Happy National Moonshine Day!

 June 5th is National Moonshine Day.  Moonshine will fuck you up and quick.  It will also strip the lining of your esophagus and remove paint.  So instead of drinking moonshine, Alison and I watched Moonshine Meat Market Mayhem.  This movie would almost definitely be a wild ride after some shine.  In a post-apocalyptic world, moonshine has become a dietary staple of the survivors who live in danger of one another and the undead Cancer Dancers.  Cancer Dancers will definitely murder and eat survivors but apparently also have sex with them.  In this disaster of a world, two brother cousins attempt to function and sell a better shine.  Is their moonshine better?  What’s with the overalls?  Can we even make it through this movie?  Watch Moonshine Meat Market Mayhem and read the blog to find out.

Questions

Jon: Do you have hope for a film made by Charlie Cadillac?

Alison: Absolutely not. Is wearing overalls without a shirt the epitome of class?

Jon: Maybe not the epitome of class but I hope you come to like it because I ordered a few pairs and that’s going to be my new look.  How long would you survive in a moonshine only world? 

Alison: I’d kill myself immediately. Is this the next phase after the baby formula shortage? 

Jon: No moonshine world is still five or six steps away.  We haven’t gone through the potato chip and pizza shortages yet.  Is it dumb to keep your peaceful but dead wife around? 

Alison: Yes, under all circumstances. What is this chemo thing? Were you able to make sense out of that at all?

Jon: The zombie-like creatures were called Cancer Dancers which makes me guess they have cancer and the chemo is meant to keep them alive.  So these zombies eat you and fuck you?

Alison: Dude what the hell? What is even happening right now? Why?? What Tennessee barn rave was this filmed at exactly?

Jon: It was filmed in a barn in Texas.  What are we going to do with these dead bodies that keep piling up?  (This is both a movie and real life question.  We’re running out of room in the crawl space).

Alison: We need more quicklime, honey. How long would it take you to whore your wife out for credits in a post apocalyptic world?

Jon: The ad is already up on Craigslist.  How do you deal with someone who is licking their lips just looking at you? 

Alison: Pretty much the way any 20-something woman in a bar does – ignore them.

Jon: Do you think you’re going to make it through this movie?

Alison: I’m doing my best. Most of my questions are just whyyyyyyyyyy?

Jon: According to IMDB some cast and crew members walked out of the premiere in disgust so you aren’t alone.  Did the lady in the purple wig have 2 belly buttons?  Is that even possible? 

Alison: It looked more like a navel piercing gone wrong, but I’m sure anything is possible. And I want that wig. What is with these squirting sound effects???

Jon: I thought the squirting effects were the best part of the movie.  If you have no credits and nothing to trade, are you fucked?  Literally?

Alison: Apparently. Who is this large black man who is just fucking all these women??? Is he like King Barn Rave?

Jon: He’s like the horrible offspring of Scott Steiner and Jax from Mortal Kombat.  Are you still watching while they eat the lady’s leg?

Alison: Yes, unfortunately. Why is she dressed like Dorothy Gale?

Jon: It was probably the only dress they had on hand and they had no money for another one.  Are these 2 bald guys thinking a scary thought brother cousin?

Alison: They ARE a scary thought. This whole fucking experience is a scary thought.

Jon: Want another scary thought?  There are numerous unreleased versions of this movie.  Is this movie proof that there’s no God?

Alison: I don’t need more proof of that but I now apparently have that proof, yes. Are you looking forward to wearing chain mail but only on your head in the apocalypse, Jon?

Jon: I’m not waiting for the apocalypse.  I ordered one of those too.  Which cost more- the effects or the hair dye?

Alison: The hair dye, but they definitely saved on that by shaving the brother cousins. Do you think some of them designer wigs will make them look dignified?

Jon: You mean the bastard sons of the Bushwhackers and the Hillbillies aren’t dignified?  I call bullshit.  Do you trust The Butcher to do any kind of scientific testing?

Alison: I do not trust any of these people to do anything aside from drink moonshine and dry hump one another.

Jon: Do they have credits running out of their asses?

Alison: I guess it’s better than moonshine diarrhea.

Jon: Everything is better than moonshine diarrhea.  Was “I have the time and the tongue” the most romantic line in movie history?

Alison: Definitely better than “frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn.” Also delivered by a bespectacled woman with purple hair, so I approve.

Jon: What do you think the brother cousins did pre-apocalypse?

Alison: They sat in front of a convenience store drinking liquor purchased with disability funds talking about what they would do in the apocalypse.

Jon: Time well spent I would say.  Can’t you see he’s all fucked up in the head?

Alison: Indeed I can. Is this dude’s mom actually proud of him or is she just saying that? Is the bar really that low in this reality?

Jon: The bar is that low in our reality so it may as well be in that one too.  How many times were you unsure of whether a character was a Cancer Dancer or a living person?

Alison: Very unsure. The whole time. I have no idea what’s a zombie, what’s a person, nothing. No idea. Do the zombies have cancer?

Jon: I think so but I really am not that sure.  Do you think if these people spent more time working on society and less time fucking they might be better off?

Alison: We could ask that question of half the population of the United States.

Jon: Do you believe that guy is the best she ever had?

Alison: If a working woman tells you that, it is most definitely not true. Also whyyyyyyyy is this blow job scene so long? And unnecessary?

Jon: They needed to get to feature length.  You’re probably lucky they didn’t edit other parts out and make the blow job even longer.  Was this movie made just so the actors could pretend to fuck?

Alison: Yes, and so they could call each other “bitch.”

Jon: “Bitch I ain’t no savior.  I’m a survivor.”  How much are you hoping that’s not true?

Alison: I want everyone in this movie to die as quickly as possible so that it will be over.

Jon: Did they run out of money for shirts?

Alison: They ran out of money for shirts right after the trip to the Manic Panic store. Did chain mail dude only put on a shirt and vest to protect him from acid rain? 

Jon: They were specially designed to resist acid ra- nevermind.  Yeah he did.  “It’s always a pleasure to do business with you as always”?

Alison:I bet you it was written that way in the script. Editing be damned.

Jon: Wait you think there was a script?  I can’t imagine someone wrote this shit and if they did I guarantee nothing was spelled correctly.  Is it surprising that eating Cancer Dancers makes you crazy?

Alison: Not surprising at all. Once you are a zombie in this movie, do you just become a cyberpunk? Is the hair color just a symptom of the disease? Are cancer dancers different from the zombie cyberpunks? What is even happening?

Jon: I have no fucking clue.  I think the zombie cyberpunks were Cancer Dancers but they could have been anything except good actors.   “Don’t do us like that just do us”?

Alison: Yep, you’re right. That’s actually the most romantic line. Did you catch “this could wet a vagina” as the scene was fading out?

Jon: Well it was the truth.  Is the one guy way too eager to cut someone’s balls off?

Alison: Yes, but brother cousin actually seems interested in having his balls cut off. How much do you hope that the apocalypse is not at all like this?

Jon: I would prefer that to watching this again.  Did they cut his balls off through his overalls?

Alison: I think so, yes. Um. Ew. Is this movie over yet?

Jon: Almost.  Wait, they cleaned the shit off of him after they castrated him?

Alison: I have no idea. I just thank fuck this is over and we can now leave the nu metal show smoking patio hellscape.

 

Lessons

Don’t go out in the acid rain.

Don’t turn into the Hatfields and the McCoys in the apocalypse.

Don’t do this to yourself.