Happy National Best Friends Day!

 June 8th is National Best Friends Day!  It’s a day to honor your favorite partners in crime or the people who keep you out of it.  It’s your chance to celebrate with the people who know you best, know where you buried the bodies and helped you bury them.  In this case, we celebrated with Idle Hands.  When Anton’s hand becomes possessed by a demon, it leads him on an insane killing spree.  Anton turns to his best friends Mick and Pnub to help stop his murderous hand before it kills the love of his life.  Can this hapless trio of stoners stop a hand?  How does one stop a possessed hand?  For the answers to these and so many other questions read the blog and watch Idle Hands.  And tell your friends you love them.

Questions

Jon:  Could the opening credits be any more late 90s?

Sandy:  Probably, but I couldn't tell you in what ways. Can we talk about the crushes I had on Devon Sawa and Seth Green when I was younger? The Seth Green one will never go away.

Jon:  Oh didn’t we all.  Especially Seth.  What is a cornucopia?

Sandy:  It's a fucking horn shaped basket full of food, you mook. Fred Willard!!!!

Jon:  Not for long.  Would you look under the bed?

Sandy:  I would leap off the bed and look under it from across the room, MAYBE. Do any of your cats ever get on the bed with an insane hissing scream like that one did?

Jon:  Not hissing but Petra wanders around the room and the bed yelling at us all morning.  Would their little Scooter do something like that?

Sandy:  Yes and no I guess.

Jon:  Why does the man always have to go investigate the sound?

Sandy:  Because men are dumber.

Jon:  I don’t think that’s the case.  I think it’s more gender role bullshit.  Could mom have dialed 911 any slower?

Sandy:  It's like when people are running to their cars and drop the fucking keys right as they get to the door, or when they're running to their house and can't find the right key as they get to the doorknob. Nerves make you fumble. I panic and wonder if I even listen to music whenever someone asks me to name bands I like.

Jon:  Is Anton a problem solver or problem ignorer?

Sandy:  Well, I'd say an ignorer but he DID go to the supermarket for the dog food and groceries. That has to count for something. Also, his wearable weed pipe was pretty innovative. Have you ever made a bong or pipe out of something that wasn't intended for smoking weed? Tell us more, pleaseandthankyou.

Jon:  I have never made a bong.  Marijuana has never made me an engineer.  “This ain’t Dominoes you lazy bitch.”?

Sandy:  Haha, I have that line written down in my notes too. There are so many good lines in this movie. I also love " ' Don't you watch the news? ', ' Nah man, I hate that show. ' " How about that boobies bowl?! I want that. And a weiner one.

Jon:  They would go well with our toilet mugs and our boobie and dick straws.  Would his mom suck dick well if she had teeth?

Sandy:  Maybe, but definitely not as well as when she doesn't. How often do you touch your junk and sniff your hand?

Jon:  I don’t think I’ve ever done that and I can’t imagine ever feeling that I need to.  Jerking off in the milkshake maker again?  Once didn’t get them fired?

Sandy:  Did they do it together? A brotherly circle jerk into the milkshakes? I once heard tale of a girl puking into the rice tub at Desert Moon in the JV Mall. Don't know if it was true, but I lost my taste for public rice after that. What's the grossest or most inappropriate thing you've ever secretly done at work?

Jon:  I’ve had sex in a work bathroom but for the most part I never did anything too gross at a job.  Mischief, mayhem and danger were my things.  How smooth is Anton with the ladies?

Sandy:  Ha! About as smooth as a bucket of broken glass. Have you ever sniffed someone's journal or another random item that might vaguely smell like them? Underwear and tampons don't count.

Jon:  I thought about this for a while and I don’t think I ever did that either.  Can you smell the marker Debi was using through the TV?

Sandy:  Yes! Gave me an immediate headache memory. Beaver, Utah. Heheheh.

Jon:  It’s a real place too!!!  There’s only like 3,000 people there but now I know something else about Utah!  Do those cops look like they could be only 4 years older than Anton?

Sandy:  Some people age differently, JON. You might look perpetually 35 years old, but I've met 38 year olds who look like they're in their 60's. How much would you pay to have Vivica Fox breathe-shout "BEAVER" into your ear?

Jon:  I don’t know.  Maybe $1.50?  I hate when people whisper in my ear with their warm, humid breath.  Hard pass.  Can Anton realistically expect Mick and Pnub to notice his dead parents quickly when it took him a couple days?

Sandy:  WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING SMELL THAT MUST HAVE BEEN WAFTING BY THEN??? I think all of these mofos are so lost in their own immediate weed worlds that it's probably pretty easy to be totally non-observant. That smell thing though... that one I can't accept. How punk-rock is it to use the ticket a cop gives you as rolling paper?

