Happy Halloween!

 Happy Halloween!  Halloween is probably our favorite holiday.  Costumes, free candy and horror movies make for the perfect day.  We were originally going to avoid any of these major holidays but we couldn’t pass up a Halloween movie so we watched Night of the Demons.  So grab your mask, your Snickers and settle in for Night of the Demons and the blog.

 

Questions

Jon:  Is a fat guy wearing a pig nose a lazy costume?

Sandy:  Was he wearing a pig nose? I thought that was just his face. How much do you love the intro song and graphics for this movie? What other movie intros does it remind you of?

Jon:  I loved it.  It was so very 80s.  It reminds me of just about everything from that time period.  The soundtrack also reminded me of how often Loverboy, Mike Reno, the lead singer of Loverboy or someone that sounded like him, wound up on a mid-late 80s soundtrack.  Is the old guy over mad for an underwear flashing?

Sandy:  That old guy is over mad for everything. Someone pissed in that dude’s favorite hat. Is Sal from Queens? Where is this supposed to be taking place?

Jon:  I think half of the Sals on the planet are from Queens including this one but the movie is set in Any Town, USA.  What an old asshole?

Sandy:  Yeah. At first you want to feel bad for him, with all of these shitty twats bumping into him and jumping out at him and knocking his groceries down and whatnot, but once you realize he had planned all along to put razor blades into apples as a Halloween treat for kids, you understand what a grimy fuck he already was. How would you torture a neighbor that gave out apples instead of candy on Halloween? Be specific and relentless. 

Jon:  I love apples, especially a nice Golden Delicious but if you hand them out on Halloween you deserve the full trick treatment.  Toilet papered house, shaving cream mailbox, egged house and a burning bag of poo.  But I’m still keeping the apple.  Is the school dance for nerds?

Sandy:  The school dance in this movie is for people who want to remain alive with far less emotional damage than what happened at that house. So yeah, nerds. If Max and Frankie are going, are you automatically going to a Halloween party at the abandoned funeral home?

Jon:  No absolutely not.  I’ve watched enough horror movies to know that’s a disaster waiting to happen especially if Max and Frankie are going.  What are the chances that a house with a name is haunted? 

Sandy:  137% yes. Also, this house wasn’t haunted Jon, it was POSSESSED, weren’t you listening?! Do you think if you name your house that spirits will automatically show up? Or perhaps that naming it dooms whoever lives there at the time to haunt the premises for eternity?

Jon:  I think as soon as you name the house you are opening the door to all manner of malevolent spirits.  Laying out the welcome mat so to speak.  Do you think Sal is worried about this kid’s mom?

Sandy:  Maybe he’s afraid if she knows he’s there, she’ll come out and try to feed him some of those fresh baked cat turds. Is stealing a mask from her little brother going to get a girl to go out with you?

Jon:  If your little brother is as big an asshole as Judy’s, it probably can’t hurt.  Linnea Quigley!!!!

Sandy:  Badass horror movie babe of the 80’s! I love her fucking dress so fucking much in this movie. Jon, would you like a fudge log?

Jon:  If this is a legitimate offer for some tasty fudge, then hell yes but if you are trying to trick me into accepting another box of poo through the use of euphemisms, shame on you.   If a guy bent over in a short dress would it distract you?

Sandy:  I’d definitely want to see some backside bulge action, but I wouldn’t be hypnotized by it like these dopey goons. Did you get a more goth version of Ally Sheedy from The Breakfast Club vibe from Angela in the store, or was that just me?

Jon:  I loved Ally Sheedy in the 80s.  Angela had some of that vibe prancing around the store, stealing everything.  Why do none of the other customers stop Angela from stealing everything?

Sandy:  Snitches get stitches, Jon. Seriously brilliant shopping method though, right? Wanna wear a short skirt to Stop & Shop and distract the staff while I steal us all a smorgasbord?

Jon:  Sorry can’t.  After the last time I did that I was banned from the whole chain.  Do sour balls mean no blow jobs?

Sandy:  I don’t know, people really seem to like sour candy. I love the face Angela makes as she scuttles out of the store with her sack of goodies in that gothic vampire’s wedding dress. No question, just sayin’.

Jon:  If those are the cartoons this kid watches, are you surprised that he’s a sociopath?

Sandy:  He didn’t really strike me as a sociopath, more of an all around pre-teen douche. Favorite line from the movie? Mine was “bodacious boobies sis… if they keep growing you’ll have to hire someone to tie your shoes.”

Jon:  I'm really partial to the sour balls conversation although “Eat a bowl of fucks!  I am here to party!” might be how I announce myself at gatherings from now on.  Why does no one punch Billy?

Sandy:  Because his mom will kick their asses. Did you mean Stooge? If so, I don’t know why no one ran him over with their car. Count Dingleberry, I presume?

Jon:  Indeed.  Is he fat and dumb?

Sandy:  Stooge? Yes. Very much yes. I’m pretty sure he only knows 7 words, 3 of which are “bitch”. How far do you estimate a woman might projectile vomit in real life  if Stooge suggested a game of Post Office where she would “get to be the stamp”?

Jon:  According to UberFact Twitter, the world record for projectile vomit distance is 27 feet but I think the concept of oral from Stooge could induce a record breaking performance.  What could possibly go wrong at an abandoned funeral home?

Sandy:  Well, for one thing, a demon could possess the party host and she could bite your tongue right out of your mouth. 

Jon:  Why can’t Judy light candles?

Sandy:  Maybe she could do it if she used matches. Lighters seem to be her weakness.

Jon:  Is a seance in a haunted former funeral home a good idea?

Sandy:  Possessed, Jon. The house is POSSESSED. Geez. But no, I would not recommend that shit. Do you think if this had happened during Covid and those kids had been responsible enough to wear masks to the party, that the demons wouldn’t have been able to possess any of them? The main point of entry seemed to be mouth-holes.

