October is National Dental Hygiene Month. It’s a whole month dedicated to taking care of your teeth and gums. In a time of masks, maybe it seems like you don’t care as much about your teeth. No one smells your breath or sees your teeth except you but when something goes wrong in your mouth it can impact everything and cost a ton of money. So take care of your teeth. Make a dentist appointment then sit back and read the blog and watch The Dentist.
Trailer
The Dentist (1996) - Trailer HD 1080p
Questions
Jon: Would you ever see a dentist who talked like that?
Sandy: I fucking HATE this dude. Not Corbin Bernsen, to be clear. What a shitty manipulative controlling condescending fucking scumbag of a character. How fast do you estimate Alison or I might eviscerate you or Max if either of you complained to us about picking up your dry cleaning and not noticing a barely noticeable spot in the same way that this douche did to his wife?
Jon: He is a pretty big dick to his wife but she doesn’t work. His dental practice allows her to live pretty well without working so she probably should pick up the dry cleaning from time to time. Why do dentists try to start so many conversations while their hands are crammed into your mouth?
Sandy: I mean… that’s where their hands really should be, so I guess that’s why? I’d much rather have my dentist start a conversation with me while knuckle deep in my molars than have him gas me and go all looney tunes imagining that he’s fucking his wife who he then wants to strangle, all the while it’s just me in the chair wondering why I can’t breathe and where my shoes went. Who keeps a picture of their wife and her best friend poolside in their bathing suits in his office??
Jon: A guy who is eager to have a thrresome with his wife and her best friend. Can you only wear diamond cufflinks with a white shirt? Aren’t cufflinks stupid?
Sandy: This dude seems to have all sorts of obnoxious arbitrary rules. I'm all for adding little decorations and flourishes to anything and everything, but I still don't fully understand how cufflinks stay on a shirt. Were you at all surprised when that asshole pulled out his gun and it had a mother of pearl handle?
Jon: Alan looks like a man who spares no expense so no it isn’t surprising at all. With the filthy pool guy?
Sandy: Pools aren’t the only thing that guy cleans out… OHHHHHH!!!! If your husband spoke to you the way Alan spoke to Brooke, or just generally acted the way he seemed to overall, you’d be fucking the filthy pool guy too. And the gardener. Maybe even the mailman and the newspaper delivery guy if he was old enough. I think the biggest draw with the pool guy for Brooke probably was that he was so filthy. Alan was so anal retentive about that stain and so particular about which cufflinks he would wear with which shirt, I’m sure the topless goon covered in mystery gunk was a breath of fresh air for her. Could they have lived in an uglier or more cold and sterile looking house?
Jon: They had to find a house to match their marriage. Do you give a shit about the kid’s gymboree class?
Sandy: Only if the mother somehow gets kicked in the face during it. Did it seem like the waiting room was filled with exceptionally irritable people, or do you think they were maybe all self-important super rich schmucks used to getting whatever they wanted the minute they wanted it? Is there a difference?
Jon: I think waiting rooms make everyone irritable, especially at a dentist’s office since they don’t want to be there anyway so the wait just makes them irritable. The super rich, self important schmucks just seem even more schmucky. Why is Alan so bad at murdering the pool boy?
Sandy: Ultimately he was not so bad at it, since the dude did end up pretty seriously fucking murdered. I think Alan has no idea what’s going on in his own mind. There’s a severe disconnect between what he thinks is happening and what is actually happening in more than one instance during the movie, so I think that’s where he got his rocky start. I feel like I’m teetering on the edge of an Alan-level breakdown, but since I don’t generally have any violent tendencies it’ll probably just be me rocking back and forth in the corner, covered in drool and paint when it finally does happen. Will you visit me in prison if I’m wrong about my lack of violent tendencies during my final breakdown?
Jon: Sure and I’ll even bring you a cake with a nail file in it so you can escape. Will Jody Sanders ever go back to the dentist?
Sandy: I think that kid will not only never go back to the dentist, but if he ever ends up in a Rainforest Cafe he’ll be triggered into a flashback and stab the waiter with a fork. IS THAT WHAT TEETH AND GUMS LOOK LIKE WAY BACK INSIDE OUR MOUTHS??? DO I NEED TO BUY A DENTAL MIRROR AND STARE AT MY MOLAR GUM-LINES??
