Happy Black Friday?

It’s back!! The most horrifying horror blog in the world returns today after an extended mental break, Thanksgiving weekend has brought it back. Thanksgiving, though, is not the day I’m celebrating. Sure there are plenty of great horror movies set on Thanksgiving like Blood Rage and Thankskilling 1 and 3(there isn’t a 2, watch 3 and it might make sense). There’s even a bunch of monster movies I could have watched. When I was a kid, one of the local stations ran King Kong and Mighty Joe Young on Thanksgiving so I always watch something with giant monsters on the holiday.

No the day I chose to celebrate in the blog is… BLACK FRIDAY!!! The day after being thankful for what we have, Americans cram themselves into retail stores and beat each other up for a deal on a shitty television that you don’t even need while the 30 pounds of turkey you stuffed into your face the day before causes you to let loose some noxious tryptophan farts. In fact, we are no longer able to wait until Friday. We have become so desperate for $100 laptops that we will ditch our families and go wait on line at WalMart. It’s so crazy we’ve even extended it to Saturday and Monday but I digress. Let’s celebrate Black Friday and our insane consumerist blood lust with the classic… Chopping Mall.

The Movie
Chopping Mall opens with Dr. Stan Simon introducing a group of skeptical mall store owners to their new security force- robots that look like Johnny 5 from Short Circuit if he hung out at the Mobil all you can eat buffet. The robots, called Protectors, are cutting edge security controlled by technicians and a high tech box on the roof of the mall. The demonstration is very impressive though a couple sarcastic pricks talk through the whole thing. The robots ill recognize mall employees by their ID badges and will not kill them, making the Park Plaza Mall the safest in the nation- as long as lightning doesn’t strike the control box on the highest point of the mall.

Alison and Suzie are waitresses at the high class mall eatery. Suzie is very excited for the after hours, mall party her boyfriend Greg and his pals Mike and Ferdy are planning to throw in the furniture store. Mike is bringing his girlfriend Leslie. Mike is not a tender lover nor is he particularly subtle about it. He is caught pawing Leslie in her father’s store but daddy seems to barely notice. Ferdy and Suzie are going to meet for the first time, a blind date at a mall party- how romantic. Rick and Linda, newlyweds, are also coming to the mall furniture store party. Apparently, mall parties are very exciting for 1980s twentysomethings. The party quickly devolves into a sex club with everyone bumping uglies except Ferdy and Suzie who are sitting on the couch watching horror movies. Did I mention how much I like these two? Of course, lightning strikes the control panel and the laser shooting, non-ID recognizing fat Protectors are no longer controllable and go on a killing spree. Our heroic twentysomething, mall partiers are left to stop them, an effort that includes breaking into Peckinpah”s Sporting Goods for guns none of them can shoot and crawling around in air ducts. Can the twentysomethings survive a night trapped with the Protectors? Why would you arm mall security guard robots with lasers? Why are adults having a party in a mall furniture store?

Why I Chose This Movie
There are dozens of horror movies set in malls and stores some of which I like even more than Chopping Mall. The original Dawn of the Dead is right at the top of that list but most of you know that movie. Instead, I wanted to highlight something a little less well known and Chopping Mall fits. The movie is so 1980s, hairstyles, fashion, attitudes and that makes it amazing.

Lessons

• Do not replace people with robots especially mall security guards. If they malfunction, the robots will kill everyone. Malfunctioning human security guards will just harass teenagers and maybe fall off their Segways.
• Do not have parties at the mall. Get a hotel room, a friend’s house or a campground like normal people. Being drunk at a mall is no fun trust me. The lighting sucks and the people are annoying. Also it’s a little weird if you have sex on the display furniture and beds. The only exception is if it’s a little kid party and you want to.. No even that is not right.
• Do not be a fucking savage at the mall. If you drop garbage, pick it up. Mall custodians should not have to clean up the crap your lazy ass dropped. Bend at the knees and pick it up. Seriously, people who leave their messes behind piss me off.
• Do not smoke. Smoking will kill you and the people around you. Not just secondhand smoke either but they’ll get killed by laser-shooting, fat mall security guard robots when they go to buy you a pack.

