Happy National Maritime Day!

 May 22nd is National Maritime Day!  It’s a day to celebrate seafaring vessels and the seamen who man them.  During wartime the maritime industry needs protection from and by submarines.  In Below, things rapidly deteriorate when the crew of the USS Manta take on three survivors from a torpedoed hospital ship.  Before long, the submarine is malfunctioning and the crew begins to see things and by things I mean ghosts and strange mirror manifestations.  In the claustrophobic environment, seamen begin to turn on one another and chaos ensues.  Who can survive this nightmare?  Who is haunting them and why?  Grab some MREs, read the blog and watch Below for the answers to these and many other questions.

Questions

Jon: Did the orders seem to be a suggestion?

Sandy:  Orders are never a suggestion. 

Jon: I don’t know about that.  I tend to view most orders as wishes.  Do you like seamen?

Sandy:  Too salty. 

Jon: Can you imagine how exciting a woman on a submarine must be?

Sandy:  Back in WWII I imagine that was quite a thrill, but it’s probably less uncommon now? I can’t imagine a place I’d feel less safe than confined in something deep under the water with a bunch of fucking dudes. The minute she came down that ladder, the whole vibe changed to Rapesville USA. Does “some of them get a little strange” followed by “strange as in STRANGE” bode well for this woman?

Jon: Apparently it’s still fairly uncommon though becoming more normal.  Women used to be viewed as bad luck on ships so I think it was more recognition of a bad omen than Rapesville.  Is “One of them’s a bleeder” the grossest way to refer to a woman?

Sandy:  If not, it’s pretty goddamn close. Would it take knowing a woman was nearby for you to “wash the butt squirts out of your shorts”?

Jon: Maybe.  I probably wouldn’t be the only one not washing the butt squirts away so I wouldn’t be some sort of outlier.  Also, with all the danger and depth charges, my underwear would be rapidly refilled rendering my washing a waste of water.  Should they not worry about the validity of the survivor’s story?

Sandy:  It seems important to know what the deal is when inviting strangers into your enclosed secret underwater war vessel. Zach Galifianakis???

Jon: Before he was hungover, he was Weird Wally.  It’s somehow the most restrained I’ve ever seen him in a movie.  How unappealing does living on a submarine sound?

Sandy:  Yeah, no fucking thank you. I love the ocean, but I would be in full nonstop absolute panic mode if I were locked away in that water coffin. How about sardines as your possible last meal? 

Jon: Are sardines really edible?  If that was my only choice for a last meal, I’d die hungry and relieved that I didn’t eat sardines.  Ever seen Benny Goodman almost kill everyone in earshot?

Sandy:  Only in this movie. I’m going to start announcing my impending arrival by crying out “MAKE A HOLE”.

Jon: You are a hole.  Can you imagine how bad a submarine must smell especially after the entire crew shits itself from a depth charge attack?

Sandy:  Oh, it’s got to be pretty ripe in there. Even without the attack. Just a bunch of sweaty gross dudes and their gross dumb balls and feet and armpits. What’s the smelliest scenario you’ve ever encountered at work?

Jon: Hard to say.  Maybe one of the times we made a toxic mixture in the chemical room at Caldor.  Or maybe the time I went to work with a bellyful of Indian food.  Is this why you question their story?

Sandy:  Is what why you question their story? The exploding oil barrels? It’s probably good to question most stories at least a little bit during war. Lots of stories to question in this movie.

Jon: No, the fact that one dude was German and he may or may not have started the gramophone.  Ever shit in a bucket?

Sandy:  Not yet. But a girl can dream.

Jon: Is Benny Goodman trying to get them all killed?

Sandy:  Boo. Benny Goodman is not in charge of when or where his records play, you mook. Out of order, but have you ever heard a woman referred to as a Brillo pad? Is that a pubes-on-a-vageen reference?

Jon: Sure is.  Wait it’s a boat?  I thought the navy preferred ship to boat?

Sandy:  Maybe it’s a boat when it’s underwater and a ship when it’s above water? Would you put your ear against a dead guy’s mouth if you thought you heard him whisper-saying some creepy shit?

Jon: If I really wanted to hear what he was saying.  I would imagine that a whispering dead guy has something important to say and maybe I should listen.  Is it bad if there’s a draft on a submarine?

Sandy:  Only if there are no fans on board. Why did they prop the dead guy’s mouth open with that stick?

Jon: It’s probably some superstition.  Sailors can be pretty superstitious.  Do you believe the story about the ship's captain?

Sandy:  No way, that shit was janky from the start. But especially after what’s his puss asks Brice what he told the chick and Brice says he told her “the story”.

Jon: Is Brice going to get them all killed with his indecision?

