Happy Halloween Part 1!!!

Happy October!!  Happy Halloween!!  Happy Spooky Season!!  We’re doing things a little differently during October-  no days, just horror because in October, Horror doesn’t need special days.  Just watch something scary- definitely fictional and enjoy the scares.  We’re going to give you a few suggestions though.  This week’s suggestion is Martyrs.  Martyrs is absolutely amazing BUT I swore I’d never watch it again.  Martyrs is the most disturbing movie I have ever watched which is saying something.  I don’t know if it’s the incessant bleakness, the brutality, the sheer number of squirm inducing scenes or the way it all ties together into a symphony of sadness that, for me, is inescapable.  Take this as your warning- Martyrs may leave you a bit messed up.  

Questions

Jon- Fuck fuck fuck, why did you guys make me watch this again? Sandy- That’s on me. I remembered the very end from watching it years ago but couldn’t remember the rest of the movie and wanted to see it again, with opinions from you goons.

Alison- I am in no way responsible for this! This is entirely Sandy hahaha!

Jon- I cannot believe I’m watching this again.  Damn French Extremity.  Is there such a thing as common abuse? 

Sandy- Oh, there are alllllll different kinds of abuse, so I’m going with yes. Doesn’t mean it’s okay because it’s “common”, just that it happens more frequently amongst a wider variety of people than other kinds of abuse.

Alison-  It's when you sling insults at Common. Which I don't think you'd want to do. 

Jon- Martyrs is THE most disturbing movie I’ve ever seen and you guys are making me watch it again.  What’s the most disturbing movie you’ve ever seen? 

Sandy- I’m not totally sure what the most disturbing movie I’ve ever seen is, honestly. This one is close to the top if not at the very top though.

Alison- Definitely Old Boy. Definitely. 

Jon- It’s so fucking bleak.  The whole movie is just one downer after another.  Lucie needs some help right?  

Sandy- Bleak is exactly what I wrote in my notes also. I had to watch something funny and kind hearted afterwards so my soul didn’t die as I was sleeping. Lucie needs a LOT of help. But I can’t imagine ever being able to trust anyone ever ever ever again in my whole life after going through what she went through. The way they had that woman she had to leave behind haunt her as her own survivor’s guilt was absolute fucking genius.

Alison- Lucie needs a team of inpatient psychiatrists and an exorcism. 

Jon- Damn this movie.  More discomfort per minute than any movie ever.  Did you squirm when Anna was cleaning Lucie’s back wounds?  And that’s just the beginning of the squirmy uncomfortable moments. Sandy- I squirmed more when they happened, but yes, cleaning them was also a very squirmy moment.

Alison- That whole wound cleaning thing doesn't bother me, unsurprisingly. The squirming was with the wrist slitting for me. 

Jon- How about removing huge staples from someone’s head?  Disturbing enough? 

Sandy- OH MY GOD, that was so fucking insane and gross. This is a seriously graphic and upsetting movie. Incredibly well done, and totally horrific.

Alison- Nah I'm okay with that. The self harm gets me though.  Anna is an intense little human huh?

Sandy: Oh my god, seriously! Lucie too though. I’d be curious to know more about Anna’s backstory.

Jon- Everything in this movie is intense so Anna might as well be too.

Alison- So do we think this is a night terror ?

Sandy- They did such a good job keeping the viewer engaged while still somehow being in the dark about what was really going on with the story as a whole. 

Jon- Nope this is full scale, trauma induced, hallucinating.

Alison- Worst breakfast ever?

Sandy- What an intense scene that was! Just fucking brutal. And a wild ride emotionally, since you start out feeling badly for the family and slowly realize they deserved much much worse.

Jon- Nope.  The worst breakfast ever was on April 22nd 1983.  We don’t talk about the Corn Flakes incident.

Alison-How mentally ill is this girl? 

Sandy- If she were a dog at a shelter, they’d probably put her down. It’s so hard to watch, especially once you realize that her mental illness isn’t her fault. She was probably a normal little girl before they kept her hostage and abused her for who knows how long.

Jon- On a scale of one to batshit?  

Alison- What do you think the resale value of this house is ? 

Sandy- I mean… it’s got a lot of storage space.

Jon- It’s nothing a good clean up crew can’t fix.  Easily a million dollar home.

Alison- Wait … .a 115 pound girl dragged a full grown man into a death pit ? 

Sandy- Adrenaline is a hell of a drug.

Jon- She’s a strong, crazy, independent woman.  She can move mountains.

Alison-How codependent are Anna and Lucie? 

Sandy- There is some serious codependency happening here, but I do understand it, after having seen the entire film. I feel so badly for Anna also. She tried so hard to be a good friend to Lucie, with wildly unwavering support, and her reward was being abused and ultimately skinned alive because some dumb old turban wearing white twat wanted to know if there was an afterlife so she could kill herself??