Night of the Living Dead

The world changed 50 years ago- October 1, 1968. On that date, Night of the Living Dead was unleashed on an unsuspecting public launching a new American nightmare- the zombie, even though George Romero called them ghouls in their first appearance. Sure there were voodoo zombie movies before but Night of the Living Dead redefined the monster as undead and cannibalistic. In honor of the 50th anniversary and to kick off the October horror madness, I watched the classic.

The Movie
If you’re reading this blog, you probably know the story. Siblings Johnny and Barbra have driven three hours to lay a wreath on the grave of their father. This is an annual tradition, apparently forced upon Johnny by their mother, that he absolutely loathes. In fact, most of his time is spent complaining about the task. The drive is too long. He doesn't even remember what he looks like. Why doesn’t mom drive out herself? Do the cemetery workers steal the wreaths, clean them and resell them? Johnny does find one thing to amuse himself- Barbra is still as afraid of the cemetery as she was as a child. When he see a man staggering toward them, Johnny takes the opportunity to exploit this fear telling Barbra “They’re coming to get you Barbra.” If you’ve seen the movie, you can hear his voice saying it. Turns out, the joke is all to real and the man attacks Barbra. Johnny jumps in to rescue her but in the scuffle, his head hits a tombstone and Johnny is dead, for now. Barbra runs to the car but realizes that Johnny has the keys. As the man is about to get into the car, she pulls the brake and the car rolls down the hill- straight into a tree. Barbra flees on foot now and finds an isolated farmhouse.

Soon Barbra is joined in the house by Ben who has barely escaped his own encounter with the ghouls. The creatures are never once referred to as zombies and the origin is never clearly stated. Ben quickly takes charge while a traumatized Barbra struggles to cope with the tragedy. Ben kills some ghouls and boards the house. Ben get Barbra to calm down a little as they exchange stories but soon she is hysterical again and hits Ben. Ben hits her back. He may be a hero but he is flawed. Ben also finds a radio and the news is bad. This is not an isolated incident and people are eating other people. As Ben finishes boarding the house, people emerge from the basement- the Coopers, Harry, Helen and their sick daughter Karen and Tom and Judy. Harry Cooper is a colossal douchebag and he and Ben soon butt heads over the best way for them to stay safe. Harry prefers staying in the basement but Ben sees the that as a last resort because there would be no escape. The outlook is bleak as the house is now surrounded by ghouls. Can the group come together to survive? FUCK just watch it if you haven’t already and if you have watch it again.

How It Fits I With the Day/ Why Did I Choose This Movie
IT”S THE 50th ANNIVERSARY!!! Night of the Living Dead is one of the greatest horror films ever made. NO DOUBT. NO QUESTION! You can watch it just for the scares and the horror. It’s plenty gory. But Night of the Living Dead is so much more. Ben is among the first African American heroes in horror at the height of the Civil Rights Movement. George Romero said many times he cast the best actor and was not making a political, racial statement but the movie made it powerfully clear that an African American could be a hero. There are just so many levels on which this is a significant movie. And I love George Romero. And I bonded with my wife before we ever met over Romero and zombies.

Lessons

• If your loved one gets bit/ killed by a ghoul you have to burn them. It may seem harsh. It may be sad but if they bite you, you’ll wish you had.
• Do not shoot gas pumps or use gas near open flames even if ghouls are afraid of fire. You need to control the flames. Otherwise you’re human barbecue.
• Sometimes locking yourself in the basement ALONE is a good idea. Not just in case of zombies but anytime the world is too crazy. As long as there’s no mold but that’s a different movie.
• If you find someone who loves Romero like you do, marry them. Shared love of zombies is vital to a successful horror marriage. And really Romero is a God and if she doesn’t like him, keep searching.

Double Farm Weeks!!!

Happy National Farm Animals Awareness Week! Oh, wait and Happy National Farm and Ranch Safety and Health Awareness Week! Seems as though they should have spread these weeks out a little so as to maximize the celebration of farming. How do you celebrate these weeks anyway? Buy the pigs some new slop and fix that broken piece of fence around their sty? If only there was a movie that could honor both of these occasions. Of course there is and that movie is Black Sheep! No not the Chris Farley/ David Spade sort of sequel to Tommy Boy. That’s not a true horror movie but New Zealand’s Black Sheep? That’s horror. So to celebrate, I watched a movie with farm animals run amuck and so should you.