Jon:  It’s something.  Probably a big waste of weed.  I tried rolling tobacco in paper and it does not smoke well.  Ever been so high that you couldn’t remember if you murdered your parents?

Sandy:  Maybe? Would or have you ever washed your mouth out with Dawn?

Jon:  I have.  It used to be her fetish when we dated but eventually Dawn got too demanding and I had to break up with her.  Taste stayed in my mouth until I started dating Mrs. Butterworth.  You do not want to know what she wanted me to do,  Is “the killer was wearing your shirt” the most logical conclusion?

Sandy:  Hahahahaha, he just loved his friend so purely that was the only thing that made sense to him. Does Anton listen to the same exact song every day when he wakes up?

Jon:  He certainly does.  How awesome are uncontrollable/possessed hands?

Sandy:  Well, I personally prefer having control over my own appendages but I do love them in a movie. I thought Devon Sawa did an excellent job of making it seem like his hand was in control, and that's not just because I want to lick his face. How much did Anton calling the dog in to hide under the covers with him make you want to touch his butt?

Jon:  It kind of did make me want to touch the dog’s butt.  Do you approach a weird guy who rang your doorbell, covered in blood and wrestling with his hand?

Sandy:  I would not approach him but I might yell from afar to see if he needed help. Orrrr I might call for help of my own while trying to keep my existence a secret from him. "Sorry about your bush."

Jon:  I’m never sorry about falling into a bush.  Would you let the weird guy in the house?

Sandy:  No, but maybe I'm not as horny as that chick apparently was. "I'm impressed. I never would have guessed you'd have the balls to just" SEXUALLY ASSAULT ME LIKE THAT. Ahhhh, 1999... that did not age well.

Jon:  No it did not.  That happens a lot.  The late 90s were a rape culture heyday.  Does Debi have to kick evil’s ass?

Sandy:  Yeah she does. Who else is going to do it if not her?

Jon:  At the end of the day, mostly Anton.  Would you leave flowers at the memorial for the guys who jacked off in the milkshake machine?

Sandy:  Did I know that they had jerked off in the milkshake machine? 

Jon: Seems to have been common knowledge.

Sandy: Was it really Anton that cock-blocked Randy, or do you think that was more of Randy's own fault? I'll give you a hint... it was Randy cockblocking himself.

Jon: No Anton contributed.  His weirdness gave the girl the chance to bail.  Randy had a slim chance until then.   Would you work at a place that made you dress like you were on safari?

Sandy:  For sure, yes. I'd go there as a customer dressed for a safari.

 

Jon:  Are idle hands the devil’s playground?

Sandy:  Haha, how about when Anton said "idle hands are the Devil's playpen"?? In all seriousness though, I do kind of agree with that saying on some levels. I think rest is important, but I also think doing nothing causes a certain degree of insanity to set in. Fucking knitting?! Haha, PERFECT. What would be your activity of choice to keep that evil hand busy? NO JERKING OFF OR ANY OTHER SEX SHIT AS AN ANSWER. It has to be a craft.

Jon:  I would jack off on a canvas and smear it around into pretty pictures.  Then I’d auction that shit for millions.  Worse way to go- knitting needle through the ear or taser to the face?

Sandy:  That's a tough one. I'm going to go with a knitting needle through the ear. They aren't sharp. "Go go buffalo!" How about when he was knitting AT the cops?! Haha, fuck I love this movie.

Jon:  I think it’s the taser especially since you’d probably have to take it for a longer time.  Slice your own hand off with a butcher’s knife or cauterize the wound with an iron?

Sandy:  Well, both I guess. Don't want to bleed out. I have taped various parts of my own hand back together after accidental injuries, so I feel like I could handle both of those things if necessary, pun intended. How anxious were you with that cleaver scene?? Also, "Look at me, I'm Leatherface!"

Jon:  Not at all.  Now if he were trying to take an eye out, I’d be very anxious.  Which is the better use for a microwave- killing your severed hand or making a burrito?

Sandy:  Obviously making a burrito in this scenario, since the hand didn't die from being microwaved. Who the fuck is going to clean that thing??? I'd throw it out.

Jon:  It’s a microwave so no one is going to clean it.  EVER.  I think that’s the first rule of microwave ownership.  If you were looking for a possessed hand, would you start at the bowling alley?

Sandy:  That was an odd choice. I think I'd start at a store that sold gloves.

Jon:  Are severed heads a turn on or off?

Sandy:  It depends. How fast do you think you'd recover from cutting off your own hand and cauterizing the wound? Fast enough to go to the dance in the same evening?

Jon:  I would never recover from that.  Evil can win at that point.  How bad is it that they ran over the one person who could help?