Sandy:  Just about. How many were left in the very end? Two? Brice is having a full breakdown. Water INSIDE a submarine?

Jon: I think there were four of them left.  The water inside the submarine is to control buoyancy so it can submerge and surface.   Could you take orders from a naked guy?

Sandy:  That’s the only time I will take orders from a man. OHHHHHH!!!! Haha. Did Zach Galifianakis have a fucking monkey’s paw??

Jon: Weird Wally was the quintessential superstitious seaman.  Can you “pick” 2 volunteers?  If you pick them, are they still volunteers?

Sandy:  There’s no volunteering in that scenario. Is it official navy policy to flee for your life when you get scared, even if it means leaving one fallen and one still living brother behind? Those fucks left Odell with their shipmate’s body the second that dude popped up out of the water.

Jon: Absolutely.  When some kind of ghost pops out of the water, all naval codes are off.  Is it morse code or hull sounds?

Sandy:  I don’t know morse code, so I’m going with hull sounds? If somebody is screaming “don’t touch me”, should you keep touching them?

Jon: As an older brother, I know the correct answer is yes.  Is the leadership on this submarine qualified?

Sandy:  It’s not going very well for the folks on this vessel, so no I guess. 

Jon: Could be a training issue though.  Perhaps the US Navy doesn’t train officers how to appropriately respond to ghosts.  Is Brice an idiot, a murderer or both?

Sandy:  I think Brice might have been okay before madness got to him, but he’s not doing so great anymore. He did have a copy of The Tragedies of Shakespeare, so he’s presumably literate. That’s something.

Jon: He’s definitely a murderer and there are certainly literate idiots.  Do you remember Cracker Jack prizes being that cool?

Sandy:  I only remember getting stickers and fake tattoos. I also didn’t really get Cracker Jacks very often. Maybe like twice ever, specifically because I wanted the prize inside.

Jon: I never got anything cool either but you missed out.  Cracker Jacks are wonderful.  Are crazy stories exactly what the crew needs right now?

Sandy:  They’re already in one, but I can’t imagine it’s going to offer much in the way of hope or inspiration.

Jon: Are they dead?

Sandy:  Like in that plane movie we watched? They make a compelling argument, but I think the likeliest truth is that they’re breathing in some shit that’s hurting their brains.

Jon: How bad does 13% hydrogen sound?

Sandy:  Our regular atmosphere only has 0.00005% hydrogen in it, so 13% hydrogen sounds less than ideal. Did the dude who played Chief go back and forth between filming this and ConAir? I think he has the same exact outfit and haircut in both movies.

Jon: Con Air came out in 1997.  Below came out in 2002 so unless he was time traveling it’s more likely that’s just his look.  “Shut the door before I shut it with your face”?

Sandy:  I believe the word “goddamn” was also in there somewhere. He just wanted that hick to know he was serious. They probably should have had someone standing there to make sure no one opened it though… or like a note maybe?

Jon: How freaked out would you be if your reflection moved only after you did?

Sandy:  I’d be pretty nervous about it.

Jon: How much fun is Loomis having?

Sandy:  I was hoping he’d break into a choreographed dance routine, but alas. Where the fuck does he think he’s running to?

Jon: Anywhere except where he was?  The other end of the boat?  If you murder the captain of the ship, do you deserve the haunting?  Even if the captain wanted to murder survivors?

Sandy:  I don’t know about this one. That’s a tough question. Murdering the captain isn’t great, but he didn’t seem like a swell guy anyway if that story was true. Even if it was true that they didn’t want to murder the survivors in the water, it’s not like they saved any of them either. So maybe it’s like a group haunting?

Jon: Can you tell shit from shinola?

Sandy:  I think so?

Jon: Well I guess we have to find out.  I’ll order some shinola and save a nice shit for you.  If you make a promise do you have to at least try to keep it for more than 3 seconds?

Sandy:  I don’t know if you have to, but I certainly make it a personal policy.

Jon: Oxygen deprivation or actual malediction?

Sandy:  Both? WHY DESIGN A HOSPITAL SHIP TO LOOK LIKE AN ENEMY SHIP WHEN THERE ARE BOOKS WITH PICTURES OF THE SHIPS AVAILABLE FOR REFERENCE??

Jon: They weren’t really similarly designed but misidentifications happened.  Also wouldn’t Germans build warships that looked like Hospital ships intentionally?  The US also had to rush production of hospital ships once the war started and probably built them in the same yards as military ships so some similarity was probably unavoidable.  Does Brice still see a way out of this?

Sandy:  He shot himself in the head. Twice somehow. So I'm thinking no.

Jon: Brice seems stable right?

Sandy:  Motherfucker is shaving in the freezing cold pitch black on a runaway submarine. At least his shoes are shiny. When he shoots the radio out, does it remind you of Quint bashing the radio in Jaws?

