July is Independent Retailer Month. It is a month-long celebration of the small businesses we all claim to support as we order more stuff on Amazon. One of the other big competitors to the independent retailer has long been the mall with all the large chain stores in one convenient location but now some malls have become havens for smaller retailers. Think about it. It’s very likely your local mall still has some big chains but mixed in is a Native American Art store, 700 cell phone accessory booths and a clothing store with clothes that are a couple seasons out of fashion. To celebrate, we watched Chopping Mall. When the mall unleashes its fleet of robot security guards during a thunderstorm, a group of young adults, gathered to have a sex party in a furniture store, are in peril when the robots go on a killing spree. So close the Amazon App, try Etsy and settle in and watch Chopping Mall with us.
Trailer
Questions
Jon: Why are criminals’ shirts always grease stained?
Sandy: I don’t know, but if grease stains are an indicator of criminal intent, they’d better all be watching out for that pizza chef. Speaking of the pizza chef, how do you like your pizza... with garlic and mushrooms, or olives and EXTRA cigarette ash?
Jon: As tempting as olives and extra ash is, I am on strict doctor’s orders to stay off of cigarette ash. Was Robocop a better slime intervention robot?
Sandy: I actually have not watched Robocop, but I’m going to say yes? Mainly because I’m assuming he isn’t just killing random people who haven’t done something terrible to someone else? I think what these robots really needed were giant googley eyes like that fucking thing that inexplicably rolls around Stop & Shop. What the fuck is that thing anyway? Do you think it has lasers and knife hands for “dealing with” unruly customers or supermarket criminals when no one else is around?
Jon: I kind of viewed the robots as being designed by the people who created Johnny Five from Short Circuit and that this is what Johnny Five was truly meant to be. Lasers and knives are crucial for crowd control at a mall. You worked Black Friday, wouldn’t it have been great to have a couple of these guys? Did you notice the name of the restaurant owners?
Sandy: I thought I did, but since I can’t remember them right now, please tell me!! Did you notice that the custodian was Mr. Futterman from Gremlins?! I love that guy so much.
Jon: The restaurant owners were the Blands. Dick Fucking Miller was the custodian. He is a God and I love him. The actor that plays Greg is Ed Helms dad Fred right?
Sandy: Haha, I was trying to figure out who it was he reminded me of!
Jon: Should a married couple be going to sex parties in a mall furniture store?
Sandy: I mean, if that’s what they’re into I say go for it. But generally speaking I don’t think anyone should be going to sex parties at a mall furniture store. No one wants to buy a couch that already has a jizz stain on it.
Jon: I always do. You can usually get a great discount on the jizz stained furniture. That chair you sat on the other night was $15 because of stains. Is there anything more awkward than being caught by your girlfriend’s dad or boyfriend’s mom?
Sandy: Maybe catching your girlfriend’s dad or boyfriend’s mom masturbating to their own high school yearbook photo? Actually, I think Suzie laying on the ground in front of the robot, just screaming and not trying to get herself out of the way at all might be more awkward than anything else we’ve mentioned. I liked her up until she started pulling all of that dopey shit. Do you have as much trouble as I do mustering empathy for someone as stupid and panicked as Suzie? Would you kill her on purpose in a zombie apocalypse to save everyone else, since she would clearly slow the entire group down or give your hiding spots away with her ENDLESS SCREAMING?
Jon: Her helplessness was painful. She definitely could have got away if she hadn’t screamed and panicked so much. She was also pretty obnoxious before all that. Why does Alison believe she’ll regret this in the morning?
Sandy: I don’t know man, being dragged to a party in a wide open glass-fronted mall furniture store, where a group of people you’ve never met will be loudly fucking their significant others on beds and couches all around you sounds like... fun? In all seriousness though, I’ll bet she did regret that shit.
Jon: It’s the ideal way to spend a Saturday night. Popped Collars- Need a comeback or No Way?
Sandy: I thought they were already back? Or that they had never left, for the yacht crowd at least. What I’d really like to know is, do you think the auditions for the two louder furniture store employees had a minimum tooth size requirement? Like any actor trying out to be one of those two characters must have front teeth that are at least 4 inches long? And does Mike ever not have gum in his mouth? Do you think he needs to chew that gum constantly to keep his teeth from growing through the bottom of his jaw?
Jon: I think tooth size was probably a coincidence. I can’t imagine a casting call looking for 2 large toothed douches but maybe. I think Mike chews gum all the time because it is nearly impossible to keep his breath fresh around those giant chompers. Why does no one button shirts all the way up?
Sandy: Koumpounophobia?
Jon: Did you see B. Dalton?
Sandy: Only in my dreams. I was actually looking for it, but I’m not sure that I saw it. I still have the B.Dalton “D” in my studio. What kind of mall goes on that kind of extreme lockdown at night?? Could you imagine if the JV Mall had metal walls that slammed shut all over the place like it was prepping for a zombie apocalypse every night?
Jon: You missed it! B. Dalton was definitely there. A mall with those gates in a zombie apocalypse is a dream come true. It would be pretty safe and you’d have all that mall stuff to sustain you even a paint store! Ferdy and Alison are kind of cute together but is orgasmic moaning the right soundtrack for a first date?
