April 21st is National Kindergarten Day. I don’t know why Kindergarten Day is in April as the school year is winding down. I also don’t know the excitement a parent could feel when their child isn’t in the house all day. I do know that if your child’s day goes anything like the kids’ in Cooties, you’re going to need tissues, bandaids and a whole lot of money for therapy. When a horribly defective chicken nugget supply makes it into the school lunch program, every pre-pubescent child is transformed into man-eating zombies. Can the teachers and the few uninfected children survive a school day? Probably not but watch Cooties and read the blog to find out.
Questions
Jon:How many times did you have cooties as a child? Don’t lie. All girls had them at least once.
Sandy: Not me, I had my Cooties shot early on. He’s just going to kill that chicken in front of all of its friends and family and then carry its corpse through their chicken house like a fucking dick serial killer?
Jon: I said don’t lie. I know you had cooties at least twice. As for killing chickens in front of other chickens, you have to. It keeps the other chickens in line. Why isn’t there a cure for cooties?
Sandy: It’s a virus, Jon. You have to get the vaccine to help your body fight it off. Duh. One of the most disgusting opening sequences of all the movies we’ve watched so far??
Jon: No worse than anything that happened in Brain Damage. How bad were your schools’ lunches?
Sandy: Probably not great, but never lobster guts shit green goo bad. How fucking adorable is Elijah Wood with his planet sized eyeballs and his adorable goddamn horror loving childlike wonder face? I want to pinch his cheeks and give him a severed finger lollipop.
Jon: I only see hairy-footed hobbit. I think it’s the only thing I will ever see when I see Elijah Wood. Full day or half day kindergarten?
Sandy: Full day for me. I was one of the “strong men” for the student circus we did. Possibly also a Lion? Do you remember any fun little shows your class put on in kindergarten and what your part was in said show???
Jon: I don’t remember for certain but knowing my advanced level of social awkwardness and painful shyness I was probably nose-picking 3rd tree from the left. Is a chicken nugget spoiled when green shit oozes out of it?
Sandy: I puked in my own mouth just thinking about it now. The only time a goo that color and consistency is acceptable inside of food is, as I mentioned earlier, deep inside the guts of a lobster. Even then it grosses me out, and it’s natural. What’s the most disgusting food you ever ate in school? One time or multiple times if it was a repeat lunch menu item?
Jon: Again I don’t remember specifically but I have a bonus school lunch lesson. Don’t eat any “ethnic” food school lunches. That’s a diarrhea factory waiting to be ingested. Also, taco Tuesday isn’t a bad day to go home early. Your nose will thank you. Should you have family members review your manuscript?
Sandy: No way. They have all sorts of preconceived ideas about who you are and saw your naked poopy ass as a baby. Also though, probably don’t try to have your students review your manuscript either. How cute was his mom trying to be supportive though? And then devolving into shredding it to bits, and then trying to be supportive again? Does Alison do that to you or does she just tell you when you do something that she thinks sucks?
Jon: Alison doesn’t really say much. She just sort of shakes her head, sighs and fixes it. Ever have to go to summer school?
Sandy: Nope. I did get put into pre-first though. That’s in between kindergarten and first grade. They had a year with 5 year old me and were like “this bitch is crazy, she needs another year to cook in social settings before we move her on to the more important stuff. Did you ever have to go to summer school? If so, tell us a story about it!!
Jon: Almost. Senior year I was in jeopardy of having to go to summer school because of gym. They were on a deficient learning time kick meaning if you weren’t in class and participating you didn’t get credit and if it reached like 10 days in a quarter you failed unless you came to school early and walked the track to make it up. Between skipping school and not changing, I racked up way more than 10 and for a good chunk of June of my senior year I was walking the track at 7AM. Is a guy with a rooster and/or nuts on the back of his truck an asshole?
Sandy: Hahaha, yes for sure if it’s not ironic and maybe also if it is, but I’d still find it wildly entertaining to observe him for a bit, like a National Geographic documentary. The boat was evil, but was it an acceptable level of evil? I feel like a lot of my “questions” are actually going to just be lines from the movie because this shit was pure GOLD with quotable lines.
Jon: There were a lot of good lines. What if it were a woman?
Sandy: If it’s a woman she’s either ironically hilarious or even more terrifying potentially than the man. What if it’s a kid on their tricycle?
Jon: One of my favorites- push him off the tricycle and steal it. Do you think anyone respects this assistant principal?