Jon- I don’t think she planned to kill herself.  I think whatever secret she was told was so significant, maybe so wonderful, that she had to experience it for herself immediately.

Alison- Do you get the sense that Lucie is a danger to herself and others ? 

Sandy: Lucie breaks my fucking heart. She is absolutely a danger to herself and to specific others. But it’s because of the horrifying abuse she went through. She would have needed a very very very long recovery period, where she was in a completely safe space with completely safe and patient people. 

Jon- She’s not a danger to others unless they’re the ones who harmed her.  

Alison- Were you surprised when Anna found the basement ? 

Sandy: I was, but I was maybe more surprised that she went down there to explore it by herself like that.

Jon- Nope.

Alison- Are you a different person after seeing this movie ? 

Sandy: I don’t think I’m a different person, but the thoughts and emotions that swirl around in my head were definitely affected by watching and experiencing this movie. 

Jon- Different?  No.  Disturbed?  Fucking absolutely.

Sandy- What’s creepier than an abandoned pediatric hospital?

Alison-Very few things. Abandoned psychiatric hospital is second to that .

Jon- An abandoned morgue.

Sandy- Why does it always feel like nothing can get us if we’re totally under the covers??

Alison- Out of sight out of mind ? I don't know, I can guarantee no supernatural being has gotten me yet. 

Jon- I never felt that otherwise I would have watched Martyrs buried in a blanket.

Sandy- Low water pressure in the shower because of a dead mouse in the pipe? So you showered in dead mouse water? Were you also drinking the tap water? Did anyone else fixate on this as intensely as I did and still am?

Alison- Ugh it's like the Hotel Cecil when that poor woman died in the water tank and all the water ran black and smelled of death for everyone else. 

Jon- You didn’t know the government adds dead mice to all our drinking water the same way they add fluorine?  I thought that was common knowledge.

Sandy-THAT FUCKING BACK SLICING SCENE THOUGH. Did you squirm around like I did as it was happening? AND THE FUCKING SCENE WITH THE KNIFE AND HER ARM STICKING OUT OF THE CLOSET, WHYYYYYY??????

Alison- So much squirming for me, but mainly the self harm. 

Jon- Why?????  You chose this!!  You did this to me!!!!!  FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKKK!!!!!!

Sandy- WOULD YOU GUYS DRAG THE BODIES OF THE ENTIRE FAMILY I’D KILLED OUT TO A PIT IN THE RAIN WHILE I SLEPT IN THEIR BEDS?

Alison- I would do that for you, Sandy. 

Jon- Not while you sleep.  Your ass made the mess.  You can stay awake and help drag bodies to the pit.

Lessons

1. Seriously, heed the warning.  If you are easily disturbed, don't do this to yourself.

2. Help a friend drag the bodies of the people they killed but don’t do it all yourself.  People need to learn accountability.  

3. If you watch Martyrs, have a palate cleanser movie picked out. 

Happy National Love People Day!

September 30th is National Love People Day.  If you know any of us, you know that doesn’t exactly come naturally but we’re celebrating with Glorious anyway.  After a difficult breakup, Wes packs his car and drives.  As sleep begins to overtake him, he stops at a rest stop, eats candy, has a bonfire with his ex’s belongings and gets bombed.  Unsurprisingly, Wes wakes up sick and has to do the unthinkable- vomit in a rest stop toilet, head next to a gloryhole.  He soon learns that’s not the worst part.  A deity has taken up residence in the next stall and requires a sacrifice to save the world.  Does Wes love people enough to give of himself to save the world?  Do we?  Grab a bottle of JD and some Choco Stix and watch Glorious.

Questions

Sandy- Have you ever nodded off while driving? I conked out for a few seconds at a traffic light once while driving back to college. Fucking terrifying.

Alison- I've never done that but it does indeed sound and look like it's terrifying. 

Jon- Sure have.  Right in front of the police station.

Sandy- I haven’t looked it up yet, but who do you think that frozen statue lady who helped him with the candy bar was supposed to represent? She seems significant.

Alison- I bet it's something weird like a Greek goddess or something. 

Jon- The character’s name is Sharon and in mythology Charon’s duty is to ferry the dead across the River Styx so maybe.

Sandy- WOULD YOU RATHER puke outside in the grass amongst the trees and birds and sunlight, ORRRR hold it in to kneel on the floor of a filthy public rest area bathroom with your head in the absolutely grotesque toilet? I’ll tell you what, it’s all grass puking for me from now on.

Alison- This reminded me of Trainspotting. Putting your face inside a public toilet? No fucking thank you. 

