Happy Independent Retailers Month

 July is Independent Retailer Month.  It is a month-long celebration of the small businesses we all claim to support as we order more stuff on Amazon.  One of the other big competitors to the independent retailer has long been the mall with all the large chain stores in one convenient location but now some malls have become havens for smaller retailers.  Think about it.  It’s very likely your local mall still has some big chains but mixed in is a Native American Art store, 700 cell phone accessory booths and a clothing store with clothes that are a couple seasons out of fashion.    To celebrate, we watched Chopping Mall.  When the mall unleashes its fleet of robot security guards during a thunderstorm, a group of young adults, gathered to have a sex party in a furniture store, are in peril when the robots go on a killing spree.  So close the Amazon App, try Etsy and settle in and watch Chopping Mall with us.

Trailer

https://youtu.be/yzVoN6SD9cQ

Questions

Jon: Why are criminals’ shirts always grease stained?

Sandy: I don’t know, but if grease stains are an indicator of criminal intent, they’d better all be watching out for that pizza chef. Speaking of the pizza chef, how do you like your pizza... with garlic and mushrooms, or olives and EXTRA cigarette ash?

Jon: As tempting as olives and extra ash is, I am on strict doctor’s orders to stay off of cigarette ash.  Was Robocop a better slime intervention robot?

Sandy: I actually have not watched Robocop, but I’m going to say yes? Mainly because I’m assuming he isn’t just killing random people who haven’t done something terrible to someone else? I think what these robots really needed were giant googley eyes like that fucking thing that inexplicably rolls around Stop & Shop. What the fuck is that thing anyway? Do you think it has lasers and knife hands for “dealing with” unruly customers or supermarket criminals when no one else is around?

Jon: I kind of viewed the robots as being designed by the people who created Johnny Five from Short Circuit and that this is what Johnny Five was truly meant to be.  Lasers and knives are crucial for crowd control at a mall.  You worked Black Friday, wouldn’t it have been great to have a couple of these guys?  Did you notice the name of the restaurant owners?

Sandy: I thought I did, but since I can’t remember them right now, please tell me!! Did you notice that the custodian was Mr. Futterman from Gremlins?! I love that guy so much.

Jon: The restaurant owners were the Blands.  Dick Fucking Miller was the custodian.  He is a God and I love him.  The actor that plays Greg is Ed Helms dad Fred right?

Sandy: Haha, I was trying to figure out who it was he reminded me of!

Jon: Should a married couple be going to sex parties in a mall furniture store?

Sandy: I mean, if that’s what they’re into I say go for it. But generally speaking I don’t think anyone should be going to sex parties at a mall furniture store. No one wants to buy a couch that already has a jizz stain on it.

Jon: I always do.  You can usually get a great discount on the jizz stained furniture.  That chair you sat on the other night was $15 because of stains.  Is there anything more awkward than being caught by your girlfriend’s dad or boyfriend’s mom?

Sandy: Maybe catching your girlfriend’s dad or boyfriend’s mom masturbating to their own high school yearbook photo? Actually, I think Suzie laying on the ground in front of the robot, just screaming and not trying to get herself out of the way at all might be more awkward than anything else we’ve mentioned. I liked her up until she started pulling all of that dopey shit. Do you have as much trouble as I do mustering empathy for someone as stupid and panicked as Suzie? Would you kill her on purpose in a zombie apocalypse to save everyone else, since she would clearly slow the entire group down or give your hiding spots away with her ENDLESS SCREAMING?

Jon: Her helplessness was painful.  She definitely could have got away if she hadn’t screamed and panicked so much.  She was also pretty obnoxious before all that.  Why does Alison believe she’ll regret this in the morning?

Sandy: I don’t know man, being dragged to a party in a wide open glass-fronted mall furniture store, where a group of people you’ve never met will be loudly fucking their significant others on beds and couches all around you sounds like... fun? In all seriousness though, I’ll bet she did regret that shit. 

Jon: It’s the ideal way to spend a Saturday night.  Popped Collars- Need a comeback or No Way?

