Double Farm Weeks!!!

Happy National Farm Animals Awareness Week! Oh, wait and Happy National Farm and Ranch Safety and Health Awareness Week! Seems as though they should have spread these weeks out a little so as to maximize the celebration of farming. How do you celebrate these weeks anyway? Buy the pigs some new slop and fix that broken piece of fence around their sty? If only there was a movie that could honor both of these occasions. Of course there is and that movie is Black Sheep! No not the Chris Farley/ David Spade sort of sequel to Tommy Boy. That’s not a true horror movie but New Zealand’s Black Sheep? That’s horror. So to celebrate, I watched a movie with farm animals run amuck and so should you.

The Movie

Angus and Henry Oldfield grew up on one of the largest sheep farms in all of New Zealand but Angus is something of an asshole. He kills Henry’s sheep, Dudley, and as if that was not enough, torments him by wearing the skin and scaring him. As if this is not traumatic enough, Angus only stops when they are given the news that their father has died. Fast forward many years and a still shaken Henry is returning to the farm to sell his share to Angus. Needless to say, Henry has tremendous, sheep related anxiety that borders on phobia. In the years since, Angus has grown into an especially charming human being who may or may not be banging his herd. Angus is attempting to elevate the family name into the upper echelons of sheep herding by introducing a new, genetically modified sheep- the Oldfield. While the brothers enjoy a tense reunion, two eco/social justice warriors sneak onto the farm to expose the genetic laboratory on the farm. Grant and Experience sneak into the lab and Grant steals a sheep fetus in a jar. They are seen and flee with Oldfield scientist in hot pursuit. Grant is an idiot and he trips and breaks the jar. Not only has he lost his evidence of the genetic crimes of the Oldfield lab but it turns out the sheep fetus is not dead. The fetus latches onto Grant’s ear in a most Mike Tyson-esque fashion and crawls its way towards the main herd, spreading its odd genetic traits by biting other sheep.

Despite Henry’s phobia, he has agreed to spend a little time with farmhand Tucker. Their drive through the property is disrupted by a sheep in the road. Tucker gets out to try to move it while Henry panics and calls his therapist when they are waylaid by Experience who apparently has none with a rifle. She doesn’t know how to take the safety off and gives Tucker the gun so he can show her. Tucker is smart enough to keep the rifle. As Experience lectures them on the evil of the farm and the world, the trio notice smoke on the horizon and rush to the scene. Turns out Mike left has left the stove on and does not appear to be anywhere. They search the house and find bad feng shui, dead Mike and a really pissed off sheep- like head rammed through a door pissed. Tucker shoots it and they run for the truck only to find it surrounded by sheep and Henry freezes. Experience helps Henry ground himself by telling him he’s a tree and other new agey crap about chakras and branches which seems to work and they get to the truck but there’s already an sheep in the cab with Tucker but they speed off anyway. From here things devolve into mammoth woolly mayhem. Will Angus continue to be a baaastard? Can his genetically modified sheep shear the competition? Why does Tucker have a sheep foot? Will Grant be able to hold to his vegetarian principles? Can Experience pay off to save Henry and his new love? Watch Black Sheep and find out!


How It Fits I With the Day/ Why Did I Choose This Movie
With all the farm-based horror to choose from, why Black Sheep? Black Sheep is animal mayhem at its finest. It balances a sense of humor with the gore and scares that any good animal attack movie needs. Cheesy? Sure but also so much fun and it advances the cause of farm animal awareness and farm safety like no other movie could.

Lessons

• Do not sneak onto farms and steal genetic material even if it is for the most noble causes. Forget the criminal aspect. That’s likely the least of your worries. You never know the kind of humanity destroying shit you’ll unleash.
• Always make sure your weapons and tools are ready to use. Take the safety off the rifle, turn the chainsaw on and prime it. The seconds you waste doing it in a sheep crisis could be the difference between life and becoming a human sweater.
• Do not let sheep drive. They can’t. Even if they have been infected by a genetically modified sheep fetus. They did not slip driving ability into the genetic code.
• Pearl Jam album art is an accurate depiction of a sheep apocalypse. Get your copy of Vs. and watch Black Sheep. It will become very clear.
• Do not let crazy scientists conduct genetic experiments. I’m not sure how to feel about the whole GMO thing but if the scientists doing the experimentation are absolutely, sheep shit crazy, they should not be involved.