Jon- I think we all know damn well that I’ll puke anywhere.  Middle of a sidewalk, CVS parking lot.  Wherever.  But not a rest stop toilet with a gloryhole.

Sandy- WOULD YOU TOUCH THAT FUCKING GOO ON THE STALL DOOR????

Alison- Fucking no!!

Jon- I wouldn’t touch anything in that hellhole.

Sandy- Who do you think had to clean up that bathroom after filming this?

Alison- It was probably a set that they just deconstructed. 

Jon- DK Simmons.

Sandy- Would you know how to cut your own liver out if you had to do it to save the universe?

Alison- I wouldn't do it. I'd let the universe perish. 

Jon- Not my liver.  I don’t like people that much.  Are Choco Stix always the last candy in the machine?

Alison- Are those real?? Is Choco stix a thing??

Sandy- Is that even a real candy?  Is it from 1972?

Jon- Yeah they are or were maybe.  Another “I love you beary much” bear?  What are the odds?

Alison- I see an unexpected theme !

Sandy- I said the same thing in my notes.  This and the big bear suit!

Jon- If you only eat Choco Stix and then down most of a bottle of Jack Daniels, is there any way you aren’t epically sick the next day?

Alison- Nope. I'm surprised he didn't throw up more. 

Sandy- I don’t think you’d need to involve the Choco Stix at all for that.

Jon- Do you ever talk into the creepy gloryhole in a shitty rest stop bathroom?

Alison- I definitely will from now on, just hoping for a deity to appear. 

Sandy- Ummmm… I’ve never seen a gloryhole in a woman’s bathroom.  

Jon- Would you take your own eye out if vomit and rest stop toilet water splashed into your eye?  Maybe it could be the body part you sacrifice to save the universe.

Alison- No but you bet I'd scrub the hell out of it with antibacterial soap. 

Sandy- I’d be cleaning it with rubbing alcohol and smashed up penicillin.

Jon- Would you listen to DK Simmons talking to you from a toilet stall?

Alison- Yes. Love him. 

Sandy- Definitely! That motherfucker is awesome!

Jon- What would you cut out or off to save the world?  I’ve already established that I would give my shitty rest stop, toilet water eye.

Alison- Nothing.  Fuck the world.  

Sandy- Elon Musk’s dick!

Alison- Is he listening to a Bing Crosby song because the rights were cheap?

Sandy- I want to say Bing Crosby is rad but I’m too lazy to look it up and see if he’s done anything terrible to anyone.  I feel like the very nature of his existence during the time of his life means he probably did.  Can anyone tell me if Bing Crosby was a dick?  I did like that song though.

Jon- He’d be a dick by today’s standards but not by his time.

Alison- How ripe do you think this guy smells?

Sandy- Oh boy… I’m sure he is RIPE!

Jon- He probably only smells worse as the movie goes on.

Alison- How bad is it when you’re at a rest stop, drinking whisky and burning shit… wait don’t answer that.

Sandy- I’m pretty sure Jon would do that to celebrate something joyful.  Actually… I’m pretty sure Jon already does that for fun.

Jon- I love fire!!!  You two sent a fire safety monitor to watch me and he almost blew himself up.

Alison- Worst hangover experience maybe?

Sandy- Are you referring to touching a rest area bathroom floor or having to cut yourself open so a tentacle God could hentai steal some of your liver to save the universe?

Jon- I mean it kind of seems like an average Saturday or Sunday morning when I was 25.

Alison- Is Gary a poor listener?

Sandy- Yeah man!  At first I was like “what did Gary ever do,” and then he shoved Wes back and I was “Eat him, Ghat!”

Jon- Would you listen to Wes at that point?  He seemed really deranged.  I don’t usually listen to crazy guys in rest stop bathrooms either.

Alison- Did you expect the twist?

Sandy- I knew what was coming because I watched it before but it surprised me the first time I saw it.  I think it’s brilliant because it really changes how you feel about everything that’s happened and rewatching it with that knowledge is a whole different experience.

Jon-  What a twist!!!

Lessons

1. No sitting or stooping in rest stop bathrooms.

2. Don’t put your eye to the gloryhole.

A Cuddly National Teddy Bear Day!

September 9th is National Teddy Bear Day.  It’s a chance to celebrate that cuddly, comforting, childhood toy that you clutched for years as you dozed off.  But what happens when that bear becomes sentient, jealous and murderous?  Well you get Bearry.  After Chloe endures a brutal divorce, her friend Sam makes the absurd decision to give Chloe a ridiculously oversized teddy bear.  I mean this thing is huge.  After Chloe tells Bearry she loves him, life comes into Bearry’s stuffed cotton body and he starts to murder every guy who has hurt Chloe.  Before long, Bearry has moved on to killing her friends and love interests.  Can Chloe free herself from this gigantic, plush monstrosity?  Maybe.  So grab your teddy bear and watch Bearry and you better never get me something as big and useless as that stuffed bear.

