Happy Independence Day!

 July 4th is Independence Day in the United States!  It’s the day we celebrate our forefathers’ bold decision to break away from England.  So, how do we celebrate?  We barbecue massive hunks of a variety of meats, drink excessive amounts of alcohol and try to blow up the sky- for days after.  While we definitely participate in some of the activities (I love hamburgers and hot dogs), we celebrate days with movies and for the 4th of July our pick was Uncle Sam.  In Uncle Sam, young Jody (Choady) worships his Uncle Sam Harper.  Sam is his role model, so when Sam is killed in a friendly fire incident in Kuwait, Jody is crushed.  But Sam doesn’t stay dead and his crispy corpse cuts its way through anyone and everyone he determines has disrespected the country he loved and moves on to anyone in his path.  Can Jody, Jed and Barry stop Sam’s murderous rampage?  Does Jody even want to?  Are guys on stilts inherently creepy?  Watch Uncle Sam and read the blog for those answers and many others.

Questions

Jon: Is there a lot of green in that Kuwaiti desert?

Alison: Yes, that is a very not-convincing Kuwaiti desert. Is “friendly fire” THE most bullshit term ever?

Jon: So I Googled ridiculous military phrases and I don’t even think it’s the most bullshit military phrase.  Acceptable loss/casualties is definitely more bullshit. How do you feel about people whose first and last name rhyme like Tim Grimm? 

Alison: I can’t be one to throw stones… My name is now quite alliterated.

Jon: Yours only comes out that way if you over pronounce or sing it.  I think it’s the single syllable in each word that makes it stand out.  How happy does “written by Larry Cohen” make you? 

Alison: I actually don’t know much about him, but now I know he’s staunchly anti-war, and I can dig that.

Jon: Larry Cohen either wrote or directed so many classics like The Stuff, It’s Alive and God Told Me To.  The pairing with director William Lustig also gave us the Maniac Cop movies.  How annoying are kids that interrogate you in the middle of the night?

Alison: Everyone is annoying in the middle of the night, because that means I’m awake.

Jon: Yeah but the middle of the night for you is 10 PM.  Is there ever a town as deserted as Twin Rivers at any time of day?

Alison: Apparently the next town over from us on July 3rd.

Jon: Will Mrs. Harper get over it in time?  Seems like she sort of moved on already, no?

Alison: Do you really ever “get over” the death of someone close to you, even if you didn’t like them? She doesn’t seem to be terribly over anything, though. She almost seems to hate her current boyfriend.

Jon: Over someone doesn’t really exist.  You always hold the memories but in Mrs. Harper’s case, I think she’s past her feelings for Sam but lives with crippling PTSD that prevents her from being with the perfectly kind Deputy Burke.  How wonderful would it be to have an apartment that was lit up all night by a flashing deli neon sign?

Alison: At a certain age it would probably be awesome. But not for a 50-year-old Korean War vet. That blinking is liable to set off some sort of PTSD stuff.

Jon: With my sleeping issues, I cannot imagine anything worse than a neon sign of a closed business flashing in my bedroom all night.  Best Isaac Hayes role of the 90s?

Alison: I would say yes, but there was South Park. 

Jon: Blows South Park away.  I’ll go even further- this is a Top 3 role for Isaac Hayes trailing only Truck Turner and Gandolph Fitch in The Rockford Files.

Alison: Is allowing your abusive dead husband to be buried in your town really “the right thing to do”?

Jon: Yes it’s the right thing to do but I doubt I’d do it.  Is Jody a bad student and has to go to summer school or does Twin Rivers have a strange school calendar?

Alison: I did not even catch that, but yes, that must be summer school. Does Jody need a swift kick in the ass?

Jon: He needs more than a kick in the ass.  Strangely, I think many people would say he needs the discipline of military school.  Did anyone really fight in Grenada?

Alison: I don’t know anything about Grenada other than some asshole I used to know went there on vacation once. 

Jon: 19 Americans were killed in Grenada during the invasion.  That’s more than I thought.

Alison: Is it weird that they cast the dude who ended up doing solid George W. Bush impersonations a few years later as the teacher?

Jon: Not really especially considering the character he played in Uncle Sam.  Do you want to smack Choady? 

Alison: See above. Yes, yes I do.

Jon: Was Sam really the only one around there that did anything important or does Choady just have a hard on for killing people?

Alison: Choady is the least likable child I have ever encountered in a film.

Jon: I feel like that is a challenge to find even more unlikeable kids in movies.  Is there a special level of hell for the military man who volunteers to tell families that their loved one is dead so he can try to fuck the wife?

Alison: Yes, most definitely. I believe it’s level 14. Whyyyyyyyyy are they bringing the casket INTO THEIR HOUSE? Like, I know that’s a traditional thing to do but even when the dead body is all crispy and gross??