Jon: I’ve never seen that deeply into the cavern that is my mouth but since this movie is a very accurate portrayal of dentists I would say yes. “Is something the matter” is not an ideal response to “I love you,” is it?
Sandy: That shit was painful to witness. Maybe he never usually said it to her. He struck me as someone who was generally pretty cold and uncaring, though he was friendly to Jody before he went wonky and poked a hole in the kid’s gums. What were the pills Alan was taking?? Were they supposed to help with existing mental problems and if so, how insane is it that taking too many magnifies said mental problems by apparently quite a bit?
Jon: I’m guessing they were some sort of anti-stress or anxiety medication that caused some sort of manic response when you take too many. It’s probably not ideal but it certainly sounds like some kind of shit the pharmaceutical industry would come up with so they can get you on a medication to control the reactions from the first medication. How awesome is Ken Foree?
Sandy: KEN FOREE!!!! I was super stoked when I saw his name in the credits. I was surprised that he played a cop, but I have no real reason for that surprise. He’s always awesome. His partner’s name was Detective Sunshine…?!?!
Jon: Detective Sunshine brightens everyone’s day with his Colgate fresh smile. How greasy is Mark Ruffalo hitting on women in a dentist’s waiting room?
Sandy: Whoa whoa whoa… let’s get this straight… Mark Ruffalo is a babe and wasn’t hitting on anyone in the waiting room… his grimy character Steve was. Also, how illegal and gross is it that he was hitting on a CHILD in a dentist’s waiting room?? I felt so protective of Sarah in that moment, I wanted to jump through the screen and stomp on his balls unrequested. How old do you think April Reign was when Steve Landers started grooming her? (Insert pukey gag face here.)
Jon: April Reign looked significantly older than him so that creepy aspect was minimal to me but his insistence that she get all the cosmetic surgeries was. Is that really the best way to ensure the dentist doesn’t hurt you?
Sandy: The only way to ensure the dentist doesn’t hurt you is to not go at all. I was hoping there would be a weird twist and she’d end up having X-Men Wolverine claws that just popped out as she lost consciousness. Do you think he'll offer a discount on his services for April since he molested and nearly killed her?
Jon: Technically he should although grabbing his dental tool like that definitely set him off. How bad of a day is Alan having?
Sandy: Alan has made this a very bad day for himself and many others. It would have sucked and been a pretty shitty day to catch your spouse cheating on your anniversary anyway, but he really took the concept of having a bad day and dialed it up to about a million times worse than it needed to be. On your worst day, have you ever murdered several people and a dog?
Jon: I never killed a dog. Are the hygienists dumb or complicit?
Sandy: I think they’re just emotionally abused on a regular basis and have the sort of Stockholm Syndrome that comes with that sort of thing. This guy is the big boss and is obviously VERY particular about every little thing, on top of being a raging twat, and these ladies want to keep their jobs so they have gotten used to eating his shit to do so. And since it's his practice I'm assuming they would feel weird about telling him what to do or not even if he wasn't a legit psycho. Were you able to watch when he was drilling into that neighbor woman's tooth? I think I audibly made gagging noises and only peeked through my fingers.
Jon: Oh yeah. I’ve heard worse noises while I was in a dentist’s chair than that. Can you think of any worse combination of people than a fake talent agent, a dentist and an IRS guy?
Sandy: Maybe like Donald and Ivanka and Jared? Or Rudy and Harvey and Jeffrey? Am I correct in thinking I heard Mark Ruffalo's character say "yeah, right... and I can make flames shoot out of my ass" while he was talking to Alan after April's near death experience?
Jon: Yes and he was telling the truth. He got that power from the gamma rays. Who plans a more enjoyable anniversary than Alan?
Sandy: An opera themed dental room???? AN OPERA THEMED DENTAL ROOM, JON???
Jon: Not for me. I hate opera. Would you go to a dentist with themed rooms?
Sandy: Absolutely, but not these lame-ass rooms. A heaven room? I like clouds and skies, but I don’t want to wake up from anesthesia in a room that looks like “heaven”. Do you think Brooke gave a shit about Alan at all anymore? He was up her ass about smoking at one point, but she was doing it in the house when he called her and that shit lingers for a super long time. I was getting major teenage rebellion vibes from her.
Jon: No Brooke bailed on that marriage a long time ago. I doubt that was her first pool guy but Alan was maybe rich although the tax fraud indicates that maybe he wasn’t. How many pills did he take?