Sandy:  They just knocked the crap out of her with the car, they didn't totally run her over! It's pretty bad though. But why the fuck approach the back of a huge pickup truck and stand there like a fucking idiot instead of running up to one of the windows??

Jon:  Because all you care about is stopping the evil so you can have the ritualistic sex after.  Has there been a costume party in the last 40 years that didn’t have someone dressed as KISS?

Sandy:  It's a classic choice! Relatively easy makeup job and it looks rad.

Jon:  Why does Molly dance like she did heroin?

Sandy:  I was thinking it looked more like she had done ecstasy. I think a lot of high school girls try really hard to look sexy and end up just looking like assholes. Dudes too. Dudes especially, actually. How does one figure out Druid time? 

Jon:  It’s Greenwich Mean Time +2.  I thought everyone knew that.  Why would they hold a school dance if there’s a curfew?

Sandy:  Maybe the people who run the school are always high too.

Jon:  Is there any chance the shoe will hold the fan?

Sandy:  Apparently not.

Jon:  Is Tanya going to be ok?

Sandy:  Also no. Is it immoral to make out with a chick if you're dead and you know that but she doesn't?

Jon:  I don’t know if human morals apply to the undead.  Maybe when you’re undead, hooking up with the unwitting living is the path to sainthood.  Could Pnub go back if he wanted to get a piece?

Sandy:  He could go back to retrieve several pieces if he really wanted to. Another brilliant line though. Have I mentioned how much I fucking love this movie?

Jon:  You have and unlike your love for Ghostbusters 2, it’s justified.  Weed for strength?

Sandy:  I use weed for emotional strength, so I can see that being a thing.

Jon: Sure but it doesn’t work like spinach does for Popeye.  And spinach doesn’t work either.  That was just propaganda for Big Spinach.

Lessons

Don’t smoke nutmeg and oregano together or separately. 

Always remember the number for 911.

Be there for your friends- even if they accidentally killed you.

Happy National Moonshine Day!

 June 5th is National Moonshine Day.  Moonshine will fuck you up and quick.  It will also strip the lining of your esophagus and remove paint.  So instead of drinking moonshine, Alison and I watched Moonshine Meat Market Mayhem.  This movie would almost definitely be a wild ride after some shine.  In a post-apocalyptic world, moonshine has become a dietary staple of the survivors who live in danger of one another and the undead Cancer Dancers.  Cancer Dancers will definitely murder and eat survivors but apparently also have sex with them.  In this disaster of a world, two brother cousins attempt to function and sell a better shine.  Is their moonshine better?  What’s with the overalls?  Can we even make it through this movie?  Watch Moonshine Meat Market Mayhem and read the blog to find out.

Questions

Jon: Do you have hope for a film made by Charlie Cadillac?

Alison: Absolutely not. Is wearing overalls without a shirt the epitome of class?

Jon: Maybe not the epitome of class but I hope you come to like it because I ordered a few pairs and that’s going to be my new look.  How long would you survive in a moonshine only world? 

Alison: I’d kill myself immediately. Is this the next phase after the baby formula shortage? 

Jon: No moonshine world is still five or six steps away.  We haven’t gone through the potato chip and pizza shortages yet.  Is it dumb to keep your peaceful but dead wife around? 

Alison: Yes, under all circumstances. What is this chemo thing? Were you able to make sense out of that at all?

Jon: The zombie-like creatures were called Cancer Dancers which makes me guess they have cancer and the chemo is meant to keep them alive.  So these zombies eat you and fuck you?

Alison: Dude what the hell? What is even happening right now? Why?? What Tennessee barn rave was this filmed at exactly?

Jon: It was filmed in a barn in Texas.  What are we going to do with these dead bodies that keep piling up?  (This is both a movie and real life question.  We’re running out of room in the crawl space).

Alison: We need more quicklime, honey. How long would it take you to whore your wife out for credits in a post apocalyptic world?

Jon: The ad is already up on Craigslist.  How do you deal with someone who is licking their lips just looking at you? 

Alison: Pretty much the way any 20-something woman in a bar does – ignore them.

Jon: Do you think you’re going to make it through this movie?

Alison: I’m doing my best. Most of my questions are just whyyyyyyyyyy?

Jon: According to IMDB some cast and crew members walked out of the premiere in disgust so you aren’t alone.  Did the lady in the purple wig have 2 belly buttons?  Is that even possible? 

Alison: It looked more like a navel piercing gone wrong, but I’m sure anything is possible. And I want that wig. What is with these squirting sound effects???

Jon: I thought the squirting effects were the best part of the movie.  If you have no credits and nothing to trade, are you fucked?  Literally?

Alison: Apparently. Who is this large black man who is just fucking all these women??? Is he like King Barn Rave?