Jon:  Demons are opportunistic invaders.  They’ll get in through any available orifice.  A mask would cut down your risk significantly as would pants and earmuffs.  What harm can a mirror do?

Sandy:  It can relay to me my ever-growing collection of under-eye bags on a daily basis. I’m not much a fan of that. Have you ever seen anyone more excited about a strobe light than these 80’s horror movie teens?

Jon:  1989.  Homecoming dance.  When the strobe light came on, the roof was torn off.  Does Stooge ever help matters?

Sandy:  Never. Stooge has never done a single redeeming thing in his shitty pig-fucker life. Do you think the bathroom would be working in a place like that?

Jon:  I think the demons probably maintain all the plumbing.  Working toilets lead to available orifices.  Why won’t anyone listen to Rodger?

Sandy:  Probably because he was making sense and teenagers in horror movies historically don’t much care for that. Doesn’t making the gate to get out disappear seem like poor sportsmanship?

Jon:  I don’t think demons get rewarded for sportsmanship.  Would you eat a bowl of fuck?  What is a bowl of fuck?

Sandy:  I would not eat it in a truck, I would not eat it with a duck. I imagine it’s like a combination of The Stuff and an assorted array of bodily fluids. What’s the grossest thing you’ve ever eaten out of a bowl or in general?

Jon:  Shredded fucking Wheat.  It’s not just that it tastes like freeze dried, ground up shit but there are pieces stuck in your mouth for weeks afterward.  Is it possible for Sal and Stooge to not do anything stupid?

Sandy:  I think it’s part of who they are as human beings. If there’s something stupid to be said or done, they’ll find it and let it fly. 

Jon:  Would you sleep in a squaw’s intestine tent?

Sandy:  I mean, if that’s what was available and it was raining or like a really buggy night or something, I might. Would you make a Teepee out of Alison’s intestines?

Jon:  Probably not unless it was raining or really buggy.  Or cold.  At what point during Angela’s dance do you leave?

Sandy:  I never would have seen Angela’s dance in the first place because I never would have gone to that party at all. But, if we’re saying I was definitely there as Sal, for sure when the radio turned back on if not sooner. What’s the creepiest shit you’ve ever seen in real life?

Jon:  When I was growing up, there was an abandoned, old house that was all overgrown by trees and vines.  Kids all thought it was haunted.  I went in it once and it creeped me out so much, I used to walk on the opposite side of the street for a long time.  It’s not the weird ones you have to look out for?

Sandy:  I think it really depends on what type of weird. Like, for instance, if she draws all over her face and tits with lipstick and then shoves the entire lipstick inside of her boob through her nipple, I’d say stay the fuck away from that one. Have you ever made it in a coffin? Would you?

Jon:  Nope and nope.  How could you not realize how sexy Stooge is?

Sandy:  My brain works.

Jon:  Do nice houses have plastic slip covers on the furniture?

Sandy:  I really can’t believe that used to be a thing. Do people still do that? Do people still put plastic on their lounge furniture Jon????

Jon:  I think it’s still an old lady thing.  Actually I think Alison just ordered some.  Is Jay destined to always go after Sal’s exes?

Sandy:  What other ex of Sal’s did he go after besides Judy?

Jon:  Sal was very briefly attached to Suzanne until she was super weird.  Did you forget about Judy?

Sandy:  Ha! Almost! Was Judy actually sleeping against the door at one point?? Also, was she part Fainting Goat? I feel like she fell over every time she got nervous for a while there. Being surprised into paralysis doesn’t seem like a very good defense mechanism.

Jon:  It’s possibly the worst defense mechanism.  She spent most of the middle part of the movie unconscious.  Did you expect Sal to have a shred of sense or heroism?

Sandy:  No! What a pleasantly interesting surprise! I was actually really kind of sad when we lost Sal. I loved it when he walked in on Suzanne with that lipstick and was like “aw, man, you too??” Did we ever find out what the fuck happened to Helen?

Jon:  She died and the demons got her.  She should have worn earmuffs.  If only they had listened to Rodger?

Sandy:  Yeah, Rodger knew what was up. I’m not sad about losing Stooge though, so maybe it wasn’t all bad. How could Rodger have helped pull Judy up that wall with so much blood all over their hands? 

Jon:  Clotted blood is very sticky.  I think it served as a bonding agent so he was able to hold on better.   Did demon Stooge get cleaner?

Sandy:  For sure. His vocabulary definitely improved. How are Judy and Rodger going to explain what happened to the rest of their classmates? No one will care about Stooge, but someone is bound to miss the rest of them.

Jon:  “They were all fine when we left the party.  Don’t know what could have happened.  Maybe they ran away.”  Definitely seems like a time where telling the truth lands you in an institution.  Do you like Judy’s blind date?  Is he better than your worst blind date?

Sandy:  I’m not sure I’ve ever really been on a blind date, but I’m going to go with no, he would have been worse than any blind date I may have actually or fictionally been on. What was he looking at though, seriously?

Jon:  He was staring wistfully into space, wishing he had worn a mask and earmuffs.  Would you climb barbed wire?

Sandy:  I wouldn’t have even made it up that wall with regular rope. Maybe the barbed wire would have actually helped me because it would have given me more traction by stabbing into my flesh so I wouldn’t just slide right back down as I tried to climb up. How awesome was that old douche’s old lady wife? Why hadn’t she killed him long before this?

Jon:  She’s awesome but it takes time to prepare and perfect a razor blade apple pie.  You have to get the blades just right so he doesn’t notice them before he swallows them.

 

 

Lessons

Don’t go to parties at haunted houses.

No seances in haunted funeral homes.