Happy National Pizza Party Day!

 May 20th is National Pizza Party Day!  Americans love pizza so much there’s more than one national day dedicated to the perfect slice.  We’ll put just about anything on a pizza too including things we wouldn’t otherwise eat- looking at you anchovy lovers- and things that sure as shit don’t belong on one- PINEAPPLE IS NOT A PIZZA TOPPING!  To celebrate, Alison and I watched the Halloween knock off, Offerings.  Johnny is a mute, bullied boy who also shows signs of severe mental illness and serial killer tendencies.  On a dare from the bullies, Johnny falls into a well and then commits some heinous acts (more on that later) and is committed to a psychiatric hospital.  Years later Johnny escapes and returns home to exact bloody vengeance on his childhood tormentors.  Who will survive?  Why does this score sound exactly like Halloween?  Order 5 pizzas and watch Offerings (Bonus- it’s streaming free on YouTube).  Just make sure the sausage is actually sausage.

Questions

Jon: How unappetizing is a chef smoking a cigarette?

Alison: We’re going with chef, huh? Do women wear curlers anymore?

Jon: No one under 65 wears curlers, which is a shame.  They’re damn sexy.  Are cigarette ashes in eggs bad parenting or how you treat a creepy kid?

Alison: She is part of the reason that kid is creepy. I’m pretty sure mom has been tapping cigarette ashes into breakfast for a long time, including during pregnancy.

Jon: Would you talk to that bitch?

Alison: Not willingly, no. Did you know the minute kids on bikes appeared bullying was about to ensue?

Jon: Kids on bikes in movies are always either the heroes or the bullies and since we already met Johnny and Gretchen and established they were good at the time, it was clear the bike kids were bullies.  Do you wish the boy’s father had succeeded?

Alison: Oh dude needed to try much harder. The sins of the father.

Jon: Do you think Gretchen could stop them from doing anything to Johnny?

Alison: She sure tried her hardest. Were there any random open wells around when you were growing up? Is that normal?

Jon: Not around me but there were always national stories about some kid falling down a well.  Is putting your gum on a patient’s nose the height of medical professionalism?

Alison: The absolute epitome. And putting it back in your mouth.

Jon: Why is this nurse so scared?

Alison: She gets it. She knows what movie knockoff she’s in.

Jon: Wait so after Johnny fell down the well he got out and ate his mom and judging by his face got caught in a fire too?

Alison: Hahahahahahaha yes that is exactly what I was thinking. Do psychiatric hospital alarms typically sound like air raid sirens? If there’s a psychotic murderer on the loose will hiding under a desk help you?

Jon: Every psychiatric hospital I ever escaped from had alarms that sounded more like a wounded ambulance than an air raid and all the staff always hid under the desks.  Desks are all purpose protection- escaping mental patients, bullets and atomic weapons- you name it the desk protects you from it.  Except pregnancy.  He’s impervious to high voltage????

Alison: Most psycho killers are, you didn’t know that? And bullets.

Jon: How inspiring is a professor who answers “I don’t know.” before ending his lecture?

Alison: Not very. It’s better to ask, “what do you think?”

Do you remember overhead projectors? How about mimeograph machines? Original printing press? The wheel? Those things happened.

Jon: School technology has come a long way from leaving everyone with inky fingers and chalk filled lungs.  So that cop went all the way to the college just to tell the professor that Johnny escaped?

Alison: And then confirmed he does actually have his phone number. I guess he drove over to find him where there was no phone. 1989.

Jon: Are all the parents in this neighborhood older?

Alison: They do seem old. Oooooo Pop Tarts!

Jon: Does a teenager need to be reminded to feed the dog?

Alison: A shitty one, maybe. Is this kid afraid of trees and grass? Why is she peering at everything outside like that?

Jon: She knows what movie knock off she’s in.  Does a 40 mile walk give you an appetite for raw park ducks?

Alison: Oh all the time. I call them road snacks.

Jon: You are a liar.  You’ve never eaten duck.  Not on a road nor in an abode.  Can they “note this”?

Alison: Noted. Remember when mens jeans were so tight you could most definitely take notes? Like on whether they were circumcised or not?

Jon: No, I think I blocked that sausage fest out.  Do you like the piano score that sounds like the Halloween music?

Alison: Same freakin notes, just slower. Remember when garbage cans didn’t have wheels and raccoons could get into them really easily?

Jon: Yep and I remember when they were metal and you could hit people with the lids.  Would “Ok what gives” be your first question in that situation?