Jon: He’s like the horrible offspring of Scott Steiner and Jax from Mortal Kombat.  Are you still watching while they eat the lady’s leg?

Alison: Yes, unfortunately. Why is she dressed like Dorothy Gale?

Jon: It was probably the only dress they had on hand and they had no money for another one.  Are these 2 bald guys thinking a scary thought brother cousin?

Alison: They ARE a scary thought. This whole fucking experience is a scary thought.

Jon: Want another scary thought?  There are numerous unreleased versions of this movie.  Is this movie proof that there’s no God?

Alison: I don’t need more proof of that but I now apparently have that proof, yes. Are you looking forward to wearing chain mail but only on your head in the apocalypse, Jon?

Jon: I’m not waiting for the apocalypse.  I ordered one of those too.  Which cost more- the effects or the hair dye?

Alison: The hair dye, but they definitely saved on that by shaving the brother cousins. Do you think some of them designer wigs will make them look dignified?

Jon: You mean the bastard sons of the Bushwhackers and the Hillbillies aren’t dignified?  I call bullshit.  Do you trust The Butcher to do any kind of scientific testing?

Alison: I do not trust any of these people to do anything aside from drink moonshine and dry hump one another.

Jon: Do they have credits running out of their asses?

Alison: I guess it’s better than moonshine diarrhea.

Jon: Everything is better than moonshine diarrhea.  Was “I have the time and the tongue” the most romantic line in movie history?

Alison: Definitely better than “frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn.” Also delivered by a bespectacled woman with purple hair, so I approve.

Jon: What do you think the brother cousins did pre-apocalypse?

Alison: They sat in front of a convenience store drinking liquor purchased with disability funds talking about what they would do in the apocalypse.

Jon: Time well spent I would say.  Can’t you see he’s all fucked up in the head?

Alison: Indeed I can. Is this dude’s mom actually proud of him or is she just saying that? Is the bar really that low in this reality?

Jon: The bar is that low in our reality so it may as well be in that one too.  How many times were you unsure of whether a character was a Cancer Dancer or a living person?

Alison: Very unsure. The whole time. I have no idea what’s a zombie, what’s a person, nothing. No idea. Do the zombies have cancer?

Jon: I think so but I really am not that sure.  Do you think if these people spent more time working on society and less time fucking they might be better off?

Alison: We could ask that question of half the population of the United States.

Jon: Do you believe that guy is the best she ever had?

Alison: If a working woman tells you that, it is most definitely not true. Also whyyyyyyyy is this blow job scene so long? And unnecessary?

Jon: They needed to get to feature length.  You’re probably lucky they didn’t edit other parts out and make the blow job even longer.  Was this movie made just so the actors could pretend to fuck?

Alison: Yes, and so they could call each other “bitch.”

Jon: “Bitch I ain’t no savior.  I’m a survivor.”  How much are you hoping that’s not true?

Alison: I want everyone in this movie to die as quickly as possible so that it will be over.

Jon: Did they run out of money for shirts?

Alison: They ran out of money for shirts right after the trip to the Manic Panic store. Did chain mail dude only put on a shirt and vest to protect him from acid rain? 

Jon: They were specially designed to resist acid ra- nevermind.  Yeah he did.  “It’s always a pleasure to do business with you as always”?

Alison:I bet you it was written that way in the script. Editing be damned.

Jon: Wait you think there was a script?  I can’t imagine someone wrote this shit and if they did I guarantee nothing was spelled correctly.  Is it surprising that eating Cancer Dancers makes you crazy?

Alison: Not surprising at all. Once you are a zombie in this movie, do you just become a cyberpunk? Is the hair color just a symptom of the disease? Are cancer dancers different from the zombie cyberpunks? What is even happening?

Jon: I have no fucking clue.  I think the zombie cyberpunks were Cancer Dancers but they could have been anything except good actors.   “Don’t do us like that just do us”?

Alison: Yep, you’re right. That’s actually the most romantic line. Did you catch “this could wet a vagina” as the scene was fading out?

Jon: Well it was the truth.  Is the one guy way too eager to cut someone’s balls off?

Alison: Yes, but brother cousin actually seems interested in having his balls cut off. How much do you hope that the apocalypse is not at all like this?

Jon: I would prefer that to watching this again.  Did they cut his balls off through his overalls?

Alison: I think so, yes. Um. Ew. Is this movie over yet?

Jon: Almost.  Wait, they cleaned the shit off of him after they castrated him?

Alison: I have no idea. I just thank fuck this is over and we can now leave the nu metal show smoking patio hellscape.

 

Lessons

Don’t go out in the acid rain.

Don’t turn into the Hatfields and the McCoys in the apocalypse.

Don’t do this to yourself.