The Movie

Angus and Henry Oldfield grew up on one of the largest sheep farms in all of New Zealand but Angus is something of an asshole. He kills Henry’s sheep, Dudley, and as if that was not enough, torments him by wearing the skin and scaring him. As if this is not traumatic enough, Angus only stops when they are given the news that their father has died. Fast forward many years and a still shaken Henry is returning to the farm to sell his share to Angus. Needless to say, Henry has tremendous, sheep related anxiety that borders on phobia. In the years since, Angus has grown into an especially charming human being who may or may not be banging his herd. Angus is attempting to elevate the family name into the upper echelons of sheep herding by introducing a new, genetically modified sheep- the Oldfield. While the brothers enjoy a tense reunion, two eco/social justice warriors sneak onto the farm to expose the genetic laboratory on the farm. Grant and Experience sneak into the lab and Grant steals a sheep fetus in a jar. They are seen and flee with Oldfield scientist in hot pursuit. Grant is an idiot and he trips and breaks the jar. Not only has he lost his evidence of the genetic crimes of the Oldfield lab but it turns out the sheep fetus is not dead. The fetus latches onto Grant’s ear in a most Mike Tyson-esque fashion and crawls its way towards the main herd, spreading its odd genetic traits by biting other sheep.

Despite Henry’s phobia, he has agreed to spend a little time with farmhand Tucker. Their drive through the property is disrupted by a sheep in the road. Tucker gets out to try to move it while Henry panics and calls his therapist when they are waylaid by Experience who apparently has none with a rifle. She doesn’t know how to take the safety off and gives Tucker the gun so he can show her. Tucker is smart enough to keep the rifle. As Experience lectures them on the evil of the farm and the world, the trio notice smoke on the horizon and rush to the scene. Turns out Mike left has left the stove on and does not appear to be anywhere. They search the house and find bad feng shui, dead Mike and a really pissed off sheep- like head rammed through a door pissed. Tucker shoots it and they run for the truck only to find it surrounded by sheep and Henry freezes. Experience helps Henry ground himself by telling him he’s a tree and other new agey crap about chakras and branches which seems to work and they get to the truck but there’s already an sheep in the cab with Tucker but they speed off anyway. From here things devolve into mammoth woolly mayhem. Will Angus continue to be a baaastard? Can his genetically modified sheep shear the competition? Why does Tucker have a sheep foot? Will Grant be able to hold to his vegetarian principles? Can Experience pay off to save Henry and his new love? Watch Black Sheep and find out!


How It Fits I With the Day/ Why Did I Choose This Movie
With all the farm-based horror to choose from, why Black Sheep? Black Sheep is animal mayhem at its finest. It balances a sense of humor with the gore and scares that any good animal attack movie needs. Cheesy? Sure but also so much fun and it advances the cause of farm animal awareness and farm safety like no other movie could.

Lessons

• Do not sneak onto farms and steal genetic material even if it is for the most noble causes. Forget the criminal aspect. That’s likely the least of your worries. You never know the kind of humanity destroying shit you’ll unleash.
• Always make sure your weapons and tools are ready to use. Take the safety off the rifle, turn the chainsaw on and prime it. The seconds you waste doing it in a sheep crisis could be the difference between life and becoming a human sweater.
• Do not let sheep drive. They can’t. Even if they have been infected by a genetically modified sheep fetus. They did not slip driving ability into the genetic code.
• Pearl Jam album art is an accurate depiction of a sheep apocalypse. Get your copy of Vs. and watch Black Sheep. It will become very clear.
• Do not let crazy scientists conduct genetic experiments. I’m not sure how to feel about the whole GMO thing but if the scientists doing the experimentation are absolutely, sheep shit crazy, they should not be involved.

National Video Games Day

September 12th is National Video Games Day a day to celebrate sitting on your ass, eating snacks and mashing buttons on a game controller for hours and hours. I’m not much of a button mashing kind of guy but the rest of it sounds spectacular so I needed to celebrate the day with a movie. There is definitely no shortage of horror movies based on games. Hell there’s like a thousand Resident Evil movies. There’s even a bunch where games are a major plot point but none of those are Brainscan. And none of them have a villain like the Trickster.

