Happy National Maritime Day!

 May 22nd is National Maritime Day!  It’s a day to celebrate seafaring vessels and the seamen who man them.  During wartime the maritime industry needs protection from and by submarines.  In Below, things rapidly deteriorate when the crew of the USS Manta take on three survivors from a torpedoed hospital ship.  Before long, the submarine is malfunctioning and the crew begins to see things and by things I mean ghosts and strange mirror manifestations.  In the claustrophobic environment, seamen begin to turn on one another and chaos ensues.  Who can survive this nightmare?  Who is haunting them and why?  Grab some MREs, read the blog and watch Below for the answers to these and many other questions.

Questions

Jon: Did the orders seem to be a suggestion?

Sandy:  Orders are never a suggestion. 

Jon: I don’t know about that.  I tend to view most orders as wishes.  Do you like seamen?

Sandy:  Too salty. 

Jon: Can you imagine how exciting a woman on a submarine must be?

Sandy:  Back in WWII I imagine that was quite a thrill, but it’s probably less uncommon now? I can’t imagine a place I’d feel less safe than confined in something deep under the water with a bunch of fucking dudes. The minute she came down that ladder, the whole vibe changed to Rapesville USA. Does “some of them get a little strange” followed by “strange as in STRANGE” bode well for this woman?

Jon: Apparently it’s still fairly uncommon though becoming more normal.  Women used to be viewed as bad luck on ships so I think it was more recognition of a bad omen than Rapesville.  Is “One of them’s a bleeder” the grossest way to refer to a woman?

Sandy:  If not, it’s pretty goddamn close. Would it take knowing a woman was nearby for you to “wash the butt squirts out of your shorts”?

Jon: Maybe.  I probably wouldn’t be the only one not washing the butt squirts away so I wouldn’t be some sort of outlier.  Also, with all the danger and depth charges, my underwear would be rapidly refilled rendering my washing a waste of water.  Should they not worry about the validity of the survivor’s story?

Sandy:  It seems important to know what the deal is when inviting strangers into your enclosed secret underwater war vessel. Zach Galifianakis???

Jon: Before he was hungover, he was Weird Wally.  It’s somehow the most restrained I’ve ever seen him in a movie.  How unappealing does living on a submarine sound?

Sandy:  Yeah, no fucking thank you. I love the ocean, but I would be in full nonstop absolute panic mode if I were locked away in that water coffin. How about sardines as your possible last meal? 

Jon: Are sardines really edible?  If that was my only choice for a last meal, I’d die hungry and relieved that I didn’t eat sardines.  Ever seen Benny Goodman almost kill everyone in earshot?

Sandy:  Only in this movie. I’m going to start announcing my impending arrival by crying out “MAKE A HOLE”.

Jon: You are a hole.  Can you imagine how bad a submarine must smell especially after the entire crew shits itself from a depth charge attack?

Sandy:  Oh, it’s got to be pretty ripe in there. Even without the attack. Just a bunch of sweaty gross dudes and their gross dumb balls and feet and armpits. What’s the smelliest scenario you’ve ever encountered at work?

Jon: Hard to say.  Maybe one of the times we made a toxic mixture in the chemical room at Caldor.  Or maybe the time I went to work with a bellyful of Indian food.  Is this why you question their story?

Sandy:  Is what why you question their story? The exploding oil barrels? It’s probably good to question most stories at least a little bit during war. Lots of stories to question in this movie.

Jon: No, the fact that one dude was German and he may or may not have started the gramophone.  Ever shit in a bucket?

Sandy:  Not yet. But a girl can dream.

Jon: Is Benny Goodman trying to get them all killed?

Sandy:  Boo. Benny Goodman is not in charge of when or where his records play, you mook. Out of order, but have you ever heard a woman referred to as a Brillo pad? Is that a pubes-on-a-vageen reference?

Jon: Sure is.  Wait it’s a boat?  I thought the navy preferred ship to boat?

Sandy:  Maybe it’s a boat when it’s underwater and a ship when it’s above water? Would you put your ear against a dead guy’s mouth if you thought you heard him whisper-saying some creepy shit?

Jon: If I really wanted to hear what he was saying.  I would imagine that a whispering dead guy has something important to say and maybe I should listen.  Is it bad if there’s a draft on a submarine?

Sandy:  Only if there are no fans on board. Why did they prop the dead guy’s mouth open with that stick?

Jon: It’s probably some superstition.  Sailors can be pretty superstitious.  Do you believe the story about the ship's captain?

Sandy:  No way, that shit was janky from the start. But especially after what’s his puss asks Brice what he told the chick and Brice says he told her “the story”.

Jon: Is Brice going to get them all killed with his indecision?

Sandy:  Just about. How many were left in the very end? Two? Brice is having a full breakdown. Water INSIDE a submarine?

Jon: I think there were four of them left.  The water inside the submarine is to control buoyancy so it can submerge and surface.   Could you take orders from a naked guy?

