July is National Culinary Arts Month! It is a time to celebrate the professional chefs and cooks who create the incredibly tasty food that I so often over indulge in. The question is, how do you celebrate a chef? It seems wrong to cook for them especially since they do it better than you anyway. I doubt they want your dry ass brownies. Perhaps the solution is to patronize their restaurants, bakeries and other establishments or buy them some new cutlery. Or you could watch Blood Diner, the story of George and Michael Tutman and their quest to raise Shetar with the help of their dead Uncle Anwar. So order your favorite meal, settle in and watch Blood Diner. Just don't; send the Tutman brothers any new knives.
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The Questions
Jon: You are neither young nor impressionable right?
Sandy: I’m young compared to someone who’s older than I am. Impressionable... maybe? If every movie had a warning blurb like that before it started, think of how many total idiots would still be around to cause traffic jams and longer lines everywhere we went... no more warnings, let evolution do it’s thing.
Jon: I’m not young but I might be impressionable so I almost turned the movie off at that warning but I decided that the warning was enough for me to understand not to do any of the things that happen in the movie. If you had kids do you think they would need to know if you ran out of damn tampons?
Sandy: They’d know because I’d be sending them into the store to get more for me. If they’d gone with their mother, Uncle Anwar wouldn’t have been able to get to them. That’s just bad parenting on Mom’s part. Whose brother do you think Uncle Anwar was, Mom or Dad?
Jon: I lean toward him being a paternal relative. Mom didn’t have any sort of accent but Anwar does. And his last name was Namtut which anagrams to the brother’s last name Tutman. Why was he holding his genitals as he fled?
Sandy: Haha, that was one of my favorite lines in the movie. “Lunatic on the loose. Seen with meat cleaver in one hand and his genitals in the other.” I mean, maybe it was to protect his junk if he fell crotch-first onto the meat cleaver? What weapon and body part would you hold in each hand if you were on the run?
Jon: Maybe a machete and genitals doesn’t seem like a bad answer. If I’m running with a machete there’s a very good chance I’ll trip and cut something off so the hand would be a layer of protection. Uncle Anwar seems well adjusted huh?
Sandy: He was really sweet to the brothers when they were kids, but later on he was a bit of a cunt. I get it though. How annoyed would you be if someone brought you back to life, but you were just a brain with eyes in a jar? (NO WEINER, JON. JUST A BRAIN WITH EYES AND SOMEHOW THE ABILITY TO SPEAK OUT LOUD.)
Jon: If the plan is to eventually put my brain into a new body, I would tolerate it for a bit although what choice is there at that point? I'm a brain and eyes in a jar. I’m at the whim of whoever put me there. I’ll be back on your head stone prophetic or tacky?
Sandy: Well, in Uncle Anwar’s case I’d say both, and also a little bit braggy honestly. Did his brain/eyes pop out of his head like a fucking Jack-in-the-Box, or did I have a mini stroke during the cemetery scene?
Jon: As much as I would like to imagine that these movies are giving you mini strokes, his eyes did just pop out. Does that cop’s shirt only have 3 buttons?
Sandy: I couldn’t get myself to accept the idea that that douche was a cop for most of the movie. Potential date rapist? Yes. None of the cops seemed very professional though... they were picking up body parts without gloves on.
Jon: I don’t see the problem with that but that guy seriously needs some manscaping. How do you spell boofay? Phoebe Buffay? Jimmy Buffett?
Sandy: Buffet the Vampire Slayer?
Jon: Warren Buffett? Does Horatio aka Vitamin C look like a veggie burger connoisseur?
Sandy: What the fuck is wrong with that dude? George punched him straight in the face and he came back for more, telling Michael he was bringing them more customers. Then George attacked him AGAIN another time, he projectile puked all over the restaurant and other customers, and then just STAYED AND STARTED REFILLING HIS STOMACH??
Jon: That’s how you party, Sandy. Drink or eat until you puke and then fill it back up. Officer Chest Hair spraining his tongue trying to seduce his new partner is a nice touch?
Sandy: Speaking of tongues, how about that moving pile of severed naked aerobics chick tongues? If I cut someone’s tongue out, will it keep moving and regrow a person eventually?
Jon: Yes. The human tongue is very much like a starfish. George is definitely not capable of serious is he?
Sandy: George threw that cemetery security guard over the grave like a fucking rag doll, but other than extreme violence he doesn’t seem capable of much of anything. What’s your go-to tool when pressing burgers on the grill, your bare fucking hand like George, or are you a somewhat more civilized chef?
Jon: Oh neither. You aren’t supposed to do that. It presses the juices out of the burger leaving you with dry meat. What do you think the secret ingredient is in Tuesday Surprise?
Sandy: Your mom’s labia. (I’m just kidding Susan, you are lovely and amazing.)
Jon: It most certainly is not that. And Michael isn’t going to be good at celibacy is he?