The Movie
Brainscan is the story of Michael a teen obsessed with horror (weren’t we all?), video games, and his next door neighbor Kimberly. We know this very quickly because stares longingly at her from his window as she changes in her room. He also takes pictures of her- not ones she knows he’s taking. Michael is also very tech savvy and has a whole early 90s video call system and a computer that dials for him. When his best friend Kyle reads him a review of a new game called… Brainscan, Michael has to have it. He calls to order it since it will satisfy his sickest desires. The game interacts with his subconscious and he’s all in. The next day at school, Michael shows his horror movie club a particularly gross film called Death Death Death Part 2 which causes the principal to ban the club. Michael is mad but things get better when he gets home to find his Brainscan CD Rom in the mail. Oh and there’s also been a murder in his neighborhood and he meets Detective Hayden played by Frank Langella in an award worthy performance in which he shows off a wide range of emotions… well not so wide a range, really just kind of pissed.

Michael loads the game and the instructions are intense. He is ordered to hide clues and act as though he is a murderer. Michael hesitates but not for long and soon he is in a stranger’s room, killing the man and slicing off his foot. After the game, Michael is exhilarated, celebrating with milk and suddenly he has the courage to talk to Kimberly. He heads over to talk to her but while waiting in her living room (he didn’t break in, her parents let him in), he sees a news report on the murder of a local man- the same man he just killed in the game. He runs off and winds up at the crime scene and another run in with Detective Personality sorry Hayden who shoos him off again. Some twisted logic leads Michael to go play the game again but this time the game sends him an ambassador, The Trickster. The Trickster, a red mohawked man in standard 90s goth clothing, dances for an unimpressed Michael. He also gouges his own eyes, tells Michael there is a witness to the murder he committed and that he is also a witness. Don’t worry Michael, the Trickster won’t tell unless they play country music then he’ll tell everything. As the movie progresses, Michael’s interactions with the Trickster become increasingly strange- Trickster settles in to watch TV- and more violent as he tries to convince Michael to kill Kyle and Kimberly so they can’t rat him out. Michael is pretty fucked but you’ll have to watch Brainscan to see if he extricate himself from his technological nightmare. Will the Trickster eat all of Michael’s food and take over the house like some ginger mohawked, pale Kato Kaelin?- Hey it was a timely reference when the movie was released. WIll Frank Langella’s Detective Hayden portrayal continue to be Oscar-worthy? Will Michael kill the only two people in the world who seem to like him? What the fuck were we wearing in the 90s? Come to think of it, I don’t know the answers either.

How It Fits In With the Day/ Why Did I Choose This Movie
Obviously it’s a movie about the dangers of video games and how they can make you do bad things- nope that’s bullshit. Brainscan was the choice because of the Trickster and Frank Langella. The Trickster is one of the strangest villains of the 90s. He is as much unwanted houseguest as killer and the look is, well, very 90s. Some might say Frank Langella seems uninspired but the range of seriousness he portrays is stunningly small. Brainscan is definitely a product of its era and that’s not always a bad thing.

Lessons

• Don’t bring back 90s fashion. What the fuck was wrong with us? Who thought these looks were cool? Cut off flannel shirts? Those jeans? Just say no to 90s clothes.
• If a strange man comes through your TV and dances for you, let him but make him leave afterwards. Before long, he’ll be watching your TV, eating your food and trying to kill your girl.
• If a CD Rom game promises to fulfill your sickest desires and is delivered to you even when you chicken out and don’t order it, don’t play it. This probably holds true for video cassettes, CDs, 8 tracks or any other outdated media.
• Frank Langella=Legend.

Bowling League Day

September 3rd is Bowling League Day in the United States, a day to celebrate drinking beer and tossing your balls down a lane. Obviously, the preferred form of celebrating is to grab your buddies and your balls and go join a league. Equally obvious by now, I’m not going to go throw balls, I’m going to watch a horror movie and what better way to avoid a gutterball than Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama. Sorority Babes is the perfect game every bowler dreams of.

The Movie
Sorority Girls in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama is the story of college kids doing college kid things that get a bit out of hand. Jimmie, Keith and Calvin are nerdy guys just hanging out watching horror, looking at porno mags and drinking beers or in Calvin’s case- beer. They are craving excitement and girls. They know that tonight is the night the sorority house is initiating its latest pledges and that means naked girls so Jimmie and Keith drag Calvin to go peep on scantily clad sorority girls. Lisa and Taffy are going through their initiation at the hands of Babs, who loves to paddle the initaites, and two other sisters. Plastered Calvin and his buddies get an eyeful of the paddling but that’s not enough so they sneak in to get a better look. Needless to say, they are caught by Babs who alters the initiation to include these three clowns. She orders Lisa, Taffy and the guys to break into the local bowling alley and steal a trophy. Lisa and Taffy will complete their initiation and the guys will not be reported under the Babs Plan so they all comply and head for the bowling alley with Calvin now suffering the nasty effects of one beer- vomit! Babs follows to scare them when the time is right.