Sandy:  That’s the only time I will take orders from a man. OHHHHHH!!!! Haha. Did Zach Galifianakis have a fucking monkey’s paw??

Jon: Weird Wally was the quintessential superstitious seaman.  Can you “pick” 2 volunteers?  If you pick them, are they still volunteers?

Sandy:  There’s no volunteering in that scenario. Is it official navy policy to flee for your life when you get scared, even if it means leaving one fallen and one still living brother behind? Those fucks left Odell with their shipmate’s body the second that dude popped up out of the water.

Jon: Absolutely.  When some kind of ghost pops out of the water, all naval codes are off.  Is it morse code or hull sounds?

Sandy:  I don’t know morse code, so I’m going with hull sounds? If somebody is screaming “don’t touch me”, should you keep touching them?

Jon: As an older brother, I know the correct answer is yes.  Is the leadership on this submarine qualified?

Sandy:  It’s not going very well for the folks on this vessel, so no I guess. 

Jon: Could be a training issue though.  Perhaps the US Navy doesn’t train officers how to appropriately respond to ghosts.  Is Brice an idiot, a murderer or both?

Sandy:  I think Brice might have been okay before madness got to him, but he’s not doing so great anymore. He did have a copy of The Tragedies of Shakespeare, so he’s presumably literate. That’s something.

Jon: He’s definitely a murderer and there are certainly literate idiots.  Do you remember Cracker Jack prizes being that cool?

Sandy:  I only remember getting stickers and fake tattoos. I also didn’t really get Cracker Jacks very often. Maybe like twice ever, specifically because I wanted the prize inside.

Jon: I never got anything cool either but you missed out.  Cracker Jacks are wonderful.  Are crazy stories exactly what the crew needs right now?

Sandy:  They’re already in one, but I can’t imagine it’s going to offer much in the way of hope or inspiration.

Jon: Are they dead?

Sandy:  Like in that plane movie we watched? They make a compelling argument, but I think the likeliest truth is that they’re breathing in some shit that’s hurting their brains.

Jon: How bad does 13% hydrogen sound?

Sandy:  Our regular atmosphere only has 0.00005% hydrogen in it, so 13% hydrogen sounds less than ideal. Did the dude who played Chief go back and forth between filming this and ConAir? I think he has the same exact outfit and haircut in both movies.

Jon: Con Air came out in 1997.  Below came out in 2002 so unless he was time traveling it’s more likely that’s just his look.  “Shut the door before I shut it with your face”?

Sandy:  I believe the word “goddamn” was also in there somewhere. He just wanted that hick to know he was serious. They probably should have had someone standing there to make sure no one opened it though… or like a note maybe?

Jon: How freaked out would you be if your reflection moved only after you did?

Sandy:  I’d be pretty nervous about it.

Jon: How much fun is Loomis having?

Sandy:  I was hoping he’d break into a choreographed dance routine, but alas. Where the fuck does he think he’s running to?

Jon: Anywhere except where he was?  The other end of the boat?  If you murder the captain of the ship, do you deserve the haunting?  Even if the captain wanted to murder survivors?

Sandy:  I don’t know about this one. That’s a tough question. Murdering the captain isn’t great, but he didn’t seem like a swell guy anyway if that story was true. Even if it was true that they didn’t want to murder the survivors in the water, it’s not like they saved any of them either. So maybe it’s like a group haunting?

Jon: Can you tell shit from shinola?

Sandy:  I think so?

Jon: Well I guess we have to find out.  I’ll order some shinola and save a nice shit for you.  If you make a promise do you have to at least try to keep it for more than 3 seconds?

Sandy:  I don’t know if you have to, but I certainly make it a personal policy.

Jon: Oxygen deprivation or actual malediction?

Sandy:  Both? WHY DESIGN A HOSPITAL SHIP TO LOOK LIKE AN ENEMY SHIP WHEN THERE ARE BOOKS WITH PICTURES OF THE SHIPS AVAILABLE FOR REFERENCE??

Jon: They weren’t really similarly designed but misidentifications happened.  Also wouldn’t Germans build warships that looked like Hospital ships intentionally?  The US also had to rush production of hospital ships once the war started and probably built them in the same yards as military ships so some similarity was probably unavoidable.  Does Brice still see a way out of this?

Sandy:  He shot himself in the head. Twice somehow. So I'm thinking no.

Jon: Brice seems stable right?

Sandy:  Motherfucker is shaving in the freezing cold pitch black on a runaway submarine. At least his shoes are shiny. When he shoots the radio out, does it remind you of Quint bashing the radio in Jaws?

Jon: A bit in that both eliminated any hope of rescue.  Is Brice a selfish prick?

Sandy:  Yes. Like insanely selfish. But he wasn’t alone in that either. He had several others fanning that flame. That skirt’s got some big balls. No question really, just admiration.

 

Lessons

Benny Goodman will kill you.

Submarine life is not for me.

Don’t sink the wrong ship.