Sandy: Haha, I love Alison so casually saying “they’re having a fun time” like it’s not super fucking weird to be in the middle of a furniture store with people fucking all around you in stereo. By the way, who fucking names their kid Ferdy?
Jon: Ferdy might be short for Ferdinand and if that’s the case, calling him Ferdy is a better option. He definitely isn’t Ferdinand material. Would you ever walk around a mall without shoes on?
Sandy: SHE ALSO WASN’T WEARING PANTS, JON. No pants beats no shoes. But no, I can barely handle taking my shoes off to try new ones on at the mall.
Jon: No shoes in a mall is way worse than no pants. People are savages and there’s no way of knowing what gross shit you’re going to step in on a mall floor. Unless you plan to roll around on the mall floor, no pants is a much smaller problem. Do most couples only have sex and fight?
Sandy: I’m pretty sure it’s all I’ve ever done in a relationship... hahahahahahahaaaaaaaagggghhhhhhhrrrrggggggghhhhh....
Jon: Does the shadow of a Protector look like E.T.?
Sandy: Oh man, kind of yes! By the way, would you feel comfortable sitting in a room or anywhere for that matter with your back to three of those fucking things like those two scientist(?) guys?
Jon: Fuck no! I wouldn’t let 3 E.T.s sit behind me like that either. Should you get in a gun/laser fight with robots while holding a propane tank?
Sandy: Yes definitely. Maybe. I mean, getting into a gun/laser fight with robots just generally sounds pretty rad. When the robots held their little arms up, did they remind you of photos of crabs with their claws raised above their heads? Because that’s what it reminded me of and it’s so fucking cute. I’d die from standing there trying to snuggle it when one of them did that.
Jon: Absolutely. They also reminded me of little kids running around with their arms up and waving. That is by far the least intimidating thing a killer robot could do. Does the elevator move faster if you repeatedly press the button?
Sandy: Of course. That’s why everyone does it, right? Also, wasn’t the elevator’s power turned off for the night?
Jon: It was but Ferdy the electrician managed to rewire the power somehow. I don;t know how. I can barely change a lightbulb. Do you think Alison just wants to get away from Ferdy for a few minutes with her frequent suggestions to split up?
Sandy: Maybe that mouth spray he used earlier wore off.
Jon: What’s worse- the killer robot or ugly spiders and snakes?
Sandy: The killer robot for sure. Though it was hilarious that the spiders were all on her when she got up. Were you as irritated as I was when she chose to hide in the pet shop and potentially put all of those animals' lives at risk?
Jon: I’m pretty sure those animals are in more danger from the people who own the pet store than from Alison and killer robots. They freed some of them. That robot’s head fell off pretty easily didn’t it? Maybe they should have tried knocking the heads off?
Sandy: If only they had led the robots one at a time into the pizza place and deep fried the heads, then they could have knocked them off with a broom! Or even just threw a blanket over their heads or a bag. Or disguised themselves as large boxes or garbage cans to sneak out of the mall... Or even just stayed hidden behind something that wasn’t an easily shatter-able glass fucking window. Or hidden in a cluttered area and blocked any clear pathways with random crap so they couldn’t roll through to get to them? There are so many ways they could have stayed safe for the night, but I guess there wouldn’t have been much of a movie if they’d done that. What the fuck was Linda calculating while they were hiding out in the restaurant?
Jon: She was figuring out how many years it would take them to pay for all the damages to the mall and how many lube jobs it would take to raise that much money.
Sandy: Have you ever answered a random ringing payphone? Do you think we need to explain to people what payphones are?
Jon: I haven’t answered a random ringing payphone in years, I haven’t answered many randomly ringing cell phones either. I don’t think we’re quite to the point where we need to fully explain payphones but for those who need it- a payphone required you to insert a coin, 25 cents most recently but as little as a nickel, and then you would get 3 minutes to talk before you would have to pay more.
Sandy: Did you catch Suzie’s dance at the furniture store when the party first started? If so, please explain what you think her artistic motives were behind those moves.
Jon: Seduction? Comedy? Idiocy? All of the above?
Sandy: Do robots bleed in real life?
Jon: Yes. 10W30 in the winter and 10W40 in the summer.
Sandy: How many windows did they shatter throughout the movie? Do you think someone’s uncle owned a glass store and they were like “LET’S TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THIS OPPORTUNITY”? Do you think that’s the entire reason they even made the movie in the first place?
Jon: Have you ever broken a window? It’s a lot of fun. They absolutely broke as many as possible whether they knew someone who could replace them or not and probably the whole reason for making the movie. Let’s go break some windows!
Lessons
If lightning will crash the programming on your robots you should not use robots. Without a lightning safeguard, you risk frequent murderous malfunctions of you robot security force.
Just hire people to do jobs. Stop with the robots. Automation steals jobs from people and as you can see, it also leads to killer robots.
Don’t follow the suggestions of the panicked member of the group. Those suggestions are dangerous. Panicked brains come to poor conclusions. Leave the decisions to the calmer people.
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