This seems like an easy mission for this quintet especially when the bowling alley doors are unlocked. They split up to find a trophy but Calvin finds the real trophy in Spider (Linnea Quigley) who is robbing the place. She does not like Calvin’s friends and she tells them stealing is wrong but these fools do not listen and find a trophy which they then drop. The trophy opens, releasing...Uncle Impy, a fucking imp. Impy offers them a reward for freeing them- wishes granted. Clearly, he is a benevolent imp so there is no way these wishes could sour on them, right? Wrong. Impy is a dick and everything the kids wish for goes awry. And the wishes??? Gold, sex and being prom queen??? Fuck, some of these kids are dumb. But not Spider and Calvin who wisely resist the temptation. As the wishes blow up in their faces, the bowling alley devolves into chaos seen only during midnight bowling. Demon sorority girls and a fucking imp? Nothing could possibly go wrong now. Who can survive the wrath of Uncle Impy? What the fuck is an imp anyway? Can you even stop Impy? Can these fools escape the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama? Why is there not more Spider in this movie? Watch Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama for the answers to these questions.


How It Fits I With the Day/ Why Did I Choose This Movie
Most of the movie is set in a bowling alley so I think it fits. Besides, I make the rules for this blog and I really wanted to add a movie with Linnea Quigley. In Sorority Babes. Linnea Quigley is the bad-ass Spider, a role she is well accustomed to. Linnea Quigley is also one of the longest lasting celebrity crushes I’ve had, starting with her role as Trash in Return of the Living Dead. She is also one of the best B-movie actresses ever so Bowling League Day is hers.

Lessons

• Beer puts hair on your chest and it will make you want to go peep on the local sorority. Drink responsibly. Hairy chests are not that cool and peeping on women is even less cool.

• If you find an imp/genie/demon in a bowling trophy who wants to grant you a wish, it should be a hard pass. There is no way it’s not a trick. He’ll grant your wish but it will definitely have some weird twist to it.

• Do not break and enter. I don’t think you should get your legal advice from this blog but there it is. Nothing good will come from B & E.

• Linnea Quigley is amazing. Did I say that before? Watch anything she’s in. Seriously.

Happy Labor Day

It’s Labor Day!!! Time for us to unofficially say farewell to the summer, kids to go back to school and I to go back to work. It’s also a day to celebrate the working men and women with one final barbecue, fireworks display or beach trip, all in a drunken haze. And so, to celebrate this Labor Day, I watched The Belko Experiment.

The Movie
The Belko Experiment is set in the Bogota offies of a not for profit organization that facilitates some shit for American corporations looking to exploit South American markets. This day, however, is very different. Office hero Mike arrives for work and is met by increased security, including bomb sniffing dogs and heavily armed guards. Then he learns that all the Colombian staff has the day off. None of this worries him enough for him to go home because he is that dedicated to his job. We also meet new employee Dany, who is wondering about the microchip the company implanted in her, Wendell, the office sexual harasser, Leandra, Mike’s office romance and Wendell’s target and Keith who has an ant farm at his desk and has named the ants. Just the kind of guy I want to sit next to for 8 hours a day. Mike is curious enough to call his buddy Evan, the in-building security guy but he knows nothing. As things seem to be normalizing, a voice comes over the intercom with a stunning announcement. The voice tells them that most of them will be dead by the end of the day. They are instructed to kill two people. Before they can escape, the building is sealed by shutters and the wifi and phone lines are dead.

Mike enlists help to escape including Bud the janitor but clearly there is no way out. Mike continues to look for peaceful, non-violent ideas but the situation worsens as the voice informs them that time is up and detonates the microchips of some employees to prove that this is a serious situation. Now they have to kill 30 people or the voice will kill 60. COO Barry Norris and his goon squad start to formulate a plan to achieve this goal while Mike still tries to explore alternatives and other factions form including the stoner conspiracy theorists who come to believe it’s all a poisoned water hallucination Barry and company start sorting the staff into groups to kill while a Spanish version of California Dreamin’ blares on the radio. Surely this plan can’t fail. Certainly the voice will be satisfied by this sacrifice. Death, violence and mayhem ensue. Can anyone survive The Belko Experiment? Shit just watch it and find out.