Sandy: At least one too many.
Jon: Is Corbin Bernsen believable as a murderous dentist?
Sandy: I think he did a pretty good job of playing someone who was severely mentally ill and having a massive break from reality. Not award-worthy, but a decent job overall. Who else would you want to see play this character if there was a remake of the movie?
Jon: Clint Howard is the correct answer. Do we ever watch movies with observant cops?
Sandy: Is that even a thing in real life? I don't think most of the horror or thriller movies we watch would last very long if the cops in them were ever skillfully observant. Name a horror or thriller movie where the cops were seriously on top of their shit and it worked well for the plot development.
Jon: I’m not sure one exists but the cops in The Dentist were particularly inept. It’s movie cliche to hear a cop say “We have you surrounded.” In The Dentist, they failed to surround the building on two separate occasions and allowed Alan to escape. Does Alan need a personal day?
Sandy: Alan needs a personal few years in a facility where he can have some seriously intensive treatment.
Jon: How bad do you feel for Sarah?
Sandy: Oh my god, when she said she had to postpone her braces-off party I thought my heart would travel up into my head and pop out of my mouth. I was very nervous for her the entire time. Was Sarah the most likeable character in the entire film?
Jon: Easily even though I have no idea how old she’s supposed to be. Is she a teenager? If so, she didn’t look it. She was more believable as a twentysomething but the character was written as a teen I think. Is it a good idea to taunt the dentist?
Sandy: Not this dentist. But also, probably not a regular dentist either. Also don’t do it to waitstaff who will be handling your food out of sight or to grizzly bears.
Jon: Does everything go on in that office without Candy knowing about it?
Sandy: Candy does not know what the fuck is going on in that office at any point in time during the entire movie. Did Candy and that dental supply rep fuck on their lunch break?
Jon: No doubt. She injected his dick with some novocaine and banged for hours. How much were you hoping he wouldn’t hurt Sara?
Sandy: I was repeating “NOT SARAHHHHH” out loud to myself in my living room as I watched it.
Jon: Is Alan really sorry?
Sandy: I’m not sure he has the mental capacity to be really sorry. I think he's incapable of empathy and he just wants what he wants and expects to get it and when he doesn't, he absolutely cannot handle it. Have you met people with this level of narcissism/sociopathic/psychotic behavior patterns in your life?
Jon: Oh God yes. I was friends with a low IQ version of that for a long time. I think everyone has and if they haven’t it’s because they are that person. Ever have a bad dentist experience?
Sandy: One time, my dentist sucked a bunch of laughing gas and started singing about how much he loved inflicting pain on people and how that was why he had become a dentist in the first place and then he started pulling out all of these fucked up looking spiked tools to use on me… oh no wait… that was Steve Martin in Little Shop of Horrors. I actually can’t recall having a bad dentist experience. When I was little, my dentist used to have me bite down really hard on oblong cotton balls soaked in pink goo that he’d stuffed back by my molars when the checkup was done and to this day, thinking about that makes me gag. Please explain Ken Foree's comparison of cops and dentists as "necessary evils." I get the concept of a necessary evil, but I don't get the comparison of cops to dentists.
Jon: I was about to go on some long-winded explanation and then I realized that it’s pointless because I really don’t know what that shit even meant. Is “Open wide. Let me in.” the creepiest thing he could have said?
Sandy: It’s up there on the list, right next to "let's see how much of my fist I can fit in your mouth", which he sadly did not say. Did you think he was going to undo his pants and stick his gross weiner into April's mouth while she was out of it?
Jon: Stop weiner shaming. I’m sure Alan had a perfectly fine, if a little undersized, cock. Did these cops really not surround a building twice?
Sandy: They are not good at what they’re supposed to be doing. Ken Foree should know better!
Lessons
Take care of your teeth. I don’t think this needs explaining. Thirty minutes of discomfort is better than the alternative.
Don’t go to a dentist who is in the middle of a breakdown. It may not always be as easy to tell as it was with Alan but at the first sign of anything off, it’s time to find a new dentist.
Pay your taxes. You don’t need a slimy IRS guy stalking you and trying to blackmail you.
Be nice to the guy plundering around in your mouth. Or just be nice to everyone. It’s not that hard.
No comments:
Post a Comment