Questions

Jon: Which face was better- his O Face or her post sex face?  

Sandy:  Her post sex face made me sad because of how clearly dissatisfied she was. I can’t believe anyone ever fucked that guy, let alone married him. His face just makes me want to puke. Why the fuck did she marry him?

Jon: I don’t know why anyone would marry that guy.  It certainly wasn’t his sexual prowess nor his shitty personality.  Can you ever call it “pound town” when it’s with someone you have an emotional attachment with and she wasn’t impressed by your sexual efforts?  

Sandy:  You can definitely call it “pound town” when it’s someone you’re attached to emotionally, but not giving a shit when your partner isn’t satisfied is gross, and walking out on them when they try to express themselves to you is also gross and IWANTTHISFUCKINGGUYTODIE. Is saying “fire in the hole” when you cum the fastest way to dry up a vagina? Just kidding, trick question. The answer is yes.

Jon: The fastest?  Probably not faster than “Here comes the baby sauce” but it’s not going to get you many return engagements.  Is he really not a “total dick”?  I mean he has a younger, better looking less complainy girl waiting for him.  

Sandy:  K I L L. H I M. Guess how many times I wished this guy dead within my notes?

Jon: 6.5 because you got tired of writing it and just starting screaming at the TV.  How inconsiderate is it to get someone a gigantic, useless, unrequested gift like a fucking 16 foot tall teddy bear?  Also, FUN FACT- Felissa Rose does not actually have a dick.  

Sandy:   I would have been so fucking angry at that lady. In my notes I actually wrote “I’d kill someone if they got me a teddy bear that large”.  What she SHOULD have gotten her was an anatomically above average male sex doll. Hey Jon, will you and Alison get me an anatomically above average male sex doll for Christmas?

Jon: You sure that’s something you want me involved in purchasing?  You understand that it will look nothing like a man and probably be outright horrifying.  I thought you knew me better than that.  They found a restaurant that they can smoke in?  In the present?  And they all squish together on one side of a booth? And what is “white girl drunk”?  

Sandy:  WHAT THE FUCK?! I said the same thing?! Was it supposed to be a Last Supper reference, or just terrible directing? Another trick question, based on the quality of the rest of the film. Also, WHY WAS THE MAIN CHICK THE ONLY ONE EATING?!?!

Jon: Because she wasn’t paying!  Is this a one restaurant town or does she really like the waiter and hasn’t realized it yet?  

Sandy:  Literally also in my notes “Is there only one restaurant in this universe?” and  “‘Let’s go to your favorite restaurant tonight’…. GEE I WONDER WHAT RESTAURANT THAT WILL BE”.  Someone’s cousin or parents had to own that place and agree to let them use it to film for free. Did watching them go back to that restaurant over and over again make you want spaghetti? Or was I just stoned and wishing I had spaghetti?

Jon: I kind of always want spaghetti but these dining scenes made me want to never eat again.  Did you stand up and cheer when that bald prick’s head rolled across the floor?  

Sandy:  That dude was so evil he was like a parody of someone who was supposed to be the representation of pure evil. Was it me, or were all of the men in this movie repulsively disgusting? (Minus the waiter at the one restaurant in town.)

Jon: They were all pretty fucking terrible except the cops who were using their screen time to audition for Dumb and Dumber 3.  Could she have worse blind dates?  Shit gives me flashbacks.  

Sandy:  I thought she was speed dating at first, but when I realized her “friends” set her up with these dudes, I got kind of irrationally angry. Like… you’d have to put some WORK IN to find such a large amount of extreme idiots and assholes and assault weapon fire them at your heartbroken and emotionally abused friend like that.  Did you know that this movie is only an hour and twenty-three minutes long? 

Jon: And worth every minute!  “Is it wrong to love somebody so much?”  

Sandy:  Ugh. UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. How come Bearry never got blood on himself until the very end? He used a chainsaw to kill someone but a stabbing is what finally got him dirty?

Jon: He wrapped himself in Saran Wrap?  No no wait- he’s made of stain proof material!  Shouldn’t she just date the waiter?   

Sandy:  The only restaurant in town with the only half decent man in town. This movie is SO BAD, JON. No question, that’s it. Side note to the people responsible for the existence of this film; PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF FUCK DO NOT MAKE A SECOND ONE.

Jon: WE WANT MORE!!!  MAKE IT A TRILOGY AND WE”LL BLOG THEM ALL!!!!!

Lessons

1. No one has room for giant useless teddy bears.  Don’t do that to your friends.

2. Dating SUCKS!!!