How It Fits I With the Day/ Why Did I Choose This Movie
The Belko Experiment definitely does not celebrate the American worker but it does highlight some of the charming coworkers you will have at any job. The callous, dickhead of a COO. The sycophantic, ass-kissing middle managers. The ineffective, whiny people who never do anything right. And you - the hero, the one who always gets more than his share of work done with no praise while standing up to the boss and respecting your coworkers. The Belko Experiment is a microcosm of the soulless, meaningless grind of your everyday existence. (Sorry, just a little bummed about having to go back to work).

Lessons

• If one of the requirements of your job is having a tracking microchip embedded in your neck, don’t take the job. You are not an employee, you are property. Your boss will know everywhere you go. No more strip clubs or late night trips to your dealer. And they might put an explosive in that chip and make your head explode.                                                                                           
• Do not let the retired special forces guys form the crisis response team. They could have flashbacks to their service and they will be very difficult to stop if need be.

• The life of migrant workers is not easy. Any employer could be their own personal Belko. Cut them some slack.

• WORK FROM HOME. There will be no chaos other than what you create. Unless you’re into conducting personalized psychological experiments. Don’t do that.

Happy Birthday Frank Henenlotter

August 29th is noted New York schlock horror director Frank Henenlotter’s birthday. Henenlotter films, like Basket Case and Brain Damage, are unique experiences from his gritty vision of New York City to the shocks and humor he fills them with. To celebrate, I watched Frankenhooker which is exactly what it sounds like- a version of Frankenstein with hookers.

The Movie

Frankenhooker opens with our hero Jeffrey Franken conducting experiments on a bodiless brain… in the kitchen… of his fiance’s parents home… during her father’s birthday party. Jeffery seems to be making progress in the area of bodiless brain science but the interruptions by his future mother-in-law are definitely not advancing his significant scientific work. Jeffrey’s fiance, Elizabeth, loves pretzels and her mother is worried by how much she eats, implying she is large though she is not. In fact, as she tells her friend, Elizabeth allowed Jeffery to staple her stomach although he is not a doctor. No, Jeffrey works for the electric company and has been thrown out of 3 medical schools which may explain why ELizabeth’s stomach stapling was not successful. The celebration continues and Jeffrey and Elizabeth present her father with his birthday gift- a remote controlled lawn mower because apparently he can’t push a mower like a normal person. Elizabeth starts the lawn mower but, despite Jeffrey’s warnings, she stands right in its path. Elizabeth dies in a horrific lawn mower accident.

Jeffrey is not taking Elizabeth’s death well. He has begun to work tirelessly on a plan to use electrical currents to reincarnate his shredded sweetheart. Jeffrey is a mess though. He kisses photographs which are all over his room and can’t hang pictures straight. He also keeps a video tape of the news report of Elizabeth’s accident hidden in a copy of Grey’s Anatomy. The reporter on the tape is filled with the typical honor and sensitivity reporters are known for. She tells of Elizabeth and “her personality raining down upon birthday revelers” and that she “was instantly reduced to a tossed human salad.” The big reveal of the report is that some of Elizabeth’s parts have gone missing, including her head- I wonder who has that? As the report ends Jeffrey’s mother lets herself into his room and attempts to console the distraught Jeffrey and offers to set him up with a new girl. Jeffrey bares his soul to his mother but all she can do is offer him a sandwich. After this heart to heart, Jeffrey goes outside to his car and grabs some tools he clearly stole from work and goes to his garage laboratory. Stored inside a cooler filled with a mysterious purple fluid is the missing head. Jeffrey takes the head on a romantic dinner date in the corner of the lab. Dinner is pizza and wine but Elizabeth, apparently still conscious of her weight, skips the pizza. Jeffrey shows the head pictures of it on the bodies of nude pin up girls showing it the many ideas he has to rebuild her. After reading her a love poem of Shakespearean skill, Jeffrey returns the head to the cooler and gets back to work because he only has two days to find new parts and reassemble Elizabeth before a major storm hits the area. Jeffrey needs ideas and he has developed a new method to encourage thought- drilling into his brain. On the second drill, he comes up with a plan. Jeffrey is going to New York City to find hookers to use for parts and he is going to fund it with his Christmas Club account.