Sandy: I thought they were already back? Or that they had never left, for the yacht crowd at least. What I’d really like to know is, do you think the auditions for the two louder furniture store employees had a minimum tooth size requirement? Like any actor trying out to be one of those two characters must have front teeth that are at least 4 inches long? And does Mike ever not have gum in his mouth? Do you think he needs to chew that gum constantly to keep his teeth from growing through the bottom of his jaw?

Jon: I think tooth size was probably a coincidence.  I can’t imagine a casting call looking for 2 large toothed douches but maybe.  I think Mike chews gum all the time because it is nearly impossible to keep his breath fresh around those giant chompers.  Why does no one button shirts all the way up?

Sandy: Koumpounophobia?

Jon: Did you see B. Dalton?

Sandy: Only in my dreams. I was actually looking for it, but I’m not sure that I saw it. I still have the B.Dalton “D” in my studio. What kind of mall goes on that kind of extreme lockdown at night?? Could you imagine if the JV Mall had metal walls that slammed shut all over the place like it was prepping for a zombie apocalypse every night?

Jon: You missed it! B. Dalton was definitely there.  A mall with those gates in a zombie apocalypse is a dream come true.  It would be pretty safe and you’d have all that mall stuff to sustain you even a paint store!  Ferdy and Alison are kind of cute together but is orgasmic moaning the right soundtrack for a first date?

Sandy: Haha, I love Alison so casually saying “they’re having a fun time” like it’s not super fucking weird to be in the middle of a furniture store with people fucking all around you in stereo. By the way, who fucking names their kid Ferdy?

Jon: Ferdy might be short for Ferdinand and if that’s the case, calling him Ferdy is a better option.  He definitely isn’t Ferdinand material.  Would you ever walk around a mall without shoes on?

Sandy: SHE ALSO WASN’T WEARING PANTS, JON. No pants beats no shoes. But no, I can barely handle taking my shoes off to try new ones on at the mall.

Jon: No  shoes in a mall is way worse than no pants.  People are savages and there’s no way of knowing what gross shit you’re going to step in on a mall floor.  Unless you plan to roll around on the mall floor, no pants is a much smaller problem.  Do most couples only have sex and fight?

Sandy: I’m pretty sure it’s all I’ve ever done in a relationship... hahahahahahahaaaaaaaagggghhhhhhhrrrrggggggghhhhh....

Jon: Does the shadow of a Protector look like E.T.?

Sandy: Oh man, kind of yes! By the way, would you feel comfortable sitting in a room or anywhere for that matter with your back to three of those fucking things like those two scientist(?) guys? 

Jon: Fuck no!  I wouldn’t let 3 E.T.s sit behind me like that either.  Should you get in a gun/laser fight with robots while holding a propane tank?

Sandy: Yes definitely. Maybe. I mean, getting into a gun/laser fight with robots just generally sounds pretty rad. When the robots held their little arms up, did they remind you of photos of crabs with their claws raised above their heads? Because that’s what it reminded me of and it’s so fucking cute. I’d die from standing there trying to snuggle it when one of them did that.

Jon: Absolutely.  They also reminded me of little kids running around with their arms up and waving.  That is by far the least intimidating thing a killer robot could do.  Does the elevator move faster if you repeatedly press the button?

Sandy: Of course. That’s why everyone does it, right? Also, wasn’t the elevator’s power turned off for the night? 

Jon: It was but Ferdy the electrician managed to rewire the power somehow.  I don;t know how.  I can barely change a lightbulb.  Do you think Alison just wants to get away from Ferdy for a few minutes with her frequent suggestions to split up?

Sandy: Maybe that mouth spray he used earlier wore off.

Jon: What’s worse- the killer robot or ugly spiders and snakes?

Sandy: The killer robot for sure. Though it was hilarious that the spiders were all on her when she got up. Were you as irritated as I was when she chose to hide in the pet shop and potentially put all of those animals' lives at risk? 

Jon: I’m pretty sure those animals are in more danger from the people who own the pet store than from Alison and killer robots.  They freed some of them.  That robot’s head fell off pretty easily didn’t it?  Maybe they should have tried knocking the heads off?

