February is National Weddings Month. I guess it’s to celebrate love and marriage around Valentine’s Day because somehow that’s not a romantic, made up enough holiday on its own. In honor of this ridiculousness, we watched a movie with no weddings but a very unalive bride. Our movie is Bride of Re-Animator, the sequel to the classic Re-Animator. The movie brings us another dose of Dr. Herbert West’s insane experimentation in reanimating the dead and the reluctant and inexplicable support of his friend/roommate Dr. Dan Cain. So skip the gift for your spouse and instead treat them to the blog and Bride of Re-Animator. Ohhh... and don't go trying to reanimate dead things.
Questions
JON: Is there a better way to start a movie than a talking severed head?
SANDY: Two talking severed heads?
JON: Fair enough. Does Peru need to be identified as South America?
SANDY: Sadly, I think there are probably lots of people who have no idea where the fuck Peru is or even that South America isn’t a country itself. This motherfucker really just said that chick was wrong for telling them it wasn’t safe to stay in a tent in the middle of a fucking battlefield? Are all men this fucking stupid? Maybe if he dies in an explosion someone can reanimate his blown-off head and fix his assface brain.
JON: This was not male ego but Dr. West’s unwillingness to just abandon his work. He may have many shortcomings but Dr. West is not the type to give up on his work because of a battle. Police involvement, maybe. Do you love Jeffrey Combs as much as I do? "Yes" or "more" are the only acceptable answers.
SANDY: His frantic science dork acting persona is pretty top notch. How is West allowed anywhere near any hospital or patients ever though???
JON: I don’t think they were able to make anything stick and also I would imagine there are many in the scientific community who silently want him to succeed. Think of the implications! Think of the profits! Which is worse- the battle outside or what Dr. West is doing inside the tent?
SANDY: They seem equally horrifying potentially. War is one of the worst things about humanity, but our unbridled arrogance as a species isn’t far behind. Or maybe they’re totally intertwined. I’m stopping myself here before I write a dissertation about my thoughts on this subject. Is this dude just storing body parts and actual bodies in a random closet at the hospital? Did I miss something?
JON: Yep pretty much. One can never be sure when one might need an extra forearm. Doesn’t the name Claude Earl Jones sound like one of the names I make up when an actor looks vaguely like a different actor?
SANDY: Hahahaha, YES. You even got me doing that shit in my head whenever I watch something with a lookalike in it. Was that dude in the tent just wide awake while they pulled that huge chunk of metal out of his chest???
JON: Isn’t that how you do that? Is that an extreme form of suicide for a failed belly dancer?
SANDY: I believe she was a ballet dancer, you twat. But, yes, cutting your own feet off and bleeding to death because you couldn’t make it as a dancer seems a bit over dramatic. Did he just giggle about someone’s extremely violent & unusual suicide?
JON: I can’t assess that because I was giggling too much when it happened. Is it ever good when stuff is missing from a morgue? SANDY: Not if it’s something that belongs there. Like a ballet dancer’s feet. What body parts would you steal from which morgue bodies to build your own ideal corpse for reanimation? This fantasy morgue has whatever type of person you might think of.
JON: Ever seen Frankenhooker? That’s what I would build and I wouldn’t need the super crack to get the parts! Is talking shit to a severed head a sign of mental illness?
SANDY: Yes? I mean, I can’t say for sure that’s it’s automatically indicative of mental illness to talk shit to a severed head, but it certainly is in Dr West’s case specifically.
JON: Do you want amniotic fluid from a Kuzco iguana?
SANDY: I’ve never thought about it before now, but maybe I do. That lizard got stiff as fuck mighty fast. How creepy is it that West stared directly into Dr Dan’s eyes as he chloroformed that iguana?
JON: Well he certainly wasn’t going to stare into the iguana’s eyes. Why is every weird chemical in movies fluorescent green?
SANDY: That’s how you know it’s really sciencey. Is Dr West the worst roommate ever? If not, please give examples of worse ones. And make it ridiculous, thank you.
JON: He doesn’t seem to walk around the house naked, eat all the food or have sex in your bed so he’s not the worst. Is the giggling also a sign of mental illness?
SANDY: Fuck, I hope not.
JON: What are people if not a collection of parts?
SANDY: I’d consider myself more of one whole thing physically. Mentally, I’m at least four people though. West’s facial expressions… perfection?
JON: His facial expressions are always perfect. Do you want a pet eyefinger? Fingereye?
SANDY: Now that’s what I’d call hand-eye coordination… OHHHHHHH. That’s a no for me though. Definitely don’t want one of those. Wouldn’t you be watching that fucking thing like a hawk though? West tied that shit together, brought it to life and was like “neat”, then went on about his business like there wasn’t an eyeball attached to some fingers strolling around the room.
JON: It seemed like a fairly trustworthy fingereye so I would give it some space to roam. Is it ever a good idea to coerce your friend into doing something with his dead girlfriend’s heart?
SANDY: It’s pretty fucking manipulative and shitty. And doesn’t Dr Dan realize that a person’s essence is in their brain? A heart pumps blood, but it doesn’t hold our personality on its own. If he wants his lady back, he needs to start with her brain. Duh. The police will never come here, queue doorbell. Aren’t cops like vampires? He stepped into the house without being invited in. Not cool.
JON: He’s a villainous movie cop so he doesn’t have to follow rules. Does every movie morgue worker have to eat while they work?