Jon: A bit in that both eliminated any hope of rescue.  Is Brice a selfish prick?

Sandy:  Yes. Like insanely selfish. But he wasn’t alone in that either. He had several others fanning that flame. That skirt’s got some big balls. No question really, just admiration.

 

Lessons

Benny Goodman will kill you.

Submarine life is not for me.

Don’t sink the wrong ship.

Happy National Pizza Party Day!

 May 20th is National Pizza Party Day!  Americans love pizza so much there’s more than one national day dedicated to the perfect slice.  We’ll put just about anything on a pizza too including things we wouldn’t otherwise eat- looking at you anchovy lovers- and things that sure as shit don’t belong on one- PINEAPPLE IS NOT A PIZZA TOPPING!  To celebrate, Alison and I watched the Halloween knock off, Offerings.  Johnny is a mute, bullied boy who also shows signs of severe mental illness and serial killer tendencies.  On a dare from the bullies, Johnny falls into a well and then commits some heinous acts (more on that later) and is committed to a psychiatric hospital.  Years later Johnny escapes and returns home to exact bloody vengeance on his childhood tormentors.  Who will survive?  Why does this score sound exactly like Halloween?  Order 5 pizzas and watch Offerings (Bonus- it’s streaming free on YouTube).  Just make sure the sausage is actually sausage.

Questions

Jon: How unappetizing is a chef smoking a cigarette?

Alison: We’re going with chef, huh? Do women wear curlers anymore?

Jon: No one under 65 wears curlers, which is a shame.  They’re damn sexy.  Are cigarette ashes in eggs bad parenting or how you treat a creepy kid?

Alison: She is part of the reason that kid is creepy. I’m pretty sure mom has been tapping cigarette ashes into breakfast for a long time, including during pregnancy.

Jon: Would you talk to that bitch?

Alison: Not willingly, no. Did you know the minute kids on bikes appeared bullying was about to ensue?

Jon: Kids on bikes in movies are always either the heroes or the bullies and since we already met Johnny and Gretchen and established they were good at the time, it was clear the bike kids were bullies.  Do you wish the boy’s father had succeeded?

Alison: Oh dude needed to try much harder. The sins of the father.

Jon: Do you think Gretchen could stop them from doing anything to Johnny?

Alison: She sure tried her hardest. Were there any random open wells around when you were growing up? Is that normal?

Jon: Not around me but there were always national stories about some kid falling down a well.  Is putting your gum on a patient’s nose the height of medical professionalism?

Alison: The absolute epitome. And putting it back in your mouth.

Jon: Why is this nurse so scared?

Alison: She gets it. She knows what movie knockoff she’s in.

Jon: Wait so after Johnny fell down the well he got out and ate his mom and judging by his face got caught in a fire too?

Alison: Hahahahahahaha yes that is exactly what I was thinking. Do psychiatric hospital alarms typically sound like air raid sirens? If there’s a psychotic murderer on the loose will hiding under a desk help you?

Jon: Every psychiatric hospital I ever escaped from had alarms that sounded more like a wounded ambulance than an air raid and all the staff always hid under the desks.  Desks are all purpose protection- escaping mental patients, bullets and atomic weapons- you name it the desk protects you from it.  Except pregnancy.  He’s impervious to high voltage????

Alison: Most psycho killers are, you didn’t know that? And bullets.

Jon: How inspiring is a professor who answers “I don’t know.” before ending his lecture?

Alison: Not very. It’s better to ask, “what do you think?”

Do you remember overhead projectors? How about mimeograph machines? Original printing press? The wheel? Those things happened.

Jon: School technology has come a long way from leaving everyone with inky fingers and chalk filled lungs.  So that cop went all the way to the college just to tell the professor that Johnny escaped?

Alison: And then confirmed he does actually have his phone number. I guess he drove over to find him where there was no phone. 1989.

Jon: Are all the parents in this neighborhood older?

Alison: They do seem old. Oooooo Pop Tarts!

Jon: Does a teenager need to be reminded to feed the dog?

Alison: A shitty one, maybe. Is this kid afraid of trees and grass? Why is she peering at everything outside like that?

Jon: She knows what movie knock off she’s in.  Does a 40 mile walk give you an appetite for raw park ducks?

Alison: Oh all the time. I call them road snacks.

Jon: You are a liar.  You’ve never eaten duck.  Not on a road nor in an abode.  Can they “note this”?

Alison: Noted. Remember when mens jeans were so tight you could most definitely take notes? Like on whether they were circumcised or not?

Jon: No, I think I blocked that sausage fest out.  Do you like the piano score that sounds like the Halloween music?