Sandy: If only they had led the robots one at a time into the pizza place and deep fried the heads, then they could have knocked them off with a broom! Or even just threw a blanket over their heads or a bag. Or disguised themselves as large boxes or garbage cans to sneak out of the mall... Or even just stayed hidden behind something that wasn’t an easily shatter-able glass fucking window. Or hidden in a cluttered area and blocked any clear pathways with random crap so they couldn’t roll through to get to them? There are so many ways they could have stayed safe for the night, but I guess there wouldn’t have been much of a movie if they’d done that.  What the fuck was Linda calculating while they were hiding out in the restaurant?

Jon: She was figuring out how many years it would take them to pay for all the damages to the mall and how many lube jobs it would take to raise that much money.

Sandy: Have you ever answered a random ringing payphone? Do you think we need to explain to people what payphones are?

Jon: I haven’t answered a random ringing payphone in years,  I haven’t answered many randomly ringing cell phones either.  I don’t think we’re quite to the point where we need to fully explain payphones but for those who need it- a payphone required you to insert a coin, 25 cents most recently but as little as a nickel, and then you would get 3 minutes to talk before you would have to pay more.

Sandy: Did you catch Suzie’s dance at the furniture store when the party first started? If so, please explain what you think her artistic motives were behind those moves.

Jon: Seduction?  Comedy?  Idiocy?  All of the above?

Sandy: Do robots bleed in real life?

Jon: Yes. 10W30 in the winter and 10W40 in the summer.

Sandy: How many windows did they shatter throughout the movie? Do you think someone’s uncle owned a glass store and they were like “LET’S TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THIS OPPORTUNITY”? Do you think that’s the entire reason they even made the movie in the first place?

Jon: Have you ever broken a window?  It’s a lot of fun.  They absolutely broke as many as possible whether they knew someone who could replace them or not and probably the whole reason for making the movie.  Let’s go break some windows!

 

Lessons

1. If lightning will crash the programming on your robots you should not use robots.  Without a lightning safeguard, you risk frequent murderous malfunctions of you robot security force.

2. Just hire people to do jobs.  Stop with the robots.  Automation steals jobs from people and as you can see, it also leads to killer robots.

3. Don’t follow the suggestions of the panicked member of the group.  Those suggestions are dangerous.  Panicked brains come to poor conclusions.  Leave the decisions to the calmer people.

Happy National Culinary Arts Month

July is National Culinary Arts Month!  It is a time to celebrate the professional chefs and cooks who create the incredibly tasty food that I so often over indulge in.  The question is, how do you celebrate a chef?  It seems wrong to cook for them especially since they do it better than you anyway.  I doubt they want your dry ass brownies.  Perhaps the solution is to patronize their restaurants, bakeries and other establishments or buy them some new cutlery.   Or you could watch Blood Diner, the story of George and Michael Tutman and their quest to raise Shetar with the help of their dead Uncle Anwar.  So order your favorite meal, settle in and watch Blood Diner.  Just don't; send the Tutman brothers any new knives.

Clip

https://youtu.be/nhLvTnvsp50

The Questions

Jon: You are neither young nor impressionable right?

Sandy: I’m young compared to someone who’s older than I am. Impressionable... maybe? If every movie had a warning blurb like that before it started, think of how many total idiots would still be around to cause traffic jams and longer lines everywhere we went... no more warnings, let evolution do it’s thing.

Jon: I’m not young but I might be impressionable so I almost turned the movie off at that warning but I decided that the warning was enough for me to understand not to do any of the things that happen in the movie.  If you had kids do you think they would need to know if you ran out of damn tampons?  

Sandy: They’d know because I’d be sending them into the store to get more for me. If they’d gone with their mother, Uncle Anwar wouldn’t have been able to get to them. That’s just bad parenting on Mom’s part. Whose brother do you think Uncle Anwar was, Mom or Dad?

Jon: I lean toward him being a paternal relative.  Mom didn’t have any sort of accent but Anwar does.  And his last name was Namtut which anagrams to the brother’s last name Tutman.  Why was he holding his genitals as he fled?

Sandy: Haha, that was one of my favorite lines in the movie. “Lunatic on the loose. Seen with meat cleaver in one hand and his genitals in the other.” I mean, maybe it was to protect his junk if he fell crotch-first onto the meat cleaver? What weapon and body part would you hold in each hand if you were on the run?