Jon: I assume that they don’t know how crispy Sam is.  Does Choady need to chill a little?

Alison: Choady needs to be shaken within an inch of his life — oh sorry, I really don't like him.

Jon: Does Ralph have any sense of timing?

Alison: Ralph is the only character in this movie that suddenly made me like Choady for a moment. Ralph can also go suck dicks, though.

Jon: I expected you would love Ralph considering how often the sleazy attorney is your favorite character.  Are there no funeral homes in Twin Rivers?

Alison: There may not be. I don't understand why they would otherwise accept having baked Alaska corpse in their house.

Jon: Is Choady a smart boy?

Alison: Choady is a fucking asshole and I hope he gets hit by a truck.

Jon: You clearly weren’t friends with many boys when you were a kid.  Choady is only slightly more obnoxious than average.  Does Choady have any sense of what a hero is?

Alison: Not at all. He has that tainted view of heroism that the screenwriter uses as a plot point for the anti-war theme. Is Isaac Hayes ‘bout to smack the aspirations outta Choady?

Jon: Isaac Hayes wouldn’t smack a child but he damn sure wanted to shoot Choady with a cannon.  Why does Sam stick the medals on his flesh and not on the jacket?

Alison: Sam is an edgy, pain-loving zombie veteran. How does the cripsy, tangy pungent aroma of flambeed Sam not wake Choady and his mom up?

Jon: Charred Sam releases a powerful neurotoxin that works on the olfactory nerves to dull one’s ability to smell cooked corpses.  Which Uncle Sam is creepier- the dead one or the one on stilts?

Alison: I had the EXACT same question written. That stilt thing is fucking creepy as fuck. Are graveyard partyers/desecrators a special kind of stupid?

Jon: I think there’s a difference.  Getting drunk and partying in a cemetery is a little disrespectful but also creepy as fuck.  Desecration is near the 14th level of hell with the messenger who tries to bang the widows.  Do you like parades?

Alison: I loathe a parade. Strangely, one of my favorite things as a kid was the neighborhood Fourth of July parade. But now there’s just too many people and loud noises, so I hate them.

Jon: Was the Cronin kid’s fireworks accident a factory explosion?

Alison: Yeah that kid got FUCKED up. Is Mrs. Cronin an insufferable twat?

Jon: Watch your mouth.  That’s P.J. Soles.  She’s also not really a twat.  She’s overly protective of Barry and rightfully so.  The kid nearly got blown up.  Could the prize for winning the potato sack race be that good?

Alison: Nope. I was going to ask you, are potato sack races vastly overrated?

Jon: I want to say yes they’re very overrated but then again are they even rated at all?  Potato sack races have never been cool or exciting.  They’re just a way to get burlap burns and broken bones.  So Sam was an asshole before he died too?

Alison: A very, very big one at that.

Jon: How big an asshole is Choady?

Alison: I’m guessing potentially as big an asshole as Sam.  So this dude dressed as Uncle Sam is holding a kid by the face in broad daylight in the park in front of hundreds of other people and nobody notices?

Jon: I think after the initial shock of seeing Barry and his injuries, people probably intentionally avoided looking at him making it possible for Uncle Sam to touch him.  Did you want Congressman Cummings to start talking about Jerry Orbach and a TV show or just law and order? 

Alison: BUMBUM. Then his speech starts. Ha! I don’t want to hear about law and order from anyone, the show or the concept. Should Choady really “run along” when there’s clearly a murderer on the loose?

Jon: Clearly they were hoping Choady would run into the killer.  So Uncle Sam was a wife beater and rapist?

Alison: Yes. He is a piece of poop. Well, now he’s crispy poop. Wow, these people really like leaving kids alone outside when they’re searching for a serial killer don’t they?

Jon: Is Sam really a serial killer?  I thought he was more of a spree killer.  Did the fireworks accident give the Cronin kid telekinetic powers?

Alison: Seems like. Are they really not going to have a repeat of last year’s tragic accident?

Jon: Apparently they are, only this year seems less accidental.  Does Jed need a new flint or fluid for his lighter?

Alison: Apparently. Hey Jon, glasses or no glasses? 

Jon: If you need them to see, then glasses.  If you’re wearing them as a fashion statement, then get fucked.

Alison: Is it a good idea to hand a clearly traumatized woman a loaded gun and tell her to not hesitate to use it?

Jon: I think this is the one time it’s a good idea.  You know she’ll shoot Sam on sight.  Do you think they had good homeowners' insurance?

Alison: I sure hope so. Do you have as little hope for Choady’s mental health as I do?

Jon: No he’ll be fine.  What could possibly go wrong after the uncle you worshipped comes back from the dead all burned to shit and tries to kill everyone you know?  That’s right -- nothing.

Lessons

Hide dead bodies in graves.

Don’t cheat in a potato sack race.