SANDY: Yes. I think it’s an official SAG rule, part of every actor’s contract. That poor reanimated bat! What the fuck???
JON: It was animatronic so it’s ok. If you’re a reanimated severed head, should you give the guy who reanimated you shit?
SANDY: Definitely. I’d be so fucking pissed off if I woke up as just a severed head. I love how it did that Warner Brothers cartoon dancing/singing frog thing though. (Talking to Dr Graves and then playing dead when someone else was there.) Did you catch that suave Weekend At Bernie’s action with the chick from the morgue? Also, “don’t let the little head woo the big head”…
JON: Yep. Did I ever tell you I pissed next to Bernie at a con? Good times. Should you bring a potential witness into the room where you’re keeping all the reanimated bodies?
SANDY: I can’t imagine a hospital where they’d let anyone just casually stroll in to the psych ward at all, let alone a room full of actual zombies. Do you think that cop’s wife had teeth like that while she was alive, or does something extra wacky happen to your pearly whites when you get reanimated?
JON: Probably not. Teeth die when you die. They aren’t fingernails. Can a garbage can safely hold a reanimated leg?
SANDY: It’s not just a leg though Jon, it’s an arm-leg! How about that straw sucking noise in the tubes running through that body? Also, why did they have to cut up a body that was whole to reanimate it? And why would Dr Dan invite that chick to the house of a 1000 corpses to cook dinner and make out???
JON: Straw sucking is the sound IVs make. Sometimes cuts are necessary. It’s where Dr. Dan lives. You can’t take a girl to your mom’s house for that. On a scale of 1 to holy shit this is stupid, how do you rate reanimating a cop who is already out to get you?
SANDY: If there’s anything beyond holy shit this is stupid, I’d pick that. I can’t help but feel like if West just had someone to fugg, he wouldn’t be so obsessed with “creating life” from iguana amniotic sac fluid, but might try it the old fashioned way?
JON: I would imagine if Dr. West had someone to bump uglies with, he wouldn’t be reanimating corpses. “He’s a wife beater Dan! Use the gun!”- best movie line ever?
SANDY: Haha, it’s up there for sure. Is that the kind of basement you should walk around barefoot in?
JON: There is no basement you should walk around barefoot in. Mouse turds, snakes, mold. Too much gross to step in. Is it always foggy in cemeteries?
SANDY: I think that’s another official SAG rule.
JON: How did they sleep through the night on the couch without getting up to pee?
SANDY: They’re not in their forties? Wait… who slept on the couch?
JON: Dan and Francesca after the dog got killed. Sitting up. I would have peed the couch. Should you ever attach a human hand to a dead dog and then reanimate it?
SANDY: I mean… if you can…
JON: Is he better off without her?
SANDY: I think she’ll be benefiting significantly more from not having him in her life than he will by not having her in his.
JON: Does Dr. West look like if Harry Potter grew up to be a bit deranged?
SANDY: I can see that a little bit.
JON: Why would you stick your hand into someone’s mouth to make them be quiet?
SANDY: ESPECIALLY if it’s a SEVERED FUCKING HEAD!?!?! The apple was a brilliant solution though.
JON: How great a word is "nincompoop?"
SANDY: It’s always been tops on my list of words I’m keen on.
JON: Has there ever been a bloodier attempt to save someone’s life?
SANDY: I was thinking the same exact thing. How can you save someone when you’ve spilled out half the blood in their body? Is he going to have to throw away that watch?
JON: The watch. The shirt. The bed. The whole hospital. You can’t get that much blood out ever. “Was she good looking, doc?”
SANDY: That guy is so gross. DID YOU SCREAM OUT LOUD AND/OR PUKE IN YOIR OWN MOUTH WHEN REANIMATED WIFE BEATER COP STUCK HIS FUCKING STUMP IN FRANCESCA’S FUCKING MOUTH???
JON: Nope. That wasn’t even top 10 grossest shit we’ve seen. Does Dr. West have to reanimate everyone?
SANDY: Listen, he’s only got on trick up his sleeve and he intends to use it. Why would they think this reanimated grab bag of a person would work out better than any of the others?? Am I Just being defeatist and shitting on West’s parade?
JON: Science is trial and error and human bodies aren’t all the same. Maybe it would react differently. Does Dr. West’s serum need more testing or should he scrap it entirely?
SANDY: I think the serum should be scrapped and Dr West should be castrated just in case he finds someone willing to fugg him one day. Is there always a storm when someone’s trying to do some serious corpse reanimating? Also, why is her hair suddenly frizzy like the Bride of Frankenstein?
JON: SAG rules. I mean the movie is an homage to Bride of Frankenstein so her hair might as well be too. Why did it take Francesca so long to realize that the dead don’t stay dead around Dr. West?
SANDY: Language barrier? Blinded by love for Dr Dan? How about getting stuck in the middle of THAT family squabble?
JON: Any family squabble is a hard pass for me.
SANDY: How come her legs are whole in some shots and missing wads of skin and flesh in others???
JON: Iguana amniotic fluids cause cinema inconsistencies.
SANDY: Would twirling be your first choice for physically expressing your agony?
SANDY: It’s BATMAN!!!
JON: I”M BATMAN!!!
SANDY: Why did the reanimated body West was most proud of reject its parts, but the other wackadoo ones he made all seemed to be functionally reasonably well?
JON: Sometimes the ones you love hurt you most.
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