Jon:  Maybe a machete and genitals doesn’t seem like a bad answer.  If I’m running with a machete there’s a very good chance I’ll trip and cut something off so the hand would be a layer of protection.  Uncle Anwar seems well adjusted huh?

Sandy: He was really sweet to the brothers when they were kids, but later on he was a bit of a cunt. I get it though. How annoyed would you be if someone brought you back to life, but you were just a brain with eyes in a jar? (NO WEINER, JON. JUST A BRAIN WITH EYES AND SOMEHOW THE ABILITY TO SPEAK OUT LOUD.)

Jon:  If the plan is to eventually put my brain into a new body, I would tolerate it for a bit although what choice is there at that point?  I'm a brain and eyes in a jar.  I’m at the whim of whoever put me there.  I’ll be back on your head stone prophetic or tacky?

Sandy: Well, in Uncle Anwar’s case I’d say both, and also a little bit braggy honestly. Did his brain/eyes pop out of his head like a fucking Jack-in-the-Box, or did I have a mini stroke during the cemetery scene?

Jon: As much as I would like to imagine that these movies are giving you mini strokes, his eyes did just pop out.  Does that cop’s shirt only have 3 buttons?

Sandy: I couldn’t get myself to accept the idea that that douche was a cop for most of the movie. Potential date rapist? Yes. None of the cops seemed very professional though... they were picking up body parts without gloves on.

Jon:  I don’t see the problem with that but that guy seriously needs some manscaping.  How do you spell boofay?  Phoebe Buffay?  Jimmy Buffett?

Sandy: Buffet the Vampire Slayer?

Jon: Warren Buffett?  Does Horatio aka Vitamin C look like a veggie burger connoisseur?

Sandy: What the fuck is wrong with that dude? George punched him straight in the face and he came back for more, telling Michael he was bringing them more customers. Then George attacked him AGAIN another time, he projectile puked all over the restaurant and other customers, and then just STAYED AND STARTED REFILLING HIS STOMACH?? 

Jon: That’s how you party, Sandy.  Drink or eat until you puke and then fill it back up.  Officer Chest Hair spraining his tongue trying to seduce his new partner is a nice touch?

Sandy: Speaking of tongues, how about that moving pile of severed naked aerobics chick tongues? If I cut someone’s tongue out, will it keep moving and regrow a person eventually? 

Jon: Yes.  The human tongue is very much like a starfish.  George is definitely not capable of serious is he?

Sandy: George threw that cemetery security guard over the grave like a fucking rag doll, but other than extreme violence he doesn’t seem capable of much of anything. What’s your go-to tool when pressing burgers on the grill, your bare fucking hand like George, or are you a somewhat more civilized chef?

Jon: Oh neither.  You aren’t supposed to do that.  It presses the juices out of the burger leaving you with dry meat.  What do you think the secret ingredient is in Tuesday Surprise?

Sandy: Your mom’s labia. (I’m just kidding Susan, you are lovely and amazing.)

Jon: It most certainly is not that.  And Michael isn’t going to be good at celibacy is he?

Sandy: Is the definition of celibacy for their purposes specific to actual P in V penetration, or is it any type of fooling around? Because if it’s not specific he already failed.

Jon: The definition involves no intercourse so he barely pulled it off.  Are they ill fit for this task?

Sandy: They did surprisingly well, considering how incredibly sloppy and useless they seemed to be.

Jon: Seriously, are all his shirts missing buttons?

Sandy: I felt like he was wearing a man’s figure skating costume for the whole movie. Not quite as bad as Michael’s outfit when they went to the club for some hoes though.

Jon: Some of the wardrobe decisions are fascinating.  Does murdering a bouncer always get laughs and admittance to the club?

Sandy: I was wondering the same thing!?! A car BOUNCED off the dude’s head. Oh wait... I get it... because he was a BOUNCER, right?!

Jon: Ha I completely missed that connection.  Ever get in an argument with a mannequin?

