kind of passion everyone should look for in a first kiss.  Does Bobbi have child bearing hips?

Sandy: For sure. My grandma told one of her aides that she should have kids because she “had the hips for it”. When her aide told me, I believe my response was “OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.” Ain’t no ice cream in your fuckin’ future?

Jon: A future without ice cream is a future not worth seeing.  It’s almost as bad as having a used wax strip stuck to your face.  If your wife agrees that you should set her on fire so you can escape, do you have to survive?

Sandy: Yes, if your wife is Bobbi. I might have done that shit long before we got to the shed. What’s your zombie apocalypse plan?

Jon: I could never reveal that publicly.  It’s such a great plan everyone will steal it and ruin it.  The key to a good survival plan is isolation and fewer people.

Lessons

Don’t leave the garden tools face up.  

Don’t leave your phone on the battlefield.  

Fantasy RPG worlds are great but sometimes you need to leave them and participate in the real world as loathsome as the thought may be.