Sandy: While the principal is away, he is the ACTING PRINCIPAL Jon, let’s be accurate about this. And no. If my butthole had a butthole, that’s what you would look like. What’s your favorite line from this movie? That’s not my number one favorite, but it’s pretty excellent.
Jon: “Naptime motherfuckers.” Is he really talking about his tennis partner’s balls?
Sandy: That dude ALWAYS plays someone who is vaguely gay. Like, he definitely seems like a gay man every time but then is either trying to hide it or is awkwardly dating a woman. Don’t ask me to explain further. It’s impossible to do without sounding even more like an asshole. How about Doug though? So delightfully awkward. And I want that organ vest that he’s wearing. Maybe I’ll make one for Halloween this year!!!!!!!
Jon: Doug is way creepier than the zombie kids. Does Wade look like the kind of guy who has a nut hanging out of the bottom of his shorts?
Sandy: Hahaha, YES. Can you say “dual rear wheel” three times fast? It’s legitimately difficult.
Jon: Shit I have a hard time saying it once slowly. How quickly would you have dropped out of elementary school if these had been your teachers?
Sandy: I don’t think the choice would have been left up to me, but I would have suggested it to my parents as soon as I learned how to read and make observations about my surroundings. Clint had supposedly already been teaching back in NY, but somehow wasn’t hyper aware of how writing his name out in all caps on the board might look like “CUNT”???
Jon: It’s not just the caps but also his lack of proper letter spacing. CLINT! What kind of douche names their kid Patriot?
Sandy: I’ll give you three guesses who they would have voted for in 2020. I’ve never wanted to murder a child more than that useless prick. When he got attacked, did you scream “HAHAHAHAHA FUCK YOU PATRIOT” like I did while sitting in my living room alone watching this?
Jon: I did but I also did it every time someone got killed. Is Wade the worst teacher ever?
Sandy: He didn’t fuck any of the kids, so probably not the WORST one, but certainly not in the top 100 best either. Would you see kids tearing the literal guts out of a fellow teacher and try to brush them away or would you scream for help and get a fucking bat to smash their gross little heads in?
Jon: Depends on which teacher and which student. I might help the zombie kid. Do you think there is symbolism in the assistant principal being torn apart in the center of a map of the US?
Sandy: Huh, I didn’t even notice that, but I’m sure there’s something bigger there. I was too busy laughing hysterically about him saying he had bursitis as if that would stop the tiny zombie horde. What did it mean to you? Let’s get political, Jon!
Jon: I think it represents the conflicted voting tendencies of middle America. So drawn to social issues that really have no impact on them while voting against politicians who have their best interests in mind. Or it was just a cool visual. Doesn’t it seem like they can eat the teachers?
Sandy: Seems like they’re muthafukkin doin’ it to me! I’m on this medication… I might be seeing some of your students possibly eating Mr Peterson…. How fucking great was that mushrooms dude?
Jon: That dude is always one of the best parts of everything he’s in. Especially Lost. If this is what cooties actually did, would we have a cure yet?
Sandy: Yeah, it’s called birth control. You get a vasectomy and YOU get a vasectomy and YOUUUU get a vasectomy! How about Doug and his casual “oh look, carnage” as everyone was just chillin in the teacher’s lounge?
Jon: Or you get your tubes tied! And you get your tubes tied! Doug has seen some shit. Is the hobbit joke a nice touch?
Sandy: I did enjoy it, but was it too easy? I still liked it. How fucking great was Wade body checking and clotheslining kids as he made a run for the school?!
Jon: That’s what I do at lunch time and dismissal. Is going for their cell phones really a bad idea?
Sandy: Was that before or after the rooftop scene? Because the worst idea was NOT CLOSING THE FUCKING DOORS when they ran back into the school. I hate that shit in movies, drives me fucking crazy. The cop?! Hahahaha, this movie is filled with so many great scenes and a pretty impressively star studded cast, in my opinion. Who was your favorite character, if you had one?
Jon: I was partial to the slimeball that was Wade. How oblivious is that mom?
Sandy: Probably as oblivious as most real life moms like that. Have I mentioned how extraordinarily happy I am to not have kids? Like actual pure delight?
Jon: No but I know the feeling. Is this the best time for Wade to be jealous?
Sandy: It’s not unfounded, but he should definitely curb that shit and address it later when everyone is safe and can relax. “You know how I beat the terrorists after 911? With a positive attitude.” Fucking GOLD.
Jon: How uncomfortable is the creepy teacher asking about your period?
Sandy: It would be way worse if he hadn’t been gay, but it’s still reasonably mortifying. Would you have joined Wade’s symphony of death?