Sandy: Is the definition of celibacy for their purposes specific to actual P in V penetration, or is it any type of fooling around? Because if it’s not specific he already failed.
Jon: The definition involves no intercourse so he barely pulled it off. Are they ill fit for this task?
Sandy: They did surprisingly well, considering how incredibly sloppy and useless they seemed to be.
Jon: Seriously, are all his shirts missing buttons?
Sandy: I felt like he was wearing a man’s figure skating costume for the whole movie. Not quite as bad as Michael’s outfit when they went to the club for some hoes though.
Jon: Some of the wardrobe decisions are fascinating. Does murdering a bouncer always get laughs and admittance to the club?
Sandy: I was wondering the same thing!?! A car BOUNCED off the dude’s head. Oh wait... I get it... because he was a BOUNCER, right?!
Jon: Ha I completely missed that connection. Ever get in an argument with a mannequin?
Sandy: What the fuck was that thing? The cops could hear it speaking, but it was clearly stolen from a display at the mall. No mannequin arguments for me, but I have apologized to one after accidentally bumping into it.
Jon: Mannequins are dicks. Always looking at you with that blank stare, internally judging you. Fuck mannequins. Did Sheba develop an accent halfway through the movie?
Sandy: I thought I heard that shit too.
Jon: How awesome is Anwar’s Brain’s phone call?
Sandy: I’m actually having trouble remembering that reference. I do find it curious that their competitor seemed to give zero shits about a jarred talking brain with eyes, other than asking it for the secret recipe though.
Jon: He was very calm for having discovered a talking brain. Is George just a guy who enjoys seeing someone get hit by a vehicle?
Sandy: George is a guy with an appreciation for all violence of any kind, especially if he’s able to participate.
Jon: Does Michael look like dime store John Stamos?
Sandy: Yes! With a little Christian Slater thrown in there too.
Jon: Should George just focus on pro wrestling and not murder?
Sandy: I was having flashbacks of the infamous Tyson-Holyfield fight. Who would you root for in that wrestling match, George or Little Jimmy Hitler?
Jon: Jimmy Hitler is totally a character that Vince McMahon would have tried to create. Oh wait. There’s a story that he did try to create a frozen Nazi. I would root for George though. George would have been a perfect pro wrestler. Should a cook in a greasy spoon wear a chef’s hat?
Sandy: Listen, any person who can turn actual human fingers into passable “fish finger surprise” so efficiently deserves to wear a chef’s hat.
Jon: He just doesn’t like buttons does he?
Sandy: Maybe he suffers from Koumpounophobia. (That’s the official name for “the fear of buttons”.
Jon: Educating the people. I had no idea that was an actual thing. Will screaming Shetar wake up actually wake Shetar up?
Sandy: She did wake up, so... maybe?
Jon: Why is Shetar’s abdomen a vagina with teeth?
Sandy: George might have been in charge of sewing the vagina on, in which case it makes perfect sense because he’s George.
Jon: Why do Michael and George have Shetar kill everyone except the cops who pose the greatest threat?
Sandy: Were they controlling that or was she just going balls out from awakening with a toothy twat tummy in a club filled with Nazi cannibals? My second favorite line in the movie, which I feel compelled to mention now, was when the police chief guy said “Is everybody dead? Good, you two did a fine job.”
Jon: They were onstage pointing at people for her to electrocute so I think they did. They just seemed too caught up in the fun of having Shetar and lost track of the real danger.
Sandy: JON, I HAVE AN IMPORTANT QUESTION FOR YOU... do you think that we’d be able to knock off someone’s freshly deep-fried head with a broom? FOLLOW UP QUESTION; Can we please set up that experiment?
Jon: I think we could knock a deep-fried head off a body with a broom but I can’t try it. I already said that the warning at the beginning of the movie would prevent me from trying any of these things and well, fuck it, let’s deep fry a head and whack that shit like a crunchy pinata.
Sandy: Would you take a woman home after she revealed a full set of razor sharp spike teeth?
Jon: No no no. Not a chance. Although she was really hot until she opened her mouth and showed her massive piranha teeth. But no. Well maybe.
Lessons
Don’t fuck around when you have work to do. Get the job done and then fuck around. Especially if you’re resurrecting an ancient evil.
Tongue seduction is gross. Seriously, no one over the age of 12 is going to be attracted to you flopping your tongue around like a fish out of water. You look like a fool.
Don’t let your schlong do the thinking. It doesn’t even have a brain. It definitely should not be responsible for any decision making because it only knows one thing.
Don’t stick your gross hands in the free sample food and grab handfuls. Use a fucking fork. Your hands are gross. You probably didn’t wash them well enough. Stop it.
Don’t lose the brain you dug up to guide you through a ritual. It’s a very specific lesson. Most of us are never going to need to dig up our uncle’s brain so it can guide us through a ritual but look at the brain as any type of guide or instruction manual. You need it so keep it somewhere safe like the kitchen drawer with all the other stuff you don’t have a place for.
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