Jeffrey drives into the city and cruises the hooker strip looking for the perfect parts. He finally settles on a block and finds a woman. The two negotiate a deal for a party with many women for Jeffrey to choose from but first her pimp, Zorro, has to approve the deal. They find Zorro hanging out in the men’s room of the seediest club in all of late 1980s New York, selling crack. Zorro approves of the deal and manages to sell Jeffrey some crack. Jeffrey does not have any interest in doing crack himself, however. Instead, Jeffrey takes the crack home and, through his genius, manages to turn it into an even greater quantity of supercrack. Jeffrey’s supercrack is extremely potent and causes his guinea pig to explode. The next night, Jeffrey takes his money and supercrack to his party at the upscale hooker motel. Jeffrey is dressed as a doctor and he begins an enthusiastic inspection of the assembled hooker. The women humor Jeffrey but are clearly becoming bored as Jeffrey struggles to find the perfect body. Eventually, Jeffrey begins to have second thoughts about the plan entirely and starts to leave. The hookers will not let him leave until he pays them and Jeffrey gives them his bag of money, forgetting that the supercrack is in it. The hookers find the supercrack and are more excited by that than the cash. The party is reignited but supercrack is not to be fucked with. In fairly short order, the hookers begin to overheat and explode. The gorgeous hotel room is transformed into a fireworks show of legs and boobs that would dwarf the local 4th of July displays. Zorro, waiting in the lobby, grows impatient and goes to find his stable only to be knocked cold by a flying head. Jeffrey bags up the hooker parts, promising to use his estrogen based serum to put them all back together but first Elizabeth.

Back home, Jeffrey is hurrying to reassemble Elizabeth as the storm approaches but his organization system is flawed. He just has buckets of parts all over the garage lab. He even gets distracted shaving bunions off of the feet he has picked. I guess if you’re going to rebuild your fiance, you might as well make sure she doesn’t have bunions. Jeffrey dumps the remaining parts in the cooler of estrogen based serum just in time to fire up his equipment. Lightning strikes and

Elizabeth lives!!!!

Sort of. Elizabeth has taken on the traits and language of the hookers and immediately asks Jeffrey if he wants a date. She knocks Jeffrey out and heads back to New York City to ply her trade. When Jeffrey comes to, he quickly realizes where Elizabeth went and tries to find her. Meanwhile, Elizabeth has found her first customer and takes him to the five star motel but she must have too much supercrack because he explodes when they kiss. She then heads to the bar where her pretzel addiction is reborn and she runs into an angry Zorro who recognizes the words, phrases and big Z tattoo on her arm. They scuffle and Zorro nearly punches her head off. In the ensuing chaos, Zorro slips into the background as Jeffrey finally finds Elizabeth and bring her home for repairs. Jeffrey’s problems are mounting. Can Jeffrey save his beloved from the urges of her body? Will he rebuild the hookers? How can he deal with Zorro? Watch Frankenhooker for the answers to these important questions.

How It Fits I With the Day/ Why Did I Choose This Movie
Frankenhooker was an easy choice to celebrate Frank Henenlotter. The movie was my first introduction to his work and one of the first schlock horror movies I ever saw. The movie caught my eye immediately on the shelf of a Blockbuster video in Mt. Kisco back in the days when you could wander around a rental store and discover movies. The cover image of Elizabeth, in full Frankenstein mode with her purple bra, emerging from a subway station was one of the more iconic of that time period. As much as I love Henenlotter’s other movies, Frankenhooker will always be my favorite.

Lessons

• Do not build or operate remote controlled lawn mowers. Think of how many times you crashed that little RC car and now imagine the damage you could do with a lawn mower. Just push the mower. If you can’t resist, don’t stand in front of it.
• Do not let your boyfriend/fiance/husband perform surgery on you if he’s not a doctor. Especially if he’s been kicked out of medical school.
• DO NOT try to bring your loved ones back from the dead. This is an important, recurring lesson. They never come back the same and always cause more problems. Let your mom set you up, go to a bar, sign up for an internet dating service. Do anything EXCEPT reanimation. Please.
• Say no to crack... but run from supercrack.