Jon: I would follow Wade to the end of the world. Is menses the grossest way to refer to a period?
Sandy: Oh, I’m sure we can come up with some grosser ways to reference periods. How about “strawberry jam clam” or “meat cleavered beaver” or “mashed cherry pie surprise”. Okay, let’s hear some of yours please and thank you.
Jon: No. I think anything with menses is worse. Meaty Menses, Milky Menses. Milky Meaty Menses. Strawberry jam menses. You see where this is going. Is anything that kid says really any form of protection?
Sandy: It’s the symbolism of it, Jon. This is what she has to give him, it’s a protective energy. But no, it will not block teeth. I want to wear Elijah Wood as a backpack. Or at least have a backpack that looks like Elijah Wood like those little Yoda or Gizmo backpacks! Would you wear Elijah Wood as a backpack?
Jon: No thanks. I don’t want to feel his little Hobbit dick on my back. How awful would it be to be chased through an air duct by a zombie child? How long could you survive?
Sandy: It would be terrifying and I would die immediately because that kind of life is not for fatties. “Follow me, I do CrossFit”… would you follow him? Also… who the fuck was that lady that got locked in the cabinet with Patriot or whatever kid that was earlier in the movie?
Jon: Ray Bradbury? I don’t remember actually. Would you sacrifice Tracy? How soon after this started?
Sandy: I’d probably want to protect Tracy like a little baby bird. Minus the chewing food and spitting it into his mouth though. How medically official was Doug’s method for extracting and examining the brain of that kid?! Do you think he actually had any real medical training?
Jon: Clearly Doug had many years of med school. That’s exactly how you remove a brain. Is that really the right time for a confession?
Sandy: No, the men in this movie are not very efficient. Not that the women are either though. How about that playground horror scene montage?? I love how creative they got with using body parts and whatnot for various games and equipment.
Jon: It’s a cornucopia of gore. A vat of vile. How fucked up are the teachers’ things they wished they’d done?
Sandy: I don’t remember the specifics of what they were saying, but I do remember thinking some of it was pretty fucking bizarre and ridiculous. Would the vending machines still work if the lights went out in a school?
Jon: A vending machine will always take your money but without power your snack will always get stuck before it falls. Can you imagine anything besides Lucy that Wade and Clint would agree upon?
Sandy: Maybe how satisfying it is to make a good poop?
Jon: Not even. I bet Wade has a hard time pooping. Hey Danielle Steele?
Sandy: Can’t remember this reference, please explainnnn.
Jon: It was one of Wade’s jabs at Clint. When Wade says take care of her do you think he means Lucy or the truck?
Sandy: He definitely means the truck. It’s got DUAL REAR WHEELS, JON! What do you think the name of his truck was?
Jon: Precious. Would you live in a town called Fort Chicken?
Sandy: Only against my will. Actually, it’s a pretty funny name so I might. But if the main point of the town was breeding and killing chickens, no thank you. What’s the weirdest-named town you’ve ever been to?
Jon: Not sure about a weird one but Lackawanna, PA is the one that I relate to most. How annoying is a person who corrects your usage of “epidemic” when it should be “pandemic?”
Sandy: It depends on the scenario I think, but while I'm in the midst of chaos, it’s very annoying. Mild anal leakage. Do you remember when they came out with Wow chips and the warning on the back of the bag was “May cause anal leakage”?
Jon: I really should have read that warning label before the wedding. Maybe pay some attention?
Sandy: Does anyone do that though? Like ever? Anywhere? I definitely think more attention needs to be paid in this movie but also out in the real world in general. How about the makeup on that kid that flew off the roof??? That jaw???!!!
Jon: Stellar. Could they have stumbled into a worse building?
Sandy: That was a place I’d love to go to if there were no children in it, but yeah that was a fucking horror show. Have you ever been to Bounce or any of the other trampoline places? Did you know how fucking difficult it is to jump on a trampoline?!?!
Jon: You know I would break my neck on a trampoline. Does Wade have a weird hero fetish?
Sandy: Is it a fetish or a complex? Can it be both? I feel like he desperately wants to be a hero, but I don’t know if it’s to prove himself or because he wants to be idolized. Probably the latter. How much did you love this fucking movie? Because I actually thought it was pretty damn good.
Jon: I really enjoyed it but I thought it was a different movie. I had it confused with the similar Little Monsters.
Lessons
Skip the school lunch.
Don’t fight over a woman during the apocalypse.
Fucking pay attention during a zombie apocalypse.
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