Sandy: What the fuck was that thing? The cops could hear it speaking, but it was clearly stolen from a display at the mall. No mannequin arguments for me, but I have apologized to one after accidentally bumping into it.

Jon: Mannequins are dicks.  Always looking at you with that blank stare, internally judging you.  Fuck mannequins.  Did Sheba develop an accent halfway through the movie?

Sandy: I thought I heard that shit too.

Jon: How awesome is Anwar’s Brain’s phone call?

Sandy: I’m actually having trouble remembering that reference. I do find it curious that their competitor seemed to give zero shits about a jarred talking brain with eyes, other than asking it for the secret recipe though.

Jon: He was very calm for having discovered a talking brain.  Is George just a guy who enjoys seeing someone get hit by a vehicle?

Sandy: George is a guy with an appreciation for all violence of any kind, especially if he’s able to participate.

Jon: Does Michael look like dime store John Stamos?

Sandy: Yes! With a little Christian Slater thrown in there too.

Jon: Should George just focus on pro wrestling and not murder?

Sandy: I was having flashbacks of the infamous Tyson-Holyfield fight. Who would you root for in that wrestling match, George or Little Jimmy Hitler?

Jon: Jimmy Hitler is totally a character that Vince McMahon would have tried to create.  Oh wait.  There’s a story that he did try to create a frozen Nazi.  I would root for George though.  George would have been a perfect pro wrestler.  Should a cook in a greasy spoon wear a chef’s hat?

Sandy: Listen, any person who can turn actual human fingers into passable “fish finger surprise” so efficiently deserves to wear a chef’s hat.

Jon: He just doesn’t like buttons does he?

Sandy: Maybe he suffers from Koumpounophobia. (That’s the official name for “the fear of buttons”.

Jon: Educating the people.  I had no idea that was an actual thing.  Will screaming Shetar wake up actually wake Shetar up?

Sandy: She did wake up, so... maybe?

Jon: Why is Shetar’s abdomen a vagina with teeth?

Sandy: George might have been in charge of sewing the vagina on, in which case it makes perfect sense because he’s George.

Jon: Why do Michael and George have Shetar kill everyone except the cops who pose the greatest threat?

Sandy: Were they controlling that or was she just going balls out from awakening with a toothy twat tummy in a club filled with Nazi cannibals? My second favorite line in the movie, which I feel compelled to mention now, was when the police chief guy said “Is everybody dead? Good, you two did a fine job.”

Jon: They were onstage pointing at people for her to electrocute so I think they did.  They just seemed too caught up in the fun of having Shetar and lost track of the real danger.

Sandy: JON, I HAVE AN IMPORTANT QUESTION FOR YOU... do you think that we’d be able to knock off someone’s freshly deep-fried head with a broom? FOLLOW UP QUESTION; Can we please set up that experiment?

Jon:  I think we could knock a deep-fried head off a body with a broom but I can’t try it.  I already said that the warning at the beginning of the movie would prevent me from trying any of these things and well, fuck it, let’s deep fry a head and whack that shit like a crunchy pinata.

Sandy: Would you take a woman home after she revealed a full set of razor sharp spike teeth?

Jon: No no no.  Not a chance.  Although she was really hot until she opened her mouth and showed her massive piranha teeth.  But no.  Well maybe.

 

Lessons

1. Don’t fuck around when you have work to do.  Get the job done and then fuck around.  Especially if you’re resurrecting an ancient evil.

2. Tongue seduction is gross. Seriously, no one over the age of 12 is going to be attracted to you flopping your tongue around like a fish out of water.  You look like a fool.

3. Don’t let your schlong do the thinking.  It doesn’t even have a brain.  It definitely should not be responsible for any decision making because it only knows one thing.

4. Don’t stick your gross hands in the free sample food and grab handfuls.  Use a fucking fork.  Your hands are gross.  You probably didn’t wash them well enough.  Stop it.

5. Don’t lose the brain you dug up to guide you through a ritual.  It’s a very specific lesson.  Most of us are never going to need to dig up our uncle’s brain so it can guide us through a ritual but look at the brain as any type of guide or instruction manual.  You need it so keep it somewhere safe like the kitchen drawer with all the other stuff you don’t have a place for.