Alison: He seems frightfully calm in this situation. He barely reacts.

Are vice grips inherently creepy or have they been bastardized by horror movies?

Jon: The only time I’ve ever been scared of vice grips is when they are crotch height.  Is threatening to kick someone’s ass incentive for them to untie you?

Alison: It is definitely an interesting approach. Why does it have to get to the point where he realizes he’s not speaking before he really panics? Oh, the power drill works! Delightful!

Jon: Silence is creepy.  Would you care what part of Hamlet that passage refers to?

Alison: I know exactly what part of Hamlet that passage refers to. Hamlet is badass.  Is David a rebellious bad boy? Does the teacher love it?

Jon: David is as close to a bad boy as any of those tools but he’s pretty lame as bad boys go.  Does Gretchen have a mole right at the end of her nostril or is it a snot? Shadow?

Alison: It’s a mole and I do not like it. Is there such a thing as too many hedges?

Jon: Yep and this movie proves it.

Alison: Dude how weak is Gretchen that her dog just knocked her the fuck over?

Jon: She definitely weighs less than that dog.  A chihuahua could probably knock her over.  Do you deserve to eat dog food if you eat food off a spoon without permission?

Alison: One hundred percent deserved. How many times does someone have to ring your doorbell before you straight up just don’t answer? Once? Because for me it’s once.

Jon: I don’t know because I don’t leave people standing outside for long enough to ring it more than once.  Is it weird to remember a time when you had to pay the delivery guy?

Alison: Mmmmm floor pizza. It’s weird to remember a time when you were obligated to interact with anyone at all ever? Thanks, technology.

Jon: That’s not sausage!!!!!

Alison: Oh they ate the whole damn thing, huh. And then made out. Does anyone actually clear their throat to get people’s attention? How sad are people who like to shoot small animals for fun?

Jon: The throat clear is a dying art.  People who shoot small animals are sadder than people who shoot larger animals.  So what’s all this about an ear?

Alison: Does it even seem like this kid knows how to sleep?

Jon:  Who am I to judge?  I definitely don’t know how to sleep.  How did Johnny get so strong?

Alison: Freak strength I think. Makes it look effortless.

Jon: Why do you suppose there weren’t any public warnings about an escapee from a mental hospital?

Alison: You don’t want anybody to freak out, Jon. What they don’t know won’t hurt them.

Jon: It certainly seems like what they don’t know hurt them all a lot.  How come they didn’t include the fact that their friends never showed up in the list of weird things that happened?

Alison: I’m honestly not sure.

Jon: Seriously, how is he so strong? They kept him sedated.

Alison: I swear it’s freak strength. That shit is for real. I mean it was pretty much the same thing with Michael Myers.

Jon: How many scenes are basically borrowed from Halloween?

Alison: So many. That kid was basically the German shepherd. :(

Jon: Will the intern make the perfect movie mortician someday?

Alison: Dude that boy is too interested. Is a tennis racket a good weapon? Do people in horror movies do stupid things, Jon?

Jon: A tennis racket is only a good weapon if the killer is Boris Becker. If people in horror movies didn’t do stupid shit, there wouldn’t be horror movies.  Ever sneak into an abandoned house to look at porno mags?

Alison: No, but I wasn’t as wily as this kid, immediately bargaining his ass off with the police. How much sugar is too much? Yo these two are super calm about finding random body parts.

Jon: There is no such thing as too much sugar.  If someone says “UHHHH’ before telling you their name, did they tell you their real name?

Alison: No, and it’s definitely not Ben Dover.

Jon: Maybe his name is Mike Hunt or Craven Moorehead.  When the cop tells them it’s a practical joke, is he even remotely believable?

Alison: Not at all.

Jon: Is the connection between what Johnny’s doing and the well really that strange?

Alison: Only in that I don’t see any connection whatsoever.

Would you be all up in Johnny’s face like that after handing him a blunt instrument?

Jon: I wouldn’t be within 10 feet of him.  Not only is he inexplicably jacked but he was so sedated he probably never brushed his teeth.  His breath must be kicking.  Does Buddy Logan inspire confidence and safety?

Alison: Oh I feel safer just gazing at his impressive form and confident delivery.

Jon: Is there any way all the 911 lines are busy?

Alison: In a small town that can be a thing unfortunately.

Jon: Then maybe they need competing emergency numbers like in England.

Alison: Does anyone pronounce it “Hawaiheeeee?”

Jon: Drunks and people from Oklahoma apparently.

Lessons

Don’t be a bully.

If the sausage looks weird don’t eat it.