Alison: Same freakin notes, just slower. Remember when garbage cans didn’t have wheels and raccoons could get into them really easily?

Jon: Yep and I remember when they were metal and you could hit people with the lids.  Would “Ok what gives” be your first question in that situation?

Alison: He seems frightfully calm in this situation. He barely reacts.

Are vice grips inherently creepy or have they been bastardized by horror movies?

Jon: The only time I’ve ever been scared of vice grips is when they are crotch height.  Is threatening to kick someone’s ass incentive for them to untie you?

Alison: It is definitely an interesting approach. Why does it have to get to the point where he realizes he’s not speaking before he really panics? Oh, the power drill works! Delightful!

Jon: Silence is creepy.  Would you care what part of Hamlet that passage refers to?

Alison: I know exactly what part of Hamlet that passage refers to. Hamlet is badass.  Is David a rebellious bad boy? Does the teacher love it?

Jon: David is as close to a bad boy as any of those tools but he’s pretty lame as bad boys go.  Does Gretchen have a mole right at the end of her nostril or is it a snot? Shadow?

Alison: It’s a mole and I do not like it. Is there such a thing as too many hedges?

Jon: Yep and this movie proves it.

Alison: Dude how weak is Gretchen that her dog just knocked her the fuck over?

Jon: She definitely weighs less than that dog.  A chihuahua could probably knock her over.  Do you deserve to eat dog food if you eat food off a spoon without permission?

Alison: One hundred percent deserved. How many times does someone have to ring your doorbell before you straight up just don’t answer? Once? Because for me it’s once.

Jon: I don’t know because I don’t leave people standing outside for long enough to ring it more than once.  Is it weird to remember a time when you had to pay the delivery guy?

Alison: Mmmmm floor pizza. It’s weird to remember a time when you were obligated to interact with anyone at all ever? Thanks, technology.

Jon: That’s not sausage!!!!!

Alison: Oh they ate the whole damn thing, huh. And then made out. Does anyone actually clear their throat to get people’s attention? How sad are people who like to shoot small animals for fun?

Jon: The throat clear is a dying art.  People who shoot small animals are sadder than people who shoot larger animals.  So what’s all this about an ear?

Alison: Does it even seem like this kid knows how to sleep?

Jon:  Who am I to judge?  I definitely don’t know how to sleep.  How did Johnny get so strong?

Alison: Freak strength I think. Makes it look effortless.

Jon: Why do you suppose there weren’t any public warnings about an escapee from a mental hospital?

Alison: You don’t want anybody to freak out, Jon. What they don’t know won’t hurt them.

Jon: It certainly seems like what they don’t know hurt them all a lot.  How come they didn’t include the fact that their friends never showed up in the list of weird things that happened?

Alison: I’m honestly not sure.

Jon: Seriously, how is he so strong? They kept him sedated.

Alison: I swear it’s freak strength. That shit is for real. I mean it was pretty much the same thing with Michael Myers.

Jon: How many scenes are basically borrowed from Halloween?

Alison: So many. That kid was basically the German shepherd. :(

Jon: Will the intern make the perfect movie mortician someday?

Alison: Dude that boy is too interested. Is a tennis racket a good weapon? Do people in horror movies do stupid things, Jon?

Jon: A tennis racket is only a good weapon if the killer is Boris Becker. If people in horror movies didn’t do stupid shit, there wouldn’t be horror movies.  Ever sneak into an abandoned house to look at porno mags?

Alison: No, but I wasn’t as wily as this kid, immediately bargaining his ass off with the police. How much sugar is too much? Yo these two are super calm about finding random body parts.

Jon: There is no such thing as too much sugar.  If someone says “UHHHH’ before telling you their name, did they tell you their real name?

Alison: No, and it’s definitely not Ben Dover.

Jon: Maybe his name is Mike Hunt or Craven Moorehead.  When the cop tells them it’s a practical joke, is he even remotely believable?

Alison: Not at all.

Jon: Is the connection between what Johnny’s doing and the well really that strange?

Alison: Only in that I don’t see any connection whatsoever.

Would you be all up in Johnny’s face like that after handing him a blunt instrument?

Jon: I wouldn’t be within 10 feet of him.  Not only is he inexplicably jacked but he was so sedated he probably never brushed his teeth.  His breath must be kicking.  Does Buddy Logan inspire confidence and safety?

Alison: Oh I feel safer just gazing at his impressive form and confident delivery.

Jon: Is there any way all the 911 lines are busy?

Alison: In a small town that can be a thing unfortunately.

Jon: Then maybe they need competing emergency numbers like in England.

Alison: Does anyone pronounce it “Hawaiheeeee?”

Jon: Drunks and people from Oklahoma apparently.

Lessons

Don’t be a bully.

If the sausage looks weird don’t eat it.